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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Embarrassed by DH talking so much

74 replies

NewSlang · 14/07/2022 07:21

I have a lovely DH who gets on really well with my family and friends. I'm somewhat introverted, lean more towards listening than talking and have struggled with social anxiety, so I'm not sure if this is colouring my perception of things, but I've felt on many occasions that DH talks way too much in social situations.

An example is a recent family gathering with my siblings and their partners. My BIL asks DH 'How's work going?'. If it were me I'd answer in a line or two and then ask how work is going for the other person. But DH starts on a spiel about his manager and his current gripes with them and goes into some detail about his frustrations with procurement, setting out each step of the procurement process and how long it's taking. I feel like he goes into a lot of detail when asked fairly generic questions like this or when telling a story and I find myself getting embarrassed and wondering if the other person is really bored. I also notice that if there's a lull in conversation he's usually the one to try and fill it and he sometimes interrupts people when they're talking.

I don't know if I'm just hyper-aware of these behaviours because of my own personality or if these behaviours are actually a problem. I have told him on a few occasions that I think he's been talking more than anyone else and he's agreed, but then nothing changes. Obviously he's his own person but I find myself getting self-conscious by extension and even trying to reroute the conversation by asking someone else a question when I feel he's been going on for too long!

Is this a me problem, and if not, how can I address it? He's a lovely person and as far as I know, my family and friends all like him but my dad did mention once (when they first met) that he talks a lot!

OP posts:
dudsville · 14/07/2022 07:23

Others will say differently but i think this is, as you say a "you" problem. You're seeing him as an extension of yourself and therefore wanting to alter his behaviour so they you feel more comfortable about yourself.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/07/2022 07:27

It's all a matter of taste - as long as he isn't talking over other people and is able to listen as well as talk, then I don't mind someone being chatty.

Hernameisdeborah · 14/07/2022 07:31

I do feel for you and dont think it's just you. I know these things are subjective but I would imagine the person your DH was speaking to would have been very surprised to have asked a polite question and got such a detailed response back when they don't know your DH, or his manager, from Adam! If you don't want to bore or annoy people I think you do need to be able to pick up when its OK to chat away and when you need to rein it In a bit.

Is your DH quite anxious? I am too quiet on most occasions, I think, but I do sometimes talk a bit too much in certain situations where I'm trying to cover up my own feelings of social awkwardness.

DelilahBucket · 14/07/2022 07:32

I think it's a "you" problem. I'm a talker and my husband isn't. I would be beyond upset if this were him coming on here and talking about me like this. If someone doesn't want to talk to someone I'm sure they are adult enough to leave the conversation. You're also taking a comment said by your dad from I assume a long time ago, as your parent's judgement. If his personality embarrasses you then perhaps you need to be thinking whether you are right together because that isn't normal.

GreenManalishi · 14/07/2022 07:32

You've told him that he talks a lot, and nothing changes. He's been like this since you met him, because...he's like this. You married a chatterbox, and if you don't like it, it's kind of a you problem in that it's up to you to get comfortable with it, rather than asking him to change who he is.

Hernameisdeborah · 14/07/2022 07:34

Oh, ignore my last comment- just seen your DH was speaking to your BIL. Sorry!

oopsfellover · 14/07/2022 07:35

Not sure the behaviour you describe is ‘chatty’ - if he interrupts, goes on at length and doesn’t invite another person to speak, he’s monopolising conversation and overtalking. The people I know who are like this are not very self aware and can be touchy if you try to stop them talking. I don’t think it’s a ‘you’ problem particularly, but not sure what you can do about it except mention it to him when you feel able.

iloveeverykindofcat · 14/07/2022 07:36

Depends. Is he conversing or monologuing? I'm an introvert and I don't mind talkative people at all, sometimes I'm grateful for them. But people who talk AT you instead of to you are the worst.

topcat2014 · 14/07/2022 07:38

He'd get on with DW who never pauses for breath. Like MIL.

I'm not introverted, but yes, it is embarrassing for them.

Minimalme · 14/07/2022 07:38

Agree that you married a chatterbox but also think he does sound as though he drones on at times.

I would be gutted to be talked through the procurement process and management styles at someone's work!

Talk to him about making sure he leaves the detail at the door and is sure to ask the other person a question too.

I am bloody talkative and my dh loves that about me but is also good at tapping me discretely on the arm if I have gone off on one. It's very helpful as I sometimes feel embarrassed in case I have talked too much.

MistyFuckingQuigley · 14/07/2022 07:40

Wow lots of talkers oblivious to anyone else's feelings on this thread.

People are too polite to tell someone to shut up in a social setting, because you know, they're in a social setting and they know how to act around other human beings.

Ignore the boring talkers op, I'll bet people start to avoid your dh because they know they'll get stuck with him talking about bloody procurement of all things 😬 like Uncle Colm off Derry Girls 🤣

I was going to say you could try and jump in and steer him away when he's boring the pants off someone but that's not really your job is it? Sorry, its shit. Maybe you're just not suited. Does he constantly talk at home when it's just the two of you?

