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Original poster

Husband secret gambling and debt

59 replies

knowwhentofoldem · 14/07/2022 22:43

Both in our 30s. Married 4 years. Together 8. DC recently turned 1. Things are bad.

Bear with my for some recent back story: The relationship has struggled the last two years. We had a horrible 2020/1 - husband was charged and went on trial for a fairly serious crime. It was a false accusation. He was eventually cleared just before our DC was born last year. During that period were both suffered terrible stress and anxiety and needed a lot of mutual support, and we became more like best friends than a couple.

Since DC was born there has been the usual challenges of having a newborn. Physically things have been virtually non-existent.

Further to this, Husband has always been a big binge drinker, and he hacked me off majorly with a few big nights out not long after DC was born. One was 14 hours long when DC was only 8 weeks old. Weeks later whilst drunk he vomited in our only bathroom sink and blocked it for the night. I've lost a lot of respect for him over the last year or so because of his failure to grow the F up once we had a child.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. We had literally that day inherited a large sum of money. We had been aware of the incoming funds for literally 2 years. We had talked AT LENGTH of big big plans for it. House purchase, investment, move away, change jobs. Proper "change our lives" type of plans. The day the money landed in the bank he told me had been secretly gambling on online slot machines for the last 5 years and was in 30k of debt over various credit cards, loans and overdrafts. We do not have a joint account. I was completely unaware. I have never seen him so much as place a bet on the Grand National. I was absolutely blind sided.

He is calling it an addiction however for the absolute vast majority of it, he has been drunk when he has been doing it, and long periods of time passed between some bouts. In February this year he voluntarily banned himself from all the gambling sites he is aware of. He is trying to find a therapist for addiction therapy. I have taken control of his bank account and his credit file to make sure he creates no more debt.

It's been 2 weeks and I still don't know what I actually feel/think/want.
We have spent the vast majority of the inheritance paying his debt off.
He watched me plan our future lives for the last two years. He encouraged me to dream even though he knew it couldn't happen.
He emptied our DC's savings account a few months back to cover his payments.
He's been keeping this from me since before our wedding. Our whole 4 years of marriage, this has been a secret from me.
I am very empathetic with addiction and I am trying to be supportive and help him get help, but i'm also absolutely furious, I have no faith or trust in him left. I don't want to buy a house with him incase he gets us in more debt. I don't want financially tied to him ( we are not yet financially linked on credit files) incase he drags my credit down with him.
He only told me when he did because he knew we could pay it off.
He thought I'd leave him but I haven't, because in my heart I want us to be a family. But in my head I don't think this can ever survive. I have withdrawn from him so much over the last 2 weeks. Can't even bring myself to peck him on the lips.

I'm looking for perspective. Opinions. Advice. Anything.
It still hasn't sunk in. I don't think i'll ever get over him spunking 30 grand up the wall. What to do?

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 14/07/2022 23:08

How utterly, utterly devastating but how can you go on being with such a man? You cant unless you want more misery with him. I hope you can start afresh with your DC. Why does your part of the money have to go on the debts? He’s emptied your child’s account… unbelievable. Can you get some legal advice?

Discombobulatedwife · 14/07/2022 23:09

I'm sorry to hear this, you must have been crushed. You can be sympathetic to the addiction but your life together has been a lie and you'll never get that trust back. Cut your losses now or you'll live a life of resentment and heartbreak it will happen again...trust me, I'm 30 years down the line and wish I'd been brave enough years ago. Your DC is too young to be affected and you will find happiness again. I wish you all the luck in the world. Be strong, be brave and listen to your head. X

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/07/2022 06:52

I would seek legal advice re separation and divorce asap. If there is no trust there is no relationship

what do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

it’s all very well being empathetic to addiction but enabling him as you have only gives you a false sense of control. It also does not help him or you. He needs to seek help without any input from you to do this.

You for your own part cannot. and should not act as a rehab centre to such a man. Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one .

KangarooKenny · 15/07/2022 06:56

You need to leave him. He won’t change, he is an addict.
He will continue to drag you down and bleed you dry as long as you are together, and your child will grow up with this.
You will never be able to trust him.

Amei · 15/07/2022 07:02

Hey OP.

My partner was a gambling addict. When my baby was a few weeks old I found his bank statements and he had been gambling over £1000 daily and he had nothing.

I gave him two choices - gambling or his family, I made him well aware that if he ever puts one more bet on he would be thrown out instantly. He hasn't since bet. He simply went cold turkey.

I also have a friend whose brother was the same, he gambled everything and ended up in thousands of debt. He's also managed to turn his life around so it can be done but it's hard.

I honestly went ballistic when I found out, I told him he was an embarrassment, that he was spending money for the baby on bet365, that he was a joke, that I couldn't bare to look at him ect. I felt bad after but I was on SMP earning £600 a month whilst he was blowing £1000 daily but telling me he couldn't afford to buy the food shopping ect.

It look me a LONG time to stop resenting him for it and I've only just started getting over it.

Hope everything works out xx

bluejelly · 15/07/2022 07:05

I left my gambling ex and it was the best thing I ever did. Gambling is horrible and pernicious. I would get out whilst you can. Flowers

TheTeenageYears · 15/07/2022 07:10

I can't offer anything on the gambling front but where did the inheritance come from? If it wasn't from his family there is no way I could get past that.

TooHotToTangoToo · 15/07/2022 07:12

The one thing I would suggest to you is, no matter what you do, you divorce him. Even if you stay together. This financially unlinks you, if he gets into debt again and you're still married you are liable for help the debt.

This might give him the wake up call he needs (if you stay).

