Helping Partner with Past Trauma

[Smyler547]

I've met a really lovely man and we've been dating for a short time. We were previously acquaintances back in college days as we had the same circle of friends but recently met and started a lovely romantic relationship.

I'm just after a little bit of advice on how to support him with past trauma. I know he has been through a lot in his life and was treat really badly by his ex and she was very controlling. He eventually left her and saw counsellors and got back on track and now says he feels his old self now he's with me. The only problem is I sometimes joke about things that he takes the wrong way and it hurts him. We do talk to each other and he has told me when I've done it and what his triggers are but is there anything else I can do to support him with this? I hate seeing him upset or trying to convince himself it was a joke and I meant nothing by it.

Any advice appreciated :)

Phew!

How long ago was he with the ex?

what was wrong and he said it was an important text and started explaining to me. I told him it was nothing to do with me and I was joking but he ended up getting quite upset

I could not be dealing with this kind of exchange and even if I was sympathetic, pretty soon the attraction would wear off abs then entire thing would become wearing.

He should get therapy.

Sounds to me like he’s using trauma as an excuse for being rude, and so you won’t question his behaviour again. I mean, even if he was genuinely panicked by your comment, the upshot is still that you’re going to think twice before questioning his behaviour again, even in jest.

Nah OP, this isn’t healthy for you.

I had a friend who was engaged to a guy who had suspected OCD. He had various rituals and her whole time together was spent accommodating these, arranging the house so he wasn't triggered, only eating in certain places etc. He wouldn't seek help for it as he was too embarrassed so without realising it, my friend sleepwalked her way into a small, restricted existence constantly worrying about triggering him. Thankfully the relationship ended and looking back now she can see how she was trying to fix him, by changing herself.

So yes, it is a tough one as obviously you don't want to hurt him but also, how he reacts to a perfectly innocent comment isn't your responsibility. It's HIS job to manage his own reactions and responses. Presumably he's getting therapy of some kind? If not, then he should.

The biggest way you can support him is to be yourself and when his reactions are inappropriate, prompt him to talk that over with his counsellor. You can cheer him on from the sidelines but it's not your job to change who you are or what you say in order to accommodate his trauma.

My ex was also traumatised by his ex. She was really shitty and I saw first hand evidence of this. However he was also a cunt. Bear in mind that two people can be toxic. Never again will I date someone who doesn't have their shit together. He ruined my mental health but played the victim. Twat

I think what would speak volumes here is how he reacts to these situations.

If he's treating himself as a victim, feeling sorry for himself, making you feel bad for him, putting the weight of his world onto your shoulders then he has in no way benefitted from any sort of therapy. He's no where near there.

We all have triggers, especially if we have been treated badly in some way but it's how we deal with those triggers. There are many good people out there that have things they find difficult.

A good person would be someone who owns their issues, who takes full accountability for them, who if they have too, can be honest about their struggles but makes it perfectly clear that this is NOT for their partners to deal with and then takes an active role in trying to improve themselves. This is what I would now expect to see....however I'd still probably run a mile.

However I'd also say a good person wouldn't drop their issues on to a new partner in a new relationship. A good person wouldn't want to bring their issues into a new relationship in the first place.

Never again will I date someone who doesn't have their shit together

So many posting on the relationships board would benefit from this simple choice, @Northernsoullover

Good point, well made.

The thing is that you say you know the ex and you saw the behaviour first hand and you therefore believe him etc etc ... but if you looked at BIL and SIL from the outside, you'd totally believe him when he says that she is "toxic", "abusive", "controlling" and a number of other descriptions I can't currently remember....

.... except, that after 10 years of him NOT stepping up,;of her CONSTANTLY having to accommodate his previous trauma; of his insecurities making it so that she couldn't see friends or go to the gym or even work extra hours because he couldn't cope with being apart from her; of her paying ALL of the bills while he works part time and does v little in the house.... suddenly, the way she speaks to him today has a LOT more context.

In retrospect, SIL should have binned him within months of them getting together. Certainly, the red flags were ALL there. But she didn't. And so her world got smaller, her frustrations got bigger and now they can barely be in the same room together.

Needless to say, he'll tell anyone who will listen that HE is the victim.

I'm now not sure where to go from here as I really do like him but I really cannot get hurt again and it sounds like I might from what some of you have said

Is the way he's behaving towards you making you feel good or bad? That's where to get your answer as to whether to go forwards with or without him.

