My husband is a liar and I'm done

[Spanielmom]

I've had little trust in my OH for years but its all come to a head when I made him admit he had run up so many debts because he started using drugs. He has been borrowing money left and right. Even off one of my grown up daughters friends. He was sacked from his old job because he stole from the company. This was a year ago but hes lied about the reason he was fired. I found out when a letter came saying he owes them thousands in a civil court case.
This was when he admitted what was happening. But took him days to actually apologise.
Things came to ahead yesterday when my daughter called me distraught that one of her friends told her he'd borrowed money from him. They're not even friends its just someone he casually knows.
I received a message from some man saying my OH had to stop avoiding him which has scared me because most of the rime I'm at home just with my 13 year old son.
I'm done with it all I want out. We've been married for 16 years but he is 8 years my junior and he admitted to my daughter how he feels like he's missed out on so much by marrying quite young. He claims he still feels like a young man, he's 38, and feels as though I'm passed the intimacy side of things. I am going thru early menopause so have no interest in sex but let's be honest why would I want to share a bed with a liar who contributes nothing to my home and finances.
Kinda the nail in the coffin for me so I made my mind up I want to end it. I work so hard to give us a nice home while he squanders and contributes nothing because he's clearly paying off people.
2 problems I have. I have paid for 2 weeks holiday with him and my son in 3 weeks. I'd happy go without him but feel guilt for doing this even tho he hasn't contributed a penny, in fact he owes me savings because I've had to loan him money to get by...he claims his work haven't paid him. Clearly they have he's just having to pay people.
Also I don't know if he has anywhere to go. He has a small family who he doesn't really have envolvemet with and maybe one friend I know of. So I don't want to tell him to leave incase he has no where. But why am I making this my problem? I'm overwhelmed with how much he has lied to me I feel utterly betrayed.
My son rarely sees him and when he does there's no interaction so I think he would be ok. It's very much for me so I'd help him through it.
Sorry this is garbled. Its 8am and I've not slept all night. I just need some advice on where to go with this. This is my home I pay the rent and utilities so I would not be leaving. But how do I'd get rid of the guilt of telling him its over and asking him to leave when I don't know where he'd go.
I thought about speaking to his dad to see if he could stay there but unsure if that my place to do so. I'm exhausted and I just want to live the rest of my life without looking over my shoulder or waiting for the next thing to go wrong.

I've a feeling given a few days he'll try to convince me to try again but I don't think my mental health could take it

Of course he will, losers always try to weasel their way back to keep their easy life. You simply can't allow yourself to go backwards. For yourself and your child. He needs to stay gone.

Well done OP, what a massive step you have taken.

Can you all the GP tomorrow or self refer to NHS talking therapies?

Coda was also mentioned upthread, look into it.

Start looking at yourself now, how you got into this situation, how you can prevent a return to it and learn about healthier , happier ways of relating and being.

Enjoy your holiday!
Bless your boy "we'll be alright mam".
Yes, now you will.
💐

Well done OP!! You've taken that first step. Keep going xxx

Well done 💐

Don't bring this clown on holiday ffs

go, you and your son, rest and unwind best you cannot

*CAN

sorry you're dealing with this op

Well done, OP. Onwards and upwards from now on 💐💐💐

So 48 hours in I had to message him because there's an awards ceremony at school for our son today and he wanted to know if his dad was coming. It was a yes then he messaged asking me what was the reason there had been no intimacy in our relationship for the past year. I told him straight cos I was so hurt that this was the most important factor for him.
No trust, feeling under appreciated and having to struggle with my anxiety alone.
He tried turning it on me saying he'd always been there to support me !!!
Then he said he couldn't come today because he was sitting crying and didn't want to embarrass our boy by getting upset at school.
Then low and behold a tiktok video saying how he's lost everything with the sound effect of someone screaming and crying in desperation. Now thos wouldn't have been for my benefit because he made sure I was blocked from his account so a xry for help maybe or just for attention.
I've told him this is the way it is but I would like to get to the point where we could be civil and Co parent. Maybe even have the odd day where we can both do something with our son. He's not replied. I've told him where to meet me of hes coming today and left it at that.
I don't know why I expected any different.
Meanwhile in the last 48 hours I've spoken to my landlord to get the tenancy in my name but he has to email her to surrender his part in it. Yet to ask him cos this won't go well.
Other than that, I'm fine and just getting in with life as normal as i can

Him confiding in your daughter raises an alarm bell for me @Spanielmom . Keep an eye on that relationship. I may be overly cynical, but it sounds to me as if he is trying to groom/manipulate her.

