Step Sister seemingly not coping with baby or doesn't realise what's expected?

[Checkonetwo]

My step sister had a baby 4 months ago after wanting one for a very long time. She is 38.
Her partner did not want a baby and so she left him, only for him to change his mind so they got back together and she fell pregnant immediately.
Since the baby has been born, she keeps going out without him and my step mother is looking after him most days despite my step sister (SS) being on maternity leave. She also goes out atleast 3 evenings a week to have drinks with friends, leaving him with her partner. This has been happening since 2 weeks after his birth.

My Dad is exhausted as the baby is at their house everyday, including the odd overnight. But he won't say anything. He has a few health issues and needs some rest- he's 71. My step mother won't say no to her although she's exhausted too. They take care of my children twice a week after school so that I can work which I'm extremely grateful for (I'm a single mum) but I can see they're tired out and I feel guilty when I know they've had the baby all week. They say it's fine for them to look after my children for a few hours twice a week though and I don't expect them to provide a hot meal, they have sandwiches on these evenings.

However, they only have so much energy and my step sister is seemingly happy to zap it all from them. I have asked her if she's ok- thinking she must have PND but she keeps talking about how much she loves maternity leave. I think she's being honest- I think she's enjoying using the time for going out and having fun. Although, her partner doesn't seem very happy since the baby came along- I don't know if it's because she keeps leaving him with him in the evenings often when he's been to work. He did mention that when he gets home from work she's hardly ever in so I know he's getting home and cooking an evening meal for them for when she returns with the baby.

I'm a little shocked at the way she's behaving throughout maternity leave as she really, really wanted this baby. She's acting like she's enjoying her baby when I see her, but tbh, i think she's bored. She's always needed a lot of attention from her mother also. I'm concerned for my Dad overall, who has directly told me that he's exhausted by my step sister constantly being there/the baby being there. I've suggested he say something to her but he then shrugs it off and says it's fine.

I know it's not fine though- do I say something?

Hmmm. I totally see where you are coming from and that this isn’t about your childcare.

I’d be inclined to speak to your dad and SS mum as a couple and say you’ve noticed how tired they are and is all the childcare too much? Then you can discuss what they can reasonably achieve and if they are worried about the summer holidays, you can help them work out what they can reasonably manage and help them set some boundaries?

@Hardbackwriter it's because it gets bitter as soon as anyone posts about getting free childcare on here. It's bizarre. Particularly given that I'm a single mum.

I agree with @TolkiensFallow . This is not right and needs addressing but should come from your parents

I get free childcare - mostly in the form of baby sitting - but not from older people. That's why I said it is your bubble.

I think the problem is that her leaving the baby with your DSM and DF is making you feel guilty about leaving yours with them too.

Before her baby, you probably felt comfortable that you weren't asking too much of them, but now you can see that it is too much for them, hence the guilt.

But the problem is, that she is no less entitles than you to ask for help from them, and they are the only ones who can say no. And they can't very well say no to her if they are looking after yours.

You know that the solution would be to not have them look after yours, really. But of course you can't afford that.

So this is all coming from a place of guilt really, and annoyance at your step sister for making you feel guilty.

Really, the only thing you could do would be to stop asking them to look after your children. If you can't do that I think you probably just have to put up with the guilt.

I’d probably try to have a discussion with your SS saying you’re worried about the impact on parents when they have your children and the baby to look after. Say you’re worried they are tired but would never say anything but you have no choice but to use them for childcare. If she’s decent she might scale back her own babysitting requests. If not she might just not give a shit and there’s not much you can do if they keep saying yes to her.

You are coming over a little entitled. Perhaps people aren't jealous you get free childcare but just think you are both putting undue pressure on your elderly parents and running them into the ground. Maybe both of you need to look at alternative arrangements so they can get on with enjoying their retirement. Obviously they aren't going to say anything so take the lead and ask a friend or other relative to childmind instead so they at least get some time to themselves. They've already raised children, give them a break. You already know it's exhausting your parents and effecting their health, If it goes on like this much longer you might find neither of you get free childcare so start looking for your own alternatives and let your sister sort her own life out.

Perhaps the reality of having a baby is so different to the image your ss had in her head, perhaps she’s thinking that this is how you behave and that the grandparents love having the baby so she’s doing them a favour. I think your dad and stepmum need to start saying that they can’t have the baby every day. Perhaps one day a week, but she’s welcome to visit with the baby on other days. If this isn’t nipped in the bud now you may find that they become too tired to look after your dc and that will affect the relationship that your dc have with their grandparents.
Your dc will also start to notice that their dgp are tired because of the baby and resentment will build there (my dc haven’t seen their dgp for years because of the way they are with their other dgc). This could always be a way to broach the subject with them.
(No judgement here re childcare - it’s what millions of families do!)

@Checkonetwo I think you're getting a hard time, looking after school kids so a parent can work is a lot different to having a baby whose mother is on maternity leave.

And it's not just your bubble, my dps and inlaws habe always been amazing with childcare, mainly so I can work but my dps are having my dc for 4 nights so I can go away with my dsis as xh is working.

But, I don't think you can say anything. During the holidays you could arrange to do things with ss and baby to give dps a break perhaps?

Op I don't think it's normal for a new mum to be out 3 nights a week.
It makes me think she's either not bonded to the baby or has PND. Something just isn't right.

But I don't think it's your place to say anything. At best all you can do is to say to your DDad to come to your house if he needs a sleep or it's too much. Or encourage them to speak up that the over nights are too much.

I'm sure it will change again once SS returns to work. But you DDad and SMum need to speak up now about how much childcare they are willing to offer. And not get roped into full-time childcare.

If she’s always been wetter than an otters pocket motherhood will just be another thing she needs help with though. People like this don’t suddenly change for the better.

