Husband secret gambling and debt

[knowwhentofoldem]

Both in our 30s. Married 4 years. Together 8. DC recently turned 1. Things are bad.

Bear with my for some recent back story: The relationship has struggled the last two years. We had a horrible 2020/1 - husband was charged and went on trial for a fairly serious crime. It was a false accusation. He was eventually cleared just before our DC was born last year. During that period were both suffered terrible stress and anxiety and needed a lot of mutual support, and we became more like best friends than a couple.

Since DC was born there has been the usual challenges of having a newborn. Physically things have been virtually non-existent.

Further to this, Husband has always been a big binge drinker, and he hacked me off majorly with a few big nights out not long after DC was born. One was 14 hours long when DC was only 8 weeks old. Weeks later whilst drunk he vomited in our only bathroom sink and blocked it for the night. I've lost a lot of respect for him over the last year or so because of his failure to grow the F up once we had a child.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. We had literally that day inherited a large sum of money. We had been aware of the incoming funds for literally 2 years. We had talked AT LENGTH of big big plans for it. House purchase, investment, move away, change jobs. Proper "change our lives" type of plans. The day the money landed in the bank he told me had been secretly gambling on online slot machines for the last 5 years and was in 30k of debt over various credit cards, loans and overdrafts. We do not have a joint account. I was completely unaware. I have never seen him so much as place a bet on the Grand National. I was absolutely blind sided.

He is calling it an addiction however for the absolute vast majority of it, he has been drunk when he has been doing it, and long periods of time passed between some bouts. In February this year he voluntarily banned himself from all the gambling sites he is aware of. He is trying to find a therapist for addiction therapy. I have taken control of his bank account and his credit file to make sure he creates no more debt.

It's been 2 weeks and I still don't know what I actually feel/think/want.
We have spent the vast majority of the inheritance paying his debt off.
He watched me plan our future lives for the last two years. He encouraged me to dream even though he knew it couldn't happen.
He emptied our DC's savings account a few months back to cover his payments.
He's been keeping this from me since before our wedding. Our whole 4 years of marriage, this has been a secret from me.
I am very empathetic with addiction and I am trying to be supportive and help him get help, but i'm also absolutely furious, I have no faith or trust in him left. I don't want to buy a house with him incase he gets us in more debt. I don't want financially tied to him ( we are not yet financially linked on credit files) incase he drags my credit down with him.
He only told me when he did because he knew we could pay it off.
He thought I'd leave him but I haven't, because in my heart I want us to be a family. But in my head I don't think this can ever survive. I have withdrawn from him so much over the last 2 weeks. Can't even bring myself to peck him on the lips.

I'm looking for perspective. Opinions. Advice. Anything.
It still hasn't sunk in. I don't think i'll ever get over him spunking 30 grand up the wall. What to do?

Having been married to an addict (drugs not gambling although huge debts were part of it) the only thing you can do is leave. You will not have a moment of peace as long as you stay with him, you and your child will both be traumatised. You cannot help him.

I was a gambling addict - it’s 4 years since I last gambled.

it was online slots, my husband knew nothing, I was £23k in debt.

I felt suicidal, so I told him about the addiction - but not the scale of the debt. For a while he had control of finances. I then found “Gam Stop” which blocked me from all sites, and I’ve not gambled since.

I have £4k of debt left to pay, I have paid it all myself. I am the primary earner, so have paid it off alongside ensuring I can pay my parts of the bills.

You can stop, you have to want to, and you need the opportunity and ability to be removed.

Not all gambling addicts are hopeless cases, as I said earlier it’s been 4 years for me .. and absolutely no desire to go back

I found out similarly my partner had been a gambler for years and had lost 10s of thousands. I also was so upset at all of the lies, and we very nearly broke up. We couldn't buy the house we'd offered on as he'd spent half our deposit- it was so embarrassing. Like @ExtraOnion he went cold turkey and it has now been years since he gambled. There's counselling available with Gam Anon, meetings etc. It can happen. Our relationship is much better now. The drinking can be a way to cope with the stress of the gambling apparently.

However, def speak to someone about how to protect yourself - there's resources available. I still make sure I can support and family myself fully, just in case there's a relapse. Advice I was given - divorce so your finances aren't linked, make him pay back everything (he needs accountability), control the finances and get his wage transferred into your account. For the 1st year or so I had to give him pocket money.

Gambling has a huge relapse rate so you do have to be vigilant to protect to yourself and children. That's something that you'll have to decide if you can always be if you want the relationship to continue

@TheTeenageYears @Herejustforthisone @boupdeflouff
@MrsElijahMikaelson1 @Wallywobbles @HollowTalk it was his inheritance. I'm not the type to feel entitled to something. I don't even know if inheritance falls under the usual "what's mine is yours" laws of marriage, but I imagine it does. Either way, it's the fact we were going to share it for us all as a family and he knew that whole time it wasn't going to be. That's what kills me.

