Step Sister seemingly not coping with baby or doesn't realise what's expected?

[Checkonetwo]

My step sister had a baby 4 months ago after wanting one for a very long time. She is 38.
Her partner did not want a baby and so she left him, only for him to change his mind so they got back together and she fell pregnant immediately.
Since the baby has been born, she keeps going out without him and my step mother is looking after him most days despite my step sister (SS) being on maternity leave. She also goes out atleast 3 evenings a week to have drinks with friends, leaving him with her partner. This has been happening since 2 weeks after his birth.

My Dad is exhausted as the baby is at their house everyday, including the odd overnight. But he won't say anything. He has a few health issues and needs some rest- he's 71. My step mother won't say no to her although she's exhausted too. They take care of my children twice a week after school so that I can work which I'm extremely grateful for (I'm a single mum) but I can see they're tired out and I feel guilty when I know they've had the baby all week. They say it's fine for them to look after my children for a few hours twice a week though and I don't expect them to provide a hot meal, they have sandwiches on these evenings.

However, they only have so much energy and my step sister is seemingly happy to zap it all from them. I have asked her if she's ok- thinking she must have PND but she keeps talking about how much she loves maternity leave. I think she's being honest- I think she's enjoying using the time for going out and having fun. Although, her partner doesn't seem very happy since the baby came along- I don't know if it's because she keeps leaving him with him in the evenings often when he's been to work. He did mention that when he gets home from work she's hardly ever in so I know he's getting home and cooking an evening meal for them for when she returns with the baby.

I'm a little shocked at the way she's behaving throughout maternity leave as she really, really wanted this baby. She's acting like she's enjoying her baby when I see her, but tbh, i think she's bored. She's always needed a lot of attention from her mother also. I'm concerned for my Dad overall, who has directly told me that he's exhausted by my step sister constantly being there/the baby being there. I've suggested he say something to her but he then shrugs it off and says it's fine.

I know it's not fine though- do I say something?

Your both as bad as each other a 5 year old is full on! You don't say how old the other child is. The only people I feel sorry for is your dad and sm. You both need to stop taking advantage. If your single you get help towards childcare costs.

@Checkonetwo ‘hi stepsis, ex h says he bumped into you the other day and you said ‘parents love having them’ - think you need to check in because Dad told me he’s finding it exhausting. Maybe they feel unable to mention it’
SS: they look after your kids though?
OP: well yes, but that’s because I have to go to work, not go out/watch Netflix and it has never been overnight while teething’

obviously more subtly phrased than what I put but you get my gist. You could both talk to parents together so it’s in the open? Might be uncomfortable but if parents still say it’s fine well … 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don’t worry about it OP. This is the place where you’re not meant to get help from grandparents for childcare (even though yea, this is normal for lots of families). You are meant to be down on your knees grovelling with gratitude 🤣

It's not fair of your Dad to moan to you if he's not prepared to do anything about it. It doesn't sound like your Step Mum is having as much of an issue with it. Maybe your Dad needs to find a hobby or something to do out of the house while your step mum has the baby.

PIL did this with BIL and his wife when they lived abroad they'd come to stay for 8 weeks in the summer and swan around like a childfree couple while PIL were up doing night feeds etc.
PIL would come to ours and whinge but never say anything to BIL so I found it hard to have any sympathy tbh.

OP My mum had my sisters 2 kids for 3 days & offered to have mine for 2 days when I went back to work. Lots of discussion about how she couldn't wait & was looking forward to it & wouldn't have 'strangers' looking after mine (nursery) & it would be fine.

I was nervous as this only left her 2 child free days. My sister agreed that she'd stop asking mum to have hers for 'extras' so that it would definitely not go over the 5 days, & that we would keep the days separate so she never had all 3 at once (on my insistence)

Then my sis started dropping hers round on any of the 5 days, sometimes ALL 5 days. Mum was exhausted. She wasn't enjoying it, she was really unhappy & said 'All I ever so is look after kids'.

I tried to talk to sis but she was of the thinking that 'Now mum has got used to having yours, she might as well have all of them at once'. And refused to budge on her thinking.

One day I went to collect mine after work & sis had all 3 of them on the lawn outside (She said to me in a really nasty voice, & Loud so that mum would hear through the window 'I don't know what mums stressing about all the time. It's not hard') & my mum was really upset inside saying it was too hard for her but she felt so guilty letting either of us down.

