What do you talk about if your in a long term relationship

[Dogmum40]

Hi everyone,

Could I ask opinions on what you actually chat about if you’ve been together long term?

My husband and I have been together 15 years and I think we’ve lost the art of communication, we run two businesses together and have no children so when we’ve finished work and sat down for dinner or go on date nights we just talk about business, we have a great relationship on the whole and we are definitely equals in everything we do but I just think we struggle to chat nowadays, we sat down for dinner last night and I told him I didn’t want to discuss the businesses but what followed was an awkward silence.

We don’t laugh or joke anymore either because I don’t think we no longer no how, we either discuss business or watch tv! If we go out with friends separately we do chat about that and what our friends are up to but that’s only every so often and for on about half an hour or so.

So how do you get the conversation back, and what do you all chat about, any ideas would be great!

I think you need to book in some travels or find either a shared or separate projects to work on/ get excited about. I know it's incredibly difficult with both of you having such demanding and tiring jobs, but ultimately, although you get satisfaction from them, they are jobs. You only get this time once. What have you always quite fancied doing? X

We talk about politics a lot. Also our work (we are in very different jobs and industries), news and current affairs, his family (he has adult children), films (we watch a lot of films together) - we never seem to run out of things to talk about!

Mostly just life admin. I love chatting so I see friends and family for that.

The downside of sexual attraction: ideally it would make me fancy great conversationalists but unfortunately it just drew me towards a banging hot guy.

Last night DH and I spoke about (from recollection):

Both of our working days
My family (I had been to visit them)
The dog and pretty much every single thing he had done that day in minute and tedious detail.
Skated over the Tory leadership (tho we often talk about politics a lot)
We watched a film together and discussed it afterwards in massive detail - I know this wouldn't be for everyone but we like it.
Our sex life, what we are enjoying and a few new things we might like to try.

It's only been two years for us though - check back in in 15 and see how we are doing......

Hmm, 27 years together, we talk about politics, (that has been the main topic today so far) anything happening locally of interest, bonkers relatives, annoying relatives, the dog, our teenagers, the drama we are watching, the birds in our garden, and all sorts of other small things eg today -getting an electric car, eating the soft fruit before it goes mouldy, the amount of bloody bindweed in the garden, the idiots driving too fast through our village, the man making us a new window….all the small stuff of daily life.
DH usually has amusing anecdotes from colleagues, or he will chat about conversations he has had with friends, plans for the Summer, admin stuff. We laugh about things a lot.

Our day, the dogs, the cats, the DC. Lots of chat is around "I saw Bob today and he mentioned that" type things. Or "I was chatting to your mum earlier and they are doing x this week".

We chat about tv shows and books we are both fans of, and plan things to do at the weekends. Plans and projects for the garden and house. Future plans. Funny fb videos.

The news and politics or causes we are both invested in/care about. I bounce research ideas and theoretical approaches to texts off him (literature student) and he does the same for work projects and designs.

Hobby stuff. Smallholding related news.

There's probably loads more. We never find it hard to talk to each other and I've never had to actively think of what to say. We have quite busy lives so there's always lots to talk about and we both have hobbies and passions which we like to rabbit on about so we have a tit for tat system for that - I'll listen to car related talk if he'll listen to my gardening talk etc

We talk about upcoming house projects, holiday or night out plans (we don't have loads, but like to plan!), what our (grown up) children are up to, hobbies, if we watched something good on the TV, politics, how we plan to spend our evening.

I think perhaps it's just become all about the work for you. That is a risk when you work together, but can be corrected.... if you actively manage your hours down so get decent time off together, and then commit to not talking about work when you're off. And plan some fun stuff, together or apart. You can then enjoy planning it together, enjoy the moment, and then enjoy the memories together too, while you plan the next thing.

Just noticed others are adding years together to their posts - 7 years together in August, 4 of those married.

We've been together a similar length of time, no kids. Don't t work together but both work at home and lots of time together. We talk about:

• travel planning/holidays
• house renovations
• the future
• stuff we are watching or reading, articles, news
• spiritual type stuff , religion/meditation/beliefs
• what we should do about....? Whatever issue/decision is required on things.

Our new years resolution this year was to try something new together each month, we take it in turns to pick. That's sparked different interests and conversations.

We talk about work, the kids, what's doing well in the garden. Anything really. We once had a whole, long, conversation about the m6 toll, who owned it and how it was maintained! That was a long journey!

Married 12 years. Together 19.

We talk about anything and everything. Just like any good friends etc. Work/kids/plans/news etc etc.

There are some extras with DH and I as we don't discuss finances/house move much with others.

And talk about sex we had/are planning to have is obviously just the two of us.

We have a good laugh. Similar interests and sense of humour.

But we're also happy to be in the same room at night doing different things once the kids are in bed so that helps. He maybe plays Xbox for an hour while I chat online to friends/browse MN etc.

Then we go to bed an hour before we go to sleep so depending on the mood we end up chatting.

Do you go on holidays? Or days out? Planning something like that can need a lot of discussion.

