My husband is a liar and I'm done

[Spanielmom]

I've had little trust in my OH for years but its all come to a head when I made him admit he had run up so many debts because he started using drugs. He has been borrowing money left and right. Even off one of my grown up daughters friends. He was sacked from his old job because he stole from the company. This was a year ago but hes lied about the reason he was fired. I found out when a letter came saying he owes them thousands in a civil court case.
This was when he admitted what was happening. But took him days to actually apologise.
Things came to ahead yesterday when my daughter called me distraught that one of her friends told her he'd borrowed money from him. They're not even friends its just someone he casually knows.
I received a message from some man saying my OH had to stop avoiding him which has scared me because most of the rime I'm at home just with my 13 year old son.
I'm done with it all I want out. We've been married for 16 years but he is 8 years my junior and he admitted to my daughter how he feels like he's missed out on so much by marrying quite young. He claims he still feels like a young man, he's 38, and feels as though I'm passed the intimacy side of things. I am going thru early menopause so have no interest in sex but let's be honest why would I want to share a bed with a liar who contributes nothing to my home and finances.
Kinda the nail in the coffin for me so I made my mind up I want to end it. I work so hard to give us a nice home while he squanders and contributes nothing because he's clearly paying off people.
2 problems I have. I have paid for 2 weeks holiday with him and my son in 3 weeks. I'd happy go without him but feel guilt for doing this even tho he hasn't contributed a penny, in fact he owes me savings because I've had to loan him money to get by...he claims his work haven't paid him. Clearly they have he's just having to pay people.
Also I don't know if he has anywhere to go. He has a small family who he doesn't really have envolvemet with and maybe one friend I know of. So I don't want to tell him to leave incase he has no where. But why am I making this my problem? I'm overwhelmed with how much he has lied to me I feel utterly betrayed.
My son rarely sees him and when he does there's no interaction so I think he would be ok. It's very much for me so I'd help him through it.
Sorry this is garbled. Its 8am and I've not slept all night. I just need some advice on where to go with this. This is my home I pay the rent and utilities so I would not be leaving. But how do I'd get rid of the guilt of telling him its over and asking him to leave when I don't know where he'd go.
I thought about speaking to his dad to see if he could stay there but unsure if that my place to do so. I'm exhausted and I just want to live the rest of my life without looking over my shoulder or waiting for the next thing to go wrong.

Where he goes is not your worry, he hasn't put you or your son first has he?
Pack his bags and put him out, today.
Any mail that comes send it back as unknown at this address, keep his debt away from you.
Go your holiday with your son.

Why is it up to you to find him somewhere to live? Why would you feel guilty? Do you think he felt guilty when he was stealing and lying to you? Choose your children and just tell him to go. You don't need to arrange accommodation for him, he isn't your problem.

You've tried to help him and he's thrown it back in your face. Tell him to leave. He's broken your trust and lying is a really unattractive, destructive trait. How dare he blame you for his issues. Get angry and get rid. Contact credit referencing agencies and create a disassociation. You don't want his debts coming back on you. If you haven't already, confide in close friends and family what has been going on. It will make things easier for you however hard it is to do. You can't fix him and it's his loss.

Thank you both for your swift replies. I suppose I've always been a people pleaser. I've put up with so much shit from him but now he's been caught out his playing the guilt card. The sad looks the tears.
He posted videos on tiktok, yes he is that immature, about his mental health and how he sees no way out. I ignored them as attention and I don't thing he has the balls to do anything stupid but that's why I'm feeling the guilt.
I've been divorced before so I know I can manage. I had 3 very young children then. I have a decent job and could manage financially even tho I'd have to speak to companies and explain the reasons they haven't been paid was because he was meant to he responsible for them. I'm sure they'd help.
The holiday is a big concern. I wanted this to be amazing for ny bot we've waited so long and this will likely be our last one for a while. Should I let him still come for my boys sake or sack it off and go just me and him.
This has all come to a head at such a bad time x

You have taken responsibility for him. The guilt is a continuation of this. He has broken the marriage contract.
It sounds like you are codependent.
You are colluding with him in treating yourself and your family like shit.

If you don't start putting yourself first he is going to drag you down further. He is not going to be considerate of you.
Only you can stop this.

What could you address today? What steps can you make towards prioritising yourself?

Just make sure you change the locks as people do stupid things when they are desperate, including stealing form family.

From

But why am I making this my problem?

You said it. It's utterly baffling why you're still coddling this loser, and you have to be mad to take him on holiday with you. He'd only ruin it. Kick him out and change the locks before you go.

He is a grown man. He has been putting himself first for a long time. In fact not just putting himself first, but acting as though he is the only person who matters, and using you, hurting you to get what he wants.

He is actively bad for you and your DC.

So - he is very happy to trample all over you to get what he wants. You shouldn't be worrying about him. Your concern is yourself and your children. Your children need you to put them first, which is what you're doing. Take the holiday with your son, see a solicitor and get things lined up to divorce your DH. He is responsible for what he does next, not you.

He has been utterly irresponsible so you've taken on the job of being the responsible, sensible one, the caring one. He's 38!!!! He is as able to sort out accommodation and work as you are. He's chosen to throw it away by using drugs, losing jobs, lying to you, geting himself in to debt. It's for him to clean up his own mess, not you. Focus all of your energies on getting away from him and having a lovely life with your children.

This man sensed something in you he could and indeed has exploited; your people pleasing behaviour. People pleasing often starts by wanting to parent please; were your parents emotionally absent or otherwise unavailable when you were a child. If this is the case this further led into you becoming codependent; they taught you to be codependent. Reading Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie could help you no end as would attending CODA meetings.

You have indeed taken on responsibility for him as a result of being codependent as well and the guilt plays into this. He on the other hand has no guilt or remorse for what he has put you through.

