Dumped over the phone tonight after 4 years!

[LMBoston]

Just that. There’s been a few weeks of him being distant, two instances of… “unsuccessful” sex, our first proper row about Jordan Peterson ffs, then this week he booked a September holiday alone without saying anything (not a problem per se — I love holidaying alone — but it would be nice to be told!).

I’m 47, he’s 34. No particular reason given, apart from he feels like he’s just treading water and his “head’s a shed” — that expression gives me the ick anyway, thank Christ — so I’m not sure if he’s having a premature midlife crisis/wants kids now/is shagging elsewhere (successfully, no doubt). There isn’t much point discussing it as it’s hurtful enough without hearing a list of my perceived faults.

It’s been a lovely 4 years; he was always truly thoughtful and supportive through major life changes, and a very wise owl. Never demonstratively affectionate and useless at intimate conversation, but he’s ex-Special Forces and quite a manly sort, plus bitter experience has taught me that anyone can say they love you but actions speak louder than words!

We don’t live together but see (saw 😔) each other every day, look after each other’s dogs and share everything. It seemed an ideal set up for two people that enjoy their own space and independence in the happy knowledge that someone always has your back. I haven’t told anyone yet; too embarrassing when everyone, including his mother, said he adored me.

Thanks for reading, I’m wandering round the house like a lost soul and even the dog thinks I’m being weird so he’s gone to sleep in the spare room! Any company much appreciated…

Sorry about that, OP. FWIW even with MIL confirmation, 100% of the men I know who have claimed to be ex-SF were not. The only ex-SF person I know never tells anyone and is cagey rather than performative about which Regiment he was in and where he was based.

Jim is all these men personnified, and I don't like him.

You are definitely better off without either Don or Jim. Bastards.

I hope you laughed in his face.

I know what you mean (Walts!) — I was trying not to be outing, not SF as such (SBS etc) but “elite” military then private security. Definitely legit unless all his family and friends are in on it! Sorry, I probably didn’t word it well but didn’t want to give too personal details.

Thats awful of him to tell you over the phone like that. TBH I think you are better off without him although it probably doesnt seem that way right now! If he has been distant and a couple of unsuccessful sex occasions ,seems likely he could have met someone else .Men often say they dont want DC, then change their minds .Jordan Peterson is an idiot BTW! So if he agrees with him well out of it I reckon

Ok so let me see….

1. He is elite military
2. He is 34
3. You’ve business dealings together
4. He has used your business acumen
5. He is about to holiday alone
6. He is feeling confused

What a joker!

Cut business dealings
Do not speak to this tin pot soldier again

Find yourself a man and never let someone use you like this again.

Missbusydiy

im
confused ! What do the bullets mean ?
are they faults ?
lies !?

slagging him off won’t make op feel better

she needs to move on and heal
and she will , in time 💔

“lies ??” Not that I’m aware of
“slagging off “- no - this is my understanding

He is elite military
He is 34
You’ve business dealings together
He has used your business acumen
He is about to holiday alone
He is feeling confused

and I believe that he should have spoken in person with the OP (4 years is a long time)
His behaviour was cowardly - strange given his background ! That’s all .

Why is he an idiot?

He maybe special forces but he's a coward.

Chin up LM - there's nothing for you to feeling ashamed of

You sound lovely OP
You will get over the hurt and initial shock - you’re strong - you will move on
Don’t let him come crawling back - they always come crawling back
You are too young and can easily find a man more on your level in all respects
my ex booked a holiday alone for himself as soon as we broke up despite me spending months trying to get him to go away with me
It’s hurtful, I understand
he’ll have been feeling and thinking this way for a while, it won’t have been a sudden thing

OP you sound great - can I date you?!

You'll move on, as will he (if he hasn't already!). It sucks to be dumped when you thought things were going pretty well. Hoping you have good friends around you to help you get through it.

Flowers and cake for you

I find these comments ", you'll move on" unhelpful, I mean obviously we all can and usually do move on, and will 'live' without others but it's sort of depressing that you get so emotionally invested in someone and while being invested you sort of know that in the event it doesn't work out, you'll be fine?! If someone really and truly meant something to you it takes a very long time sometimes to emotionally find someone else to move on to. If at all. There's only so many times you can actually keep emotionally investing, and not knowing whether it will be another failed relationship.

Musttryharder2021

well what other options are there ? Stay miserable forever
a split especially when you didn’t expect it is like a small bereavement
it’s horrible and it takes time
and yes it’s hard to trust and love again

but we all have to have hope

The fact that he’s comfortable dumping you over the phone speaks volumes, op. Feels shit now, but good dodge. Wanker.

Yes, I wouldn't be surprised if you find out he went on holiday with somebody else. he went quiet after you said he deserved a break. :-(

Stay strong and if he tries to be your friend, don't tolerate that.

