Cheating discovery after 10 years.

[Jane3910]

Hello, I decided to post tonight because maybe getting all of this shit out of my brain and onto the page will help in some way, maybe gain some perspective.

Background, been with my bf for 23 years. A bit turbulent and on-and-off in our 20's but no cheating that I'm aware of. 2007 we use my inheritance to buy a house and settle down, 2009 we have a son. We've had a few rough patches but overall I've always felt very safe with him and have never questioned his loyalty. We are both pretty anti-social and like to exist in our own bubble, away from the dramas of life.

He's told me before how he met his first gf on holiday, and that they didnt live in the same town but their parents facilitated visits together, and he lost his virginity to her at 14 years old.

So a couple of months ago a letter came to the house addressed to my bf. He was puzzled and asked me if I recognized the handwriting. I didn't. He read the letter, then stated, "What the fuck is wrong with people, thank you for being normal." He then threw the letter in the bin. He told me that it was from his first ever gf and that she was basically telling him that them having sex so young has had a negative affect on all her relationships with men and that she felt pressured into sex.

I tried to be supportive and said I'd like to read the letter, but I didn't demand to see it because he has his right to privacy.

Anyway, I had a really bad feeling in my gut. So the next morning I fished out the letter from the bin. It read pretty much like he said, but this part was dodgy as fuck. "My life has not been an easy life by any means and I made a lot of mistakes. I tried correcting these demons by correcting my behaviour, you did not. In actual fact you made it 100% worse in 2012 by coming back into my life, making me believe we could have something, taking what you want (sex) yet again and then destroying me."

So, I confront him, he says she's mental and it's not true, she's trying to cause trouble. I accept that but I'm also uneasy about it all. I trust my bf with my life and it is truly reality shattering to believe that he could cheat.

After a day or two I can't cope. I say, "tell me her name and let me see your facebook or I don't see how we can continue in a loving, trusting relationship." He says, "no, you should trust me, I've been faithful all these years, I could never cheat on you." And he deletes his facebook.

So I've said "Okay, it's over then. Without trust, there is no relationship and it's only right that you should be able to reassure me here and be transparent."

So, okay, I've now technically 'dumped' him. He then tells me her full name, and says, "You can be best friends" but says with regards to the facebook I can "fuck off."

For the next 5 weeks I sleep in the spare room and we pretty much ignore each other, I'm suspicious but still in hopeful denial. In this time I have found her online and messaged her. She blocked me at first. I then messaged her that I would send a letter to her home if she did not respond. She messaged me her phone number and I called it. My head was spinning and I hadn't planned out my questions but here is what I remember of her version. She feels like he always instigated the sex when they were young and this has affected all her relationships with men since. She said in 2012 that she messaged him on fb when her marriage was ending and they chatted for 2/3 months, they met up twice where they just talked and then met once in a hotel where they had sex. She says that he then said that he 'couldn't leave his son' and then he blocked her on everything. And so she wrote the letter to him now because she thinks of this when she's depressed. She told me that they were supposed to get together when he left school and joined the airforce. (I met him during his first posting in the airforce)

I tell him I've spoke to her and that she knows a lot of personal details down to the tattoo on his chest. He tells me I'm gullible and a terrible person to 'blow up' our family on the say so of a stranger.

So like I said, this gaslighting period lasted about 5 weeks and finally through a lot of tears, I told him he's a sociopath to leave me in this state of confusion and that I will just have to accept I'll never know the truth and move on with my life and find somebody new.

It was then that he came out with his confession.

His version, she messaged him and it was nice to feel wanted so he chatted with her for a few weeks, met up on his lunch break twice then met her at a hotel when I was at my mums for the week. He says he felt like he was 14 again, it felt abstract, like a fairytale, and he thought that I didn't want him and we'd (me and our 2 year old son) be happier without him, he says he wanted to see if there was another life for him. He says as soon as he slept with her, reality hit and he just felt guilt and shame and sex wasn't the same with someone you didn't love. He says that she was on about 'running away together', so he tried to tell her he didn't want to carry on and then blocked her.

