Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband is a liar and I'm done

74 replies

Spanielmom · 17/07/2022 08:33

I've had little trust in my OH for years but its all come to a head when I made him admit he had run up so many debts because he started using drugs. He has been borrowing money left and right. Even off one of my grown up daughters friends. He was sacked from his old job because he stole from the company. This was a year ago but hes lied about the reason he was fired. I found out when a letter came saying he owes them thousands in a civil court case.
This was when he admitted what was happening. But took him days to actually apologise.
Things came to ahead yesterday when my daughter called me distraught that one of her friends told her he'd borrowed money from him. They're not even friends its just someone he casually knows.
I received a message from some man saying my OH had to stop avoiding him which has scared me because most of the rime I'm at home just with my 13 year old son.
I'm done with it all I want out. We've been married for 16 years but he is 8 years my junior and he admitted to my daughter how he feels like he's missed out on so much by marrying quite young. He claims he still feels like a young man, he's 38, and feels as though I'm passed the intimacy side of things. I am going thru early menopause so have no interest in sex but let's be honest why would I want to share a bed with a liar who contributes nothing to my home and finances.
Kinda the nail in the coffin for me so I made my mind up I want to end it. I work so hard to give us a nice home while he squanders and contributes nothing because he's clearly paying off people.
2 problems I have. I have paid for 2 weeks holiday with him and my son in 3 weeks. I'd happy go without him but feel guilt for doing this even tho he hasn't contributed a penny, in fact he owes me savings because I've had to loan him money to get by...he claims his work haven't paid him. Clearly they have he's just having to pay people.
Also I don't know if he has anywhere to go. He has a small family who he doesn't really have envolvemet with and maybe one friend I know of. So I don't want to tell him to leave incase he has no where. But why am I making this my problem? I'm overwhelmed with how much he has lied to me I feel utterly betrayed.
My son rarely sees him and when he does there's no interaction so I think he would be ok. It's very much for me so I'd help him through it.
Sorry this is garbled. Its 8am and I've not slept all night. I just need some advice on where to go with this. This is my home I pay the rent and utilities so I would not be leaving. But how do I'd get rid of the guilt of telling him its over and asking him to leave when I don't know where he'd go.
I thought about speaking to his dad to see if he could stay there but unsure if that my place to do so. I'm exhausted and I just want to live the rest of my life without looking over my shoulder or waiting for the next thing to go wrong.

OP posts:
SparkyIce · 17/07/2022 09:38

Correction: I see you are married. But doesn’t change a thing in terms of getting shot of him.

KindleBlanketsandmugoftea · 17/07/2022 09:39

OP please look up "enabling and detaching with love" you say you are a people pleaser - what you don't realise is that freeing yourself from him is actually doing him a kindness. The longer you save him (holidays, free place to live, free food etc) the longer he can get away with blowing his wages on drugs. Cut yourself free - for yourself and your children.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 17/07/2022 09:42

WeAreBob · 17/07/2022 09:17

I understand all the advice being given because of the emotional side but you cant follow it.

You cannot change the locks. It isn't legal. You cant even kick him out. You're married. That is his home too. It is a marital asset. Dont do anything which is going to come back on you during the divorce. You cannot kick someone out of their home and change the locks without repercussions, because that is legally his home too.

You need to find a way to do it so he leaves willingly. Once he is out and living somewhere else then you can maybe have the locks changed but you cannot simply kick him out or change the locks while he pops to the shops or something.

You might have paid for the house but it isn't yours. It is a marital asset and he will get some sort of payout from the marital assets. It won't be anything crazy like 50/50 hopefully because you'll be the one the child lives with, but he is going to get money from you/the house.

It says in the OP that the house is rented. He won't get any sort of payment out of it.

Footle · 17/07/2022 10:11

Won't he just come back to the house while you're away?

LaughingCat · 17/07/2022 10:16

This is truly heartbreaking.

First off, talk to him today, like you said you would, but be very clear before you start the conversation what you want to get out of it - what your base line of expectation is. Otherwise he will keep inching for more and more until you are stuck well below what you wanted.

For example - do you want him to move out today. Are you happy for him to stay and find somewhere to move out until the holiday? Next month? Work out what you want and stick to it (so if you tell him you want him to move out today but are actually happy to give him a couple of weeks to find somewhere, then you can negotiate to that point). But set that time limit and stick to it. You have the right to assert a clear boundary.

