Relationship is a toxic awful mess

[Inamess2022]

Hi, I am sitting here on a beautiful Saturday evening in bits and in tears. I don’t know where to start but my relationship is in a complete and utter state. Because I had feelings and could never fully accept his “co-parenting” aka basically really intense relationships with his children and still going in and out of his ex’s house weekly, plus a multitude of other things that have played out including arguments in front of his kids, being made to feel left out, being told I “hate his kids” and I’m “gaslighting” him. I have been called a cunt/insecure/jealous and now I have a feeling he is going to try and inform people that I have “mental health issues”. There is a lot more that I could say. He won’t leave the house willingly. I am worn down, depressed, scared of being alone again with my child but equally cannot live in a state of heightened anxiety and tension for much longer. I have spent most of today in tears.

So what if he's homeless, it isn't his home anyway, it's yours. Why should you put up with the bastard? If he was a nice bloke you wouldn't be wanting him to go.

Call the police and get him chucked out asap.

Sending strength...call the police to assist removal of him. Call social services yourself and tell the what he's threatening. Don't be bullied by this abusive twat

Social services are more likely to get involved if your partner doesn't go, you're putting your child's needs and safety first by ending this very damaging relationship

Tell your friends and family everything. You will need their support. He needs to leave your house, it's not your problem if he's homeless. Stop caring so much, he certainly doesn't care about you.

Don't worry if he tries to turn people against you. The people who'll believe him aren't important, but a lot of people won't believe him or even care either way. If someone tried to show me videos or texts of their ex arguing I'd think they were a nutter and quite the nasty little manipulator. I'd tell them to get over it, accept the relationship is finished and start behaving with some dignity.

Let him make his useless threats.
Let him say whatever he likes.
Your friends & family know who you are, they won't take any notice of him - they'll have seen how lazy & unpleasant he is to you.

Once he is out, you will realise how little his words mean.
And that you don't need to pay them, or him, any attention at all.

Can you have someone there with you when you tell him to move out?
And once he does, change the locks?

It's time for him to go. He has no right to make you feel like this in your own home. He has no right to make you feel bad full stop!

Do NOT give him a notice period. He can go to his own family, or his ex.
Just bite the bullet & get rid of him. You will feel so much relief as soon as he is gone.

It is not your responsibility to house him.
If he refuses to leave, call the police, & they will help eject him. They will also warn him to stay away from you - tell them he is emotionally abusing you.

Please seek support from Women’s Aid, before you mention to him that he needs to leave your home. Domestic abuse perpetrators can ramp up the abuse, as it means that they no longer have power over you.
Women’s Aid will also be able to support you with any legal orders that be able to keep you safe and other useful supports etc.

You've had some excellent advice and I hope you'll feel strong enough to act on it and get rid of this abuser.

The only thing I'd add is that you should read WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH. It's a classic which has helped many women since it was first published over a quarter of a century ago.

It'll help you understand how you ended up trying to fall over backwards to try and meet this man's needs at the expense of your emotional health, as well as giving you the tools to ensure you don't fall for similar abusive men in the future.

He is manipulating you. He is angrily saying you will make him homeless so that you will immediately respond with a shocked 'I would never do that.'
He is bringing his kids into it so you will respond with a 'but I love the dc.'
It is good that you realise he needs to go. Even better it is your home.

Well as an update things have got progressively worse. He has agreed to leave and is seeking other accommodation urgently but we are arguing every day, awful atmosphere, last night he grabbed my phone off me and wouldn’t let me have it back for a while as the contact is in “his name”. I am feeling gradually more weak and pathetic as time goes on, I’m constantly veering towards knowing it’s the right thing for him to leave and being terrified about how ill cope with my child alone in one of the most expensive places in the UK 😞😞 I feel like I’m being accused of gaslighting him for having feelings about being a so called step parent that were complex. I also think he’s started telling his family members that I have “issues” oh yes and apparently his mum said “watch her she is dangerous/volatile to be around”. I’m not I just feel like I’m in the middle of a complete head fuck until he leaves.

I’ve started being honest with friends and work colleagues and I’ve already set the wheels in motion with my son a month ago. But why does it feel so hard to let go of someone who I know is toxic 😞😞

I also think he’s started telling his family members that I have “issues” oh yes and apparently his mum said “watch her she is dangerous/volatile to be around”.