We all have triggers, especially if we have been treated badly in some way but it's how we deal with those triggers. There are many good people out there that have things they find difficult.

Still agreeing with everything @trezzi is saying. When DH and I first moved in together, we used to argue because I hated that he went to bed so late. As it turns out, this was a huge trigger for me because my mum used to do this - stay up super late watching tv or whatever. But... as a result, she was SHIT in the morning and we were largely left to our own devices if Dad wasn't there or we'd be late because she couldn't drag herself out of bed. Or she'd be asleep so wouldn't hear us asking questions or telling her about things. DH pointed out that he did NONE of those things (its' true, his ability to get on with things even when knackered is legendary). When I realised this, I had to let it go. It still sometimes stresses me out but it's MY issue, NOT his.

From experience, having PTSD, new relationships can be triggering in themselves and can bring trauma back. But all in all, love is healing. I was in a good place mentally when I met my DF, had worked on myself etc, was going to (and still in therapy), but just the dynamic of learning someone, being vulnerable, accepting love and kindness.. it was triggering. I didn't know if he meant the kind things, or if he was grooming me, or manipulating me.

It did settle down and I'm thankful that DF helped me and understood me.

I think if your guy was in denial about his trauma, and was unwilling to get other help for himself, that would be a red flag. I think if he's self aware and open about things, then go for it.

As for helping him, it's trial and error really. Eventually he will trust you enough and know you enough to know you're joking, and that you're safe and you care. Just be there and be kind. But don't try to walk on eggshells. You don't want to lose yourself in helping him. Xxx

@Bertieboo82 - I did reply to your question - I have a son at university.

@Watchkeys I'm honestly so happy with him, when we are together its fun and full of laughter and joy, when we are apart we keep in touch when we can but we both work weird shifts which we both understand so that side of things is great.

@GoT1904 Thank you, I really needed to hear from someone who has had similar. He's definitely not in denial, he has been getting help and continues to do so and has been very open with me about that. He hasnt gone into detail about the issues he has had int he past and I dont want to know either as I've seen enough first hand what he dealt with. I fully intend to support him but I wont change who I am as a person to do that. I'm quite a grounded person anyway :)

Absolutely this! My exH always had insecurities I was going to cheat on him. I should of seen the red flags after I went on holiday without him. I went with my family, it was absolutely ridiculous to think I'd cheated on him but he thought I had. Spent my holiday on edge and so much time trying to convince him I hadn't when I returned home. Stupidly I ended up marrying him.

He couldn't see that I wasn't like his ex. I've never cheated on anyone in my life and never would. I've had it done to me and no way would I ever inflict that pain on to someone else.

Towards the end of my marriage one of us slept with someone else....I'll let you figure out which one of us it was!

It's such a positive that you recognise your triggers yet can realise that they are yours and it doesn't mean that same situation is going to happen again. Especially from childhood trauma too as that's a hard one to get past.

@trezzi @Triffid1 I know he has said to me that he knows what the triggers are and even his parents have started to explain to him that they didnt mean things the way he took them and he is definitely getting better are recognising his triggers.

Its so hard wanting to be there for someone and not upset them over some really insignificant thing. I just want to help him work through that and also educate myself to what his triggers are so I'm not doing things without realising.

Thankyou both for an insight into your lives.

I just want to help him work through that and also educate myself to what his triggers are so I'm not doing things without realising.

But how on earth can you predict the sort of things he claims are "triggers"? I mean, your example - there was NO WAY you could ever predict that telling him (lightly) he's being rude when he IS being rude, would be a trigger. Can you see how impossible it is for you to have predicted that? But now you're never allowed to tell him he's rude again in case it "triggers" him.

Maybe his other triggers are that if he doesn't hear from you when you're out with your girlfriends he thinks you're cheating on him - does that mean you have to set an alarm on your phone to remind you hourly to send him a message?

Or maybe he has a trigger that he hates blue dresses - so a) are you going to magically know this and b) once you figure it out (because you wear one, he freaks out, you apologise) you then never wear a blue dress again?

He had a tough childhood - is a "trigger" hearing people talk about their good childhood's? Are you going to now not be allowed to reference that you had a good childhood vs his shitty one?

Or whatever.

It's really not on you to avoid his triggers. If he doesn't want to watch movies about children being hurt because that's a trigger and one in which he can control his own environment accordingly. I don't watch such shows but I have no issue with DH watching them. Because I'm not a controlling twat.

