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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know how to forgive him

52 replies

Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 15:57

I feel silly writing this but I have nobody else I can talk to.
My husband told me "if I kill myself today it will be your fault". That was 3 days ago and he is still here.
I don't know how to get past it. He hasn't apologised and I know he never will, he never does genuinely.
Years before we met he had made attempts on his life so it wasn't just an empty threat. I was so scared.
How can I forgive him and move past this?
I can't even look at him

OP posts:
NightsinBlueSatin · 14/07/2022 16:01

You move on. You say to him that you believe he needs help and you save yourself, because you're not responsible for the moods, feelings and ultimately actions of another adult human being.

speakball · 14/07/2022 16:01

He may well be suffering but his treatment of you is not acceptable and you have the right to a life without being abused and manipulated. You could only say that to someone you didnt care ababout iut. Do you have children together?

Original poster
Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 16:12

We don't have any children. And we have only be married for just under 1yr. I know he struggles and I try my best to support him. But he isn't willing to try to get actual help, and seems to just hold me responsible for everything

OP posts:
Discovereads · 14/07/2022 16:14

Yeah, married under a year, no children and you’re just an emotional punching bag. You should pack your bags and leave.

Blue4YOU · 14/07/2022 16:15

What on Earth made him say that? Is he usually an arsehole? And what is he doing to help himself?

Fairislefandango · 14/07/2022 16:18

Unacceptable on his part. What was he blaming you for - why would it have been your fault? I doubt you are to blame for his mental health issues. You can't just stick around and let him put all this on you every time he feels bad.

velvetvixen · 14/07/2022 16:19

Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 16:12

We don't have any children. And we have only be married for just under 1yr. I know he struggles and I try my best to support him. But he isn't willing to try to get actual help, and seems to just hold me responsible for everything

Women aren't rehab centres for arsehole men who won't help themselves..

Carry on with him and you'll soon be a mere shell of your former self.

Watchkeys · 14/07/2022 16:26

Why do you think you should forgive him for something you (and many others would) find unforgivable?

Why not just not forgive him? Why are you trying to over ride your feelings?

Original poster
Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 16:29

It was at the end of a long rant about how I should 'leave him alone and not talk to him if I'm just going to assume the worst' after I asked why he had unplugged something (the heat lamp for my pet tortoise). He often says things he doesn't mean when he is angry. But never as hurtful as that before...
He won't do anything to work on his mental health so he just goes through phases like this where it is so bad he lashes out. And since we moved in together 3yrs ago he only has me around to blame

OP posts:
Original poster
Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 16:31

Watchkeys - shouldn't I forgive him? I'm his wife. I'm all he has. I know he needs me. And if I don't find a way to forgive him then I have to effectively accept the relationship is ruined...

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 14/07/2022 16:31

He often says things he doesn't mean when he is angry

So you let him off for being abusive because he's in a bad mood, so it doesn't count?

And since we moved in together 3yrs ago he only has me around to blame

Well, he has the option of taking responsibility for himself. Did that not dawn on him? Or you?

HollowTalk · 14/07/2022 16:35

But he is the one who is ruining the relationship!

Eviebeans · 14/07/2022 16:38

If you have anywhere else to go - you should go there. Don't wait until there is a child in the mix

Original poster
Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 16:39

Watchkeys · 14/07/2022 16:31

He often says things he doesn't mean when he is angry

So you let him off for being abusive because he's in a bad mood, so it doesn't count?

And since we moved in together 3yrs ago he only has me around to blame

Well, he has the option of taking responsibility for himself. Did that not dawn on him? Or you?

Every time I point out to him that it isn't fair and I'm not okay with him jusy saying hurtful things out of anger. Sometimes I'll get an apology, but it doesn't change

I know he should take responsibility for his own feelings, and I have told him that. He just doesn't seem able to. I guess it's easier to blame someone else that to have to work on yourself, right? I know that doesn't make it okay, but I don't know how to make him see that

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 14/07/2022 16:45

Why do you think you need to make him see that?

Why do you think you need to change him?

He's not the partner you want: do you think the right thing to do it change him, or leave? Or accept it? Those are your options, put plainly. None of them are what you want, but what you want is for him to be a man who makes you happy and respects you. Do you think that will happen?

Watchkeys · 14/07/2022 16:48

Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 16:31

Watchkeys - shouldn't I forgive him? I'm his wife. I'm all he has. I know he needs me. And if I don't find a way to forgive him then I have to effectively accept the relationship is ruined...

