Helping Partner with Past Trauma

[Smyler547]

I've met a really lovely man and we've been dating for a short time. We were previously acquaintances back in college days as we had the same circle of friends but recently met and started a lovely romantic relationship.

I'm just after a little bit of advice on how to support him with past trauma. I know he has been through a lot in his life and was treat really badly by his ex and she was very controlling. He eventually left her and saw counsellors and got back on track and now says he feels his old self now he's with me. The only problem is I sometimes joke about things that he takes the wrong way and it hurts him. We do talk to each other and he has told me when I've done it and what his triggers are but is there anything else I can do to support him with this? I hate seeing him upset or trying to convince himself it was a joke and I meant nothing by it.

Any advice appreciated :)

Also, I'm sorry, but his mentioning stalking THEN accusing you of doing it.... that freaks me out.

Be honest, have there been any other similarly hypocritical moments from him!? Where he comments/ jokes about something then actually, either does it himself or gets upset if you mention it?

But that's NOT what's happening. His trigger isn't affecting him.... it's affecting YOU and YOUR behaviour. And that's NOT okay.

Absolutely this. If things that he calls triggers change or impact your behaviour in any way then the relationship becomes controlling. If you inadvertently touch on a sore spot for him the response should purely be an explanation of what you were trying to do (eg having a joke, clarifying something with him etc) and his reaction to that is his to deal with.

While I think an awareness of trauma is very helpful, some of the language around trauma is a gift to people who want to control others “you know that’s a trigger for me so my inappropriate reaction is your fault, you can’t do x, y or z because it triggers me”. We all are responsible for ourselves and our reactions triggered or not. You changing your way of being to accommodate him isn’t supportive of him or honouring of you.

It does sound like it would be one rule for you and another one for him. Which again, sadly would end up more than likely in a coercive controlled relationship.

Yeah i wanted advice from others who may have gone through similar

Nobody can advise you on how to deal with your partner. This isn't about any external locus of evaluation, or getting it right or wrong. This is about the two of you working out what works for you as individuals and as a couple. Same as with any other couple: be yourself. If he is scared of being controlled, and you're the controlling type, then your relationship won't work, but you have to be yourself and nothing else, in order to find out. If he asks you not to do something because it triggers you, then stop doing it, or find a compromise by talking with him. There's no specialist advice that 'other partners of abused people' can give you, because they don't know what he needs, and what you need.

But, as I know his friends (mutual) and his staff at work I know I have nothing to worry about from that side

Again, you're using an external locus of evaluation. You know you can trust him because you know people who know him? It's a worry you'd say or feel that: trust isn't something that comes from others, it's between you and him. If you were worried about his constant messaging, that's for him to reassure you about, or you to reassure yourself. You shouldn't need the reassurance of knowing his mates.

This doesn't look too healthy, all in all. Not what you want to hear, I'm sure, but it just seems like you're trying to have the relationship you think you should have, rather than one that makes you feel settled, comfortable, and safe to be yourself, unfettered.

“you know that’s a trigger for me so my inappropriate reaction is your fault, you can’t do x, y or z because it triggers me”.

This is 100% BIL. It's classic controlling behaviour, wrapped in a sneaky cloak of "you should help me because I'm a victim."

You weren't 'joking' you were passive aggressively telling him to get off his phone.

Carry on being you OP.

It’s great that he’s confronted his demons (so to speak) through therapy and he should also have the emotional tools now to cope when something triggers him. Keep those lines of communication open – that is a great form of therapy in itself if he can let you know when something’s got to him and you can both talk through it.

He will also understand that there’s no way you can know what might trigger him and the strangest of things might trigger him. The minute you start feeling like you’ve got to avoid x, y and z situation/conversation in case you trigger him is when it becomes unhealthy for you both – like others have said, treading on eggshells.

I’m in a similar situation as him, in that, I have some issues which I’ve dealt with, come to terms with through therapy and am as far as I can be but the subject can crop up from time to time – people who don’t know can randomly say something that will set me off (internally) fretting and I have the coping mechanisms for that (obviously I can't erase my past but it DOES come back to haunt me).

