Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friends with men

64 replies

Merciloloo · 13/07/2022 17:50

I think I am just about done with men. I feel like I had so many male friends (only friends), but they wait until they have a slight chance and try it on or chance their luck.

for context, I’m in a relationship and anytime I have to turn down a guy I know or anything, I honestly feel guilty and dirty because they know I have a boyfriend yet STILL try it on, which makes me think and feel I’ve done something wrong!!!!

does anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:
Edwardoo · 13/07/2022 18:28

I've never had a platonic male friend because they always try it on and the ones who I have seen be friends with women always turned out to have an ulterior motive so I don't believe in purely platonic friendship between men and women (unless both are gay). I wouldn't say I felt dirty and guilty but I felt betrayed and misled that they were putting on an act when they were sexually interested. I felt angry at times because it was a waste of my time and gameplaying.

LucyLongSocks · 13/07/2022 18:33

Im older now and it doesn't happen anymore. But I had this exact same problem when I was younger. I had a long term boyfriend and every single 1. Except for 1 of his friends, tried their luck with me. The one who didn't was in his 50s. All the rest, who did, were in their 20s. It used to drive me crazy. I didn't dare tell my boyfriend that all his friends were untrustworthy. It turned out my boyfriend cheated on me in the end. You see he was just like all his friends. So watch that. I am unsure how to handle it. I didn't at the time. Just refused their advances and carried on as normal. Sorry I'm not much help.

Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 13/07/2022 18:35

I’m sorry about your experiences.

I’m one ugly b*tch so men have never wanted to be my friend the begin with.
So I guess that could really mean that men always have ulterior motives.

seaUrchinOne · 13/07/2022 18:37

I've never been able to have a friendship with men without them wanting to try it on.
When getting into a relationship I'm very wary of men that have female friends.

43prego · 13/07/2022 18:51

There always had been a huge age gap. Either younger (mentee) or older (Mentor), I think it helps.

Pokske · 13/07/2022 19:35

I have male friends as well as female and never had this problem. I'm older now, but when I was younger I was fairly good looking though. Maybe it's because I work in a male dominated job (demolition) and have a higher post than most of the men I work with. Maybe my male friends see this as me having "bigger balls" than they have.
Anyway, it's not because I never had the problem that I don't know it exists.
Most men will try anything to get into someone's knickers. Most of them are horrible.

alphapie · 13/07/2022 19:47

Definitely not, it's sad you've had that experience but I've never had one male friend try it on, and DH had plenty of female friends and the same on that side too.

He actually has more female friends than male friends, one of which delivered our first child when the hospital sent me home wrongly. So they've seen more of my bits than DHs Grin

I think women who struggle with this a lot are either a lot more flirty naturally and the men they befriend start with the wrong intentions (have seen that many a time) or they're less good at weeding out good friends in the beginning.

YRGAM · 13/07/2022 21:01

I do think a lot of it can depend on the industry you work in. In all my workplaces men and women have always been friends (without anything even happening at Christmas parties!), and it would be really, really weird to just be friends with your own sex in that context.

Personally I've always had female friends (m) and to be honest I think it's quite sad that some peoples' experience of mixed sex friendships ends up with a come-on. My experience may be unusual though, thinking about it not many of my male friends are genuinely platonic friends with women. I'm not sure of the point of this post really!

GentlemanJay · 13/07/2022 21:28

Well I've got quite a few female friends. Guess what? I've not tried it on with any of them. Lol.

Jsy7 · 13/07/2022 21:34

Grim isn’t it but happens so often.

QueSyrahSyrah · 13/07/2022 21:41

Sorry for your experiences OP but it's really not always the case. I've had a few good male (straight) friends over the years, one that I shared a flat with for a year when we were both single, and another who has stayed with me when we were both single (and drunk).

None of them ever made a move (and I'd like to think that says more about them as good Men than about me being deeply unattractive).

5128gap · 13/07/2022 21:48

Yes. I've only had one heterosexual male 'friend' who didn't declare feelings or try it on. Even the ones i thought were 'safe' because they were decades older or in relationships. Its a horrible feeling when you think someone liked you and enjoyed your company and there was an ulterior motive all the time. Unfortunately it's left me very cynical about male overtures of friendship, and I tend to only develop friendships beyond the superficial with other women these days.

Original poster
Merciloloo · 13/07/2022 21:50

5128gap · 13/07/2022 21:48

Yes. I've only had one heterosexual male 'friend' who didn't declare feelings or try it on. Even the ones i thought were 'safe' because they were decades older or in relationships. Its a horrible feeling when you think someone liked you and enjoyed your company and there was an ulterior motive all the time. Unfortunately it's left me very cynical about male overtures of friendship, and I tend to only develop friendships beyond the superficial with other women these days.

