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Original poster

DP and his ‘ex’ wife…why is he letting his strings be pulled?!

53 replies

Pook84 · 14/07/2022 17:34

I know there’s part of me that’s being super sensitive and unreasonable here but……..

With DP 3 years, I was divorced for 4 years previously and he was separated for 6 months but the ex was still in the process of moving out. Fast forward 3 years and we’ve just moved in together (last month) I have older DDs who live away from home, he has 3 DCs who he has 40% of the time. He’s still not divorced…in the process of saving up although told me a year ago when we planned moving in that he’d be on with it by the time I moved in. He knows I hate the fact I live with a ‘married’ man and he knows how to solve it! Neither of us have any plans in getting remarried for many, many years.
His ex is very controlling, constant texts asking above and beyond from him, he will never ask for the slightest deviation to assist us though, he muddled through with help from his parents or very occasionally me (in no way uses me as a babysitter.) Its constant demands off her, he says no, she wears him down, he says yes and then I have to alter my plans to accommodate? Is this normal?! Have I now got this for the next 18 years?!
I love him and he loves me, I can see him pulled in all directions and I try realllllly hard to keep my mouth shut but it’s very hard playing second fiddle and having my life disrupted when all it would take is a ‘no’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
50mg · 14/07/2022 18:01

Pook84 · 14/07/2022 17:57

Noooooo he bought her out, the house is his

Show quote history

Which she will inherit...

lunar1 · 14/07/2022 18:01

It really doesn't cost that much to divorce.

Have you given up your home to live with this man?

Runningdownthehill22 · 14/07/2022 18:04

So how has he reacted to you moving out?

Original poster
Pook84 · 14/07/2022 18:06

lunar1 · 14/07/2022 18:01

It really doesn't cost that much to divorce.

Have you given up your home to live with this man?

I know…cost me £600 and a few weeks work

Yes I have

OP posts:
Original poster
Pook84 · 14/07/2022 18:08

Runningdownthehill22 · 14/07/2022 18:04

So how has he reacted to you moving out?

Lots of ‘I love you’ ‘we have such a lovely life’ ‘your my number one’ ‘I’ll sort the divorce after the holiday’
I’ve said no, enough is enough

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 14/07/2022 18:09

He knows I hate the fact I live with a ‘married’ man and he knows how to solve it!

And yet, and yet...

Original poster
Pook84 · 14/07/2022 18:09

50mg · 14/07/2022 18:01

Which she will inherit...

Show quote history

I know…he knows, he knows how it makes me feel 🤷🏻‍♀️
For someone who is on paper clued up and strong I know I’m coming across on here as an absolute doormat 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 14/07/2022 18:10

Yeah, move back out again.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/07/2022 18:19

You can stop being a doormat. Make continuing the relationship conditional on him being divorced. Not just filing papers but it being completed. And don’t bank on that making him grow a backbone. If she’s yanking his chain it’s because he’s letting her. He’s choosing to prioritise her wishes over yours, which is no way to treat a serious committed partner he says he sees a future with.

CallOnMe · 14/07/2022 18:21

You shouldn’t have moved in with him until he got divorced. He literally has no reason to now.

Honestly it sounds like she is making things difficult for him to get a divorce but that’s not your problem.

If they’d only been separated a few months then I can see why he’s in a difficult situation but it’s been 3 years now so he needs to start putting his foot down more.

I personally would keep the relationship going for now but get my own place.
If this is still happening in another 6 months and he’s still not got divorced then I wouldn’t waste any more of my time.

Original poster
Pook84 · 14/07/2022 18:24

CallOnMe · 14/07/2022 18:21

You shouldn’t have moved in with him until he got divorced. He literally has no reason to now.

Honestly it sounds like she is making things difficult for him to get a divorce but that’s not your problem.

If they’d only been separated a few months then I can see why he’s in a difficult situation but it’s been 3 years now so he needs to start putting his foot down more.