@TooHotToTangoToo i am seriously considering the divorce regardless. At the moment by checking his credit files and bank account i know he's doing nothing, but I can't do it forever. It's no life.

@Minimalme no it wasn't financial crime. He's been very clever not to miss payments and juggle things. And steal from our child obviously, to cover bills. To ensure his credit isn't that bad. It's not great, but it's not awful by a long stretch. Surprisingly.

@Amei thanks for sharing and giving perspective. How long ago was this? I'm just interested to know how long it's taken you to be getting past it. Well done for getting through it all.

@ExtraOnion thanks so much for the perspective from the opposite side. I truly hope my husband can do what you have done, whether I am with him or not in future, I don't want a bad life for him. Husband has used Gam Stop. Have you had any therapy or have you managed it yourself with your own willpower etc? Well done for beating it. Seeing the state of my husband recently I know now it's a burden. My husband seems to really hate himself just now.

@A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 did you divorce as advised? Thanks for your input. It's comforting to not be alone in this. My biggest fear is that if I stay and there's a relapse. And say we've moved to a bigger house and everythjng is worse because our bills are bigger. Struggling to see a future in that way.

That's awful. I'm sorry you have been through all that. That's the nightmare. That sum of money is huge.
@Footbal

For those asking why I'm not running for hills. I don't really know. I guess it's seeing the state he's in. The state he was when he told me. It's everything suddenly making sense about some of his behaviour the last year or so when the debt really piled up. It's knowing he stopped gambling in February without any help. He said I've trawled his bank statements, so I know he really did. That gives me some hope that actually he can stop. I guess I want him to work on it, finally stop drinking and we can be a family. He is a very good husband in a lot of ways but I know that won't keep me warm at night if he returns to it and racks up debt again. I keep envisaging life if we split and he relapses and I have this nightmare ex who has rights to my child. Or maybe we split and he doesn't relapse. And then both those scenarios if we stay together. I wish wish wish he would never relapse, learn from his mistakes, give up drinking. If those things happened I believe we could be happy. But I can never know that until I do it. I am probably a bloody mug even considering it. We have been so happy together, that's all.

Can I just check —- you did see evidence of his debts and where your money was paid to? ( he couldn’t have invented the gambling debts, therefore getting the 30k paid into an account he has elsewhere?)

I really don’t see how yoyr marriage is recoverable from his behaviour, which is horrible ( nights out leaving you with a newborn, vomiting when drunk etc)

I too had a double addict, the alcohol lead to the gambling. Be aware the gambling may get worse when you leave. Unless he gets help for the double addiction and never drinks or gambles again I would just leave. How will you ever relax? Don't stay thinking it will get better. He has to want this more than you.

@Tulpabean we weren't married. I did everything I could to disconnect our finances, and bought a smaller place in my name only. He also hated himself, and it was horrible seeing him so low. He said it was almost a relief it coming out, as pretending everything was okay and trying to replace/win back the money was immense stress and spiralling.

It's not been easy but we are a few years on. We are buying a place together. I will never marry him, but I've relaxed about it somewhat m. I'll always make sure I can cover bills on my own and can take care of my baby and dog financially myself.

I get what you mean about the waste of the money completely. I'm so angry sometimes about the wasted money, and the wasted opportunities. Even if it went to charity and did something good. Rather than there being literally nothing good to show for it at all. I still have to bite my tongue not to throw it back at him in arguments sometimes.

His drinking is also an issue. He needs to address that too as its when he is drunk he gambles. So needs AA or GA big time and be ready to face both. That's a lot but can be done

This happened to a close friend of mine. She stayed, but has taken full control of the finances. He can’t buy a coffee without her knowing.

They had six months of marriage counseling, too.

They will never be able to buy because of what he did.

Its been four years and he hasn’t relapsed.

I don’t think I could have stayed. The e tent of the lying is just too much.

You are in your 30’s. That is so young . You have the chance to have a great life .
Leave.

If my husband had stolen from DS’s savings account I could never forgive him. I can forgive a lot but stealing from our baby.

I worry him clearing his debts with this inheritance will not make him realize the severity of his actions and he will do it again .

This man will ruin your and your DC’s life . What would have happened if he hadn’t inherited???? Think of that situation ?

You deserve more than this man child . I’m sorry but surely you can’t stay with this man and willingly ruin yours and DC life ?

You say
we became more like best friends than a couple.

Physically things have been virtually non-existent.

Husband has always been a big binge drinker, and he hacked me off majorly with a few big nights out not long after DC was born. One was 14 hours long when DC was only 8 weeks old.

