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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

She didn’t even come outside

57 replies

Ncfreely · 17/07/2022 21:09

I moved overseas with my family 18 months ago to a far away place. We had originally moved back to the UK from this place a few years ago when my babies were very little, so I had made several new friendships on my return to the U.K. at playgroups primary school etc. One of those became a very close friend and I saw her often, had her kids round, picked each other’s kids up from school, barbecues together etc.

When we moved back again I was devastated for ages because I missed her company so much but we’ve kept in touch loads and always talked about when we get to meet up again- she knows I’m planning to visit at least yearly. A few weeks ago she said she would be emotional when she saw me.

In the days leading up to us coming we texted about plans, we had a day out booked in but nothing else.

I mentioned the first weekend we arrived I could pop round for a cup of tea after she finishes work and I wanted to see her as much as possible. She works from home doing beauty type stuff and finished at 7pm and 3pm on the sat/sun respectively. She was also going off on holiday but not until two weeks after we arrived back. She didn’t reply to these messages which I thought was odd and I didn’t hear from when I first arrived back. So on the Sunday I popped by in the afternoon and knocked on the front window (we often did this and she never minded so that’s not an issue) to surprise her.

Her reaction was as if the postman had turned up with a parcel. She didn’t even come to the open window let alone come out to hug me. I was so wounded I said I couldn’t stay I just had to see her and scuttled off. I felt absolutely devastated and confused tbh. As I walked away I heard her say “right, dinner” as if I was just some mere interruption to her dinner prep.

Didnt text her again then bumped into her at the park and I just acted as normal. We then went on the day out we had planned although she changed it to a walk due to covid (as she had to get a pcr test for the holiday). I didn’t hear from her again despite us saying we would try and get together - I left the ball in her court - until the night before her holiday when she text saying hope we had a safe trip back and sorry she couldn’t meet up again she had been so busy fitting clients in before her (6day) holiday.

I am crying as I write this which makes me sound pathetic but we were such good friends and I am totally blindsided. I know from experience that when you come back to visit people are often busy and life goes on but it really wasn’t that kind of friendship. We were close and others have commented how weird it is. I have racked my brains - was it due to covid? Her DH is vulnerable and she has always been wary but she went swimming at the local pools and we could easily have sat outside for a cup of tea. She was concerned about the pcr for holiday. She goes on and on about how busy she is with work but I fail to see how you couldn’t spare 15 minutes for a cuppa with your old mate a few times - I always used to pop by in between clients etc. My DH reckons she has become even more negative and alienated herself, after talking to her. She was definitely a one for bad mouthing others but other people have said she never said a bad word against me. Has she just decided it’s not worth the effort? Why would she be in touch so much 😭

Thank you for reading my essay. I’ve tried not to drip feed. Any advice welcome. Please be gentle - it has been an absolute emotional rollercoaster.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ncfreely · 17/07/2022 21:10

Sorry I’ve cocked up already - we are currently visiting the U.K. I should have said. It has been planned for several months.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 17/07/2022 21:13

Tbh she sounds really weird! I can understand how confused you are, but I'd not bother contacting her again. Far too flaky.

Original poster
Ncfreely · 17/07/2022 21:17

@BMW6 i know that’s why I have to do but I feel so upset - it’s like breaking up with someone almost.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 17/07/2022 21:21

Sorry to hear. I wonder if she is really frightened of catching Covid if her DC is vulnerable

Original poster
Ncfreely · 17/07/2022 21:22

@bluejelly that is genuinely what I thought after the first incident. But as time has gone on I’m not sure. I know I should ask her but part of me thinks really it is simple - she just wasn’t that arsed about seeing me.

OP posts:
IckGirl · 17/07/2022 21:23

I think it's a real shame she ghosted you over meeting for a cup of tea, if she had have been honest then you wouldn't have ended up going round there and then you look like the aggressive one really knocking on her window (I do get that that was normal for your relationship prior).

