Friends with men

[Merciloloo]

I think I am just about done with men. I feel like I had so many male friends (only friends), but they wait until they have a slight chance and try it on or chance their luck.

for context, I’m in a relationship and anytime I have to turn down a guy I know or anything, I honestly feel guilty and dirty because they know I have a boyfriend yet STILL try it on, which makes me think and feel I’ve done something wrong!!!!

does anyone else feel this way?

You don't need to have done anything. If a man enjoys your company enough to befriend you, and also finds you sexually attractive, what else is needed? The only thing separating purely platonic from more, is finding the friend attractive, and its not your fault if you're both likable, and sexually attractive to a wide range of men.
The chancers then try it on, the good guys tend to develop feelings, which they may not act on, but that reveal themselves eventually one way or another and disturb the dynamic.
Then you get the ones who engage you in friendship deliberately as a ruse to get more. I think that happens more when they know you're attached, as they think they need to play the long game. These are easier to spot, as they usually give some signs, flattery, pushing the boundaries and so on. But the ordinary nice guy from your office, your brothers mate, the guy next door, that tends to be more of a surprise.
Don't take any notice of people suggesting it must be something you're doing. If you were flirty, I'm sure you'd know! We all know that men develop interest in women without needing any encouragement at all, even the nice ones. It's very difficult for many women to find one who feels strictly platonically about her.

I’ve a good number of male friends, gay and straight, and the straight ones haven’t tried it on. I doubt they see me that way, but if any of them do, they certainly haven’t let in.

Let on I mean!

I've never had this! I have a good mix of male and female friends too. I must be very unattractive 😂

I’m not sure how I feel about this!

I’ve always had male friends - 100% platonic. The lads I hung around with when I was a teenager never tried it on. I still keep in touch with a few of them and we’re in our 50s.

Maybe I was just too unattractive! 🤣
Seriously though, it would have been weird if they had. They’re like my brothers.

Outside of my friendship group, most men were definitely after one thing. Made my skin crawl.

Xpost! Me too!! 🤣

I agree with this!!

Its not about being unattractive, it's sometimes just about not being attractive to those particular men.
Its also about not always knowing people's private thoughts. Some men do maintain good boundaries when necessary, but women who become single often get some overtures from friends they never saw coming.

Its also about not always knowing people's private thoughts. Some men do maintain good boundaries when necessary

I agree with this. Some of my female friends are almost certainly people I would think differently about if they and I were single. But it's very much an intellectual exercise.

Also good friends is one thing but I wouldn't want to be best friends with a woman.

When I was younger it was quite normal for all my friends to date within the friendship group or at least acquaintances. It could make for some awkwardness when a couple broke up but on the other hand no one had to date strangers and endure strange dates. That was 30 years ago, ie, very much pre-Tinder. I wonder if one of the effects of dating apps is to make that less acceptable.

I have no idea whether any of my male friends find me sexually attractive. If any do, they’ve successfully kept it entirely to themselves and never said or done anything to indicate it, in some cases for decades. In some ways, I think that’s the point — not whether they find me attractive, but whether they have the manners to keep schtum about it if they do.

I don’t necessarily find the feelings themselves problematic — these things happen. I know I had a brief period of being attracted to a lovely married colleague about fifteen years ago, and suspected he felt the same. Neither of us was free to act on it and both of us were happily committed elsewhere, nothing was ever said, and it settled down in time to being a supportive friendship. I’m also good friends with his wife, and now can’t imagine what I saw in him sexually.

If you have a physical appearance that men tend to find appealing ( and most of us know whether we do or not, from the levels of sexual interest shown in us) then I'd say its almost certain some of them do. Why wouldn't they? Like you say, when it's not convenient a lot of people just push the thoughts out of their head. But some things are catalysts for them coming to the fore. Usually either a change in the relationship status of one or the other, or a development in the friendship, more time together, increased levels of intimacy/emotional sharing.

I think this hits the nail on the head, especially the bit about weeding people out.

