Step Sister seemingly not coping with baby or doesn't realise what's expected?

[Checkonetwo]

My step sister had a baby 4 months ago after wanting one for a very long time. She is 38.
Her partner did not want a baby and so she left him, only for him to change his mind so they got back together and she fell pregnant immediately.
Since the baby has been born, she keeps going out without him and my step mother is looking after him most days despite my step sister (SS) being on maternity leave. She also goes out atleast 3 evenings a week to have drinks with friends, leaving him with her partner. This has been happening since 2 weeks after his birth.

My Dad is exhausted as the baby is at their house everyday, including the odd overnight. But he won't say anything. He has a few health issues and needs some rest- he's 71. My step mother won't say no to her although she's exhausted too. They take care of my children twice a week after school so that I can work which I'm extremely grateful for (I'm a single mum) but I can see they're tired out and I feel guilty when I know they've had the baby all week. They say it's fine for them to look after my children for a few hours twice a week though and I don't expect them to provide a hot meal, they have sandwiches on these evenings.

However, they only have so much energy and my step sister is seemingly happy to zap it all from them. I have asked her if she's ok- thinking she must have PND but she keeps talking about how much she loves maternity leave. I think she's being honest- I think she's enjoying using the time for going out and having fun. Although, her partner doesn't seem very happy since the baby came along- I don't know if it's because she keeps leaving him with him in the evenings often when he's been to work. He did mention that when he gets home from work she's hardly ever in so I know he's getting home and cooking an evening meal for them for when she returns with the baby.

I'm a little shocked at the way she's behaving throughout maternity leave as she really, really wanted this baby. She's acting like she's enjoying her baby when I see her, but tbh, i think she's bored. She's always needed a lot of attention from her mother also. I'm concerned for my Dad overall, who has directly told me that he's exhausted by my step sister constantly being there/the baby being there. I've suggested he say something to her but he then shrugs it off and says it's fine.

I know it's not fine though- do I say something?

The problem is if you say something and she asks your dad and stepmum and they say it’s fine then it won’t change anything and she’ll just fall out with you. It’s really up to them to say something so as much as it’s hard to DSD their exhausted i wouldn’t and perhaps offer to your Dad to come to yours for a rest

Meant see them exhausted

Agree with pp, I think that all you can do is support your parents. I wouldn't say anything to step sister as you'll end up the bad guy. It's up to your parents to say something if it's affecting them that much.

I don't think there is anything wrong with her partner looking after his own baby or cooking dinner for them a few evenings a week.

If your Dad and Step Mum are struggling then they really need to say something. They probably feel they want to help her in the same way they help you, she's just asking them more often.

Is she going to return to work? Who will care for the baby if she does?

The people to say something are your parents and her partner.

Keep your mouth shut unless she directly asks you something.

Maybe drop the times they look after your kids to once a week? Older kids are hard work too especially with a school pick up in the mix. I am guessing the step daughter is your step mums daughter? If so she may genuinely be happy looking after the baby as her biological grandchild? She may wish to reduce the school run days to once only. I think I would suggest that in her shoes.

Yes I can see why me saying something wouldn't be a good idea. I'm worried about the upcoming holidays when I'm still working and they've offered to have my children for 2 full days for 2 weeks.

I've managed to put them in holiday club a little but can't afford anymore so I do need their help. But I feel guilty and worried that they won't cope from an energy point of view. My 5 year old is constantly excited and full of beans. I also worry how alert they are at times when they're clearly so tired from having the baby. Also, I've no doubt that they'll have all 3 of them at once which i just think will be too much.

I know I run the risk of being flamed over the childcare situation with my own kids. It's just how it is during the holidays for me as logistically, I can't afford to do much more. Their Dad has booked 2 weeks off and so have I.

I know it's not my place to say something to my SS though. My Dad and SM just need better boundaries I guess. It's irritates me that SS will so gladly take advantage.

You can mention your parents finding it hard if they keep lying to her about it being OK. I supposed you could do it from a siblings view- as in contact her an say that between both of you needing their support, you might both be over working them and so let's have a chat about how to manage that.

I see no issue with her partner regularly looking after his own kid though.

Where is she going all day everyday?! Unfortunately, I think this is between her and your step mum/your dad - I think it's unlikely that you saying anything will help and it will almost certainly turn acrimonious, especially as they also provide childcare for you (even if a smaller and more reasonable amount). The stuff between her and her partner is definitely none of your business and is irrelevant - I didn't do it when my babies were tiny but I don't see what's wrong with leaving the baby with his dad, and it's between them if he thinks it's too much.

I think the most you go do is innocently ask questions - have you shared your concerns with your stepmum and asked your stepmum if she is worried about PND/that there's an issue with bonding? The answer might be revealing. Similarly if your stepsister says she's loving mat leave you could ask if she's doing any classes/joined any groups/made any mum friends, if you really feel that she doesn't know that what she's doing isn't typical. But I think that's the most you can do, open conversations in a way that leaves them open to talk more about the issues if they want - you can't force it and you definitely can't tell anyone involved what to do.