I had a friendship like this with a friend who moved abroad, she was the one who was cold and offhand when she came back to visit.

I can understand your hurt feelings but I think in these situations it's helpful to remind ourselves of that saying that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

This friend was here for a season, so was mind. It was nice while it lasted and we were neighbours and needed childcare swaps etc. I realise the friendship would have died off a lot once our kids were in secondary (now that I've experienced this with other 'close' friends).

Best to focus on the good times.

RiceRiceBaby16 · 17/07/2022 21:24

Ncfreely · 17/07/2022 21:09

I moved overseas with my family 18 months ago to a far away place. We had originally moved back to the UK from this place a few years ago when my babies were very little, so I had made several new friendships on my return to the U.K. at playgroups primary school etc. One of those became a very close friend and I saw her often, had her kids round, picked each other’s kids up from school, barbecues together etc.

When we moved back again I was devastated for ages because I missed her company so much but we’ve kept in touch loads and always talked about when we get to meet up again- she knows I’m planning to visit at least yearly. A few weeks ago she said she would be emotional when she saw me.

In the days leading up to us coming we texted about plans, we had a day out booked in but nothing else.

I mentioned the first weekend we arrived I could pop round for a cup of tea after she finishes work and I wanted to see her as much as possible. She works from home doing beauty type stuff and finished at 7pm and 3pm on the sat/sun respectively. She was also going off on holiday but not until two weeks after we arrived back. She didn’t reply to these messages which I thought was odd and I didn’t hear from when I first arrived back. So on the Sunday I popped by in the afternoon and knocked on the front window (we often did this and she never minded so that’s not an issue) to surprise her.

Her reaction was as if the postman had turned up with a parcel. She didn’t even come to the open window let alone come out to hug me. I was so wounded I said I couldn’t stay I just had to see her and scuttled off. I felt absolutely devastated and confused tbh. As I walked away I heard her say “right, dinner” as if I was just some mere interruption to her dinner prep.

Didnt text her again then bumped into her at the park and I just acted as normal. We then went on the day out we had planned although she changed it to a walk due to covid (as she had to get a pcr test for the holiday). I didn’t hear from her again despite us saying we would try and get together - I left the ball in her court - until the night before her holiday when she text saying hope we had a safe trip back and sorry she couldn’t meet up again she had been so busy fitting clients in before her (6day) holiday.

I am crying as I write this which makes me sound pathetic but we were such good friends and I am totally blindsided. I know from experience that when you come back to visit people are often busy and life goes on but it really wasn’t that kind of friendship. We were close and others have commented how weird it is. I have racked my brains - was it due to covid? Her DH is vulnerable and she has always been wary but she went swimming at the local pools and we could easily have sat outside for a cup of tea. She was concerned about the pcr for holiday. She goes on and on about how busy she is with work but I fail to see how you couldn’t spare 15 minutes for a cuppa with your old mate a few times - I always used to pop by in between clients etc. My DH reckons she has become even more negative and alienated herself, after talking to her. She was definitely a one for bad mouthing others but other people have said she never said a bad word against me. Has she just decided it’s not worth the effort? Why would she be in touch so much 😭

Thank you for reading my essay. I’ve tried not to drip feed. Any advice welcome. Please be gentle - it has been an absolute emotional rollercoaster.

I'm confused, what did she do when you knocked on the window, did she just ignore you or come to the door?

WTF475878237NC · 17/07/2022 21:26

She didn't come to the window or the door so how did she know it was you?

It sounds like the friendship wasn't held in the same regard by you both, or certainly isn't now.