Yes, he's ruined it by saying something unforgivable.

I'm all he has. I know he needs me

He's an adult. He doesn't need you. He has himself, and when he realises it, he might make a healthier partner. It's not your job to mummy him with unconditional love. That's you supporting his unhealthiness.

takeitandleaveit · 14/07/2022 17:03

Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 16:31

Watchkeys - shouldn't I forgive him? I'm his wife. I'm all he has. I know he needs me. And if I don't find a way to forgive him then I have to effectively accept the relationship is ruined...

You are not his crutch or his therapist. You shouldn't have to martyr yourself and forget your own needs in order to make his life bearable. That is no relationship.

Original poster
Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 17:04

I know he needs help and I am the only person cares about him enough to try. I can't just walk away when he is clearly in desperate need of emotional support. We've been together 8yrs and it feels wrong to just walk away from that because of something stupid he said

OP posts:
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 14/07/2022 17:04

Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 16:31

Watchkeys - shouldn't I forgive him? I'm his wife. I'm all he has. I know he needs me. And if I don't find a way to forgive him then I have to effectively accept the relationship is ruined...

You don't forgive someone who is abusing you.

Get out now while you can, while you've got no children

Watchkeys · 14/07/2022 17:07

Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 17:04

I know he needs help and I am the only person cares about him enough to try. I can't just walk away when he is clearly in desperate need of emotional support. We've been together 8yrs and it feels wrong to just walk away from that because of something stupid he said

So you think it's your responsibility to stay and be abused?

Think about why he has nobody else.

Almostthere1 · 14/07/2022 17:07

You won’t be able to make him see that. He’s an adult, responsible for himself. He may make bad choices but they’re solely HIS choices and HIS responsibility, not yours.
Leave. You owe it to yourself.

Maytodecember · 14/07/2022 17:33

Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 16:31

Watchkeys - shouldn't I forgive him? I'm his wife. I'm all he has. I know he needs me. And if I don't find a way to forgive him then I have to effectively accept the relationship is ruined...

It sounds like you see yourself as his saviour — you have to save him from himself. No, you don’t.
He’s an adult. There is help available, probably more resources than ever before.
He can start with his GP, ask about support groups, put his name down ( albeit on a long waiting list) for therapy.
You are NOT his emotional punchbag and he is abusing you by treating him like this. Sadly, you’re not saving him, you’re enabling him. ( I did the same with an abusive alcoholic, finally realised I was enabling him by paying all the bills, and keeping quiet about his abuse)
Please get support and help for yourself, GP, Women’s Aid, will help you find support and advice.

KettrickenSmiled · 14/07/2022 17:55

Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 16:31

Watchkeys - shouldn't I forgive him? I'm his wife. I'm all he has. I know he needs me. And if I don't find a way to forgive him then I have to effectively accept the relationship is ruined...

You SERIOUSLY need to stop thinking about your horrible, manipulative emotional drain of a husband & start working on yourself.

Please find the money & time to see a very experienced therapist. It is not normal to abase yourself to another person in the way you have been doing. You are not your husband's emotional support human or scapegoat.

What happened to you as a child to make your self-esteem so low that you would sacrifice your life & happiness to a man who is so constantly unpleasant to you, who treats you (& your tortoise) so badly, & blames you for everything?

DragonflyNights · 14/07/2022 17:57

Every time you say it’s not ok but stay and there are no real consequences you’re really saying you WILL tolerate this from him. He doesn’t care that he hurts you and lashes out, he trusts you to see it as your job to forgive and support him. Because you do.

KettrickenSmiled · 14/07/2022 17:58

Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 16:31

Watchkeys - shouldn't I forgive him? I'm his wife. I'm all he has. I know he needs me. And if I don't find a way to forgive him then I have to effectively accept the relationship is ruined...

Because some thing are unforgivable.
Because it's not a woman's job to give carte blanche to unpleasant men.
Maybe he only has you because other people very sensibly avoid him.
His need of you is not your problem - he is an adult, & ought to be fulfilling his own needs.
Why are you contorting yourself to "find a way to firgive him"?
If the relationship is over - so what?
Why are you trying so hard not to accept that this man is treating you abominably, & walk away from his abuse?

The relationship IS ruined. HE ruined it. You do not have to continue in a ruined relationship.