But you are taking advantage too and your ss may think exactly the same. Two primary aged full of beans kids are harder work and more energy sapping than one baby.
I don’t think either of you should be putting your parent/ step parent in this position of having to choose or help you both equally. One day a week each max is fair and gives parents a rest . They seem to be full time childminders between the two of you. No wonder they are exhausted.

do you have a good relationship with your step sister ?

If so I think I would offer to look after the baby on one of the weeks you’ve got off in the summer.

that would give your parents a break for a week, and give you a chance to open a few conversations which would let you see what’s going on

@Hardbackwriter Thank you- I think subtle questions may be the way forward as you suggest. Step mum is in denial that her behaviour isn't typical but I can see deep down that she's a bit stumped. She makes lots of excuses for her. SS is going shopping a lot of the time and saying that she needs a nap but her partner recently told me (jokingly, not jokingly) that she's using the time to watch netflix.

She goes to one or two baby groups with one friend, but my Dad or SS have been taking her as her partner has the car for work. They have to take her somewhere in the car most days.

I agree that it's fine for her partner to take care of his own baby- mine certainly did! I was just clarifying how often she's not at home. I am perhaps a little traditional in some respects too as I was usually home by the time my exH got home from work so that he could spend time with us all. It usually meant that I'd begun cooking dinner, but he also cooked 3 nights out of 7.

My stepmum keeps saying how wonderful it is that she's not "one of these precious mothers" but tbh, it comes across that she's trying to convince herself of that more than anything. Dad keeps rolling his eyes but says nothing!

Sounds like you are just concerned about any threat to your own childcare arrangement. I wouldn't say anything, doesn't seem to me that it is any of your business.

The fact that she is always watching Netflix when she suppose to be sleeping indicates that she may have PND, anxiety or other issues.

If you are worried that your SS isn't coping because of this then mention that and that alone to your parents and her partner. Do not mention the fact that they are doing childcare and driving her around. Otherwise it sounds like a PP said you are worried about losing your own childcare.

Why in threads like these, as soon as some posters read that you get help with childcare do they turn hostile?

I don't get it. Everyone I know gets help with childcare. It's always been quite normal for grandparents to play an active role in their grandchildrens lives.

Some grandparents genuinely want to help care for their grandchildren and that is absolutely fine, it's just not fine when they're taken advantage of and it's all the time. And I would never do it a couple of times a week should they not suggest it to me.

I can already see where this thread is going now that the vultures have swooped in and it won't matter what I say.

@Checkonetwo that's just your bubble.

I've already asked that @RedWingBoots. Her partner said that he didn't think she
had PND. I don't know how emotionally supportive he is though.

My Dad said "she just can't seem to do anything by herself, she's always been the same."

And people fall over themselves to make excuses for people.
She may have PND, or it may be a bullshit excuse and she's just a crappy mother, but it's not normal for a woman with a 4 month old to be out 'most days' and 3 nights a week drinking leaving their baby, it's just not. The situations are not comparable with the OP's existing childcare arrangement.

My "bubble" @RedWingBoots of colleagues, friends, other family members, my children's school teachers, other parents on the school playground who share pickups with their own parents... the list goes on.
Hardly a bubble.

@Mookie81 I'm so glad you came! I'm losing the will here!

OP do you get on with your SS?

If you do as another PP suggested get her round when you are on holiday with your children, and say you are worried about her e.g. going shopping a lot, not sleeping.

I think you are being a bit hypocritical. Babies are much less work than 5 year olds. You've said yourself that your concern is they'll be too tired to look after your kids properly. If you are that concerned I think you should look into alternative arrangements for your kids. Presumably you've benefited from years of childcare and now your SS is doing the same you don't like it. Not "flaming" you bu the way, I've tried to be respectful but im surprised you can't see the double standard you are applying.

It is your "bubble" because mine differs.

Regardless the OP has pointed out more concerning things.

Looking after a baby daily, including some overnights, clearly isn't easier than looking after two primary school children for a few hours twice a week, what are people on about?!

@florianfortescue it's hardly double standards. The baby is 4 months old and requires constant care, undivided attention and night feeds. My children do not stay overnight and don't impact on their sleep. The baby does.

Also, 8 hours over a week long period differs highly to full days and nights, every day- of atleast 8 hours each time.

It also can not be comparable given that, my dad has said outright that he's exhausted by them having the baby. Specifically. This is what he said to me. I asked him if I needed to work some alternative arrangements for my children and he said "no, they'll just sit and watch TV wit their sandwiches if needs be"

My Dad has said this himself. Unless you posters have more insight into what exhausts my dad than he does?