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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know how to forgive him

52 replies

Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 15:57

I feel silly writing this but I have nobody else I can talk to.
My husband told me "if I kill myself today it will be your fault". That was 3 days ago and he is still here.
I don't know how to get past it. He hasn't apologised and I know he never will, he never does genuinely.
Years before we met he had made attempts on his life so it wasn't just an empty threat. I was so scared.
How can I forgive him and move past this?
I can't even look at him

OP posts:
takeitandleaveit · 14/07/2022 18:08

If he needs you so much, how come he says such appalling things to you?

By telling you that it would be your fault if he kills himself, he is blackmailing you into staying with him and putting up with his abuse. He is refusing to accept responsibility for his own behaviour and making it yours.

You simply cannot carry on like this, it is untenable.

Bunty55 · 14/07/2022 18:15

Needing you is not the same as wanting you or cherishing or appreciating or loving you. It's not an equal partnership when one of you uses emotional blackmail to get their own way all of the time. It is tedious and red flaggish

KangFang · 14/07/2022 18:18

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Daleksatemyshed · 14/07/2022 18:20

I'm so sorry Op but you need to wake up and smell the coffee. He treats you badly because you let him, he knows there are no consequences for his behaviour so he has no reason to change. He knows you feel responsible for him so he can behave as badly as he likes because he knows you won't leave him.
If he loved you wouldn't he be ashamed to treat you so badly, wouldn't he want to get help so you could be happy together?
Look forward ten years- what do you think your marriage will be like then? Will you be happy or will you spend your time placating him, never sure what he might do or say next? We have this lovely idea that love conquers all but it's not true, sometimes love really isn't enough

SoulGuardian · 14/07/2022 18:43

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TedMullins · 14/07/2022 18:46

Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 16:31

Watchkeys - shouldn't I forgive him? I'm his wife. I'm all he has. I know he needs me. And if I don't find a way to forgive him then I have to effectively accept the relationship is ruined...

relationships should enhance your life, not suck it out of you. His mental health isn’t your responsibility and emotional blackmail is abuse. He has ruined the relationship. No, you shouldn’t forgive him, you should leave and tell him whatever he chooses to do from that point onwards is absolutely nothing to do with you.

collieresponder88 · 14/07/2022 20:01

Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 16:31

Watchkeys - shouldn't I forgive him? I'm his wife. I'm all he has. I know he needs me. And if I don't find a way to forgive him then I have to effectively accept the relationship is ruined...

No. This man will not change and make his life better u less you divorce him. You are enabling him to stay the way he is now. Do the best thing for him and split. For good

Dery · 14/07/2022 22:04

As PP have said, although it’s done from a place of caring, by putting up with his bad behaviour, you are enabling him. He has no reason to try to fix himself if you accept his behaviour. You’re actually not helping him. Women are not rehab centres for broken men.

Minimalme · 14/07/2022 22:16

Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 16:31

Watchkeys - shouldn't I forgive him? I'm his wife. I'm all he has. I know he needs me. And if I don't find a way to forgive him then I have to effectively accept the relationship is ruined...

I think the crucial thing here is that he hasn't asked for your forgiveness.

So what he really wants you to do is never challenge him ever again or you will kill him.

Are you sure he attempted suicide before you met? Is this something he has told you?

Acheyknees · 14/07/2022 22:22

Have you thought about why you are all he has and why no one else cares?

NoWeaponsOnTheTable · 14/07/2022 22:27

If he kills himself it will not be your fault.
He is emotionally blackmailing you.

Run away. As fast as you can.

Imagine a friend told you this about their relationship, what would you say? It isn't all about him, this is your life and you only get one. Don't waste it on someone who makes you feel like shit.

Original poster
Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 23:12

Are you sure he attempted suicide before you met? Is this something he has told you?

Yes, I'm sure. He told me about it, and I can see it's true in the way his family react to him if he lets slip around them that he is struggling
I couldn't live with myself if something I did lead to him attempting again. Or worse, succeeding. He is my husband and I love him

OP posts:
Original poster
Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 23:14

For everyone questioning why he has nobody else...
His family are all emotionally manipulative and have never really cared about or supported him. He has struggled for a long time with his mental health and had a troubled childhood so doesn't have many friends. I am the only person he talks to or even opens up with

OP posts:
allboysherebutme · 14/07/2022 23:18

I'd move on without him. X

whenwilliwillibefamous · 14/07/2022 23:41

I'm playing Devil's advocate here OP, this is just another way of looking at it from a different direction.
You've been together for years and he's still a mess. You're assuming you're good for him, but clearly, at the very least, not all that good.

