Embarrassed by DH talking so much

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I have a lovely DH who gets on really well with my family and friends. I'm somewhat introverted, lean more towards listening than talking and have struggled with social anxiety, so I'm not sure if this is colouring my perception of things, but I've felt on many occasions that DH talks way too much in social situations.

An example is a recent family gathering with my siblings and their partners. My BIL asks DH 'How's work going?'. If it were me I'd answer in a line or two and then ask how work is going for the other person. But DH starts on a spiel about his manager and his current gripes with them and goes into some detail about his frustrations with procurement, setting out each step of the procurement process and how long it's taking. I feel like he goes into a lot of detail when asked fairly generic questions like this or when telling a story and I find myself getting embarrassed and wondering if the other person is really bored. I also notice that if there's a lull in conversation he's usually the one to try and fill it and he sometimes interrupts people when they're talking.

I don't know if I'm just hyper-aware of these behaviours because of my own personality or if these behaviours are actually a problem. I have told him on a few occasions that I think he's been talking more than anyone else and he's agreed, but then nothing changes. Obviously he's his own person but I find myself getting self-conscious by extension and even trying to reroute the conversation by asking someone else a question when I feel he's been going on for too long!

Is this a me problem, and if not, how can I address it? He's a lovely person and as far as I know, my family and friends all like him but my dad did mention once (when they first met) that he talks a lot!

My H is similar, as are his family and they bore the arse of me with their non-stop self-important bluster. They honestly think they're the most interesting people on the planet and can just talk and talk and talk about whatever the fuck pops into their head.

We had the in-laws round one day, there were four of us in the room (inc. me) and at one point ALL 3 of the others were talking at the same time, all of them, none listening to each other just all talking talking talking.

I've honestly never seen or heard anything like it, my head!!!

Delilah just how do you avoid these situations at the time? I only see my DB a couple of times a year and he just totally monopolises the conversation, last time we were a guest in his home so it is not exactly easy to get up mid meal and leave the house ... the sad thing is that we rarely meet up now, precisely because he is such a bore... it is not being chatty, lively or interesting ... do people honestly not realise what they are like?

Crystal I think we must have the same family.

@MistyFuckingQuigley

Oh how arrogant you are to think that your opinion is so right. I bet you're great company... not 🙄

You're wrong about my DH ofc, but you just kid yourself you're always right & popular

My friend is like your DH and her husband tries to tell her to be quiet/tone it down/whatever and it really hurts her that he does this, so if I were you, and I loved DH, I would tread carefully.

The thing about my friend is that she has loads of friends. Yes, some people don't like how much she talks, but lots of people do, me included, and it makes me very angry that he tries to stifle her personality in this way.

It is controlling behaviour.

I get it. Sorry coworker is like this. No awareness at all, goes into so much detail when I’m just asking for something like a form for example that I will forget my own name. The detail is intense and she doesn’t let you reply so you just end up standing there for half hour trying to cut in but unable.

Talking too much or dominating the conversation? Being chatty and going into (some) detail is fine. Monopolising everyone's evening with long monologues is not.

I could have written this OP. My DH, for example, if asked about the garden, will describe all the seeds he's sown and what he's potted on etc. etc. Also when someone says bye, must go, he thinks of something else to say and rabbits on again.

He is the most wonderful husband, father and son-in-law, but slightly on the spectrum. He is an engineer.

OP, it's definitely NOT you.

I definitely agree with pp, it’s the monopolising and not letting you reply. I’m sorry but it’s extremely frustrating and makes you feel like why talk at me if you don’t want any exchange about the topic.

Do we have the same dad?! 😊

Oh just tell him to stick a sock in it. He’ll be ok I’m sure!

I had no idea I was so chatty until my husband took me to task for basically going to parents night and accidentally holding court. 😩

if you’re confident/insensitive enough to bang on and on, then you can take some wellmeant criticism

This. I don’t think in the specific instance the OP describes that it’s a chatty vs non-chatty distinction — literally no one wants to hear a detailed account of the procurement process and their frustrations with a manager in response to a polite token question about work. It’s the equivalent of someone giving you a blow-by-blow account of their piles/indigestion/compound fracture in response to ‘How are you?’

My father once gave a 20-minute monologue to two total strangers in a car park about his recent dental work, but he has always lacked self-awareness , especially the ability to understand that just because he knows something doesn’t mean he needs to tell it in detail to other people. I suspect he is not NT, though.

My DH is like this but everyone loves him and he gets loads of invites to return. Sometimes I cringe but others don't. It's my problem not his.

My exh used to do this and I used to see people’s eyes glaze over. I put up with it for years and he got worse so I told him. He knew he did it but he found it hard to stop himself. If we went to an appointment or meeting or something, I would have a word with him beforehand to remind him to let others speak. It sounds mean but it did help a bit to draw attention to It.