However I'd really struggle to stay with someone who lied to me about this for years, and has removed any chance of being financially stable for the foreseeable future

Minimalme · 15/07/2022 07:13

Was the crime he was accused of financial op?

He may have been cleared but if he has been gambling for all that time then you can bet there is more rot for you to discover.

For the sake of your child you need to divorce this man. I would imagine his credit rating is shot and as a married couple, your files will be linked.

Don't stay married. He is a big drinker, a gambler and a liar - he will drag you down until you both hit the bottom.

something2say · 15/07/2022 07:23

I don't have any advice, BUT......£30 grand wasted like that. I would be livid. I am sorry but I think he is a liability and poses you risk.

Herejustforthisone · 15/07/2022 07:49

Was the inheritance from your family or his, @knowwhentofoldem ?

My advice would be to leave. Some addicts get a handle on it. Most don’t. I suspect your life and your baby’s life are going to be awful, stressful and poverty stricken if you stay.

boupdeflouff · 15/07/2022 07:55

I also think it matters whose inheritance it was.

I am so sorry. The thing is, you cannot manage him. He is a grown man. He needs to step up.

I would actually start legal proceedings to divorce. Asap, so that you cannot be legally tied to this man. You need to protect yourself and the future of your child.

Then, and only if he is showing signs (bit you forcing him!) that he is willing to work to recovery for alcohol abuse and gambling, would I even consider a future with him. But that is a big if.

Good luck. I imagine you feel pretty awful at the moment. Concentrate on being kind to yourself and your little one

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/07/2022 07:59

I would struggle to get past this. Is the inheritance from your family OP-meant for you to have a life changing opportunity? If so, I would be done.

hattie43 · 15/07/2022 08:01

I'm not one to say LTB at a drop of a hat but once the trust has gone it's hard to recover . Besides it's worst now because you cannot become homeless with a child you have to know he would never put your well-being at risk .
The biggest problem though is he hid it from you and had this inheritance not come through would he ever have told you or maybe not until the bailiffs were on the doorstep , it's pretty low to take your child's money presumably gifts from family : friends .

No he's not a keeper

fedup078 · 15/07/2022 08:19

Oh this is terrible
I hope the inheritance was from his side
I think you need to split even if only temporary and he needs to get help and prove himself before you try again
I've been there
Unfortunately it didn't end well and we are now divorcing but my god life is much less stressful now

bloodyunicorns · 15/07/2022 08:28

You are not responsible for him. I'd have taken the inheritance and left him. He can pay off his own bloody debts.

Are you going to stay with him? If so, why?

Footbal · 15/07/2022 08:34

You need to leave OP. This is only the start ,he will drag you down with him. My DF had a gambling addiction,my mother left him when she knew he was going to gamble our house away. It wasn't easy,she had to work three jobs and my childhood from the age of 11 was consumed with minding my two younger siblings as she had to work. My father never paid maintenance or contributed to anything.

In the end he gambled two business's,an apartment (which was literally the roof over his head) , numerous cars, savings and borrowed thousands. Our family home would gave been gambled too if he had the chance. We worked out he gambled in the region of 3 million.. He died at 40 living in his mother's house and sleeping on a camp bed in her sitting room.

Please leave now and don't put your child through what I went through.

steppemum · 15/07/2022 08:45

I'm so sorry, what an awful awful situation.

I think for me the issue would be the ongoing lying for years and years.
That whole scenario around planning for the future when he knew the money would go on paying off debt.

I do know one person who turned it round, but I think it is rare and I think you will spend the rest of your life worrying about him and lying and debt.

Personally I would have to leave. I couldn't continue with knowing that so much of what you have built together is based on a lie.

And I'm afriad that if that inheritance had come from my family, I would not have used it to pay off his debt. I would have moved it into my back account and then used it to start again with my dc.

Arewethebadguys · 15/07/2022 15:09

KangarooKenny · 15/07/2022 06:56

You need to leave him. He won’t change, he is an addict.
He will continue to drag you down and bleed you dry as long as you are together, and your child will grow up with this.
You will never be able to trust him.

Every bit of this

Wallywobbles · 15/07/2022 17:11

Whose inheritance was it that you used to pay off the debt. I sincerely hope it was his.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2022 17:17

This man will totally destroy your life, that's what gambling addicts do. Get divorced from him as quickly as possible, and make sure he hasn't used your identity to open credit cards.

My cousin's ex-husband ruin her life with his gambling, and she stayed with him, trying to "help" him for far, far too long. There is no helping people with addiction. Don't make the same mistake.

GreenManalishi · 15/07/2022 17:29

Hell no....he wouldn't get the chance to fool me twice.

You're financially vulnerable as you are married and any debts as well as assets are marital, which is ridiculous but true. Your little one is young enough to adapt well, get yourself out of there while the going is still relatively good.

He sounds like a loose unit, and spending the rest of your life with him explaining his behaviour to DC sounds miserable. I'm sorry.

HollowTalk · 15/07/2022 17:34

Whose inheritance was it? He wouldn't have had a penny of mine.

Fairislefandango · 15/07/2022 17:41

If he had come clean about the gambling before, voluntarily, without knowing about the inheritance, and convincingly promised to get help and never gamble again, and if there were otherwise no problems in the marriage, then maybe... MAYBE it might be worth giving him one last chance.

But in these circumstances, no way. It sounds like your marriage had already deteriorated anyway, plus he's a problem drinker, behaved like an immature arse when your baby was born, and hid his gambling from you until he thought he could get away with coming clean due to the windfall. LTB.

Gassylady · 15/07/2022 17:43

I think id be leaving him and starting the divorce process. He has knowingly deceived you