RockinHorseShit · 14/07/2022 07:43

This is definitely a YOU problem. They will like love your DH for being so outgoing. People do love a story teller & entertainer

I'm similar to you & my DH is the extrovert & sounds very similar... everyone loves him for it & he's a legend in his own lunchbox where we live. He loves talking & being sociable & people love him for it... & so do I

Redvelvet73 · 14/07/2022 07:43

My DH is exactly the same OP!!! It can be so awkward, I agree. However he has so many good qualities that I have learned to accept it (sort of). Like you I am also very quiet so sometimes I rely on him talking so I don't have to. I just wish he would know when to stop.

Does your DH have any other personality traits that might suggest he has a form of autism? As he doesn't seem to be able to social clues like facial expressions or body language.

Neolara · 14/07/2022 07:43

There are frequently threads on here with people tearing their hair out at having to endure others who talk at them non-stop. Pretty much universally, everyone agrees this is problematic. I guess only the op knows if her DH is a monologuer or just chatty. Chatty is ok. Monologuer most definitely isn't.

WhenDovesFly · 14/07/2022 07:47

I think it's different personality types. I'm not the biggest talker myself but when and I started seeing someone who was like your DH it overwhelmed me. He was the type to barely take a breath, so it was hard to have a two-way conversation anyway, and he would waffle, just to keep his monologue going. If I did manage to get a word in, it wasn't long before he was talking over me or bringing the conversation back to himself. We could never sit quietly of an evening as he always had to fill any silences with chatter, even when we were trying to watch a film. I had to end it eventually because I just couldn't cope with his talk style

crimsonlake · 14/07/2022 07:49

Have you thought he may be like this as he feels deprived of good long conversations with you? You say you are not much of a talker, so he may be talking a lot whilst in other peoples company to make up for this.
I found myself married to someone who seemed to only speak to me when necessary, no small talk. As a result I found talking with friends fulfilled this need I had for a proper two way conversation.

bloodyunicorns · 14/07/2022 07:50

Does your h ever listen? Does he ask questions of other people?

If not, it is a problem. Over-talkers are annoying, un-self-aware, and dull. I bet his procurement story wasn't witty or entertaining. Anyway, he's not a stand-up comedian. People aren't paying to hear him chat.

I'd have a word with him. Ask him to tone it down.

MistyFuckingQuigley · 14/07/2022 07:53

People do love a story teller & entertainer

What about procurement is entertaining? And I guarantee people don't love your husband for being the annoying chatty one, sounds like you're trying to convince yourself about that.

Ragwort · 14/07/2022 07:53

Are your my SIL? Grin.

I am very find of my DB but he just never stops talking, it's very embarrassing - I genuinely wonder how he has so little self awareness. Not sure what the answer is but it actually makes socialising quite difficult as I just don't want to meet up and be monopolised by a very boring non stop dialogue.

Hernameisdeborah · 14/07/2022 07:54

DelilahBucket · 14/07/2022 07:32

I think it's a "you" problem. I'm a talker and my husband isn't. I would be beyond upset if this were him coming on here and talking about me like this. If someone doesn't want to talk to someone I'm sure they are adult enough to leave the conversation. You're also taking a comment said by your dad from I assume a long time ago, as your parent's judgement. If his personality embarrasses you then perhaps you need to be thinking whether you are right together because that isn't normal.

The problem is with some, exceptionally chatty people, it can be very difficult to leave a conversation if they are clearly very intent on continuing it! I know most talkative people are capable of knowing when a conversation is up, but I'm thinking of some very chatty people who either keep talking when you're politely trying to disengage or they give you a hurt look and turn away in a bit of a huff. I don't think this is just an OP issue - it's either compatibility or her DH also needs to be gently reminded to hold back a bit sometimes!

AllThatGlistensIs · 14/07/2022 07:55

Autism because he’s chatty?? Ffs!

Clymene · 14/07/2022 08:01

He's not a chatterbox, he's a bore.

EVHead · 14/07/2022 08:02

AllThatGlistensIs · 14/07/2022 07:55

Autism because he’s chatty?? Ffs!

It’s a possibility.

He could be chatty, which is fine, but we need more info from the OP about whether he picks up on social cues. Does he start a big monologue, determined to reach the end oblivious to people’s eyes glazing over? Does he ask other people about their lives and look interested in the answer?

JasmineVioletRose · 14/07/2022 08:05

I hear you OP. My DH does this too. And I'm not an introvert. It would be mean to point it out though.

It also grates when you've heard it all a few times already doesn't it?

Just say to yourself, it's him not you doing the talking then walk away and talk to someone else. He's not going to change is he 🤷🏻‍♀️

NewSlang · 14/07/2022 08:13

To answer a few questions: when we're alone we have great conversations and it's a lot more balanced. When I say I'm introverted I'm still quite chatty with people I know well but I am always conscious of not boring people by talking about things they have no interest in when I'm in social situations, plus I really enjoy listening to people most of the time. I think maybe it is nerves sometimes that makes him talk a lot in social situations but then again, he doesn't seem particularly nervous around my family and we've been together for years!

And he's a great partner in just about every way so this is definitely not a LTB type scenario. I just feel he doesn't 'read the room' well sometimes and goes into excess detail on topics without considering if people are actually interested or not. He does ask questions of them too but I think he could improve how well he listens to their responses and also not interrupt people too, though he doesn't interrupt all the time by any means.

Some people have said this is a 'me' problem and I understand it might well be, hence why I'm asking on here.

OP posts:
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