Agreed, I think I’m going to cut my losses and just stay away. I don’t like feeling like this. It makes me feel like I’ve done something to lead them on.

OP posts:
5128gap · 13/07/2022 21:54

alphapie · 13/07/2022 19:47

Definitely not, it's sad you've had that experience but I've never had one male friend try it on, and DH had plenty of female friends and the same on that side too.

He actually has more female friends than male friends, one of which delivered our first child when the hospital sent me home wrongly. So they've seen more of my bits than DHs Grin

I think women who struggle with this a lot are either a lot more flirty naturally and the men they befriend start with the wrong intentions (have seen that many a time) or they're less good at weeding out good friends in the beginning.

Right. So it's all the woman's fault then.
Do you apply that theory every time a man oversteps and gives a woman unwanted sexual attention? She's a flirt or a poor judge of character?

scubad · 13/07/2022 22:03

I have a fair number of male friends and maybe 10% of the single ones tried it on when I was single. You got shitty friends

SallyWD · 13/07/2022 22:09

I've always had loads of male friends. I have brothers and just really get on with men. A couple of male acquaintances have tried it on but proper close male friends - no. One friend did tell me he was in love with me. It wasn't sleazy. It was actually very touching and he knew I didn't feel the same. We're still good friends abd he's over his feelings for me now (was about 20 years ago!).

EarthSight · 13/07/2022 22:46

If a man thinks you're sexually attractive, likes your company, then at least some of them are going to be opportunistic chancers who will try it on, and some of those won't care that you have a boyfriend.

Just like many women are emotionally invested in being friends with men, and will look for signs that their relationship is just platonic, there are also men who look for signs that you are actually interested, when in you're not. It's unfortunate, but they will see a compliment as a sure sign you've got the hots for them, or a smile as a flirtation and so on.

@Edwardoo. I think it's easy to feel 'Oh that's all you wanted all along', but I don't think you neccessarily have to frame it as some kind of deceit. As well as being sexually attrracted to you, they just develop deeper feelings over time.

EarthSight · 13/07/2022 22:48

@YRGAM I think you just outlined that you are definitely not the norm, and that most men probably don't make friends with women unless they find them sexually or romantically appealing.

Coyoacan · 13/07/2022 22:57

I can't say I've had that problem with my male friends. I love both my male and female friends

JustCrackinOnPal · 13/07/2022 23:06

I used to feel this way during my teens, however I have 3 male close friends now. One is gay so admittedly no risk there in terms of boundary crossing, the other two have girlfriends. We've been friends since college but not close friends until Uni onwards. They are now friends with my DH also

hotcoldnotsold · 13/07/2022 23:23

I've only ever had one close straight male friend who never tried it on - and I value the friendship. We were so far from each other's types it worked well. At work I only tend to befriend men with partners or married to avoid any potential drama. I work in a male dominated profession and every time I've made a good male friend, if he's single he's tried it on. Sometimes years later! And I can't really get past that and go back to the way it was, I don't cut them off but we won't be as close. Now all my closest friends are female. I think if you know your male friend from school days, you're less likely to have this problem.

TomPinch · 13/07/2022 23:26

I (male, married) have always had good female friends. Why? Women are friendlier, and easier to get to know than men in my general experience.

My friends are attractive to varying degrees. I haven't tried it on with any of them because I appreciate the friendship and am not interested in cheating on my wife.

When I was much younger I did try it on with a female friend. We were both single at the time and have now been married twenty years.

I agree with scubad: the OP has shitty friends.

GreenFridge · 13/07/2022 23:44

EarthSight · 13/07/2022 22:48

@YRGAM I think you just outlined that you are definitely not the norm, and that most men probably don't make friends with women unless they find them sexually or romantically appealing.

It’s not been my experience that men only befriend women they find sexually or romantically appealing. I’ve always had good male friends, single and attached, in adulthood and have gone on holidays with them, shared a bed with them in emergencies, etc. No one’s pulled a move on anyone. They add a lot to my life.

43prego · 14/07/2022 02:04

I don't class work mates of class mates as friends, it's another dynamic. Perhaps it dies down with age, a little bit but not much. I realise I have actually one or two men of my age group that I can confidently class as friends. Gems. A true friend is special. It's more a case of "I'll help raise your kids if anything happened" then "I'll jump you if I could". To me, their best friend has to be their partner, not anybody else. And if ever I have a whiff of you toying around, the "workwife" thing, the "it's cultural" thing, out you go. Disqualified. There were never a lot of candidates in the first place. Sic.

EmmaH2022 · 14/07/2022 02:18

I hear you
having to strike out half the human race for friendship makes me really sad
it seems to get worse as I get older. Not what I was expecting.

Swipe left for the next trending thread