Dumped over the phone tonight after 4 years!

[LMBoston]

Just that. There’s been a few weeks of him being distant, two instances of… “unsuccessful” sex, our first proper row about Jordan Peterson ffs, then this week he booked a September holiday alone without saying anything (not a problem per se — I love holidaying alone — but it would be nice to be told!).

I’m 47, he’s 34. No particular reason given, apart from he feels like he’s just treading water and his “head’s a shed” — that expression gives me the ick anyway, thank Christ — so I’m not sure if he’s having a premature midlife crisis/wants kids now/is shagging elsewhere (successfully, no doubt). There isn’t much point discussing it as it’s hurtful enough without hearing a list of my perceived faults.

It’s been a lovely 4 years; he was always truly thoughtful and supportive through major life changes, and a very wise owl. Never demonstratively affectionate and useless at intimate conversation, but he’s ex-Special Forces and quite a manly sort, plus bitter experience has taught me that anyone can say they love you but actions speak louder than words!

We don’t live together but see (saw 😔) each other every day, look after each other’s dogs and share everything. It seemed an ideal set up for two people that enjoy their own space and independence in the happy knowledge that someone always has your back. I haven’t told anyone yet; too embarrassing when everyone, including his mother, said he adored me.

Thanks for reading, I’m wandering round the house like a lost soul and even the dog thinks I’m being weird so he’s gone to sleep in the spare room! Any company much appreciated…

Just be glad you've never combined living arrangements & finances (hopefully!) with him, is all I can say, having seem the above and another similar situation.

You had a "lovely" few years, with support etc., its hard now, but just try to appreciate that, concentrate on recovering and you can (if you want) meet a nice partner to share things with in time.

Quite a few people who say they are 'special forces' Turn out to be fantasists btw.

I did explain the SF thing in a previous post (changed actual role to give general idea without outing)! He may be a coward but he’s definitely not a fantasist, and nor am I.

As for the age gap, @LooseGoose22 makes some interesting points. I was originally happy with a FWB arrangement as that was all I was looking for. It was him that did the chasing and him that seemed to want a more permanent footing, which — given that he was a proper good sort (…) — in time became something I wanted too. But you’re right, there is a dichotomy between M/F and F/M couples and the latter certainly seem to go wrong more often :(

This is awful and so cowardly! I know just how you feel. My ex broke up with me by text after two years together, first thing on a Monday morning when he knew I had really important meetings all day. It's such a horrible shock and really will take a bit of time. I kept looking for whys as had no real reasons from him. But it doesn't matter at the end of the day, it's over.

I'm 7 months on and feeling fine about it now. Went cold turkey on communication which was hard but essential! We had 18 great months and genuinely was so shocked he would act like this.

That’s rough, it certainly isn’t a pleasant experience and I’m glad you’re ok now :)

I haven’t heard from him, and I won’t be contacting him apart from briefly re business midweek. And it will be strictly that. A part of me is genuinely worried about him as the whole thing seems so odd and out of character, but that’s up to him to deal with. If he couldn’t muster the emotional courage to do me the courtesy of having that conversation properly, then I don’t really see that there’s anything to discuss.

DON’T LET ME CRUMBLE, MUMSNET!

You'll be fine, it's too hot to do anything seriously embarrassing this week anyway 😂

I dunno, I could sit outside and drink a bottle of wine then take all my clothes off and run round his garden shouting, “Why don’t you love me? Why don’t you LOVE me? WHY? WHHHHHHYYYYY?”

I won’t though 😏

Op what else do you have going on in your life apart from this relationship drama?

Erm… lots? Busy self-employment, further education, house renovation, mad dog. Which is why I won’t be doing the above. Not my style but the thought of it made me laugh!

Sorry, the above was to @zonky. Working outside this morning has fried my brain!

Legit thought Jordan Peterson was a footballer. I gather he’s not

sorry for what’s happed OP but you seem to be dealing with it admirably. Keep on keeping on

I think you're thinking of Jordan Pickford, the goalkeeper?