Once you have come to an agreement, speak to the landlord/landlord’s partner and agree that date for him to come off the tenancy. Then make sure that you are solely named on the bills from that specific point (25% single person council tax discount and all that). Not before then, so he is equally liable (though that means shit if he has no money and you are named as well at the moment - it’s just a procedural thing). Get a good divorce solicitor.

The emotional ties and guilt, that feeling of responsibility is wretched. I fully understand that (people pleaser here too raises hand). Look into what help he can get on the NHS for his drug dependency and support him to seek help if you want but don’t let that get in the way of these arrangements. Don’t let him use that support to wheedle his way in again.

If you can, try and talk to your son with his dad (if your husband isn’t being unreasonable), so that he knows that things are going to change but that you both still love him etc.

Then STICK TO THOSE BOUNDARIES YOU SET. (Sorry for the shouty caps). You have the right to have your emotional needs met. You have the right not to be lied to, cheated or used. There will be many times that he will probably accuse you of being unfair but you have the right not to be with someone you don’t trust. His issues are not yours anymore. He will find somewhere to stay and hopefully, start building something of his life again, if you stick to your boundaries, but you aren’t responsible for making sure he does.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this - it’s a horrible situation that won’t get better unless you start making steps to make it so. All the hugs.

Moretodo · 17/07/2022 10:51

Don't try and sort out appointments for him.
He knows where the GP is.
He knows how to help himself.
If he doesn't get better he may blame you
he may accuse you of controlling him

Let go of him, take hold of yourself and don't let go!

Threetulips · 17/07/2022 11:13

Why not ask your sons friend to come along? Doesn’t cost much to change the name on the flight tickets. They’ll play in the pool and he’ll have a blast.

HazelBite · 17/07/2022 11:47

I would worry that he will break into the house while you are on holiday!. Definitely get in touch with the Landlord as an urgent priority.
I can tell you (from experience) that once you are ride it will be like a huge burden has lifted from your shoulders.
Has your Ds got a mate that could come on holiday with you?

Spanielmom · 17/07/2022 11:52

Thank you all so much. I didn't expect so many replies and such support from strangers.
I just had to speak to my son because he heard a conversation I had with my daughter late last night. Tbh he took it in his stride because as I mentioned he doesn't have much interaction with his dad. He's an incredibly kind caring young human and he hugged me and said "mam we'll be good" (crying as I type this)
I've spoken to my DD this morning via text and she has said I seem to have made ny decision.
Now have to wait for him to get himself out of bed 🙄 to have the discussion. Rip off the plaster as they say.
I know I'm not alone. I have my wonderful kids to support me.
I will heed the advice given and on Tuesday when I have a day off start putting things in place re bills etc and see how it goes.
He needs to know tho this isn't a temporary thing. I feel once he goes a weight will be lifted and I can get on with being a Single mam. As someone said I may be doing him a favour too. I'm constantly nagging him for money which he should be giving. Now he can do what he wants.
He owes me £400 from my holiday savings which I won't see now I'm going to tell him to keep it to sort himself or his debts out.
I just hope he's as calm about it as he was when he was stood packing his things yesterday

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 17/07/2022 11:53

You say you're done but you need to get to the point you are actually done.

Where you don't wonder if you ought to bring him on holiday.
Where you don't worry if you're being fair to him.
Where you don't worry where he will go.
Where you don't worry what might happen to him.

That is what 'done' looks like.

Spanielmom · 17/07/2022 11:55

I will speak to the landlord about the locks. I'm quite self sufficient I could actually do it myself.
As for the holiday my son doesn't really have that one friend who he would want to take. We've discussed this for previous holidays, he said he doesn't want to have to worry about someone else he's quite a quiet soul. I'm sure we can make some great memories just the 2 of us

OP posts:
Spanielmom · 17/07/2022 12:00

IncompleteSenten · 17/07/2022 11:53

You say you're done but you need to get to the point you are actually done.

Where you don't wonder if you ought to bring him on holiday.
Where you don't worry if you're being fair to him.
Where you don't worry where he will go.
Where you don't worry what might happen to him.

That is what 'done' looks like.