"LTB" might be the least worst option - it gives him a chance to sort himself out (which he shows no sign of doing in the current situation) and gives you the chance of a better life.

How old are you? IME as people get older and watch death relentlessly take their friends, relatives and colleagues, you get very YOLO and much less inclined to waste your precious time on futile situations.

(Aka "why the old birds are always LTB" - they have seen how hard it is to change other people, they have seen so many years wasted...).

KettrickenSmiled · 14/07/2022 23:43

He is my husband and I love him

Are you sure?
Sounds more like a habit & a trauma bond to me.
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-sobriety/202109/what-is-trauma-bonding

KettrickenSmiled · 14/07/2022 23:48

Amy131994 · 14/07/2022 23:14

For everyone questioning why he has nobody else...
His family are all emotionally manipulative and have never really cared about or supported him. He has struggled for a long time with his mental health and had a troubled childhood so doesn't have many friends. I am the only person he talks to or even opens up with

His family may well be abusive, he may well have had a hard childhood, but the rest is bullshit.

I had a childhood that would make your hair stand on end. Domestic violence, sexual abuse, sociaI stigma ... I also have a double-handful of close, committed & mutually supportive friends. Because I am not an irredeemable arsehole.

Please think about that OP.
You are horribly enmeshed & co-dependent with a man who is slowly wringing the life out of you.

Lozzerbmc · 15/07/2022 00:05

He is emotionally manipulative like his family…

Why do you love him? What qualities does he have? What does he do to support you? How doea he react if you feel down or upset about something?

kittenkipping · 15/07/2022 00:42

You keep asking if you should leave him over something he said- perhaps not. But you are really glossing over what he DID. His actions. Unplugging a heat lamp for a tortoise is potentially deadly for your pet. There are few excuses or reasons that would make that justifiable- what he's done isn't give you a reason nor excuse for his actions that could have endangered a dependent life as a result - instead he's deflected the question and emotionally manipulated you into ignoring the actual issue and making it about his mental health, and deflecting blame back to you to avoid responsibility for his actions. He's literally weaponised his mental illness instead of discussing his actions and either explaining or apologising.

Summerfun54321 · 15/07/2022 01:43

“Saying things he doesn’t mean” in an argument is something a teenager would do. Most adults have adequate control over what comes out of their mouths. If he’s saying it, he’s meaning to say it.

Felicity42 · 15/07/2022 04:55

"I am the only person he talks to or even opens up with".
Are you tied to the idea that you have some sort of special powers. A fantasy of being his sole rescuer. This is faulty thinking because others can help him too and might be better help than you in cases of depression or addiction for example.
Those of us who are 'rescuers' have a tendency to fall into codependent roles.
What we get out of it is getting away from our own uncomfortable feelings by making our whole life about supporting the needy partner.
To the point of becoming a 'nothing' in comparison.
High maintenance men are attracted to women who put their own needs aside.

The woman ignores being treated like shite by him because her compulsive 'rescue radar' needs to lock onto the fragile childlike part of the man. We can only stop when we become aware of what we get out of doing that.
'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie explains this. Local libraries may have it.

Spanglemum · 15/07/2022 13:42

If he threatens suicide again you say that you don't want him to do that but ultimately it is his choice. He needs to see a doctor. I agree with PP that you can't rescue or cure him. Lots of people have abusive upbringings who don't behave like him.

Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 15/07/2022 13:54

You ARE his dw..
Not his therapist or carer..
My exh has depression. Blamed me for everything.. Usually stuff from his past and his exes. When I never even knew him!!
Threatened suicide.

Got sleeping pills off the GP. Took several if I dared to comment he had managed to get to the pub but couldn't possibly manage a school run or a trip to a shop..
Lived on eggshells.
It really is no way to live. Of he won't take responsibility for his mh issues. You must look after your own.
Ime.

IncompleteSenten · 15/07/2022 13:58

Why do you have to forgive him?

Is this the relationship you want for life? Because it's what you're going to get if you stay.

Make sure you understand the choice you make.

Sorefrog · 15/07/2022 14:13

If you love him then you need to stop accepting the status quo. Even if you’re willing to accept the impact it has on you, it’s not good for him to have only you to depend on. It’s not good for him to refuse to engage with professional help. It’s not good for him to throw the blame for things onto you and not take responsibility for his life and his actions. He needs to have a sense of agency over his life He can’t improve if you allow this to continue.