The more you say, the more he sounds like a prize pillock and emotionally a bit of a coward even if he isn't elsewhere. Unfortunately a lot of these types are great fun but they're not exactly long term future material, not least because they're conditioned to think the lads are their number one priority that everyone else comes second to. You may not feel ok about it yet but you will do 💐

Disagreeing with anybody who admires Jordan 'women wear red lipstick as a sexual signal to men and have a subconscious desire to be brutally dominated' peterson is a good enough reason for an argument imo. That's the second times hes had a mention in relationships in a few days. One of his fans on just here the other day. Quickly banned.

And yes I must admit as soon as I heard 'special forces' I made a skeptical noise, whatever one of those are. Not saying you are lying OP, but men who go in about that sort of thing rarely have the past they claim. Look at Christopher lee for example.

anyway keep reminding yourself you will feel better in a week or so, and try not to drink too much, keep a good routine and it should be alright.

Sorry for silence — had a bit of a shit day yesterday, I’m just so gutted at this is how it’s ended. And surprised; I thought he was better than that. @Isonthecase is right with “emotional coward”. Disappointing, to say the least. I’m fine alone, love living independently and have done for many years, I don’t need to be with someone. I’ll just miss HIM.

Interesting exchange there, @Musttryharder2021 and @Thisisworsethananticpated. I must say I’m pretty tired of failed relationships! I’m the eternal optimist, and I’ve tried to make myself a hard-headed cynic as befits a 47 year old woman (!) but it hasn’t happened yet. Are relationships really worth this pain and upset when they inevitably break down?

Re Jordan Peterson, I must say @SpaceGoatFarm that that row worried me. Everything went downhill after that in quite a short space of time. Until then, it was more the 12 Rules stuff that we talked about: fair enough, they’re just common sense imo and if they help people then that’s good. But the male/female conflict JP stokes bothers me, and the way certain men (eg incels) have leapt on his pronouncements and twisted them to their own ends is worrying. It’s interesting that he’s mentioned on previous threads.

Thanks to you all, you’re making a tough time a bit easier. And @InFiveMins, if you wait until I’ve finally grown a thick skin and a fucking brain, yeah I’ll date you 😅

LMBoston

well I’d say
3 good years mostly good ?
and let’s guesstimate a few months of feeling shit and sad ?

im however in a place where I’m dipping my toes and am same age as you
I’ve also not had anything as serious as you had

but I do beleieve that people come into our lives for a reason and we learn from every relationship

and I don’t think dating at our age is the same as 27 when the goal seems to be ‘marriage + house + babies ‘

but - just because I’ve made peace with ‘failed relationships ‘ it doesn’t mean you easily can xx

He's cowardly, immature and disrespectful to end a 4 yr relationship by phone.

He also sounds like he's monkey branching (involved with someone else, has a hold of another branch before he let's go of his current one).

I say that partly because his character assassination of you, and the relatively manufactured/brown up argument reminds me of the behaviour of cheating men whose partners can do nothing right when they're having an affair or are on the way out; a type of rationalisation/guilt amelioration.

I think the poster who said his holiday is not actually alone may be correct.

Onto the age gap .... it'll be flamed but in my observation, the vast majority of relationships with a significant age gap - with the woman older - do not turn out to be lasting/permanent.

The Sam Taylor Woods and Macrons and Joan Collins (i know those are bigger age gaps than you but ..) etc are the exception to the rule, whereas relationships with an older man seem to be more common and perhaps more likely to last on average ..... for a big range of reasons.

I honestly think any woman entering one needs to keep that foremost in her mind. Regardless of what the man says.

(A thousand times more if he has no kids already).

While it's totally understandable that a relationship continuing for 4 yrs might make someone think it is going to be a lasting one and he might well be one of the exceptions; people can have very different perceptions, expectations and investment in long term relationships. The length can just reflect habit, comfort, convenience, pragmatism etc let go on for as long as it suits them (rather than deep investment).

I also find men in particular are prone to dismissing reservations/doubts when they are v attracted to a woman and focused on their sex life with her; until time - the typical honeymoon period of a year or two - starts to blunt that.

We had a lady do some cleaning for us when when working FT, she was very open and told me she was cleaning, among other jobs, because she was back with her mortgage (having previously paid off a mortgage and owning her home outright) after having to give a pay out in her divorce settlement to her 10 yrs younger ex husband, who'd cheated on her and left her incidentally (with a younger woman, of course). They'd been together quite a while and he got a sizeable sum and left her and her daughters (one of whom discovered his affair) in reduced financial circumstances.

I've seen quite a few scenarios now that make me think the vast majority of younger men are for (if you're that way inclined) shagging and fun and company, but that is all. If you're the type to catch feelings (and most of us are) it's probably better not to get involved at all.