We talk about "us" far too much recently. Politics, ethics, science, current affairs, antiques, mudlarking, the children and work. He would talk about people more than me, and I would talk about things more than him. He will talk about people and events, I talk about things and ideas. We try to listen and engage with what the other is interested in. He talks more than me.

Make plans- then you can talk about where you would like to go on a trip and why you can discuss what activities you would like to do etc-
It could be days out- or a weekend away or a full holiday.
X

DH and I are conscious that this happens to couples so we make special date nights where we don't discuss anything practical (kids, mortgage, to do list, etc) but try and behave like we are dating again - ask each other questions - talk about travel, food, books, friends, politics - just to remind each other why we fell for each other in the first place.

This is commonly given advice but does it really work. The lack of conversation in LTRs is not because you forgot about questions. It's because you already know the answer to all those questions, very well, having heard the answers many times. It's also because having lost that new love/excitement feeling, it's impossible to recapture that chemistry and you just aren't so fascinated at everything they say.

Politics
Traffic
Aches and pains😁
Cost of food and Lurpak
The garden
lack of money
family
music

We chat a lot about random shite really.

What's for breakfast
What will we do today
What the robot mower has been up to
What cats are roaming in the garden
Who will have the new hammock when
Politics of the UK and the shit show
What sport he is watching
What parts of the garden to dig up next
What markets to go to and when
Why the gladiolis are not the green ones that I wanted
What's for lunch
What's happened in the UK politics wise since breakfast
What is going on in French politics
Whether fireworks will be tonight or not (banned due to the heat wave today we think)
What seeds I'm sowing today
What needs watering after the 8pm curfew
What books I'm reading this afternoon on the hammock (which I'm typing this from)
Whether any rain is forecast at any point
What's for tea
Whether any new flowers are out
What flowers and plants look best together and what we are going to move in the autumn
When we are going to order more logs for the winter
What we are going to watch after Chloe

Just basic general bore stuff. I love retirement!

Anything and everything. Our children, especially when they have issues, plans for our house, politics and news items, family and friends' news, tv programmes we've watched together, what to eat, our jobs, our school days and education (don't know why but it often comes up), etc, etc

Talking is never an issue, although I don't always want to chat when he does- I like 'me' time. I always eat breakfast alone, for example, except when we are on holiday.

But I don't think our relationship is as good as it should be even so! There's more to a relationship than having a chat! (And there are a lot of people I can chat with easily!)

The kids
What we are doing at the weekend (I usually have to tell him about 10 times a week!!)
What's on TV
Who said what at work
The garden
His car
Which bin goes out this week ....
loads of other nonsense.
We don't talk about politics, because we usually disagree, and he doesn't really do in depth 'feelings' talk but we rub along ok.

I think if you start to overthink it then it will become stilted.

I only saw DP for 10 minutes this morning but we talked about erm, getting a doctor's appointment, the weather, weekend plans, what he was doing at the gym today. Really mundane stuff.

We tend to chat more when we are out having dinner / a pint. How about trying that?

Married 35 plus years.

Politics.
Today's Wordle/Quordle/Heardle/Framed.
News stories.
Shared and independant hobbies.
Where we want to go at the weekend.
Family stuff.
How completely stressed we are after the last few years.
Gardening.
A little bit about husband's job, but not often.
How adorable my daughter's puppy is.
TV programs that we are enjoying or not.
Women's rights and gender issues.

There's lots more, but those are recent subjects.

We talk about creative things we are doing.
State of current affairs and debates on political topics.
Our friends and family.
Our animals we keep.
Our work a little, but we both find the other's work quite boring.
Our future plans.
Music.
Movies.

We've only been together five years.

DH and I have been together 22 years and also work together, although we are both freelancers, we sit beside each other all day typing away - he is next to me right now! We don't tend to talk much during the day as we are just getting on with work (or procrastinating and pretending we are getting on with work).

Just thinking over the last few das we have talked about: politics seriously, politics jokingly (eg Tory Beatles songs), our upcoming holiday, gender issues, health issues, the wider family and what they are up to, events we have coming up, food, music, pets, the TV programme we are watching (that cyber war one with Simon Pegg), the Tour de France, the weather...and of course the kids.

I just asked him how you do percentage increases and decreases...

Not much anymore, been together 7 years but don't live together. He's much older than me and I feel I've grown to become a different person than when we first met. We no longer have a lot in common, and our main method of communication is by text which I'm lucky to get one or two a day now days

My dh is the sort who doesn't say much, but what he says is worth waiting for usually. I can prattle on about anything. I have learnt that a bit of 'active listening' goes a long way, and once he's on a roll he's interested, articulate and very funny. If he thinks you're not interested he'll shut down very quickly.
So for example, football is his passion, but not mine. Yet if I take an interest and ask open questions, he'll move via football and work to other topics.
He was frequently shut down as a child and his ex wife was very critical so he lacks trust that anyone is interested in him. Ive known him 14 years and I'm still learning about him, whereas I'm an open book.

I found 'How to listen: tools for opening up conversations when it matters most' which is a book by the Samaritans really helpful.

Last night we talked about:
Tory leadership election
covid figures locally
a situation with one of my colleagues
something to do with his job
a newborn in the family
his mum
our next holiday
the plans for this weekend
food
what to watch on telly