I’m very selective about who knows because I don’t want a pity party and I don’t want people to feel they have to behave differently around me or avoid certain topics of conversation – I know it is my issue to deal with and these people are not the cause.

It becomes a very grey area whenever I date though as that can put me in a very triggering situation and I HAVE to have a conversation with the guy about it when the time is right. I get varied responses to that conversation, ranging from ghosting, standing me up, the Slow Fade, or, the worst, “A Plan Of Action”. It isn’t a problem that needs fixing, it is an issue that needs working through dynamically, in the moment, with compassion, trust, care and patience.

So I think it is wonderful that he has found someone (you) who has that kindness and patience to not write him off as hard work when he’s already done a lot of the hard work and feels safe enough with you to talk about it. Don’t try to come up with a solution all on your own (he may well resent that) – ask him if there’s anything you can do that he would find helpful. It might make no sense to you but be open to whatever he says.

In a nutshell, carry on being you; keep the lines of communication open; it’s not your job to fix him (he’s not broken).

Caveat: If he is using this past trauma to validate any bad treatment of you then ignore all of the above and walk away.

@DatingDinosaur Thank you so much for your insight. Im really glad you understand but so very sorry you are going through something similar.

We did have a really good talk last night, he apologised for what happened and we've discussed our future together, what his coping mechanisms are (to walk away and clear his head for 5 mins) and he's so pleased we are communicating well with each other. Neither of us are hiding anything and everything else are are doing together is amazing. I know a few months is still early days for a relationship but I'm hoping we can work together through the negative parts and grow together as a couple. I just want us both to be happy as does he :)

He does have a habit of having his phone on speaker when he's chatting to anyone about work so he can make notes and things so I know he's not hiding anything from me and I also understand he has a business to run.

To the person who said I was passive aggressive about the getting off the phone you couldn't be more wrong if you tried.

I think you're lovely for this post OP! He's a lucky guy. Myself and my partner have both been through some tough stuff in our lives - he has so much loss and abandonment, and I was in an emotionally abusive marriage which I managed to get out of and spend some time in a refuge. We met and every day we help each other. We aren't therapists, and we know we can't fix each other but even in the early days we supported each other. I laughed when I read your message about triggering him, because I've acted the same as him before but in a slightly different situation...my partner asked what time roughly I thought I'd be back from a night out and it triggered me because that brought back so many negative emotions/memories attached to nights out and me getting home fifteen minutes later than id said etc. I'd say communication is everything, listen to him and just be someone he can lean on. Xx

@Namechanged454 Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean a lot to me. I'm so sorry you went through that but it sounds like you're in a much better place now which is lovely. We're working through things, it still early days but we are both working together to get through this. Thanks again xx

OP, you sound really nice - you say you have been dating for a short time, so normally you would expect to be in the honeymoon phase of a relationship where you both show your best selves all the time. If this is his best self you are in for a miserable time in the future. You say you have a son at Uni so you must be late 30s to early 40s. If he is in the same age range and he is still so dramatically affected by his childhood relationship with his parents, he has masses of therapeutic work to do before he is fit to be in a relationship. He sounds like really hard work and you could wear yourself out second guessing and supporting him. I would get on my horse and get the hell out of Dodge.

@SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain Thank you for your message. Oh believe me the honeymoon phase is well n truly underway :) I just wanted to know how to support going forward really as I do see a future for us, as does he. I'm not going into this with rose tinted glasses and I know most relationships need work, hence getting advice about this now rather than further down the line.

Yes I'm mid 40's as is he. His childhood trauma wasnt his parents (they are both very lovely and extremely supportive) we've talked and he's never been in a relationship where he's wanting to work on himself and give someone the best of him. I said I'd support him with this as he will with me (I have a very demanding job and he's very understanding when I cant always do what we'd planned to do).