I personally would keep the relationship going for now but get my own place.
If this is still happening in another 6 months and he’s still not got divorced then I wouldn’t waste any more of my time.

I’d originally said I’d like it to be done by the end of the year (baring in mind he’d promised it would be sorted by the time I’d moved in)

Now with the way she is it’s making me very uncomfortable and it’s asap or we’re done, his excuses don’t ring true anymore! It’s weird…how can he expect me to be completely happy and secure if he’s still married…am I the unreasonable one?!?

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 14/07/2022 18:30

Move out again.
told me a year ago when we planned moving in that he’d be on with it by the time I moved in.
He told you this, it was a lie, yet you moved in anyway.

He knows I hate the fact I live with a ‘married’ man and he knows how to solve it! Neither of us have any plans in getting remarried for many, many years.
His ex is very controlling,
Really?
I think HE sounds controlling.
Also manipulative. He has Future Faked you.

Have I now got this for the next 18 years?!
Yes.
You have shown him he can lie to you, place you second to his wife, & you will carry on acting the devoted g/f. So why would he change?

I love him and he loves me,
Does he?
He loves the fact that you love him, allow him to lie to you, & allow him to continue pandering to his wife.

I can see him pulled in all directions and I try realllllly hard to keep my mouth shut but it’s very hard playing second fiddle and having my life disrupted when all it would take is a ‘no’
You are correct about the "no".
But it does not need to come from him - it needs to be from you. "NO I will not live with a married man. NO I will not play second fiddle. NO I will not have my/our plans disrupted because your wife has snapped her fingers at you."

You were naive to move in with him when he failed to divorce his wife.
The best thing you can do is clearly signal that you are a woman of your word, & move back out again. Whether you want to then keep dating him is up to you - but he's not much of a catch. He has no respect for you, that makes him a dud.

Leaving him will hurt, but only temporarily. Staying with him will open you up to years more disrespect & pain. He is making you play the "Pick-Me Dance" - stop dancing, & walk away. See link - I'm not suggesting he's still shagging his wife, but the principle is just the same - www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

KettrickenSmiled · 14/07/2022 18:34

Pook84 · 14/07/2022 17:57

Noooooo he bought her out, the house is his

Show quote history

Hmmm.

Has a financial settlement/buy-out arrangement, but not a divorce?
Something smells of bullshit OP.

If she is still his wife, she still owns half that house. No matter what he tells you.

FinallyHere · 14/07/2022 18:40

baring in mind he’d promised it would be sorted by the time I’d moved in

I'm very sorry, OP, I think you have been played. At what point did you accept that it wouldn't have happened by the time you moved in?

You can still move out any, can't you?

Triffid1 · 14/07/2022 18:42

Have you been paying to live in his house? Because while I'm normally a big fan of the non-owner person paying their share, even if it IS someone else's mortgage, in this case I'd be very dubious. I really hope that anything you were paying was LESS than whatever you paid when you lived alone.

Also, stop blaming the ex. She's not "controlling" because she should not have any power over him anymore. I know it's not as easy as that, but he is the one who needs to step up here. I'd say him not asking her for help/adaptations is a good thing - he's taking the responsibility for his kids etc - but if she's asking for things that are unreasonable, it's up to him to say no. Having said that, as loads of single women will testify - it's hard to do that if you think your DC will suffer as a result.

Original poster
Pook84 · 14/07/2022 18:46

Triffid1 · 14/07/2022 18:42

Have you been paying to live in his house? Because while I'm normally a big fan of the non-owner person paying their share, even if it IS someone else's mortgage, in this case I'd be very dubious. I really hope that anything you were paying was LESS than whatever you paid when you lived alone.

Also, stop blaming the ex. She's not "controlling" because she should not have any power over him anymore. I know it's not as easy as that, but he is the one who needs to step up here. I'd say him not asking her for help/adaptations is a good thing - he's taking the responsibility for his kids etc - but if she's asking for things that are unreasonable, it's up to him to say no. Having said that, as loads of single women will testify - it's hard to do that if you think your DC will suffer as a result.