Regarding JP, the handful of possibly unrepresentative videos YT and TikTok/YT shorts? throws up appeared to involve setting up a straw man treating an entire group as homogenous (all women, all BME, all Muslims, all socialists) and criticising a statement made that could never apply to the whole group as being untrue or always true and/or knocking down the same in reverse for men/white men about some criticism that was unfair when applied to all men. The videos seem labelled as 'Epic Fail By Woman' and similar. Might be unrepresentative of his whole schtick. Oddly treated as some guru by mostly men, much like Elon Musk seems to be treated as an engineering genius in connections with the businesses he bought or runs. IME, have seen JP weaponised by angry men who seem to think it's the most powerful card in a game of misogynist debating Top Trumps rather than thinking for themselves or at least critically evaluating the content. Very much seen as 'thinking for yourself/scratching the surface/don't believe MSM but do believe this YT content, much like COVID, anti-vaxxer, Great Reset and so on by those same men (not all men, in case any JP fanbois take offence).

Haha @SpinningTheSeedsOfLove @Handsnotwands when I told my SIL about the JP thing yesterday she made all the right sympathetic noises until she suddenly looked blank and said, ‘Why is he hung up about a basketball player?’ 😂 Bit of light relief there!

@Zilla1 yes I totally agree, much of his stuff is reduced to memes and sound bites to be consumed on the internet. A lot of it isn’t new; Heidegger/Nietzsche/Jung wrote about similar things but obviously didn’t have YouTube! Part of the row was his assertion that life is just one big shit show, a constant struggle that you have to negotiate. Apparently this is a JP tenet? As I say, I’m optimistic (or naive…) and I said that every day can have a tiny moment of joy, however rough things are: all the bees on my lavender hedge, the dog being daft, someone really making you laugh. I probably sound like a right Pollyanna but surely if you wake up in the morning with the philosophy that it’s just another day to fight through then you don’t notice the good stuff?

You can hear him saying this woman hating crap from his own mouth. His "life is struggle' shit is his usual thieving from Nietzsche to add to his word salads. In the area of classics he also promotes fascist scholars (actual fascists from the Mussolini and arrow cross regimes) but always makes sure he keeps just a slight bit of separation so he thinks he can get away with it.

Jordan pickford probably makes more sense when it comes to philosophy

Quite a few years ago now I came home from work to find everything of dp's gone from my house. We didn't live together but he kept quite a few things at mine. No text, no call, no warning. It took him days to then answer one of my many calls. It hurt like hell at the time but I got over it and moved on. You will too and better things await I'm sure. Bastards.

Well I have my answer: it’s the age gap and kids issue. Apparently he’s been worrying about it for a while but ignoring the thoughts in the hope that they would somehow magically stop. Unfortunately neither of us is Marty McFly so nothing can change this; he’s heartbroken and so am I but I feel much better for knowing the truth. It’s almost easier knowing it’s something I can do literally zero about. None of that nonsense about trying to change to make someone love you again!

Thank you all upthread for your support! If anyone in their 40s with no kids wants to tell me inspiring and uplifting things, I’m listening ❤️

I am so sorry op. That sounds tough but I guess you do now know.

LMBoston
well now you know x
sad and somewhat predictable
you don’t necessarily need someone with no kids
bit someone your age and without a desire to have them or have more ?

im glad you got completion and closure

be well

Thanks @coodawoodashooda and @Thisisworsethananticpated I really appreciate your replies. Have to admit I’m floundering a bit here but I do feel better for knowing. It explains a lot; he was scared to tell me and (typical) just stuck his head in the sand hoping he’d change. It’s so sad because I would have had kids with him if I was 10 years younger, he’ll make a great dad one day.

In a way I almost feel worse for him than me. This is his first major heartbreak and, as we all know, it’s fucking hard but I’m not the person to help him. I think in time we will be good pals but first we both need to heal.

Onwards and enjoy your Sunday x

I think the need for ‘healing’ time is very true.

Sending love ❤️

Send love @LMBoston .

get yourself on a dating site. Get out meet new people, plan and get excited about moving on where you will meet Mr Right x

I think you're right; easier to swallow when you know there's nothing you can do. Still very hard though, sending love 💕