Helping Partner with Past Trauma

[Smyler547]

I've met a really lovely man and we've been dating for a short time. We were previously acquaintances back in college days as we had the same circle of friends but recently met and started a lovely romantic relationship.

I'm just after a little bit of advice on how to support him with past trauma. I know he has been through a lot in his life and was treat really badly by his ex and she was very controlling. He eventually left her and saw counsellors and got back on track and now says he feels his old self now he's with me. The only problem is I sometimes joke about things that he takes the wrong way and it hurts him. We do talk to each other and he has told me when I've done it and what his triggers are but is there anything else I can do to support him with this? I hate seeing him upset or trying to convince himself it was a joke and I meant nothing by it.

Any advice appreciated :)

I know he has been through a lot in his life and was treat really badly by his ex and she was very controlling.

you do not know this at all

you have been dating for a very short period of time. And I find it concerning that he’s even gone on about his ex at this early stage.

It’s not your job to be anything other than a normal, nice empathic human being.

it is his job to get the help, medication and therapy to overcome his trauma.

don’t get to the point where you are on eggshells

It's his job to get over his past trauma. Not yours.

Take it from someone who knows and stayed in a relationship like this. You will end up walking on eggshells shells around this man. Never knowing what to say, what to do, how to act. You will end up being a former shell of yourself. Honestly....this screams out so many red flags.

Again like pp said, it's absolutely NOT your job to help him get over his past trauma.

He's more than likely testing you and you will end up in a coercive controlled relationship.

Depends what you are saying as a joke. If it is unkind banter then you’re the one in the wrong. What sort of thing?

@Bertieboo82 I DO know this as we have mutual friends. The trauma wasnt all the ex either but I do know her so I did have some knowledge on what had gone on before we got together (she's also done the same to one of my other friends who I know better than my partner).

I just want to know how I can support him from my point of view so not to cause any unnecessary distress as I've not been here before.

The joke was just me making a comment while laughing and making it clear it was a joke but he didnt take it like that. I know its not my position to help him through this but we are together and we want to work together to build this relationship and I dont want to ignore things that could trigger things.

He has supported me with things I've been though, you know like couples do?

What was the joke that he took the wrong way? I think this is relevant

@Maunderingdrunkenly We were saying goodbye after spending the day together and he started texting on his phone, I told him to put it down and say goodbye properly while I was laughing and I did say I was joke and to crack on and I'd see him later. I saw his face change, like panic and I asked what was wrong and he said it was an important text and started explaining to me. I told him it was nothing to do with me and I was joking but he ended up getting quite upset as he'd had to explain everything he was doing and everyone he was contacting in the past. I made it clear I really wasnt bothered who he was texting and I was 100% joking and that what happened in the past is not where either of us are now. He has had counselling. I know I just didnt think how it would have been taken when I said it but I was genuinely joking.

Do you not feel like this is a lot of stress early on? Is this what you really want in life? Are you absolutely sure you supporting him isn’t a teensy bit of an ego stroke because you’re a virtuous ‘better’ woman than his ex (who sounds shit and I’m not defending).

Quite a lot of your early contact with him has been about his past trauma - and looks from an outsiders perspective as though that’s killing two birds with one stone; his need for healing and your need to rescue a broken bird. When will that pattern shift back into a partnership of equals? He might like being taking care of, and always refer to his trauma to keep you mummying him.

maybe he just needs to be single and feel settled and happy within himself before he starts to date.

Sweet Jesus
he is touchy
it’s not your job as pp said
it’s his job …

you be your normal happy self

tread carefully with this one

At the end of the day, if you think you can put up with stuff like this then crack on.

At the start, in the honey moon phase, you think you can deal with it because everything else in the relationship is amazing and this is just one small part that you begin to wonder how to deal with. How to help. How to get him over it.

You can't do anything op. This is him. It won't be fixed. He will be the same with any other woman as that's how he is.

I ended up thinking I could deal with it. That I could fix things. 6 years later I left due to emotional above and coercive control. He was amazing at the start apart from this one tiny thing called insecurity. I left calling woman's aid, homeless and needing intensive therapy.

I'm not saying this is going to be the case for you. I hope to god it's not. I just was you (very very similar story) and if I had my red flag radar switched on at the start, I could of saved myself a hell of a lot of heart ache and trauma.

I'd encourage him to go back to therapy if you really want to stay with him. Do not put his issues onto yourself.

With kindness, it’s just job to manage his own triggers, not yours to avoid fairly normal interactions because he finds it difficult. For what it’s worth I’d not be happy if someone couldn’t put their phone down to say goodbye properly - I’d ask them to put their phone down and I wouldn’t be joking, it’s basic respect.

Even knowing someone well you can’t know what their triggers are, and can’t be expected to accommodate them. If he’s still struggling with aspects of being in a relationship he may just not be ready yet - he certainly still has work to do on himself in terms of how he negotiates interactions that he finds triggering regardless of whether he’s in a relationship or not.

@trezzi I'm so sorry you went through that and thank you for sharing as I do need to know what it could turn into so I appreciate that.

I dont think I want to fix him as such, just to know if theres anything I can do to support or ways for me to not cause any extra issues.

@Maunderingdrunkenly she is awful and he knows i'm nothing like her, all our mutual friends know that too. Its just giving him support thats all. We both want this to work and know we have a future together even after a few months together. He has been single a few years before we got together. He did the whole counselling thing and we decided to give things a go due to mutual friends setting us up on a date after we both spoke to mutual friend separately saying how much we liked each other. I knew he'd been though some crap before I agreed to the first date so I wasnt going in blind, I just didnt know I'd feel this way about him and want us to have a future together so I'm willing to help where I can and leave the rest to the professionals.