I enrolled mine in nursery ASAP as, much as I was annoyed with my sis, my mum's welfare was more important. Mum was furious with me for 'Leaving mine with strangers' but I refused to budge. It was hard finding the money etc but my mum was more important.

Mum was much less stressed, calmer, happier when she did she us, sis continued (taking the piss) but I had a clear conscience that I'd done all I could to lighten the load.

OP. I know you don't want to do the same but it's something to think about.

If she's with the baby all day, why can't her partner have the baby in the evenings for her to do as she pleases. I don't see what's wrong with her partner cooking a few dinners and looking after his child.

Lots of men do that on a regular basis and no one bats an eyelid.

“She may have PND, or it may be a bullshit excuse and she's just a crappy mother, but it's not normal for a woman with a 4 month old to be out 'most days' and 3 nights a week drinking leaving their baby, it's just not. The situations are not comparable with the OP's existing childcare arrangement.”

This with bells on.

OP - whatever your childcare arrangement - you’re right that your SS’s behaviour is not at all what you would expect from any new parent.

It sounds like a silly point but so many shows (eg Friends) portray parenthood as barely a blip on the landscape of your social life rather than the all-encompassing, all-absorbing experience it actually is. I think your SS may have fallen for that.

Your SS is acting as if she’s acquired a pet which needs fairly minimal attention, not just had a baby. This must be very hard to witness but I do think your parents need to be the ones to raise it with her and to it soon. The avoidance may be about PND. Your SS may think the baby is better off being cared for by others. But this will lead to problems with the parent-child bond if not sorted pretty soon. Long-term your parents aren’t helping her or her baby by allowing her to absent herself from parenting so much of the time. And her partner must feel he’s been completely shafted.

Firstly I definitely don't think you are taking advantage or doing anything wrong as a few other ridiculous comments have suggested, ignore them.
Secondly I think what your ss is doing is really really out of the ordinary, if she is genuinely fine and thinks she's behaving reasonably then I would suggest that she's just a piss taking chancer BUT I would say her behaviour is incredibly indicative of PND or PNA maybe mixed with a major case of struggling to adapt to the change.
I agree that it is completely normal for dad to do his share of parenting and i would never judge mother for taking time to herself away from her baby but this sounds like she is almost actively avoiding spending time alone with her baby as much as possible which is not normal.

I personally would sit down with her and have a frank discussion, it's easy enough for people to say it's none of your business but at the end of the day, maternal mental health problems left unchecked can have devastating consequences for everyone involved, and her poor baby and her at the very least deserve better than that.

@Checkonetwo where is she going in the day that she can't /won't take a baby to ?

@Dery "Your SS may think the baby is better off being cared for by others. But this will lead to problems with the parent-child bond if not sorted pretty soon. Long-term your parents aren’t helping her or her baby by allowing her to absent herself from parenting so much of the time"

I agree with all of this. I do think she believes the baby is better off being cared by others which does suggest some post-natal anxiety doesn't it. I've asked SS about her mental health but she's adamant that she's ok and turns it all on me being a single mum and asks me if I'm OK.

Her mum has always been a bit disabling and sorted her affairs for her to be honest. My Dad has done a bit of head shaking over the years but adores my step mum so isn't likely to mention it.

It’s a hard one, especially as your sister genuinely believes her parents love having them. If they don’t, then they need to talk to her about it, not you.

Could it be your dad was telling you this to hint that they might not be able to take your children so regularly as it’s too much? Older children are a handful, my mum loved the 4 months stage and never thought it was a hassle, but my dad liked the older stages (although running around is more difficult these days). You have to remember that your parents have given you five years of help and childcare, and your sister as only had 4 months. Don’t burn any bridges, but it might be time to start looking into alternative childcare. It’s not worth family resentment.

Well her going out for drinks and leaving the baby with her partner is up to them, and none of your business.

In terms of your father and s mother - you can have a proper conversation with them both about what they actually want to do, and then encourage them to talk to your s sister. You can also suggest to both of them that your s mum not get your father involved with the baby care (I presume he is and that's why he's exhausted, or is it a sleep thing?) And then you can encourage them to to talk to your s sister.

If they won't, then I think the next step is to talk to your step mum and say you are really concerned about your Dad's health.

If nothing happens after that I think you can share that concern w your s sister.

I can see why you are concerned about both your Dad and the impact on your childcare. In terms of the latter you may just have to think about making separate arrangements - it sounds like your s sister's relationship may go south and if it does your s mum may be stepping up not down. You also give the impression there is some jealousy of your s sister (because of your comments about her leaving her baby w her partner to go out), this doesn't invalidate your other concerns, but you need to keep an eye on this as it could really drive a wedge into your family.