He says he's sorry and regrets it, he says he lied because he was scared. Since his confession he's been supportive and has answered everything I've asked of him. He seems genuinely remorseful, or sad that he's been found out maybe. Either way, I feel so broken that even though he's the perpetrator of my pain, I am looking to him for comfort and reassurance.

So it's been about 2 weeks since he told me the 'truth' and I'm all over the place. Mostly we've both been super clingy, I've cried a lot, we've been intimate a lot and talked a lot and he's been very caring and apolegetic. I think the anger is beginning to set in now though, I've said some horrible things to him about how I can't wait to do the same thing to him.

A complicating factor is that he had a stroke a year ago and as a result he is unable to work and I am his carer, so we are at home together most of the time and he is dependent on me for transport anywhere.

There is such a lot of baggage to unpack here, I really don't know where to start. I'm unable to function properly, I'm crying everyday, I can't stop thinking about it, but it was 10 years ago, I should just forget it right?

But if he's capable of that level of selfishness then what else has he done? He's completely untrustworthy. My whole life is built on a false belief, how can I not feel like he's robbed me of the last 10 years? I think back to that time in 2012 and we were happy, enjoying having a toddler together, how could he do this?

We've had some horrible rough patches is the last 10 years, how many of those were due to his guilt and shame? or maybe resentment at being stuck with me? Is he being so nice to me now because he's disabled and so dependent on me? How can I believe a word he says now?

My feelings are just in massive conflict right now, I want him to hug me and comfort me tell me he loves me while at the same time I feel like the only way to deal with my feelings of betrayal are to replace all those terrible thoughts with thoughts of me betraying him.

Is it worse or better that it was ten years ago? I'm now reformatting every memory over the last 10 years to this new reality and it's all just so painful. I've been tricked into being loyal, I don't know how to move forward from this.

First thoughts I have are he is lying to you. He is trying to limit the damage by selling you a story to make you empathise with him. He wants you 'on board'.
He has cheated and let you down and made you feel insane. This is not the actions of a man who loves you.

Thank you Bunty55. I feel the same, I could never betray a person I love. However over the past 23 years I have felt loved most of the time. And there has definitely been times where I've emotionally checked out and maybe let him down in his eyes, I've sometimes thought of him as the more needy partner.

Also his confession matched with her story so he is telling the truth to an extent, but since he's lied I cant really reliably believe anything he says wether it be true or not.

In 23 years you are allowed to emotionally check out now and again. Life is hard - always lots of ups and downs and you have to work at relationships to keep them special or you would end up like sister and brother and nobody wants that !

I think you need time to think, and also watch him squirm because he has been found out. Remember none of this is your fault. Do not let him blame you for any of it by saying things like he felt unloved.. all of that shit. Be strong

Oh, I remember you posting on here before and the majority told you he was lying. I am sorry this turned out to be the case.
Only you know whether the one night stand and the lying about it is a deal breaker or not, but I do not believe in the slightest he slept with her because he thought you didn't want him. He slept with her as an ego boost trip down memory lane, sure, and because sex was offered. Reframing it as anything else is a disservice to you. You were not responsible in any way for him not being able to keep his dick in his pants.

Thanks Bunty55, yes I did post a number of weeks ago when the letter first come, at that point I had decided to give him the benifit of the doubt while I investigated further.

He has said that I didn't deserve it and that I did nothing wrong but I am still left bewilered why he would trash our entire relationship for nothing.

Thanks BeenThereBoughtTheTeeShirt, yes it's a dealbreaker, until the other half of me says maybe he's telling the truth and it's a mistake that he's regretted ever since.

I think you have to decide if you can live with it and get over it. How on earth can you live with the knowledge that he did this though?
If you can't cope with the thought of breaking up, the effect it will have on your child and selling the house; if you can bear to even look at him, then set some ground rules up such as sleeping separately, then do it until you are in a place where you want to move on.
For me it would be a deal breaker. He has crossed a line and then lied to preserve his tidy comfortable lifestyle.

He trashed your relationship because he wasn't thinking about your relationship, he was caught up in a selfish, heady affair. If someone had sat him down and actually talked through what was clearly going to happen might have thought again. But you want to be with someone who knows that already and can be trusted to do the right thing by themselves.

