Embarrassed by DH talking so much

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I have a lovely DH who gets on really well with my family and friends. I'm somewhat introverted, lean more towards listening than talking and have struggled with social anxiety, so I'm not sure if this is colouring my perception of things, but I've felt on many occasions that DH talks way too much in social situations.

An example is a recent family gathering with my siblings and their partners. My BIL asks DH 'How's work going?'. If it were me I'd answer in a line or two and then ask how work is going for the other person. But DH starts on a spiel about his manager and his current gripes with them and goes into some detail about his frustrations with procurement, setting out each step of the procurement process and how long it's taking. I feel like he goes into a lot of detail when asked fairly generic questions like this or when telling a story and I find myself getting embarrassed and wondering if the other person is really bored. I also notice that if there's a lull in conversation he's usually the one to try and fill it and he sometimes interrupts people when they're talking.

I don't know if I'm just hyper-aware of these behaviours because of my own personality or if these behaviours are actually a problem. I have told him on a few occasions that I think he's been talking more than anyone else and he's agreed, but then nothing changes. Obviously he's his own person but I find myself getting self-conscious by extension and even trying to reroute the conversation by asking someone else a question when I feel he's been going on for too long!

Is this a me problem, and if not, how can I address it? He's a lovely person and as far as I know, my family and friends all like him but my dad did mention once (when they first met) that he talks a lot!

Ah OP - but surely the truth lies in the middle? I imagine if you think your husband is an interesting guy when he is alone with you he probably isn't TOO boring generally.

Yes he probably is really talkative and yes he does probably bore/ annoy some people - but then the part where you come in is why you feel you have to worry about that. I suffer from anxiety myself so I sympathise- but in the end, he is an adult, the people he is talking to are adults - I would always prefer to meet a chatterbox than someone deathly dull and quiet to be honest.

We all know people that just do go into far too much detail - but he isn't hurting anyone is he? Family get together, your H talks a bit too much - not the end of the world? He is a rounded individual with other good qualities - I mean - Im not sure there is anything you could do about it other than gently chat to him about it and try not to hurt his feelings

Your anxiety is also something you could examine - why it really matters to you so much.

This is just part and parcel of marrying a talkative person- sometimes they light up the room, other times they don’t let other people get a word in edgewise.

I wouldn’t directly confront him about it, you risk embarrassing him and somewhat crushing his spirit. I’d try to use a more indirect method. For example if he’s monologuing at someone, try to interject by asking the other person a question. Your DH might be grateful to have someone to reign him in a bit

Just tell him to shut up. In company: Martin - Andrew doesn't need to hear the ins and outs of the procurement process at DevCo. Andrew - how are things going with your job?

At home: Martin - I'm in the middle of something. Can we chat later?

Crushing his spirit Good grief

Very talkative people can be annoying but by the same token they often perform a useful social role in encouraging conversation and stopping awkward silences. To be honest - it can be just as annoying when people don’t say anything and expect others to do all the small talk.

If he is a nice person and doesn’t talk at people too much, then it’s not harmful. It takes all sorts of people. Has he ever complained about your social anxiety / quietness? If not, he deserves the same respect (unless his talking is completely off the scale!)

I’m referring to the fact that her DH has already acknowledged that he talks too much, so he clearly occasionally feels embarrassed at himself. If you repeatedly hammering it home he’ll probably feel mortified. There’s a balance to be had.

Except he's still doing it. So he's clearly not that embarrassed is he?

He repeatedly interrupts the OP when she's working too.

Just because he's a nice bloke doesn't also mean he's a bit of a bore. If your wife can't tell you to STFU, who can?

That’s a fair point, OP is definitely the right person to have a word with him.
But if he already realises he has a problem but hasn’t been able to stop himself then some damage control in the moment might be a good move, if only for OP’s sanity

Yeah no chance of an awkward silence if you can’t reply. 🤣

TBH the best conversationalists I know could 100% make procurement sound entertaining.

There are people I keep in my life even though they're objectively quite self-absorbed because despite talking about themselves all the time they're fucking funny about it.

There are also people who do the exact same thing but are so boring that I want to gouge my eyes out when they're droning on.

Being a raconteur is a natural talent, some have it and others don't. Impossible to say which the OP's husband is. But presumably she herself was amused/entertained by his chat enough to marry him once upon a time. Conversational style isn't something you can hide, and if I found a man's chat dull I couldn't be in a relationship with him.

Conversation isn’t a binary choice between silence and droning on.
Having trained professionally in the art of conversation - you have to read the room!
Toss in a couple of sentences, get a feel for the audience. The goal is to get EVERYONE talking, not to give a mini Ted talk.

Also I have no problem interrupting a droner. We’d all otherwise be stuck in unecessary 3 hour long meetings =•=

Also please stop armchair diagnosing everyone. My DFiancee and I are both software developers. He’s on the spectrum and I have ADHD. It really doesn’t matter whether you have a reason or not if you bore people and don’t connect with them you won’t get promoted. And all this can be learnt.

*Fiancé

I feel for you, my mum does this too. I've tried talking to her about it but it's not something she seems to be able to control. I do wonder sometimes if it's a spectrum/adhd or maybe anxiety type thing? She prides herself on having good manners so I don't think she intentionally does it, but it's like she cannot allow a natural pause and will just talk right over people. Anything someone says she will immediately jump on and divert the topic back to her. She will tell stories that go on and on, even if the listener does not have a clue who or what she is talking about! Very intricate and long winded tales and sometimes that aren't actually relevant. It's very much a 'can't read the room' as you say about your DH. It does get embarrassing at times as I can see the other people trying to change subject or end the conversation but she doesn't get it at all. Very frustrating! I just have to try to tune it out if I'm there and remind myself she is not a reflection on me and it's not my responsibility, even if it does feel that way.