Re the holiday I would take his name off the booking as your relationship with him is now over. I would also seek legal advice re divorce asap.

If I were in your shoes I would just tell him to leave. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, he has repeatedly lied to you, he doesn’t contribute financially to your household, and you’re no longer intimate.

You are not in a marriage, aside from a certificate that says you are, there is nothing that I have read that shows this man loves and respects you- discussing private matters with your daughter underscores this.

He doesn’t add any value to your life, and he’s not worth risking your mental health over.

Cut the tie, at 38 years old he is old enough to figure out his next move and it’s unlikely, though not impossible, that his behaviour will change.
once he has gone you will feel a weight has been lifted.

Hadn't even thought about changing the locks.
I believe he's a pathological liar. He doesn't realise the harm in it.
You're all right he hasn't considered us and I think he's only sorry because he has been caught.
I just worry what will happen to him. He is clearly using all his money to pay debts so how will he survive. I know you will all say its not my problem. But I wouldn't want harm to come to him. Hes my sons dad.
Its all just shit and very bad timing.
When I first found out a lot of this I decided to see if we could stretch it out till after the holiday then call it quits but you're right. I've worked hard for this 2 weeks I don't want to feel obligated to play happy families x

Don't take him on holiday with you. He'll probably find a way to get drugs over there and completely ruin your holiday by getting arrested or something else stupid.
Have an amazing time with your son without the stress of that dead weight.

Kick him out, change the locks and block his number and go and live your happy, stress free life with your children.
If not for you, do it for your kids. They deserve a happy mum xx

Do you really want to to remember a holiday with a man who is a drug user, court case pending, in debt to Christ knows who, lies and doesn't have a relationship with his son?

It will spoil the whole holiday and you will never want to look back on it again.

Rather than think about the holiday as last one with your Ex...think about it as the First one with her son as a single mum. It will be a new start.

This man isn't able to be a dad, let alone a husband. His behaviour isn't your fault, he obviously has major issues which you can't solve. They is help out there IF he chooses to seek it but until then there is nothing you can do.

It's likely he choose you because you offered stability but he will destroy your families lives if he stays. Tell his dad that you are separating and then it's his dads choice if he stays there. Most men like him try to find another woman to move in with...don't be surprised if he does this!

I will take my son regardless. It'll be on a budget now but so be it. Memories don't cost anything to make. We are very close so I'm sure spending this time will make us even closer.
I totally understand what you are all saying and tears gave flowed reading your replies. However this is the first time I've felt emotional about it. Which must speak volumes.
I will talk to him today and tell him the betrayal and the lies have been too much.
I'll tell him I'm sorry but I can't put me and my kids at risk because of his actions.
Do I allow him time to find somewhere or tell him to go today x

I agree with everyone else, tell him it's over and to leave. Don't let him come on the holiday because he'd probably ruin it and you said yourself that it'll probably be the last one for a while. Go with your son and have a lovely time.
I know you don't want him to come to any harm but he really isn't your problem now.
Put your children and yourself first.

Do I allow him time to find somewhere or tell him to go today

TODAY. You've already put this off for far, far too long. Please, get the locks changed immediately.

This must be so hard OP. But truth be told you don’t have to concern yourself with where he’s going or who he will be with. He’s causing you and your family to suffer. Can you name change the holiday and take your adult daughter instead of him? I think you all need a family holiday together without him! He will really damage your well-being. Take care of yourself and your family first. Leave him on his arse - your not responsible for his drug debt! I hope you are all ok and get out of this mess soon.

I understand all the advice being given because of the emotional side but you cant follow it.

You cannot change the locks. It isn't legal. You cant even kick him out. You're married. That is his home too. It is a marital asset. Dont do anything which is going to come back on you during the divorce. You cannot kick someone out of their home and change the locks without repercussions, because that is legally his home too.

You need to find a way to do it so he leaves willingly. Once he is out and living somewhere else then you can maybe have the locks changed but you cannot simply kick him out or change the locks while he pops to the shops or something.

You might have paid for the house but it isn't yours. It is a marital asset and he will get some sort of payout from the marital assets. It won't be anything crazy like 50/50 hopefully because you'll be the one the child lives with, but he is going to get money from you/the house.

Don’t think about it, he has lied. He needs to go today.

"I just worry what will happen to him".

That is your codependent nature talking. Ask yourself why his needs are apparently more important than your own?. Such types of man will also find some sofa to sleep on and he will manipulate them as well. All this man cares about is his own self; your son and you are mere afterthoughts and do not figure here.

I would also tell him to go today and have another adult present with you when doing so if at all possible in case he kicks off (which is possible given that his free ride with you is coming to an end).

WeAreBob. The house is rented so this wouldn't be an issue in a divorce. As for assets we live month to month so nothing expect his personal belongings would come into it. For his faults he would expect me and our son to leave our home.
He already packed a bag yesterday when I arrived home from work after a huge row over the phone saying we'd be better off without him.
I had an important work engagement last night which would affect a promotion so I had to leave him stood there over his bag of belongings and said we would speak today. He was at work last night so I was in bed in the other room when he got back.
The landlord of the house is a friend ro us both but originally him however I've been dealing with his wife since I found out he hadn't paid the rent fully for a few months, I used to transfer the money to him and he'd pay it. This has since stopped I pay them directly. Once bitten. I'm sure if I speak to her she would have no problem taking his name off the tenancy.

You can't just 'throw him out' or 'change the locks'. You're married and he owns half the house. If it's rented he's in the lease. See a solicitor and do it properly. Divorce and get rid of him. He's not your problem any more.

Enjoy your holiday with you and your little boy. He ❤️ is your real priority. Start life again without the millstone boyfriend who doesn’t even want to be with you fgs!