I would take some serious space from him. Can you get a carer in? Its impossible for you to process this in the way you need whilst living so closely.

I'm so sorry

Thanks Bunty55. I don't think I can get over it but I'm just taking things day by day right now. At first when he confessed, I gladly took all his comfort and support and hugs and sorry's but today I just can't look at him. How could he do that? they chatted for weeks, he had plenty of time to realise it was a mistake.

I can't imagine what breaking up even looks like, my son is 13, he's a good boy but lately he's taken money from my drawer and I've found a vape in his school blazer. It's a crucial time for him and he needs a stable homelife.

So I just have to carry on somehow and find somewhere to put the pain, carve out my own life somehow and stop depending so much on him for emotional support.

Thank you Rodion. The selfishness astounds me. Like how could he do something so final, that he could never take back, that would surely destroy the relationship? How could he look at me every day knowing what he was doing? what he was planning? and then just carry on like nothing happened.

OP Have you considered that your son knows about his father and he is doing these things because things are wrong at home?

Yes Bunty55, the timing matches up and our sons behaviour has only really been an issue since the letter came. So it's possible there is some causality there.

But it also coincides with the time we've been giving our son more freedom to go out with his friends after school, so it's possible these things may have happened regardless. He's grounded for the near future anyway and we're trying hard to make our day-to-day as normal as possible. I'm sure it's affected our son to some degree though.

Wtf is with this OW anyway? She had the chance to tell him in 2012 that their underage sex had scarred her but she never did. Instead, she started a relationship with him knowing that he had a family and then gets butthurt when he uses her and blocks her. They're both absolutely shit people. How dare she boo-hoo 10 years later. Why send the letter? spite?

I realise it's not helpful, and I don't blame her, I thanked her for talking to me, but dear god what a selfish dick.

No. You do not concern yourself with her. She is nothing to you. It is him who has done you wrong.
Do not think about her at all. I know that will be difficult but it is he whom you should direct your anger towards.
They are both selfish people and that is why they graduated toward one another but it is he who crossed the line when he cheated.
Concentrate on your son. Put all of your energies into making him feel safe and secure. Find things that are positive to occupy the space those two have taken up in your mind. They are mental squatters

If you want to save your relationship then I strongly suggest getting relationship counselling.

For me I would have probably got past a one off 10 year thing had it not been for the weeks of gaslighting. He made you seem like you were paranoid and clearly only gave you her details because he didnt think you would have the bottle to contact her.
Only after weeks when he knew it was finally up did he come clean. He had the opportunity in the last 10 years or even when the letter came to be honest. He chose to make it seem like it was on you.

That to me is the biggest unforgivable part.

Thanks Scottishskifun. Same, the 5 weeks of gaslighting were hell. It was so confusing, I believed him and could not imagine him cheating, but it was there in black and white and my entire body was screaming at me that something was amiss.

I was imagining this was just the tip of the iceberg and that I've been so oblivious that anything could have happened, I thought maybe he got her pregnant, I took an std test because I was so scared he was sleeping with different woman everytime I visit my mums for a few days.

The lying and the deception and gaslighting is really the worst bit for me.

I looked at him wide-eyed the other day as he said how he thought she was disrespectful the way she talked about her husband and how she'd message my bf when her husband was sat right there. I did point out to my bf that he was equally disrespectful to me, he did agree.

I asked the OW when I spoke to her, "what did he say about me?" She said that he didn't say anything horrible about me. Not sure if that counta for anything.

All he can really come up with for the gaslighting was he was scared and that I'd 'dumped him' anyway.

I tell him he had had no regard for what it was doing to me and he says he never thought about it that way and he was just scared. I've told him the only reason he told the truth is to try and stop me from leaving him, not because he has a conscience, but just because he's selfish and would prefer to keep me trapped.

He's agreed that his thinking is really selfish and he'll support whatever decision I make but we'll see how the reality plays out I suppose.

He's giving the pity party excuse and woe is me......he doesn't really seem to consider your feelings in any of this just that he's been caught finally.

