Dumped over the phone tonight after 4 years!

[LMBoston]

Just that. There’s been a few weeks of him being distant, two instances of… “unsuccessful” sex, our first proper row about Jordan Peterson ffs, then this week he booked a September holiday alone without saying anything (not a problem per se — I love holidaying alone — but it would be nice to be told!).

I’m 47, he’s 34. No particular reason given, apart from he feels like he’s just treading water and his “head’s a shed” — that expression gives me the ick anyway, thank Christ — so I’m not sure if he’s having a premature midlife crisis/wants kids now/is shagging elsewhere (successfully, no doubt). There isn’t much point discussing it as it’s hurtful enough without hearing a list of my perceived faults.

It’s been a lovely 4 years; he was always truly thoughtful and supportive through major life changes, and a very wise owl. Never demonstratively affectionate and useless at intimate conversation, but he’s ex-Special Forces and quite a manly sort, plus bitter experience has taught me that anyone can say they love you but actions speak louder than words!

We don’t live together but see (saw 😔) each other every day, look after each other’s dogs and share everything. It seemed an ideal set up for two people that enjoy their own space and independence in the happy knowledge that someone always has your back. I haven’t told anyone yet; too embarrassing when everyone, including his mother, said he adored me.

Thanks for reading, I’m wandering round the house like a lost soul and even the dog thinks I’m being weird so he’s gone to sleep in the spare room! Any company much appreciated…

LMBoston

min a way it’s harder for him as his goal is trickier
meet someone as nice as you and sustain it , and have kids with them

whereas you just need a nice companion
I’d rather be in your shoes x

@LMBoston

Impossible to say at this point whether he will truly make a great father or not, that's just your speculation/projection at the moment. Many men appear to be "great" but in reality aren't. But, it's not your concern. It's a shame he didn't address this issue sooner, or rather didn't get into a relationship with someone who couldn't have children.

You know him more than a random on social media but, FWIW, I wouldn't mythologise how great a DF he'd make. People can change but if this is how he handles a difficult issue or decision after having the chance to grow up then at 34, I suspect it's more likely than not that he will be a terrible father and partner who will bolt when the pressure of a baby is applied to a relationship. Good luck.

@zonky @Zilla1 funnily enough, I said to my brother (whose wife, incidentally, is 10 years older than him) that if my ex wants to have a family he’ll need to work on his emotional communication skills! You can’t bury your head in the sand when you’ve got children… well, you can but I guess you’d end up with a pretty unhealthy dynamic all round. And you’re right @Thisisworsethananticpated, I think he’ll struggle to find what he (thinks he) is looking for, whereas I just have to contend with being dumped.

In the wee hours I even googled “having a baby at 47”; cleared that search pretty sharpish this morning! It’s made me reflect on my childless state certainly but in general I’m content with my lot in life. Just a bit fragile at the minute.

On a lighter note, I got asked out for a drink at work this morning 😂 A childhood friend, happily childless and single, dog owner and also newly dumped (and also verrrrry funny and attractive, even my mum fancies him!). He made me laugh even though I feel old and clapped out and past it so, although I said no to a date, it did cheer me up 😊

JP is a rent-an-opinion psychologist who demeans his field by populist talk which changes depending on which audience he is speaking to. But he does seem to be an older man who lives in the past who believes that nearly all women practice hpergamy and marry men for money. He is one of those men who has just never met a female doctor, lawyer, dentist, company director, etc and seemingly, neither have any of his fans. I don't know if life is different in middle America/Canada or something, but he really believes that nearly all women are out there desperate to throw away their wvies for an average man on 40k pa and his own studio flat. But his witterings do also include men "exchanging" their wealth for womens' youth, etc.

I think you might have to be more brutal about dating OP. A lot of young women thankfully are now. If the man offers FWB, or no proper dating, doesn't move in together or is interested in a future together including marriage, then they ditch them before they grow too close. Unfortunately, I think because of the age gap, you have been a placeholder for his supposed perfect relationship.

He has shown himself to be a weak, cowardly man, and don't be taken in by his pity play when he comes crawling back because the ideal woman/relationship hasn't materialised. A lot of younger men are looking for mummy figures to provide security while they navigate their way in the world.

Following…..Sorry OP x

I hope,you're feeling better OP.

if it's any consolation my ex husband literally dumped me by text after we'd been married only a few months.

Some men are vile pathetic creeps.

I never told anyone he'd done that. I never think about it or him really, he did me a massive favour! I was well out of it. He was nowhere near good enough for me and I met someone a million times better.

You'll be fine, hugs and kisses.