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Original poster

DP and his ‘ex’ wife…why is he letting his strings be pulled?!

53 replies

Pook84 · 14/07/2022 17:34

I know there’s part of me that’s being super sensitive and unreasonable here but……..

With DP 3 years, I was divorced for 4 years previously and he was separated for 6 months but the ex was still in the process of moving out. Fast forward 3 years and we’ve just moved in together (last month) I have older DDs who live away from home, he has 3 DCs who he has 40% of the time. He’s still not divorced…in the process of saving up although told me a year ago when we planned moving in that he’d be on with it by the time I moved in. He knows I hate the fact I live with a ‘married’ man and he knows how to solve it! Neither of us have any plans in getting remarried for many, many years.
His ex is very controlling, constant texts asking above and beyond from him, he will never ask for the slightest deviation to assist us though, he muddled through with help from his parents or very occasionally me (in no way uses me as a babysitter.) Its constant demands off her, he says no, she wears him down, he says yes and then I have to alter my plans to accommodate? Is this normal?! Have I now got this for the next 18 years?!
I love him and he loves me, I can see him pulled in all directions and I try realllllly hard to keep my mouth shut but it’s very hard playing second fiddle and having my life disrupted when all it would take is a ‘no’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
50mg · 14/07/2022 17:42

If you don't want to live with a married man, don't.

He hasn't divorced because he doesn't want to.

What possessed you taking up with a man who hasn't moved out of the marital home?!

Presumably he's a functioning adult, he lets ex "control" him because that how he wants it/that's what he wants to tell you

I'm sorry to sound unsympathetic, but this had red flags all over it from day one.

Edwardoo · 14/07/2022 17:44

Did he cheat on her? Do you think it's guilt? Could he still be in love with her?

godmum56 · 14/07/2022 17:45

don't listen to what he says, look at what he does!

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2022 17:46

You didn't want to live with a married man, yet you are. You've made a huge mistake.

GinIronic · 14/07/2022 17:47

He is not your DP. He is someone's husband.

Runningdownthehill22 · 14/07/2022 17:47

The ex is ‘controlling’ and texts him all the time. All the more reason for him to get on with the divorce!

Original poster
Pook84 · 14/07/2022 17:47

50mg · 14/07/2022 17:42

If you don't want to live with a married man, don't.

He hasn't divorced because he doesn't want to.

What possessed you taking up with a man who hasn't moved out of the marital home?!

Presumably he's a functioning adult, he lets ex "control" him because that how he wants it/that's what he wants to tell you

I'm sorry to sound unsympathetic, but this had red flags all over it from day one.

She moved out of the home about 4 weeks after we met due to a house purchase
I agree about the divorcing thing…if he wanted too he would have
Red flags everywhere…I know I’ve made a mistake ☹️

OP posts:
Mythril · 14/07/2022 17:48

Have I now got this for the next 18 years?!

Sounds like it. He's stayed married to her and runs around after her. This doesn't seem like a great situation for you.

Original poster
Pook84 · 14/07/2022 17:48

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2022 17:46

You didn't want to live with a married man, yet you are. You've made a huge mistake.

He promised me by the time I moved in he’d be on with the divorce, I got swept up in it all

OP posts:
Original poster
Pook84 · 14/07/2022 17:49

godmum56 · 14/07/2022 17:45

don't listen to what he says, look at what he does!

🙌🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
Pook84 · 14/07/2022 17:50

GinIronic · 14/07/2022 17:47

He is not your DP. He is someone's husband.

I know, I hate it and he knows I hate it

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2022 17:51

Pook84 · 14/07/2022 17:48

He promised me by the time I moved in he’d be on with the divorce, I got swept up in it all

Show quote history

Unsweep yourself. This is the bullshit that you will continue to deal with because this man won't be changing and he's clearly not getting divorced.

ZaraSizeMedium · 14/07/2022 17:51

Has he moved into your house?

Ask him to move back out again until he's no longer married.

limitededitionbarbie · 14/07/2022 17:51

Moved in - you haven't bought a house together have you as if you have the house you live in will become a marital asset when they divorce. His half anyway.

Original poster
Pook84 · 14/07/2022 17:52

limitededitionbarbie · 14/07/2022 17:51

Moved in - you haven't bought a house together have you as if you have the house you live in will become a marital asset when they divorce. His half anyway.

I’m in his house…

OP posts:
50mg · 14/07/2022 17:54

At least tell us he's sorted a will? You realise everything he has goes to his wife otherwise?

limitededitionbarbie · 14/07/2022 17:55

@Pook84

Ok that's good then from that point of view.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2022 17:55

Pook84 · 14/07/2022 17:52

I’m in his house…

Show quote history

You moved into his and his wife's house. They're still married. Sorry, that's kind of grim, op.

Runningdownthehill22 · 14/07/2022 17:56

Do you think he would get on with the divorce if you moved out and said it was a condition of you moving in together? ( It sounds like he would still be making excuses.)

Original poster
Pook84 · 14/07/2022 17:57

50mg · 14/07/2022 17:54

At least tell us he's sorted a will? You realise everything he has goes to his wife otherwise?

I know…that’s something he says he’s on with too. All these things I have raised there’s always a work or money issue (he has the money) I’m being made to feel guilty asking him to free himself to protect us as a couple! I know the answer to all this ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
Pook84 · 14/07/2022 17:57

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2022 17:55

You moved into his and his wife's house. They're still married. Sorry, that's kind of grim, op.

Show quote history

Noooooo he bought her out, the house is his

OP posts:
MrsGluck · 14/07/2022 17:58

If you are in his house you need to move out again. He is not available to be in a real relationship with you because he is still tied to his wife. If/when he is divorced, you might reconsider.

Original poster
Pook84 · 14/07/2022 18:00

Runningdownthehill22 · 14/07/2022 17:56

Do you think he would get on with the divorce if you moved out and said it was a condition of you moving in together? ( It sounds like he would still be making excuses.)

I’m currently staying in a hotel as that’s what I’ve said. Enough is enough, there’s still obviously something keeping them married (I know for sure it’s not romantic - been burned before so can spot it a mile off) I’m staying here for a few days and have given him an ultimatum, I feel horrible doing it but had enough now

OP posts:
MrsGluck · 14/07/2022 18:00

he bought her out, the house is his

Not really. If they are not divorced, the house is still a marital asset.

Original poster
Pook84 · 14/07/2022 18:01

MrsGluck · 14/07/2022 17:58

If you are in his house you need to move out again. He is not available to be in a real relationship with you because he is still tied to his wife. If/when he is divorced, you might reconsider.

Completely agree and this has been my consistent message to him

OP posts: