Name change for this one. Apologies in advance for the long story
I met a man on online dating in 2021. I’m 29 and he is 37. His profile said he was looking for something long term (as was I). We had very (almost scaringly similar) interests and hit it off right away. Before we met, he told me he was divorced. He said his divorce was finalised in 2020 after being initiated following separation in late 2019. He said he’d been married for 5 years and was in a relationship for 13 years with her altogether. He said they “settled” for each other and there was no love, or spark, they had incompatible personalities and no shared interests. He also told me that they wanted kids but that she had fertility problems and although they agreed not to have children, he always struggled with this decision. He told me he initiated the break up but that they both mutually agreed it was for the best.
We went on our first date in September 2021. We hit it off. For the first few months, we would go on about one date per week (sometimes less), always for a walk or cuppa or lunch. It was slower than the pace I was used to, but I was also relieved that he wasn’t just after sex. I started pushing for us to have a weekend night out date too, but he was a doctor (true) and would always use work as an excuse to let me down last minute.
Things finally ramped up in November time and he stayed at mine once or twice. We also had a weekend away together. Just before the New Year, I went abroad for a few weeks on a work trip which was not ideal, because then in February he went on a 10 day trip abroad by himself (although I obviously now doubt this was the case). Throughout this time, however he would text me constantly, to the point where it was beginning to negatively impact my life and I had to say we needed to cut it down. He would send me extravagant gifts to my house, would brag about money, told me he loved me and that we were soul mates and that he’d never had a connection like it in his life.
When he returned, we were supposed to go to dinner one night and then stay at his house, but he cancelled on me due to work. I went into the city anyway and was surprised to see his car in the car park and not at work. I kept this to myself and instead did some research online which resulted in me finding his Facebook. He told me he didn’t have Facebook. He was hard to find as he had purposely spelt his first name backwards.
When I challenged him, he reacted very negatively, calling me a stalker and the mask truly slipped and I saw the real side of him. He had an excuse for everything though and after I got upset due to how he spoke to me, he love bombed me for weeks afterwards. This included him finally agreeing to meet some of my family and friends and we went on another weekend away, but I was unknowingly hooked in an abusive cycle with him.
He refused to add me on socials, saying he didn’t use them because he had a “cleanse” 2 years ago and didn’t know his passwords. By now my trust had gone though and I could see his follower count on Instagram rising.
By April, I would see him 2-3 times a week but never at his house. He told me his brother and brothers gf had moved in whilst they looked for a house so they weren’t in a chain, and was very reluctant for me to meet them or any of his friends/family really, calling them “psychos”. He bad mouthed everyone. Although I never met his family or friends, he met mine and would often be negative about them after we left, saying things like “he was really judgmental wasn’t he” or “she was a big girl wasn’t she”. He would constantly bombard me with texts and wouldn’t like it if I didn’t respond to him straight away. I started to become really unhappy and knew something was off but always doubted it even though I should have listened to my gut. He always said things like “when we get married” and “when we have kids” and was starting to seem controlling. He would say how he couldn’t wait for me to meet his parents because they’d love me but … that time never seemed to come.
At the beginning of June, 7 days before our first holiday abroad together, he ended it. He did it over text in a very cold and callous way. He said his ex wife found out about us (which he seemed to blame me for?) and was stalking and harassing him which he found stressful and he didn’t feel he was in emotionally the right place for a relationship! I didn’t believe it. A few weeks later, I was on a hen do and when drunk got talking to a friend of the bride who was a nurse. I mentioned my ex, showed her photos and the colour drained from her face. She said she worked with him previously and that her sister lived in their street and he has never been divorced from his wife. They live together. She followed him on Instagram (but not FB) but his grid contained happy photos of them together throughout our relationship. On the night I saw his car in the city, they’d gone out for an anniversary meal. He also followed a huge amount of local women and insta models who’s photos he constantly likes. He also started following an old friend of mine a few months ago, around the same time she split up with her bf and began using dating apps, so I also wonder if he has been on them when we were in a rship. I blocked him whilst I was on the hen.
I’ve been in complete turmoil these past few weeks. Yes I know I’ve dodged a bullet and I know I was in an emotionally abusive rship (with a narcissist at least or psychopath at best) but please be kind, I’m feeling fragile at the moment and very silly and stupid.
I’ve found his wife on social media. I’ve been told she is absolutely lovely, extremely popular, and the stories about fertility struggles have been verified for which my heart goes out to her. They have no children, neither do I. What do I do? If it was me, I’d want to know. But as you can see, he has dangerous tendencies, and I worry about what he would do. I have a cat and dog I absolutely adore, he was always very shifty around them and would never interact with them which I found unusual. It was as if he didn’t like them because they took attention off him. I worry he may harm them or cause damage to my house or car or something but not sure if I’m worrying too much and that I should just message her.
Any advice?