Lol at the bloke from Derry’s Girls! I think we all know someone like that but we don’t want to be married to them.

Oh I can't bear it! I like good stories and occasionally even tell one myself but I would never, EVER rattle on and on and on about the minutia of my job or anything else. Sadly I was sat at a table, at the last wedding I went to, with a bloke like this and it ruined the event. The people to my left were really interesting but every time I tried to talk to them he dragged it back to lonnnnng stories about Cuba.

I’m your DH in this situation and I notice myself doing it but it’s because, like you, I’m socially awkward. You go quiet and I have the opposite problem of wanting to fill every single bit of silence. I really appreciate when others are chatty because I get a bit of a break & it makes me more at ease. I don’t think you can change DH but I’d pull him on it if he’s interrupting people because that’s rude. I’ve done that myself many times, I do not wish to be rude, I’m just nervous!
As much as you want people to accept you’re an introvert, you’re going to have to accept he’s the opposite.

I actually have this exact same issue. However I’ve come to realise that it’s a bit of me problem and a bit of him and also not really a problem.
He’s a talker and can talk too much but also fills the quiet gaps (which some people like). Some people like it, some don’t and some people think I should talk more. It’s all perspective really. I now try to ignore the faint embarrassing feeling I get when I think he’s blathering on too much because actually most people are quiet happy to chat. Occasionally when he is talking to much and it’s obvious I will change the subject at an appropriate point.

I am like that and have been reprimanded for that from an early age by my parents. My solution: I keep away from people as much as I can.

When with other people or at work, I try very hard to behave in a way that is socially acceptable to them, which is very stressfull as I am constantly watching myself and it gets more difficult the older I get.

If I feel more comfortable I tell them to stop me when I get on their nerves.
But I can never be sure they do, so I keep away.

Oh god I have one of these. It's getting worse with age. Responds to any polite question about work with WAY too much boring and irrelevant (to everyone else) detail. It's usually not even a story or anecdote, just goes on and on, down several equally dull tangents. It's not a 'chatty conversation', it's more like talking therapy. Has a habit of coming into my office when we're both working at home and plonking himself down while I'm in the middle of something and, unprompted, giving Every. Single. 'So i said, so they said' exchange of a work conversation. Or if he's not in a loquacious mood at a social gathering, he is just monosyllabic and comes across as rude. There is no 'light-hearted summary' situation in between. It's a bloody good job I love him.

Is this a bit of a cultural thing in some sections of England? It took me years to work out, especially with a couple of very nice, conventional friends from MC southern families that ‘and how are your family’ has only ONE acceptable answer which is apparently ‘oh fine thanks and yours?’ Anything veering off this makes them deeply uncomfortable they almost twitch.

Watching them have a conversation with each other is a master class: how ARE you fine thanks, and you Oh great, how’s Tom oh he’s fine you know what about Ed yes doing great and the kids enjoying the holiday yep what about your two oh great thanks.

I am from a culture that talks a LOT. I DEFINITELY diverge, and so does the other member of our friendship group from the same country, but we are also the people with the most friends, hordes of them including ones from preschool, primary school, secondary, uni, first jobs. So we can’t be THAT boring.

I mean if someone monologues but doesn’t ask the other anything then that’s bad.

Sorry that makes you all uncomfortable but it is uncomfortable for the ‘listener’ too, sorry for the background of the issue but yes it is hard to be talked at about minutiae especially at work etc.

100% exact same here. I end up saying "summarise!" several times a day sometimes. It's got a lot worse with age.

I think it is a 'you' problem in the sense that you are not responsible for his behaviour. I used to feel responsible for DH's behaviour socially. he is very awkward and earnest. I used to feel I had to look after him at parties or rescue people if he was talking very seriously and in-depth when they clearly just wanted a bit of light social banter.

Then I realised - he is a grown up, entirely responsible for his own behaviour and other adults he interacts with are responsible for negotiating and managing that behaviour in a way that feels comfortable to them. And between them they are responsible for dealing with any fallouts of embarassment or feeling slighted etc.

It's not your responsibility so try to shut down your over-anxious antennae and concentrate on your own social interactions.

@WarmJuly Mine is an engineer too! He is very nerdy, adorable and well-meaning - I have no clear indications that he's on the spectrum though.

@HelloTreacle9 He does that too when we're both WFH! I try not to get annoyed but occasionally I do. The interruptions are so frequent.

My exH does this too! I remember once,during one of his monologues, he paused briefly for breath and someone else tried to talk - he just carried on talking over her until she trailed off! I asked him about it afterwards and he said that the thing she was talking about sounded boring and of no interest to him, so he kept talking to make her stop 😂. We used to have a cue where I would put my hand on his knee when I could see that others in the group were desperately trying to talk but couldn't get a word in and he would shut up!
My current DP does this thing where if someone says something then he will mansplain their own opinion back to them at length. I don't say anything about that though because I don't think anyone else has noticed it.