A couple of male friends hit on me in my 20s but we were all single at the time and they did it respectfully. Most took no for an answer and we're still friendly. I had a fling with another which was fun but we both swiftly realised a relationship wasn't on the cards, he's still a good friend too.

My social circles are very mixed in terms of gender and sexuality and the idea of "gender-segregated socialising" would be laughed out of town by everyone, I think. Nonetheless none of my male friends have hit on me since I've been with DP, presumably because even if they're attracted to me they're respectful of my relationship (and their own). When I think back to the times I made these friends, I always semi-consciously thought about their characters. There are acquaintances I had at the same time who I thought wouldn't be good at respecting boundaries, so I didn't bother getting close to them. Deciding to get platonically closer to someone (male or female) happened because I thought they were a good person. Maybe I'm an unusually good judge of character but I've rarely been proven wrong about someone.

The only thing separating purely platonic from more, is finding the friend attractive

I don't know about this. I've found lots of friends attractive to varying degrees but there's a big gap between aesthetically appreciating a man's face or body, and wanting to actually sleep with them IRL, and an even bigger gap to wanting to be in a relationship with them. From various conversations with men about this I gather they feel similarly.

Enjoying someone's company as a friend is a totally different category to wanting to spend time with them as a lover or partner.

@5128gap when discussing friendships yes. How on earth you've tried to tie that to unwanted sexual advances is truly baffling.

You get to choose your friends, and like it or not, but many women are more naturally flirty than others. I've seen it time and time again.

I read the OP. The whole premise of which is unwelcome sexual advances, coming from men she believed to be her friends.
"Whenever they get the slightest chance they try it on...' The OP doesn't want them to do this. Therefore their 'trying it on' ( aka sexual advances) are unwelcome to her.
Not sure how that could be any less baffling to you.

I agree. Both my closest male friends are objectively attractive men. (One of them I got to know first on the school run, but because DS only joined the school in the local equivalent of Year 4 primary, I only found out later that he had long had a ‘Dishy Dad’-type nickname among a group of the other mothers). I can see that without it disturbing me or wanting to jump their bones.

Finding someone aesthetically pleasing isn't the same as being sexually attracted to them. That's why I said being attracted to the friend (as oppose to merely having an objectively attractive friend) What people find sexually attractive is obviously variable.
However, within that, I think there are people who have looks that appeal to a wide pool of people, like your 'Dishy dad', and presumably the OP, and it stands to reason that some of their friends will find them sexually attractive, and when they do, the feeling stops being entirely platonic, even if the behaviour remains so.

I can't help but wonder if it's certain types of social circles where these things happen as it's not my experience.
I've got heterosexual male friendships that are just platonic, and that's been the norm for me not the exception. It's not really been an issue.

@5128gap most of your comments on this topic have been baffling tbh.

OP either gave some indication there was a chance, and/or didn't do enough to weed out non friends in the first place.

You get to choose your friends, she chose wrongly

I've got male friends, some of them have been clear in the past that they have been interested, one or two it was reciprocated but didn't go anywhere and there's no weirdness either way. They didn't take offence that I wasn't interested and I didn't take offence that they were. We still get on, I get on with their partners and they with mine. My partner has lots of female friends and is in contact and friendly with lots of his exes. However if you're in a committed relationship and they know that, I think it takes on a different tone, definitely. If it feels pushy and presumptious and unwanted then yes, the end of the friendship for me.

Single, have male friends, or have had.
Most of them sooner or later have tried to make a move on me.

The only male friends who never tried it on with me were gay. I get on way better with women anyway.

My friends are about 50/50 male and female. I work with 90% men, so make a lot of friends that way. I’ve not had this problem with close male friends. We all have partners and are just genuinely good mates and enjoying hanging out together.

If you believe that men only make advances to women who have given them an indication they have a chance, then your life experience and understanding of the world must be so limited I'm not surprised you are easily baffled.

I think you have the wrong friends. The majority of my friends are men and definitely platonic