Relationship is a toxic awful mess

[Inamess2022]

Hi, I am sitting here on a beautiful Saturday evening in bits and in tears. I don’t know where to start but my relationship is in a complete and utter state. Because I had feelings and could never fully accept his “co-parenting” aka basically really intense relationships with his children and still going in and out of his ex’s house weekly, plus a multitude of other things that have played out including arguments in front of his kids, being made to feel left out, being told I “hate his kids” and I’m “gaslighting” him. I have been called a cunt/insecure/jealous and now I have a feeling he is going to try and inform people that I have “mental health issues”. There is a lot more that I could say. He won’t leave the house willingly. I am worn down, depressed, scared of being alone again with my child but equally cannot live in a state of heightened anxiety and tension for much longer. I have spent most of today in tears.

You need to find somewhere else to live with your child. Anyone that can treat someone that way doesn't deserve to be around your child.

Look after yourself and leave, you are correct, it is toxic.

You are stronger than you think.

Is he the father of your child?

Hi no thankfully we don’t have that connection. He has been in my sons life since a young age and he has never been aggressive towards him, but I recognise the longer this goes on the more damaging it could potentially be. I’ve spent so long trying to paper over cracks, I spoke to women’s aid twice and they have told me to get the truth out there before he attempts to 😣Can’t actually believe my life in my forties has come to this. The tenancy is in my name not his.

You're not the only one, I have spent the day in tears on and off. I literally do everything for my partner since we met 5 years ago. He is very lazy and barely moves but I've tolerated it. Unfortunately he now has cancer and is going through chemo. I know it's horrendous for him but his moods and nastiness is next level. But despite going through hell and back for him looking after him etc if I dare push back on one of his endless requests im the nasty one and causing him another tumour. I also have a son and I hate the thought of not being with my partner but can't go on like this. Like you im in my forties and wonder what the hell has happened to my life.
Sorry rambled on a bit there. But what I'm trying to say is you're not the only one and I hope you are ok

Oh that's the other thing - my partner is the same with his ex. A completely weird messed up situation. He actually has to stay with her one long weekend per month as she lives so far away. It's crap but if I show any uneasiness about it he completely looses it with me

Does he use his connection with his ex to wind you up or throw at you?
If the tenancy is in your name you can demand he leaves. I know you don’t want to be alone but better a peaceful life alone for you and dc than live with someone who’s emotionally abusive.

The tenancy is in my name not his.

That means you kick him out and call the police to assist if you need to. He doesn't have the luxury of refusing to leave.

Hi Yes he does use the connection with ex to wind me up. I’ve been worried about getting the police involved in terms of my son and social services etc. My son is really happy, well cared for and loved and has a great relationship with his dad and I. We have a good access routine set up that’s worked for years as well. I suppose I just haven’t wanted anyone to find out the full extent of things 😪

The tenancy is in my name not his.

good ! This is wonderful

putting aside heartbreak etc this needs to stop
asap for the sake of your child

once he’s out and away you will feel so much better

if you are scared he will be abusive use the police
it’s your home
and a child resides there
the law is on your side

trust me you will be way happier without this shit
bit getting there is hard

stay strong x

"I’ve been worried about getting the police involved in terms of my son and social services etc".

Why is this?. My guess is that he has threatened all sorts against you in an attempt to both intimidate and regain his power and control over you.

You've taken care of your son well to date so why would social services be at all involved?. People end relationships every day and your relationship with your partner is a toxic abusive mess and one you need to free yourself from asap. Using his ill health as a further way to bash you over the head with is yet more abusive behaviour from him.

Abuse thrives on secrecy and covering up your partner's ill treatment of you has not worked. Time to bust this wide open now. The tenancy is in your sole name and he indeed does not have the luxury of refusing to leave (yet another behaviour abusive men often try).

Call the police if you need too. I did and the police did get social services involved - but we have a child together. If the child isn't his then they may not do that.

Equally if they do, social services were absolutely lovely. My son is so loved and well cared for with me. They had no concerns over my child. They were just calling to offer support, give advice and be there for me. They aren't as scary as the seem. It was one call and I haven't heard off them since though have their number stored on my phone should I ever need them again.

Putting that aside, get him out of your home for both your sakes.