You have 2 choices he leaves or you stay together.
If the later then you need to get couples counselling to see if you can move forward. If he wasn't currently disabled would you trust him to not do it again?

Is he being completely open with you now so showing you Facebook etc? He probably has had chance to delete stuff but maybe not.

Perhaps you could see a therapist for you alone at first. Then you can sort out your feelings before you take any action. I know seeing one helped me so, so much.

Then if you decide to stay go for relationship counselling so this can be unpicked and ground rules can be laid down.

I know therapy is expensive, I was paying £110/hr weekly for a chartered clinical psychologist, but your whole marriage is hanging on this. If you have to delay getting a new car, or having no holiday it is still worth it. If your Dp has any funds, he should offer to pay. If you don’t have that sort of money, I would say still go and have a least one session.

And it goes with out saying, none of this is your fault.

I rememebr when you first posted about this letter.Thing is its taken you all that time to track her down, speak to her and get her version, because he just kept on lying about it. Hes admitted it only after youve spoken to her and told him that you know.

If he was so guilt ridden as he makes out, he should have grown some balls and told you when it happened, or at least soon after. Not live a lie for the next 10 years thinking he'd got away with it. He hid it from you to protect himself, not you. He took away any choice you would have had at that time to deal with it. Purely to protect himself.

For me I could never forgive that. In fact, the fact it was that long ago and he has lied that whole time would be it for me. Theres one thing making a huge mistake, and then theres quite another to be covering your own arse while deceiving the one person you are supposed to love and respect.

Ah- I've been here OP- found a load of poems/songs my H wrote about a 21 year old who worked with us )he was 41) - 11 years after it happened. My H maintains it was a one sided crush and she knew nothing but they had tons of work trips away together etc and a ton of texting went on (I had kept the phone bills and could check back) - I have stayed , don't think I will ever know the truth and 6 years later I have never felt the same if I'm honest. I deleted her off his Facebook and then about6 months later she sent messages to him asking why and then strangely deleted me off her Facebook friends the same day. If she wasn't involved in any way- why delete me!! All I will say is if you stay prepare to not feel the same again- I stayed because of age (60 now)and money situation- we work together and don't own a house, so it's not as simple as just leaving. I lose my job, home etc

In summation:

Your bf lives with you in a house you solely own.

He doesn't have a job or any prospect of a career due to health issues.

You are his carer.

His health issues would also make cheating on you/finding a new partner problematic for him currently.

He lied to you, repeatedly until he had no option but to tell the truth.

The woman he cheated on you with was vulnerable due to the break up of her relationship and her feeling used as a young teen for under age sex. When your bf got what he wanted from this vulnerable woman (sex) he dumped her.

When he finally admitted the truth about the OW, he blamed you and the state of your relationship for both a) having the affair & b) him lying to you about it. Taking no culpability/blame on his own shoulders.

If you stay with this man you will NEVER know if he really wants to be with you, if he chose you or if he just doesn't have any other options.

You feed him, cloth him, put a roof over his head, have sex with him - he would lose all of that if he loses you and he's unlikely to find it all elsewhere.

You know he is capable of lying to your face, so how will you ever believe him if he says he wants or loves you or is just saying that because his other options are so limited?

Can you really live like that?

This.

Everyone makes a mistake, she was his first love, he probably welcomed a bit of attention,was flattered and vulnerable, after a debilitating stroke but he very quickly realised what a massive mistake he made, blocked her and from what you have written, is now being honest and starting to show remorse.

This is likely a one off. Not exactly a long term affair.

Way up your options - and either accept what has happened, talk it through and move on without letting it poison your relationship in the future or let it go. None of us are perfect. I've been cheated on badly BUT can accept people make mistakes by not weighing up the implications at the time.

Or end it and walk away. If less than a good relationship prior to one night stand then time to move on but otherwise think carefully. Someone once told me that if you can't move on with the gift of kindness, hope and eventually forgiveness in your relationship then there is little point.

Natural to feel anger but don't let it rule your decisions. As your long term partner found out, grass is not always greener and this may be the same for you.