Original poster
Ncfreely · 17/07/2022 21:49

When I knocked and said an excited hello or something like that she turned and saw me and just said something like hi, how are you (I can’t remember exactly because her face and body language stunned me) but it was just like I was anyone - like I was the postie. Not “emotional” or happy etc. her children and DH all shouted in excitement. She didn’t move from the spot she was in the come to the open window. Bear in mind the window is next to the front door too - she didn’t even come out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ncfreely · 17/07/2022 21:55

@IckGirl thank you x

OP posts:
Notagain76 · 17/07/2022 22:05

Could she be scared as saying bye might be hard, maybe she struggled last time

Aprilx · 17/07/2022 22:24

I think when you move overseas you have to accept that friendships move on and some won’t stand the test of time. Sounds like this is one of them, she maybe doesn’t see the point in having friends that live in a very far away place.

I can’t even begin to tell you how I would feel if a friend who moved overseas 18 months ago turned up uninvited and started banging on my front windows.

PerseverancePays · 17/07/2022 22:34

You say she bad mouths others and I wonder if she over relied on her friendship with you and is protecting herself from getting emotionally attached to you again. It happened to me when I went abroad for three years to study, my closest friend said that it had hit her very hard and after I left she made more effort to widen her circle. Our friendship never recovered because in a way she never forgave me.

pimlicoanna · 17/07/2022 22:39

I think you left and she just mentally moved on.

Mariposista · 17/07/2022 22:43

In the time you have been away she has become bats* crazy. And rude. So sorry OP, breaking up with a friend and accepting it’s over when you haven’t done anything wrong is hard.

Thejoyfulstar · 17/07/2022 23:05

This happened to me once. I had a friend who was also so excited any time I came home. Once I got home and unpacked then went to the shopping centre to get a few things and bumped into her there. I went running over to her and hugged her and was stunned to be met with her stiff body language and very business as usual behaviour. My husband said it was really awkward and I felt really embarrassed. She had a lot of insecurities and the friendship ended a year later. We had been incredibly close at one point.

ilikemethewayiam · 17/07/2022 23:56

I get it OP, It’s so hurtful when this happens. I had a bestie for over 20 years, similar to you we minded each other’s kids, told each other anything and everything. We were each others rocks, then out of the blue she just ignored/stopped returning my calls and emails. She just ghosted me. We hadn’t fallen out or had cross words. I was totally bereft and 10 years later still am to a point. I was blindsided by it. You are right losing a best friend like that is like a romantic breakup. I’ve found it very difficult to trust any female friends since that and don’t get so emotionally attached. I don’t want to get hurt like that again.

McClaire · 18/07/2022 00:04

I think you need to try and move on.

nocoolnamesleft · 18/07/2022 00:37

I think when you chose to leave, she decided to move on.

PetalParty · 18/07/2022 00:57

As someone once said: “ These bitches ain’t loyal”
💐

ClaryFairchild · 18/07/2022 01:43

You cried when you left, yet you made the choice to leave. She didn't make that choice and would have felt even worse. You took the friendship away by moving, almost like abandonment. I suspect you coming back has made her relive all that hurt. She needs to get over it, but getting over it might include either distancing from you or cutting you off.

Vecna · 18/07/2022 02:30

Maybe you blindsided her and she was overcome with awkwardness. It can be very awkward when you haven't seen someone in a long time, more so the more close you were. It can be difficult to act naturally. Messaging and phone calls are nothing like being in someone's company. I don't react well to surprises, especially emotionally charged surprises. I'd probably stiffen instinctively.

Also, a lot of time has passed and things change - that can be a sad realisation. Reunions are rarely how you imagine them to be, so perhaps your expectations were too high.

Reallyreallyborednow · 18/07/2022 03:08

Have you caught her at home doing something she shouldn’t? Not opening the door is weird, did you talk through the closed window?

would also explain all the “busy with work” stuff. If she’s cheating or something it’s her cover story…

TheFridayRabbit · 18/07/2022 03:49

She saw you through the window and didn’t even get up?? That is SO weird.

I can’t see how that could possibly be anything other than very rude.

What a horrible way for her to behave 😞

oatmilk4breakfast · 18/07/2022 05:15

Feels obvious to me that she got hurt by you leaving and was angry at you while knowing there was no way to tell you that. Her kids were excited because they weren’t so close to you