It also can not be comparable given that, my dad has said outright that he's exhausted by them having the baby. Specifically

You get a lot of help with childcare. So it’s hard for you to frame your concerns over your stepsister also getting free childcare as purely “concern for your parents”. They are doing a huge amount for you already. And you’re quoting your dad talking to you, his DD. Maybe your SM is saying something different to her own DD; how do you know that she isn’t telling your SS that the baby is fine but it’s the older kids who exhaust her? These sort of things are always tricky within families, but doubly so when in a blended family.

if you honestly think they’re doing too much, then all you can do is make other arrangements for your own kids. If you don’t want to do that, then you’re not in a position to complain about what they do for others.

It’s your parents who need to set their boundaries on how much childcare they want to do and be form with them. It sounds like between you and SS they are being run ragged and they need to set boundaries with how much they are willing and able to help you both.

Has this tendency to post just to pick at the OP spilled over from AIBU? That's a shame.

to play devils advocate - your step sisters mum is helping with her baby and you are upset because that means they are too tired for your childcare.

that is how this will look. Be careful coming between a mother daughter relationship.

also, you do seem a little sexist (which is what traditional is code for). Why is it your business if your step sister doesn’t have dinner on the table for her partner?

ther sis nothing wrong with grandparents helping with childcare - but now that there is a new grandchild the arrangement may have to be adjusted.

are there other grandparents who can also help?

"If this isn’t nipped in the bud now you may find that they become too tired to look after your dc and that will affect the relationship that your dc have with their grandparents."

I worry about exactly this @FlamingoQueen they don't have this endless energy pot.

It's frustrating for my Dad as he wants to enjoy all of them but I don't think he can when it's this much.

Like I said he has specifically said that he's exhausted from having the baby. He's teething at the moment also so crying a lot. He sounds totally fed up.

My SS definitely has it in her head that because they love their grandchildren they would want to see them all the time. My ex husband said he keeps seeing my step mum walking the baby on his way home from work and made a joke about it when he bumped into SS in the supermarket. She apparently said she hands him over because "they love it." I'm not sure she realises that they don't love it day and night, every single day. But agreed, they need to tell her.

I think the "she can't do anything by herself comment" perhaps hits the nail on the head.

Is it a confidence thing do you think? Can she actually manage a full day on her own with the baby or is she making sure she has other things on so she never has to.

I agree this isn't normal. Everyone knows it, they are just avoiding it. I wonder what your step mother was like when her daughter was a baby. We have a situation a bit like this in our wider family and the now grandmother had PND (not recognised in those days) and her mum and sister did most of the early caring. She has the grandkids an insane amount (especially as mum doesn't work so they are at school then straight to granny's til about 9). I think it's compensating and normalising her own experience.
Your step sister is taking the piss but there could be other factors or family dynamics at play that you don't know about.

I'd invite her along to something when you are off with your kids. Picnic day at the park or something similarly unstructured and observe a bit to see if she is coping. Then you know if it's a support issue or if she is just enjoying a rather easy life

Even if OP asked for no help at all, her parents would still be knackered from doing full time childcare for a baby! They are too old to be doing that kind of care regularly - it's not at all comparable to having a a couple of school age children for a few hours twice a week.

The other thing is that OP needs some help so that she can work. She's doing her absolute best to minimise what she asks of them. She isn't dumping her babies on her elderly parents so she can go out or watch Netflix at home, uninterrupted! Honestly MN drives me batshit sometimes. Go on any thread about sahm and posters will pile on to tell them they are making themselves vulnerable, couldn't be dependent on a man blah blah blah, but here there is a single mum doing her absolute best to keep working, who just needs a bit of family back up and still posters put the boot in! OP you aren't doing anything wrong!

What your SS is going is not normal. I don't think her partner should be coming home from work and being alone several nights a week with the baby while she goes out. The baby is 4 months old - if she's doing that and getting her parents to mind the baby lots, then when is she looking after her own child?

OP I think I would talk to stepmum and dad and raise the possibility that she has undiagnosed pnd, because despite the excuses made on here this behaviour isn't usual or fair and if posters were being honest, they'd acknowledge this.

Amongst my friends free childcare was the exception - we had no handy family to help with the load. It is your bubble, just as my experience was mine.

You come across as mainly concerned about your own free childcare. Your five year old is "full of beans" but apparently a four month old who will sleep at some points and isn't mobile is more work than two active youngsters.

If you are lucky enough to have nearby family who help out then presumably you have been receiving this help for several years already? Maybe this is what SS has seen and assumes its her turn.

Maybe she is struggling to cope on her own and her partner's breezy dismissal of PND (he is qualified is he?) is part of the problem of a partner not pulling his wait. (where is he when she goes out that your parents are having the baby overnight). Maybe motherhood is not what she expected. The only way you will find out is to spend time with her.

I might have missed something. Why are your/her parents picking up so much of the overnight childcare when she has a partner? No, I also don't think it's 'normal' to leave your 4 month old baby 3 nights a week to go out drinking.

This is a good suggestion:

I'd invite her along to something when you are off with your kids. Picnic day at the park or something similarly unstructured and observe a bit to see if she is coping.

Babies are lovely but exhausting, especially when teething and especially for people in their 70s who have a little less energy than they used to. A couple of hours with grandparents is plenty unless they are really keen! Also her not bonding with her baby May be an issue.

I don't care what anyone says, I think most babies will benefit from being with their mothers as much as possible at that age. 🤷‍♀️

I would say something to her "are you okay ss? Just noticed your leaving little xxxx with step mum and dad a lot to go drinking, I don't want to be rude but I'm just a bit concerned."

Completely agree with you.

I think the big issue here is you're getting the story from your dad and not your step mom. She might be thrilled, is this her first grandchild?