Husband secret gambling and debt

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Both in our 30s. Married 4 years. Together 8. DC recently turned 1. Things are bad.

Bear with my for some recent back story: The relationship has struggled the last two years. We had a horrible 2020/1 - husband was charged and went on trial for a fairly serious crime. It was a false accusation. He was eventually cleared just before our DC was born last year. During that period were both suffered terrible stress and anxiety and needed a lot of mutual support, and we became more like best friends than a couple.

Since DC was born there has been the usual challenges of having a newborn. Physically things have been virtually non-existent.

Further to this, Husband has always been a big binge drinker, and he hacked me off majorly with a few big nights out not long after DC was born. One was 14 hours long when DC was only 8 weeks old. Weeks later whilst drunk he vomited in our only bathroom sink and blocked it for the night. I've lost a lot of respect for him over the last year or so because of his failure to grow the F up once we had a child.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. We had literally that day inherited a large sum of money. We had been aware of the incoming funds for literally 2 years. We had talked AT LENGTH of big big plans for it. House purchase, investment, move away, change jobs. Proper "change our lives" type of plans. The day the money landed in the bank he told me had been secretly gambling on online slot machines for the last 5 years and was in 30k of debt over various credit cards, loans and overdrafts. We do not have a joint account. I was completely unaware. I have never seen him so much as place a bet on the Grand National. I was absolutely blind sided.

He is calling it an addiction however for the absolute vast majority of it, he has been drunk when he has been doing it, and long periods of time passed between some bouts. In February this year he voluntarily banned himself from all the gambling sites he is aware of. He is trying to find a therapist for addiction therapy. I have taken control of his bank account and his credit file to make sure he creates no more debt.

It's been 2 weeks and I still don't know what I actually feel/think/want.
We have spent the vast majority of the inheritance paying his debt off.
He watched me plan our future lives for the last two years. He encouraged me to dream even though he knew it couldn't happen.
He emptied our DC's savings account a few months back to cover his payments.
He's been keeping this from me since before our wedding. Our whole 4 years of marriage, this has been a secret from me.
I am very empathetic with addiction and I am trying to be supportive and help him get help, but i'm also absolutely furious, I have no faith or trust in him left. I don't want to buy a house with him incase he gets us in more debt. I don't want financially tied to him ( we are not yet financially linked on credit files) incase he drags my credit down with him.
He only told me when he did because he knew we could pay it off.
He thought I'd leave him but I haven't, because in my heart I want us to be a family. But in my head I don't think this can ever survive. I have withdrawn from him so much over the last 2 weeks. Can't even bring myself to peck him on the lips.

I'm looking for perspective. Opinions. Advice. Anything.
It still hasn't sunk in. I don't think i'll ever get over him spunking 30 grand up the wall. What to do?

@IncessantNameChanger I thought the same about my partner, but even with defaults on payday loans he's managed to keep his credit card throughout, and a few years on he's managed to get a mortgage approved. With a normal high street company and a good interest rate.

For anyone with payday loans you can register a complaint now, and they have to refund the interest in some circumstances. He got a cheque recently for a few thousand pounds and the payday loans removed from his credit

You will forever be wondering if he's landing you in this situation again if you stay.
He stole money from your child there's no coming back from that and he was able to hide everything so well that you didn't know for 5 years!
Thats a lot of betrayal.
I'd leave. I'm a single mum and it's not easy but it's so much better then living with someone you can't trust.

Why why why set yourself up for a life of potential misery? He’s a binge drinker and no sex to boot. £30k - that’s assuming it is limited to that - represents SO much potential pleasure: holidays, decent clothes, being free from petty financial worries, meals out, days out, your child’s hobbies and interests, yours too.

There are millions of men in the world. Billions actually. Why are women determined to hang on to one who brings a world of grief with them?

He may be the father of your child but so what. He can still fulfill this role separately without dragging you both down. He stole from your child remember. (Maybe when he loses you he will even focus on solving his problems more. But that isn’t your responsibility). Regardless, you are young enough to start again. Free from someone who has lied to and stolen from you for years.

Good Afternoon
My DD just left her marriage due to the fact her husband gambled. She gave him three chances before she walked out. He only attended two gambling anonymous meetings but did go to counselling. He lied to her on so many occasions and has lied to the solicitor as well. Thankfully my DD has statements to prove otherwise.
I think this would be almost impossible for you to get past. He has lied to you for four years. You would always be looking over your shoulder. Bless you it’s such a difficult decision but I think from what you are saying deep down you know this marriage is over.
You will be OK hold your head up high and walk away. Think of your beautiful child and know that you are protecting them from a life free from lies!
I wish you well xx

Hello. Just dropping in here to say that we’ve got a Q&A live in Money Matters about debt with debt charity Stepchange. No question is too stupid - so don’t hesitate to ask the experts about any aspect of debt or managing money worries.

I feel so sorry for your child.

Born into a family where his father is a thief, who would steal from his own child.

This is your life and it will only get a lot worse.

Of the tiny percentage of gamblers that recover, the vast majority relapse, hide debt, and drag their family's into the guttet with them.

If you stay with him, you will never know peace.
You will never trust him and if you do, you will be so foolish to.

Your loyalty is not to him.
That died when this shit came to light.

Your loyalty is to that poor child that has been born into this shit show.

Stop thinking about him and feeling sorry for him.

He has dragged you down so low and this is where you will stay unless you cop yourself on and realise that you CANNOT fix this.

You have a life ahead of you that can be happy and joyous with your child.

Divorce him asap.

Leave him to HIS shit show.

Take your precious child and save yourself.

I am nearly 60 and I promise you that you will bitterly regret staying with a conniving, liar and thief.

I don't care when people say it's the addiction, that is just convenient for them to excuse all the awful things they do.

Not ALL gamblers steal from their children but yours did.

Make the tough, brave decision to get away from him.

Don't throw your life and that of your child's away on this man.

He's simply not worth it.

Apologies for being harsh but you need to wake up and protect yourself.

Contact gambling support organisations for families.......the stories are chilling of the absolute misery of those who stayed.

OP what a rotten situation, I'm so sorry

What fascinates me about behaviourlike this is that some of it is brain chemistry. There are some Parkinson's drugs that you can't prescribe without warning the family to lock all the money away!

However, your DH is such a bad man that even when alerted to the situation, his only interest (it appears) is protecting his game

I don't know what advice to offer you for surviving this horrible situation, except to bear in mind that he is clearly not the man you love. The man you love, sadly, is a figment of your imagination and desires. In your position, I'd be doing my best to get my head round this and separating dream from reality. He sounds utterly ruthless.

How painful for you! Yet, also, how liberating, if you see it clearly ...

you say ‘we’ inherited money. that would be fairly unusual. do you mean he inherited money? or you?