Weeks later whilst drunk he vomited in our only bathroom sink and blocked it for the night. I've lost a lot of respect for him over the last year or so because of his failure to grow the F up once we had a child.

This is before mentioning that this man put you in huge debt and has lied to you and ruined your future plans.

If you step back - this is absolutely horrendous. Please see your value. You don’t deserve a life like this and neither does your child.

He’s absolutely broken your trust and your future together. Don’t stay with him, don’t trust him again, and divorce him

Get out and get divorced. Even just for now. As above you need to split those finances legally.

i am sure there were happy times but was he lying to you throughout? You can do this on your own and be a happy, brilliant parent to your children. If it’s just you, there’s no one to let them down.

Sorry you're in this horrible situation OP. Up to you if you stay with him, here's just a few things from experience if it's helpful.

Addicts will only stop if they truly want to. You can't make them do it.

Saying they will change is not the same as actually doing it - behaviour matters, not words.

Be prepared that they may relapse more than once on the way to recovery.

Your needs will often be sidelined to prioritise them and their addiction/recovery.

I have a lot of sympathy for addicts. If you do decide to stay go in with firm boundaries and your eyes open.

I would take what is left of the money and leave him. He will ruin you.

My ex was a gambler. He gambled every single day. He begrudged us having necessities because that was less for him. He would hide the car from me so I would think he was at work and he would be gambling.

I gave him an ultimatum. Gambling or me and his baby. And he just SHRUGGED.

He was a pathetic excuse for a person. He only felt sorry for himself. He didnt see why he should have to help support his DC.

I wish I had never set eyes on him.

Your DH actively hid this from you for years. It is cruel he let you dream.

I think you should divorce him whether or no you continue the relationship. You need to keep your finances separate and you can’t do that when you are married.

My husband got into debt and I didn’t know. His wages are paid into my account now. He contacted step change and paid the debt off via them. It won’t be cleared until March and it’s taken years. He had to really feel the pain of consequences. Which for us has been devastating. We can’t port our mortgage for example, unlikely we ever will as far as I can see.

The only way forward for me was him never paid into his account ever again. I think if he insisted he’s paid into his account once the dmp is paid off, that would be my deal breaker. IF he did that I’d only consider staying if we broke all financial ties ( sold houses and got divorced). Bottom line is protecting the kids. I think the humiliation of the dmp was a wake up call

Part of the issue, even if you can forgive him, is never being able to relax. He could be clean for 30 years, you buy a house, pay into pensions etc. and he could lose everything in a matter of hours. It may never happen but it always could happen and I couldn't cope with that.

Hi OP this man is an addict - there are many 12 step groups he can attend if he wants. They are free - just a small contribution if you wish - Gamblers Anonymous- Alcoholics Anonymous- it will be really hard work to stay with a man like this - really hard - did you grow up in a dysfunctional family - any addicts? We usually choose partners like this - if you did you will benefit from Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional families - there are on line meetings for all these groups. 🌺

Hey OP.

It wasn't actually very long ago, less than a year.

There's so many people responding telling you to leave him and that it will never change, and in many situations it may not. But I didn't want you to think that there was no hope if you do want to work towards it.

I honestly hated my partner at first, I couldn't bare to even look at him. I think it helped by getting exactly how I felt off my chest, I told him exactly how much I hated him, how much of a joke I thought he was ect. I wish I hadn't said some things but I was so so mad.

I've made him block transactions to betting websites online, he has a £10 spending cap on his phone per month (for stuff outside what his contract covers) as they end up sucked in on stupid stuff like texting the radio to win money and I'm 99% sure he doesn't go into betting shops.

I can see how easy it is for someone to be sucked into it. People commit suicide over it. It shouldn't be allowed but that's besides the point I guess xx

I feel sad for you OP. Yours hopes and dreams and as you say £30k pissed up the wall. Stolen from you.

I would leave him. See a solicitor immediately to draw up a deed of separation to separate your finances and protect yourself as much as you can whilst the divorce goes through.

A gambler with addiction tendencies has the overnight capacity to leave you and your DC destitute and homeless and with future years of debt round your neck. That’s the reality, whatever their other qualities. I’d never put myself in that vulnerable position. I hope you find the strength to protect yourself

I feel sad for you too.
You’ll never trust him again, ever. Is that the future you want for you and your child? I couldn’t do it

". He said I've trawled his bank statements, so I know he really did. "

I'd be querying this- that sounds like code for " so I won't mention the secret accounts/cards and it won't count as a lie".
That is a really suspect thing for him to say.

That's the good thing about a dmp. It picks up all of the debt, ruins your credit rating. I'm hoping my dp will never be able to get a credit card again but unfortunately I think he could. I dont think right now he could even get credit to buy a new phone.