I’ve paid 40% of all the bills (including his mortgage) it’s substantially less than I was paying when living alone. The plan was for me to be able to save but with the cost of living and fuel going up so much it’s been almost impossible to put anything away, leaving me in a very vulnerable position. We both discussed this before I moved in, he trusted me to have no financial interest in the house and I trusted him to not leave me homeless and penniless

OP posts:
Hotnashsummerday · 14/07/2022 18:47

You're in a bit of a mess OP. I wouldn't be concerned about what the ex-wife is doing/not doing but focusing on what your DP is doing.
I was in the exact same situation but i was the ex wife. Not yet divorced, H shacked up with his new girlfriend. He passed away and I got everything - money, all his possessions, including their shared possessions. Poor girlfriend got nothing. Be careful.

Original poster
Pook84 · 14/07/2022 18:48

Triffid1 · 14/07/2022 18:42

Have you been paying to live in his house? Because while I'm normally a big fan of the non-owner person paying their share, even if it IS someone else's mortgage, in this case I'd be very dubious. I really hope that anything you were paying was LESS than whatever you paid when you lived alone.

Also, stop blaming the ex. She's not "controlling" because she should not have any power over him anymore. I know it's not as easy as that, but he is the one who needs to step up here. I'd say him not asking her for help/adaptations is a good thing - he's taking the responsibility for his kids etc - but if she's asking for things that are unreasonable, it's up to him to say no. Having said that, as loads of single women will testify - it's hard to do that if you think your DC will suffer as a result.

Also to add the deviations requested from the ex are not urgent…they are along like the lines of ‘a night out’ ‘a hair appointment’ or ‘I’m stuck in sainsburys’

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 14/07/2022 18:49

Well, at least you were paying LESS than you would have if you lived alone, you can take that as an, admittedly small, win.

Original poster
Pook84 · 14/07/2022 18:50

Hotnashsummerday · 14/07/2022 18:47

You're in a bit of a mess OP. I wouldn't be concerned about what the ex-wife is doing/not doing but focusing on what your DP is doing.
I was in the exact same situation but i was the ex wife. Not yet divorced, H shacked up with his new girlfriend. He passed away and I got everything - money, all his possessions, including their shared possessions. Poor girlfriend got nothing. Be careful.

Heck that’s a warning if I’ve ever heard one!
Thats a horrendous situation and one we’ve discussed…makes no difference to what he does! 🤷🏻‍♀️
Hes had it straight though now…I need to start getting a backbone, embarrassing to have love blinkers on at my age 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Hutchy16 · 14/07/2022 19:10

@Hotnashsummerday had he cheated on you with the gf? I’d say Karma was definitely giving them what they deserved if so

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 14/07/2022 19:17

As well as Hotnash's warning, she could hoof you out before he was cold if the worst happened. She doesn't sound the type to give you a few weeks to find somewhere to live.

Aishah231 · 15/07/2022 04:52

Hotnashsummerday · 14/07/2022 18:47

You're in a bit of a mess OP. I wouldn't be concerned about what the ex-wife is doing/not doing but focusing on what your DP is doing.
I was in the exact same situation but i was the ex wife. Not yet divorced, H shacked up with his new girlfriend. He passed away and I got everything - money, all his possessions, including their shared possessions. Poor girlfriend got nothing. Be careful.

And you took the shared possessions hotnashsummerday? How do you justify that to yourself?

Oblomov22 · 15/07/2022 06:08

FFS why are you ignoring the red flags.
He hasn't got divorced because he doesn't want to. Her texts wear him down and then he agrees inconveniencing you? So he's weak and worse still doesn't consider you / won't stand up for you.

Why do women put up with this shit. Lord save us.

Oblomov22 · 15/07/2022 06:10

"he trusted me to have no financial interest in the house and I trusted him to not leave me homeless and penniless"

This is laughable. You are so naieve and silly. Come on OP.

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