You sound properly determined, which is good. It's clear to everyone, including your children, that this is the right thing to do. Ignore his childish posturing online, it's just pure manipulation to try to get himself out of the situation he created.
Please carry on with this, you will feel so much better!

Jaysus, I've read about some appalling men on MN over the years, but yours is the most pathetic and puerile attention-seeker

Keep going OP, you're going to feel a million times better, younger and lighter without this carping whingebag dragging you down

I don't think I'd go in the holiday because what if he empties the house whilst you're gone?

I'd see about phoning for a partial refund. Or even say to him he should take the holiday because you need some space from him rn. And whilst he is gone, get the divorce rolling.

I'd be worried that he is gambling the money.
And I'd be checking he'd not done other things behind my back like take out another mortgage on the house or even, life insurance on me.

Sooner you get the divorce and the house sold the better.

Make sure any of you money in joint bank accounts that is yours, is moved to a safe account of your own.

Also, you need to tell that man that if your husband owe you money he should go through the proper chanel and take him to small claims court. But that it has nothing to do with you. And that he isn't to engage you again.

Just seen your updates. Good thing the place is rented. I think I'd look for another place though. I mean, who knows who he has borrowed dosh of that could show up.

Ugh that tictoc though. He's such an attention seeking, sniveling little narcissist.

I wouldn't even worry about coparenting, sounds like your 13 year old is pretty much over him anyway. Don't put yourself out pushing to facilitate anything. Your teen can decide how much or little contact he wants.

I had ideas about staying civil, having days out together etc for the sake of DC. In reality, it was just a continuation of our abusive relationship with him controlling me, me walking on eggshells. It was hard to stop as we did have some good times and I felt bad for DC, but eventually I realised he was still being abusive and I needed to step away from it. Now we have barely any contact and since I've stopped responding to all the drama, things are a lot calmer. It felt liberating to ignore him when he was being a dick.

Oh but make sure your boy doesn't have a savings account at the bank that his dad can access!

I'm not sure he's trying to groom the DD, but it's inappropriate for him to confide in her. He'd have been 22 when he married OP (8yrs his senior with 3 young children, according to her post), so he probably has missed out on stuff other young adults are doing by getting married so young and gaining an instant family. None of which excuses his behaviour since btw. He sounds quite immature if he's making TikTok videos to garner attention.

Grim. The TikTok’s just embarrassing

Good god, what a weak, pathetic, self-centred, manipulative attention-seeker he is! Grey rock, OP. Do not even for a moment consider letting his dramatics make you feel guilty or sorry for him or let him drag you back in. Well done for getting him out - stay strong!

If you go on holiday with him he will take the opportunity of Sun and relaxation to try and smooth things over and convince you it’s all worth saving and giving another go. And you’ll believe him, in the safe little holiday world where you’re living day to day and have no worries beyond what’s for breakfast and where to lay your towel to sunbathe. But you’ll come home and he’ll carry on and you’ll be in this position but even deeper 3, 6 or 12 months down the line and wishing you’d never listened to him on holiday. The holiday will make you vulnerable to more manipulation and lies, don’t take him.

Sorry if my last post displeased you. Feel free to scroll by
As you can see if taken steps to protect my son , its easy to tell someone what to do but you're not in their shoes. I've tried for many many month but have only just got up the courage

Well done for getting him out OP. Is there any way one of your adult DC could stay at the house while you're gone, or could a neighbour keep an eye? I'd be worried about him coming and thieving stuff to feed his addiction.

Someone up thread mentioned Codependent No More
I'd also suggest looking into Narc Anon or Al Amon meetings - these are for the families of addicts. Lots of online meetings available as well as face to face ones in most cities and big towns. They can provide immediate support as well as ongoing help with moving yourself out of that people pleasing, enabling mode.

Your son sounds like a lovely young man. I have no doubt you will all thrive without this useless waster in your lives.

My older children don't live with me he is not their dad. This is all I'll say to you on the matter