I imagine he's inventing this - it's part of The Script "& my mum thinks you're mad, so ner!" ...

Besides - it doesn't matter what other people think. If they don't know you well enough to understand that you are not the villain here, you don;t need them in your life.

Why is he still hanging on at your home? Can he not go to his mum's, or a friend's?

As to coping alone - you will find it much, much, easier without this deadweight round your neck. Get rid of him, enjoy the relief of having your home back to yourself, & then you can start looking at issues like where you live (expensive) & what your priorities are for you & DC.

Trauma Bonding - www.verywellhealth.com/trauma-bonding-5210779

It gets easier as soon as the abuser is out of your life OP xx

Thank you for the link re trauma bonding I sadly can relate to that so much. I wish I could get the strength to realise my life will be so much better without him and all the other stuff that comes with him it’s just hard. But I know I am doing the right thing for myself and my son.

Ended up sobbing down the phone to a work colleague and now feel truly weak and silly. Seems inconceivable that things could have ended up so bad, this is someone who has been in my sons life for six years..I know we will get on ok but I’m finding it extremely hard to come to terms with. Work has been impossible today 😢😞

Your children are living with a cretin who calls their mother “a cunt”?

If you can’t bring yourself to leave him for yourself, FGS do it for your vulnerable children

Oh that’s exciting that’s what I’m doing now, you are right, at the moment my son is relatively shielded and unscathed from any arguments/tension as they usually occur when he’s not around. But I’ve seen that he’s picked up on tensions and he’s such a lovely, gregarious little boy that I couldn’t bear for him to witness such vile talk 😞I think it can be very hard to get your head around how your partner can be so nice to your child and yet so different with you 😞

And also what I can’t get my head around is this man has daughters who he dotes over, I’ve often said to him what would you do if their partners spoke to them like this?!?

he got into a trivial row with my father about politics or something, rather than waking up the next day and brushing it off he continued it on to the point of getting in his car and leaving my son and I behind 100 plus miles away

this was “one example” you gave

your son has not been shielded and will be very very aware of what is going on.

shield him now

@Inamess2022, One of the cruel things Ex H did was be deliberately over the top nice to the children and then ignoring me. It was bullying. His facade was extremely important to him so he worked hard to demonstrate how great a father he was. However as dc are older and push back at him he isn't as keen. They exist for his image and adoration, he is less keen on having a genuine connection..

No matter how hard I tried not to take the negativity on board it did affect my self esteem and living with the nice/nasty cycle affects adrenalin so your long term health will be affected. Abusers thrive on conflict so doesn't affect their health.

It took me a long time to realise that my marriage wouldn't get better but also that nothing I did would change his reactions. Of course there was good stuff, we had a lovely standard of living and we're compatible in so many areas but none of that matters if you are walking on eggshells.

Just an update: he is now with his mother many miles away from here thankfully and will move his possessions from next week. I however am a bit of a mess, I start counselling next week. I can’t seem to process all that has occurred, I fluctuate from feeling like yes mine and my sons life will be so much better to I won’t cope etc. I feel like a complete mess at relationships, I was with my ex husband for 16 years from university until that broke down then almost straight into this relationship for six years. So no time to be alone really, no time to get used to it. I feel terribly weak and pathetic

Hey OP - the worst is done, & you are now blessedly free.
Don't expect too much of yourself. It is perfectly normal to experience heightened mood swings & feelings of not coping - the thing is, you ARE coping, & have coped with worse (living with that eejit), which just shows the amount of strength & resilience you have.

Of course you can’t process it all right now, you were with him for 6 years and it only ended a few days ago.

You are doing all the right things - going to counselling and confiding in your friends.

Thank you so much for your messages. I’ve been out with my son and friends all day, fluctuating once more between I will be ok to I cannot do this…it’s awful. Daytime isn’t so bad as busy with six week holiday and start back at work next week, and then obviously come September school and work combined. Nighttime’s I’m struggling with..for instance woke up at 5am and had what I can only describe as an anxiety attack, many tears and felt as though it was hard to breathe 😓😓 I’m remembering the person I used to love who I had so much in common with at one time and I can’t seem to believe how things have got this bad and horrible. God please tell me this bit passes 😓

Yes it passes. It’s grief, it goes through phases.

It takes time to recover from trauma.