It’s not nice being under the cosh of someone else‘s hyperawareness. If you choose only to seek to find fault with him, I don’t think that’s very loving or kind.
It’s just another way of saying “I feel better if I micro focus on what he says so that I can correct him later.”

Are you sure he talks more than other people, because if you only “see” him talking and everyone else is background maybe you’re analysis is wrong.

MN is significantly more introverted that normal society and there is profound hostility here to people being able to chat and have an easy conversation. (As you can see by some of the replies.)

My df is like this - he’s genuinely wonderful but it can be a bit cringe at times when he hasn’t noticed the other person’s lack of interest / escape attempts. It was only once I had ds who has an ASD dx that I realised my own df has a LOT of ASD traits, including this.

@OooErr any tips on how it can be learned? My ds (dx with both ASD and ADHD) does talk at people and I can see it’s causing issues socially. What do you recommend?

This is what I do too.

I wasn’t told off by my parents for being chatty. It’s been in later years and particularly in response to how my (STBX)H treats me.

I have ADHD and I’m painfully aware that I talk too much (and other things). Trying to monitor myself is exhausting. But I do have good social skills. People do tend to like me. I just have to work hard to mask.

The issue with my H is that he has most definitely tipped my monitoring and masking over into anxiety and avoidance. For no reason, except to be horrible I think. I’m sick of him (and there is considerable irony here) lecturing me about how ‘the empty drum makes the most noise’ etc. So I have stopped talking in most situations, and actively avoid socialising (or make sure I’m too busy doing some task so there’s no danger of me being anywhere but the background.

In contrast, H dominates all conversations between us and shows absolutely no interest in anything I might have to say. After years of listening to his monologues, I’ve recognised that he’s a total hypocrite. And he’s been trying to tear me down.

it’s not that I talk to much (I do sometimes but I monitor and manage it). He objects to me being gregarious, outgoing, energetic. He thinks that because he’s quiet and shows no emotion that he’s better than me. And in no way recognises that he monopolises conversations and is unwilling to take an interest in other people. I think he’s jealous that I’m actually just more interesting socially than him! It’s just control (and emotional abuse).

Which is to say, it might not ever really have been you. Your parents may not have been being very nice to you at all @Prokupatuscrakedatus.

@TrailOfAbandonedPlanners Well, they both had the same experience when they were young, so they tried to make sure I would not end up like them. But in their age group ADHD was not a thing, it was bad character and manners.
I only learned about it when both my DC were diagnosed.

It’s a sad story really. The good thing is that you can better support your children, without destroying their confidence.

My DP can be like this. I've learned to pick and choose when I want to ask him something because I get all the background and history so I'll only ask him something if I have time (and patience) to listen to the answer. He's also like this with others, especially on topics he's interested in. Someone suggested to me it could be ADHD behaviour. But it's not really an issue unless you make it one and it's certainly harmless. He's not doing it to be rude. It's just his way. He's mid-50s so unlikely to change any time soon! And nor would I want him to.

My dh cannot say yes or no to a question without a full explanation for his answer.
He talks over people and when he realises he's interrupted he says sorry but carries on.
I literally tell workmen not to worry about being polite and just leave when they've finished. I'm sure we pay for an extra hour of labour on every job because he keeps workmen talking.

He has improved because we met a new couple and the dh was worse than my dh. My dh actually commented on this guy talking about himself all the time.
I told dh that he was just as bad and other friends probably said the same about him.
I think the penny dropped.

A lot of men enjoy the sound of their own voice 🙄

@waterrat Yes, you may be correct that the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Although I am naturally more inclined to introversion I do struggle with people who are very quiet - it might not come naturally to me but I'll always make an effort to make conversation and keep it going, so it's good to have more talkative people in a social setting as well.

DH does probably talk a bit too much on occasion. He's even acknowledged that. But maybe I'm making it into a bigger issue than it really needs to be. I don't think he is a complete drone and he does show some interest in other people. I've been around people who literally never ask a single question of others and he's not one of those people. It's all on a continuum. I'll try and work on my own feelings about it. He accepts plenty of annoying things I do so if he does talk a bit too much for my liking at times I can live with it! I have occasionally been very direct and told him I need quiet time at home and he leaves me be😁

Depends on how severe it is. The issue isn't the skill itself, but the constant monitoring (as @TrailOfAbandonedPlanners said).

DP was lucky enough to be diagnosed as a child, so had a 'nurture' group to learn social skills.
In my case I'd always rambled on , especially when I was nervous, which I was aware made me look incompetent. My work has lots of courses (both online and instructor led) on communication. In the context of networking, leading a meeting, etc.

All of this had nothing to do with my diagnosis, which came much later. It was all in the context of presenting myself professionally. I used tips like structuring my thoughts, having specific intentions, using leading questions, sentence types, breaking conversations down into their constituent parts.

Find a communication coach would be my suggestion, have him practice, see how conversations fit into his mental model. 'Why' does he talk at people? What makes him start, what makes him stop? Can he identify the intent of questions e.g. 'how are you' is just generic, and you give a stock answer. I used to give a detailed explanation, then realised nobody wants to hear it so i now stick to 2 sentences max.