He has made idle type threats, that he will contact my ex husband (this one has never bothered me), that he will show friends and family “videos” and texts of me arguing. It’s like I’m dealing with someone with split personality that’s the only way I can describe it as. And sadly he has bought out this toxic side in me as well, where I feel myself getting so angry so I will shout back and act out in ways I find hard to recognise. Oh and he has also said that I don’t portray my “true” self to my friends and family, that I am false. Which I’m not at all, I feel more myself with them than him 😪

Get real life support. you need to start talking about this as you may find friends and family will offer to help. tell them he has been filming you and is threatening to show them. He will look like a nut

The above from him to you is all out of the Abusers 101 manual; its all done to intimidate and regain his power and control over you. He could not give a monkeys really about you and your child. Do not give into such idle threats; you know the truth here and you need to start opening up to trusted other people as to what he's really like.

If he is refusing to leave (as many such types do) a call to the police will soon take the wind out of his sails.

Your behaviour towards him is simply a result of you being provoked by him into acting such; anyone else in your position would have acted the same. Abusers can be "nice" sometimes to their chosen target but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one.

My ex bad-mouthed me to people. I was upset about it, but they were his friends not mine and my family and friends believed and supported me. You are worrying a lot about what others may think when I think you should be worrying about you and your child. You can't stay in an abusive relationship due to what some people may or may not think. Start confiding in family and friends - get it out there. Easy to say, but try to stop reacting to him as it fuels him and distracts you from taking action to help you and DC.

It's quite a common tactic of abusive person to conduct a smear campaign so even if he didn't have videos he would just lie. Once they can't control you, they have to control how others see you.

First step is you have to realise you can't have a bealthy relationship with him. That means there is no point in trying to communicate positively with him. I imagine he uses every discussion as a way to manipulate you and to make you angry.

Once I realised that ex H's deliberately used tactics, such as DARVO and word salad I realised it was utterly pointless trying to discuss anything with him. He didn't want compromise or healthy communication - it was always about his agenda. Read Lundy and Patricia Evans "verbally abusive relationship". It will help you understand his toxic mindset.

How long have you been together?

Don't waste anymore time crying over this man. Accept the relationship is over because you know you deserve better and he will NOT charge. Get support from family & friends (only those you can trust completely).

Been together six years. It started off well but the last year has been very turbulent. He has a very intense relationship with his kids and is a proponent of “co-parenting” and if I have any opinions about that it’s met in a very negative way. There are two really good friends that know the full truth and have been great, I’ve now been opening up more to others as well. My parents haven’t really ever liked him. An example of the sort of person he can be: we drove to my parents house last summer, he got into a trivial row with my father about politics or something, rather than waking up the next day and brushing it off he continued it on to the point of getting in his car and leaving my son and I behind 100 plus miles away. I feel very ashamed to admit stuff like this. It’s the old cliche of trying to see beyond these things when the reality is staring me right in the face. He is the typical troubled background but now rehabilitated person but I’ve always know that the person he claimed to have left behind many years ago always existed. I think this is what is so frustrating he works in social work, he is a good dad (well he thinks he’s dad of the year) but he has a very nasty streak and I now realise clearly I do not want to be around that sort of person.

So your family do know what he is like so you have nothing to fear. Think about what you want for your and your DC. Get your family onboard and friends and get rid of this toxic man

Because I had feelings and could never fully accept his “co-parenting” aka basically really intense relationships with his children and still going in and out of his ex’s house weekly

What do you mean by this bit? You didn’t want him to be close to his children or seeing them and their mother often?

I feel really really sorry for you. There are so many awful personal anecdotes on MN of men who move into the homes where there are already children. What a totally shitty experience for those children to go through. These men seem to bring so much chaos with them, and create so much chaos and fear, too.

Today he has flipped out on me and blamed me for everything to the point he is now saying I will be making him homeless, I’ve never cared about his kids etc etc. I feel like I’m living in a pressure cooker

When you ask him to leave he I am
sure can go and stay with his ex whilst he organises his accommodation. You owe this man nothing - I think you need to focus on your goal for you and your DC

now I have a feeling he is going to try and inform people that I have “mental health issues

Wow this is such textbook abuser behaviour to pretend the person they’re abusing is “mentally ill”. Been there.

Who cares what he says, he’s trash. Focus on your poor kid who’s had 6yrs of his life brutalised by being made to live with your shit boyfriend.

Get the police to remove him from your home. You owe it to your kid.

What do you mean about co-parenting? Does he have a good relationship with his Ex?

Whatever the rights or wrongs, this relationship is done. Be grateful you didn't marry or joint own/rent a place together.

Agree a period of time for him to move out. Write an email confirming the date you need him to leave. If he is rants, don't engage, grey rock. He wants you to be upset/angry. Don't give him that.