Hello, I decided to post tonight because maybe getting all of this shit out of my brain and onto the page will help in some way, maybe gain some perspective.
Background, been with my bf for 23 years. A bit turbulent and on-and-off in our 20's but no cheating that I'm aware of. 2007 we use my inheritance to buy a house and settle down, 2009 we have a son. We've had a few rough patches but overall I've always felt very safe with him and have never questioned his loyalty. We are both pretty anti-social and like to exist in our own bubble, away from the dramas of life.
He's told me before how he met his first gf on holiday, and that they didnt live in the same town but their parents facilitated visits together, and he lost his virginity to her at 14 years old.
So a couple of months ago a letter came to the house addressed to my bf. He was puzzled and asked me if I recognized the handwriting. I didn't. He read the letter, then stated, "What the fuck is wrong with people, thank you for being normal." He then threw the letter in the bin. He told me that it was from his first ever gf and that she was basically telling him that them having sex so young has had a negative affect on all her relationships with men and that she felt pressured into sex.
I tried to be supportive and said I'd like to read the letter, but I didn't demand to see it because he has his right to privacy.
Anyway, I had a really bad feeling in my gut. So the next morning I fished out the letter from the bin. It read pretty much like he said, but this part was dodgy as fuck. "My life has not been an easy life by any means and I made a lot of mistakes. I tried correcting these demons by correcting my behaviour, you did not. In actual fact you made it 100% worse in 2012 by coming back into my life, making me believe we could have something, taking what you want (sex) yet again and then destroying me."
So, I confront him, he says she's mental and it's not true, she's trying to cause trouble. I accept that but I'm also uneasy about it all. I trust my bf with my life and it is truly reality shattering to believe that he could cheat.
After a day or two I can't cope. I say, "tell me her name and let me see your facebook or I don't see how we can continue in a loving, trusting relationship." He says, "no, you should trust me, I've been faithful all these years, I could never cheat on you." And he deletes his facebook.
So I've said "Okay, it's over then. Without trust, there is no relationship and it's only right that you should be able to reassure me here and be transparent."
So, okay, I've now technically 'dumped' him. He then tells me her full name, and says, "You can be best friends" but says with regards to the facebook I can "fuck off."
For the next 5 weeks I sleep in the spare room and we pretty much ignore each other, I'm suspicious but still in hopeful denial. In this time I have found her online and messaged her. She blocked me at first. I then messaged her that I would send a letter to her home if she did not respond. She messaged me her phone number and I called it. My head was spinning and I hadn't planned out my questions but here is what I remember of her version. She feels like he always instigated the sex when they were young and this has affected all her relationships with men since. She said in 2012 that she messaged him on fb when her marriage was ending and they chatted for 2/3 months, they met up twice where they just talked and then met once in a hotel where they had sex. She says that he then said that he 'couldn't leave his son' and then he blocked her on everything. And so she wrote the letter to him now because she thinks of this when she's depressed. She told me that they were supposed to get together when he left school and joined the airforce. (I met him during his first posting in the airforce)
I tell him I've spoke to her and that she knows a lot of personal details down to the tattoo on his chest. He tells me I'm gullible and a terrible person to 'blow up' our family on the say so of a stranger.
So like I said, this gaslighting period lasted about 5 weeks and finally through a lot of tears, I told him he's a sociopath to leave me in this state of confusion and that I will just have to accept I'll never know the truth and move on with my life and find somebody new.
It was then that he came out with his confession.
His version, she messaged him and it was nice to feel wanted so he chatted with her for a few weeks, met up on his lunch break twice then met her at a hotel when I was at my mums for the week. He says he felt like he was 14 again, it felt abstract, like a fairytale, and he thought that I didn't want him and we'd (me and our 2 year old son) be happier without him, he says he wanted to see if there was another life for him. He says as soon as he slept with her, reality hit and he just felt guilt and shame and sex wasn't the same with someone you didn't love. He says that she was on about 'running away together', so he tried to tell her he didn't want to carry on and then blocked her.
He says he's sorry and regrets it, he says he lied because he was scared. Since his confession he's been supportive and has answered everything I've asked of him. He seems genuinely remorseful, or sad that he's been found out maybe. Either way, I feel so broken that even though he's the perpetrator of my pain, I am looking to him for comfort and reassurance.
So it's been about 2 weeks since he told me the 'truth' and I'm all over the place. Mostly we've both been super clingy, I've cried a lot, we've been intimate a lot and talked a lot and he's been very caring and apolegetic. I think the anger is beginning to set in now though, I've said some horrible things to him about how I can't wait to do the same thing to him.
A complicating factor is that he had a stroke a year ago and as a result he is unable to work and I am his carer, so we are at home together most of the time and he is dependent on me for transport anywhere.
There is such a lot of baggage to unpack here, I really don't know where to start. I'm unable to function properly, I'm crying everyday, I can't stop thinking about it, but it was 10 years ago, I should just forget it right?
But if he's capable of that level of selfishness then what else has he done? He's completely untrustworthy. My whole life is built on a false belief, how can I not feel like he's robbed me of the last 10 years? I think back to that time in 2012 and we were happy, enjoying having a toddler together, how could he do this?
We've had some horrible rough patches is the last 10 years, how many of those were due to his guilt and shame? or maybe resentment at being stuck with me? Is he being so nice to me now because he's disabled and so dependent on me? How can I believe a word he says now?
My feelings are just in massive conflict right now, I want him to hug me and comfort me tell me he loves me while at the same time I feel like the only way to deal with my feelings of betrayal are to replace all those terrible thoughts with thoughts of me betraying him.
Is it worse or better that it was ten years ago? I'm now reformatting every memory over the last 10 years to this new reality and it's all just so painful. I've been tricked into being loyal, I don't know how to move forward from this.