I get you. I just always feel like I have this responsibility to look after people. I'm like my mam in that respect , but the more I've thought about it today and spoken to my daughter the more convinced I'm making the right decision.
Surely I wouldn't be human if I didn't care what happens afterwards. We've been together such a long time

OP posts:
Steelesauce · 17/07/2022 12:14

I've been there. Cut him off and cut him out. He is not your problem anymore. Make sure you get your single persons council tax rate, I had to use that letter a lot to prove my ex didn't live with me to bailiffs. Dont offer support to him, no drug support or anything. They use it to weedle themselves back in then lie bare faced about getting help. You are better off without him and the sooner he's gone, the better.

catandcoffee · 17/07/2022 12:25

OP sending you good wishes and strength.

Minikievs · 17/07/2022 12:36

Just a note about the holiday-I was in a similar position re having booked a holiday when things got really bad with my (awful horrible abusive gambling) ExDH. We went on the holiday anyway.
It was horrific. He got shitfaced every night, held a knife to my throat, left me to deal with one DC under 1 and 1 4 yo DC all day every day while he festered in the room.
I left him two months later. The holiday wasn't worth it.
Take your son, leave your H at home. He doesn't respect you, a holiday won't change that and do you really want your son seeing the atmosphere between you both?

Spanielmom · 17/07/2022 12:49

Minikievs I think you're right. It's just prolonging it really. My son seems okay with the prospect of just us two going and it would give me time to help him understand what's happening x

OP posts:
SpaceGoatFarm · 17/07/2022 13:36

You need him out, hes putting you and the family in danger. Who cares where he goes, he wasnt thinking of that when he was pissing away non existent family money on drugs.

Hawkins001 · 17/07/2022 16:35

All the best op, looks like at the moment the relationship is sinking.

Xpologog · 17/07/2022 16:41

“I suppose I've always been a people pleaser.”
Suggest you stop that now, he’s behaved abysmally. Kick him out, go on holiday with your son. You own this man nothing.
Please warn your daughter, it sounds like he’s manipulative and he may well move on to her —- look what your mum has done, I’ve got nothing, poor me, boo hoo…and can you just lend me £xxx…..

Spanielmom · 17/07/2022 16:44

Xpologog · 17/07/2022 16:41

“I suppose I've always been a people pleaser.”
Suggest you stop that now, he’s behaved abysmally. Kick him out, go on holiday with your son. You own this man nothing.
Please warn your daughter, it sounds like he’s manipulative and he may well move on to her —- look what your mum has done, I’ve got nothing, poor me, boo hoo…and can you just lend me £xxx…..

Shes been in a relationship with a narcissist herself so she knows the signs. She's actually training to be a counsellor so she has spoken to him but she sees through him completely so I have no worries about that

OP posts:
Spanielmom · 17/07/2022 16:46

So he's gone. He's staying with his dad till he sorts things out.
I told him I couldn't put me and our son in this position any longer and he asked if I wanted him to leave.
It took all my courage but I said yes. He went up packed and has just left.
I have no idea how I feel. Relieved, a little. Sad , very. We've been together such a long time.
I know I've done the right thing i just need now to try to be strong and move on. I've a feeling given a few days he'll try to convince me to try again but I don't think my mental health could take it

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 17/07/2022 16:48

I stopped reading halfway through your post as it's abundantly obvious you need to show this awful reckless waster the door.You definitely deserve better.Wishing you the best of luck.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 17/07/2022 17:02

Well done, now is the time to change the locks. And make sure you as if he gets really desperate he may start letting himself in looking for things to sell, or even decide to move back in without telling you. His father may throw him out and then what will he do, make it your problem would be my guess. So the sooner you apply for the divorce the better as that draws a line under your obligations to him. And you are obligated if you are married, officially you are just as responsible for his debts as he is. So get the divorce done asap, there may be no assets to split, but there are debts, which are increasing by the day.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 17/07/2022 17:03

Just sending support.

You've done the right thing. He's clearly an addict and needs to seek help himself. I was in this position 5 years ago and my ex's addictions got worse after we seperated and I'm so glad I didn't subject my son to living through it.

It's heartbreaking but you can't save him, you can save your children though xx

mathanxiety · 17/07/2022 17:51

Well done.

Now you need to ask the landlord to get him off the lease and to change the locks asap. Offer to cover the cost of the new locks and keys.

You don't want to get back from your holiday and find he's returned.

Stay strong and don't fall for any attempts by him to get back into your life. You can expect anything from flowers to tears to threats of suicide. If he threatens suicide call police.

Swipe left for the next trending thread