@Jellycatspyjamas A few of his triggers are due to childhood trauma also and that was a long time ago now. The text he was replying to was to do with work, he gets a lot from different companies as he owns a business so I know he has that to deal with, thats why I wasnt bothered that he was texting before he got into his car. It is his job to manager that, I fully agree, I just dont think its right going into this relationship and not supporting him as he has been supporting me since we got together.

I just know exactly how you are feeling right now. I really do. He's great in so many ways and you want to help him. You care for him and you feel bad tjay he's suffering. You want to make it all better.

But ultimately, by helping him, you won't be fixing him. By avoiding certain situations/conversations/saying certain things isn't going to help him in the slightest and will only drag you further and further down. He will just end up relying on you to treat him a certain way which will be absolutely exhausting for you. If you begin to crumble, he will notice and I can guarantee you will see a different side to him. It's a draining process and ultimately you end up sacrificing so much for an issue that isn't even yours in the first place.

I'm absolutely not saying to give up on the relationship and this is only my story - hopefully not yours! I'd just tread carefully, think about your boundaries and have your red flag radar turned on! It's absolutely fine to support your partner through tough times but the issues are his and for him to deal with.

If he's a good bloke, he will absolutely take accountability for his issues and not expect you to control of them.

Do you or he have any children op?

@trezzi Thank you, I really appreciate what you've said. I know its going to be hard for me to not put my foot in it at times and I know he needs to work on things himself and not be so sensitive when its an innocent comment. He does have a very close friend who he talks to every single day and they support each other with their issues and mental health etc so I know its not all on me. I have told him that I will say wrong things as I do have a tendency to not think before I speak at times.

He doesnt have kids, I have one son who is at university.

I just made my dog bark by screaming, "RUN RUN RUN" at the computer while reading your OP. I agree completely with @trezzi - you can't fix him and attempting to avoid all his "triggers" is simply going to end with you tiptoing around on eggshells.

Your texting "trigger" example is horrendous.

1. It doesn't matter how important the text is because you may have been light hearted about your comment... but you were right. He was being extremely rude. He should have either said goodbye properly OR said, "So sorry, I have to respond to this text - see you later."

2 Now though, it's all on YOU. You triggered him. You weren't supportive enough. It's not HIS fault that he got upset.... I bet you're never going to question how he uses his phone again are you? What happens when he's on the phone while you're out for dinner? answers texts while you're watching a movie? Picks it up during sex? He's just very neatly ensured you will never ever question him on it again.

His trauma may well be real. But he clearly hasn't had enough therapy if he's acting in this controlling way towards you.

My dog and i agree... RUN RUN RUN.

we are together and we want to work together to build this relationship

So why are you asking us what he needs? Ask him, listen to his answers. Unless you're asking for general training in counselling trauma sufferers, we won't know what you need to do that will be right for him. And if you're asking for that, then you're not the right person to be in a relationship with him.

I just dont think its right going into this relationship and not supporting him as he has been supporting me since we got together.

The most supportive thing you can do is be yourself, be clear about your own boundaries and intentions - that way he can see where his trauma still impacts him and can do the work in therapy that he needs to do. You can’t be responsible for not triggering him - assuming you’re not picking on his past to purposely trigger him (which I don’t think for a minute you are).

It’s not actually supportive to try and anticipate what might hit a sore spot for him. He needs to learn how to regulate his own emotions and responses to things he doesn’t like.

I’m also going to be honest, it doesn’t sound like he was triggered - being triggered means the fight/flight response has been activated, it sounds like he didn’t like you calling him out on his behaviour joking or not. Supportive doesn’t mean changing your perfectly normal behaviour - that’s a response to being controlled, which I know you don’t want to hear.

When you say you want to be supportive, what do you think that looks like for you day to day in your relationship with him?

I needed all these different views on this situation so thank you to every one of you.

I know I randomly pick my phone up and have a look at it as I guess we all do and I'd never even thought about his reaction stopping me from asking who it is in future or what he's doing etc. These replies have really opened my eyes on the situation.

I'm now not sure where to go from here as I really do like him but I really cannot get hurt again and it sounds like I might from what some of you have said.

No response to my question

i hope the answer is no

because this screams drama, tension and tears

@Bertieboo82 she had replied. He has no kids and op has one child who is at university

Beware becoming a therapist to him. He won't thank you for it. He'll enjoy your support, get freaked out you know so much about his vulnerabilities, and end it to go off and meet someone new who he can be with who doesn't know his worst bits. As an improved man.

Either he's recovered enough to be able to mostly manage his mental health and have a normal relationship, or he has no business trying to start a serious relationship.

I honestly think this needs to be way scaled back. We've all been there, trying to 'fix' a wounded man who has past trauma. It never ends well.

I think the phone incident was a great example to use in letting him know it's not working for you right now. You need to be able to share your thoughts without second guessing yourself. It was fine to make that joke, he was being rude, he shouldn't have been texting someone else while saying goodbye to you. You will second guess yourself now and tiptoe around him. You can simply say that the phone incident helped you realise that you're not in the right place currently to make a go of it as a couple, and that he can get back in touch in the future when he has processed and worked through the remnants of his relationship and you'll consider if you're still available and interested. And then truly cut contact for a good long while.

Oh gosh. My XH was like this. I thought I could fix him. I couldn't. He turned into a violent and emotionally abusive bully. I would say not your circus, not your monkeys. If he really wants to maintain a good relationship, he needs to get back into therapy. The first lot doesn't appear to have helped him much if he is like this now what was he like before? Or you're being fed a line, and he is grooming you to take more crap. Hopefully not. And my friends said 'run like hell', and I didn't listen....