I think this is a crap situation for you op because your sister is taking the piss and taking advantage of your parents generosity. She is going to burn them out. I don’t think there’s anything you can do to change this. If your parents won’t draw the line she will just push it until they get ill.

I think you need to think about alternative arrangements for childcare just to save your parents sanity.

Through my job I have met quite a few grandparents who tell me they are basically burning out doing childcare but they feel so bad asking to cut back. It is a thing.

Kindly OP, this is what you need to watch.

It smells of jealousy, but even if you genuinely believe your s sister is struggling with motherhood and/or may be depressed, this stuff is simply none of your business.

Plenty of parents hand their kids over at an early stage if they can - lots of people find parenting of young kids extremely boring. She may be perfectly happy and bonded with her baby, just delighted to enjoy her mat leave seeing her mates and handing off some grunt work.

Heading down this track is not the way to get the results you want .

Her behaviour in offloading the baby to that extent at that age isn’t normal but probably need professional help to unpick why - is it MH or something else. It sounds as though she may have some kind of learning difficulty (diagnosed or undiagnosed) if she’s always struggled. Could that be a possibility? I’m most concerned about the baby who is at risk of attachment issues in later life without that bond. Maybe your parents were the generation where they kept things within the family instead of asking for help. But it sounds like she is neglecting the baby - if she didn’t have others to leave the baby with this would be much clearer. I don’t think your parents just stopping helping is the answer as need to get to the bottom of why she is avoiding the baby. The partner needs to speak to the HV and be honest about what is going on and ask for help. She’s just going to be defensive with you, outside professionals need to know the situation and can then offer more support which may be coming to support her at home with the baby and building her confidence or getting her help with PND.

On a purely practical note, my grandparent's have always volunteered lots of their time, often in ways that the other struggled with. So, my grandma would go out/away when my grandad moved people in, or took on childcare and my grandad would lurk in family member's homes reading while my grandma tutored, or did her charity things.

Could your dad have a set of keys to yours, so he could chill, when the baby is too much for him?

Perhaps your dad thinks that if he says anything about the baby being there then smum will say something about your kids being there?

Presumably your ex can't help?

Could your dad look after your kids at yours/stay over when the baby stays at his?

I find it hilarious that op is getting a hard time about being jealous because if the ss had come on here and told everyone she hands over her 4 month old to his dgps every day AND goes out drinking 3 nights a week she’d get flamed, and rightly so!

What she’s doing is genuinely shocking. Her poor baby 🙁

OP(if you're still here and the unrealistic PP haven't scared you off) YANBU. You and ex DP have taken 4 weeks of the holidays off- that's huge and a lot more than others would do. 2 days after school isn't a huge amount: my own mum did this for my kids for many years and she cooked for them if needed. It's a usual arrangement (not on the MN agenda but in real life it is).

My sister took the royal piss with childcare over the years. At times I, or other sis/bro, had to have a word with her. It depends on how close you are- we're very close so she knew it was coming from a good place.

I'm going to shock MN now: my exH takes care of my youngest DS sometimes (not his child) along with his brothers/ on his own!

Exactly

There are two entirely separate points here, though. Is stepsister behaving normally, as you would expect of a mother with a small baby? Clearly not. But it’s not really OP’s place to comment on it. If she genuinely thinks this woman needs help, she should suggest it for her. But her beef is more about the impact on the grandparents. And she really can’t complain that the grandparents are doing far too much childcare when they are providing a good slug of that for her! Because if that’s her real concern, then she can lessen the load on them by making some other arrangements herself. If she’s not keen to do that, then she has to accept that she can’t really comment about the childcare they provide for their other grandchild.

Grandparents looking after 2 primary age children for a few hours after school twice a week is very normal in my community.

It is definitely not comparable to looking after a 4 month old baby day and night for several days a week when the mother is on maternity leave

I know, this 'the OP is always in the wrong' thing drives me mad in AIBU and seems to have leaked across the whole site. There are so many posters who seem to see it as a sport where the game is to find (or invent, if necessary) the OP's weakness and possible grounds for criticism and then go for the jugular. It's why people do the irritating 'reverse' thing - because they know that if they post as themselves they'll get flamed but if they post pretending to be from the other side they'll get page after satisfying page about how awful the other side are.

Exactly this. @Checkonetwo only on mumsnet Is your arrangement weird. It’s certainly not entitled.

And rest assured if your SS posted she would be flamed!