He couldn't see that I wasn't like his ex. I've never cheated on anyone in my life and never would. I've had it done to me and no way would I ever inflict that pain on to someone else.

When BIL started accusing SIL of cheating, it did make me wonder whether his ex ("psycho", "manipulative", "grabby" etc) HAD cheated or whether that was all in his head too......

I just want to help him work through that and also educate myself to what his triggers are so I'm not doing things without realising

Then he needs to tell you when you trigger him. It's not rocket science, and he's not a fascinating puzzle for you to work out. He needs to respect that you can't be expected to know in advance, or suffer from not knowing. He needs to communicate clearly with you, even when he gets triggered. If he's not able to do this, he's not healed enough to be able to have a healthy relationship.

@Triffid1 Exactly why I was asking for advice as I only know what I've seen and have had no experience like this previously.

@Watchkeys Yeah i wanted advice from others who may have gone through similar. I'm not trying to work anything out and he has talked to me about his triggers and how he feels, he has already said that he is working on unlearning the behaviours he got used to. I respect that and have told him I'm here to support him but theres things I dont need / want to know about his past as I feel I already know enough. I'm not treating my relationship as a puzzle to work out, I'm just trying to understand and hopefully move forward and have a long lasting relationship with him.

@Smyler547 I'm sorry, I know it must seem like I'm being very negative and very critical and probably very cynical, but your posts make me nervous. As @Watchkeys says, it's not on you and he needs to respect that you can't possibly know his triggers and that you absolutely should not suffer as a result of them.

I also don't really understand why you don't want to know about his trauma. You're talking about developing a long term relationship with this person. I completely agree you shouldn't be pushing him to tell you details beyond what he's comfortable with, but I think asking him to keep it to himself isn't right either.

At best, it sounds like you both mean well, but you are struggling to get the balance right. You still seem to think that it was okay that he freaked out when you commented on him being rude which is weird but from what I'm reading it sounds like this is your version of being understanding - accepting his triggers. But you're not actually willing to support him by trying to understand what happened to him?

@Triffid1 Honestly I really appreciate your replies as its a different perspective from what I had and I really needed that. I just want things to work between us. He has told me the triggers are the control side so when I made a joke about the phone he thought I'd meant it negatively as thats what his ex used to do to find out who he was messaging constantly. But, as I know his friends (mutual) and his staff at work I know I have nothing to worry about from that side. She made him cut ties with his friends and family and was very controlling so I can totally understand the issues he has with certain triggers. I did ask him to see it from my point of view which he did and apologised then handed me his phone to look through and I handed it back to him as I dont need to see that to trust him.

The trauma I dont want to know about is the venom that came from his ex, I dont want the full details of certain incidents etc I know enough and we've discussed incidents when I was physically there in the past.

I'm just really confused by it all as I've never had to deal with this before.

He'd made a joke a month or so ago about stalking my photos on instagram and I laughed it off, then a few weeks back I mentioned a photo he'd posted with us all together from 20+ years ago and he asked if I'd been stalking him, jokingly I said yes and laughed and he said not to say that as thats what he had to contend with in the past. I explained to him that he'd done the same to me and said word for word the same and I didnt take it any other way other than a joke. The realisation dawned on him then, I could see his face change as he grasped what I was saying and that its not ok for him to say things if I cant and he agreed. I thought I was getting somewhere with him then.

@Moretodo Thats hilarious, no I've NEVER had an abusive relationship, at all ever. The issues I've had were around mental health through my job, nothing at all to do with any relationship I've ever been in. I'm very independent and had been single a long time before we got together a few months back and actually wasnt looking for a relationship. So you're wrong on every level I'm afraid 😂

The thing is - you weren't even (jokingly) accusing him of cheating. You were saying he was rude to be on his phone instead of saying good bye to you. So he's twisted this all up so that it's about his ex's (supposed) control and abuse and now you're feeling bad. I've seen this before - Person A does something that's not okay. Person B challenges Person A. Person A then defends themselves and uses the actual CHALLENGE as a stick to beat Person B with.

You see, I'd be understanding (albeit annoyed) if, for example, he snapped at you, "look, I can go on my phone if I want to, I'm a grown adult" when you commented because he is sensitive about it. But that's NOT what's happening. His trigger isn't affecting him.... it's affecting YOU and YOUR behaviour. And that's NOT okay.