Don’t want to move in with boyfriend but he does

[Happyfeet82]

My boyfriend is 25 and has just started renting a flat, I am 24 and just finished university, currently still living at home with my parents. He has asked me to move in with him and initially I agreed, but now I know I don’t want to. I don’t feel ready to move out and I am still quite young, however he is convinced I am moving in. His mum is very pushy and keeps talking to me about it and out of sheer panic I keep going along with it (silly I know) I wish I never agreed. I don’t want to hurt his feelings as I am really happy in our relationship and there is nothing wrong with him at all, I just don’t feel ready and I’m still very young. I really don’t know how to tell him (and his family) that I don’t want to move in without hurting anyones feelings. It sounds silly but every time he brings it up I keep changing the subject, we just came back from a lovely holiday and I don’t want to spoil anything.

any advice?

It's not a no but a not right now. You need to do what you want and feel comfortable with.

You need to tell him. It’s not fair on him to string him along knowing that you won’t do it - the longer you leave it the bigger the lie will grow. Nip it in the bud now and do him the courtesy of being honest.

Has he rented this place with a financial commitment based on you moving in?
You need to tell him asap anyway, but especially if that’s the case.

You're not young. He's not the right person is all. Always go with your gut.

Just tell him. You'll be relieved

Please don't move in with a man because you're too polite to say no.

You need to tell him as soon as possible so he can find himself a flatmate to share the bills.

It will be much easier now than later. Say you plan to live at home because you can't afford to cover half the bills and he needs to find someone with more disposable income,

My advice is don't. Plain and simple. He's not your boss and nor is his bloody mother.

And you need to extracate yourself from a relationship where you feel steamrollered and unable to speak your mind.

If it doesn't feel right then don't move in, but don't use age as a excuse. 24 isn't young. I was married with a mortgage at 24.

How long have you been together?

Only asking because this may have some bearing on whether or not your feeling about this is likely to change. If you’ve already been together a few years, moving in could be seen as a normal progression so if you don’t want to do that (and it’s fine to not want to do that), it may be because you don’t want to commit long-term to this boyfriend. Or perhaps you would prefer to be married before living together. Only you know what is the situation here.

In any case, it’s absolutely wrong for you to be pushed into this if you’re not ready and, hard as it is, you’re just going to have to make that clear.

All that said, 24 is certainly old enough to be living independently rather than at home with your parents and this might be why your mum is so keen on the idea. Perhaps look into finding your own place?

Don't move in with him if you don't want to, OP. But this:

I’m still very young

... isn't true. You're really not, you know.

You're not too young to move in with someone else and definitely not too young to have moved out of your parents' house.

You're "not ready to move out"?! You're 24 not 14!

I have just finished university and cannot financially move out of my parents house is what I am saying.

Don't ever move in with someone out of politeness. His mum sounds pushy. Don't let pushy people dictate how you live your life. If he is a good person he will understand. He won't want you to do something you aren't comfortable with. Be honest. Tell him you're happy with him but you aren't ready to move in yet. That is far kinder than to lead him along thinking something is happening that isn't. He may be relieved - he'll have realised you're avoiding the issue.

Don't make such a big decision based on not hurting someone else's feelings. Your primary responsibility is to your own feelings.

Interesting replies

i can understand feeling too young to live with a boyfriend, but you are more than old enough to move out generally.

you must say no, don't get railroaded into this, it's a big deal.

Did you live away when at uni? Echoing the you're not too young to move in with someone, (also married at 25) but you don't need to move in with someone you don't want to.

You're too young to not live with your parents? You said you're 24, correct? Not 14.

Well if you can't afford it just say you can't afford it.

It doesn't matter what other people think about you living at home or the "right age" to move on. It only matters what your circumstances are and what you and your parents think.

You are very clear in your own mind that you don't want to move in with him at the moment and you feel you are too young to be tied down in this way. So that is what you must stick to.

You need to learn some assertiveness techniques and recognise that its OK if people get shirty or cross if you don't do exactly what they want you to do. Saying no because its not what you want to do is not rude or impolite. Being pushy and browbeating you and pushing you into doing something is rude and impolite.

Look. Its probably very obvious that you are reluctant and less than enthusiastic about the idea and I think its one thing for your BF to ask, its quite another thing for his mother to be "pushy" about it. What else will they both be pushy about when you move in. What if you get a job in another town and they start saying but you can't leave the flatshare?
It really sounds to me like his mother wants you to start paying half his bills and rent. Why should you if you are not ready.
Also you have just left uni and life is about to change quite a bit. There's no harm in waiting to see what happens in terms of jobs and careers and making your decision in your own time. That is much more like being independent, whether you are temporarily living with parents or not.
Stand your ground. Don't let pushy people walk all over you. Your life is your own and so must your decisions be. Good luck.

Don't do it and tell him, you are happy as you are? Tbh it would make sense to stay at home and save for your own place than throw away renting with him just because he wants you to. Probably because you'll be helping him with rent.

You don't have to. Tell him you'd rather not make that kind of commitment until you're financially independent. Don't use age as an excuse though, you're not 'very young' to be flying the nest. Be honest.

In the kindest possible way you need to start growing a backbone.

If you don’t want to do something then you have to be ok with saying no.
And if you accidentally agree to something then you need to be comfortable changing your mind.

Ring him now and tell him you’ve decided not to move in together as you don’t want to rush anything and ruin what you have.

Are you vulnerable in any way?
Not being rude but you sound much younger than 24 and so maybe this is why you struggle saying no.

Run.
Fast.

Why is his mother involved in your business?

You desperately need assertiveness training before you start working if you cannot tell your boyfriend you don't want to move in with him, or anyone, right now.

What's the rush if you are comfortable at home and can't afford to move out, and are happy with your parents, and they are happy too?

You need to tell him, but you need to think long and hard about a relationship where a woman who is NOTHING to you is telling you what you should be doing.

THAT is unbelievable and really unacceptable.

Woman up fast or life is going to be very hard.

Your not ready to move in with someone if you don't feel able to have difficult conversations with them

Full stop.

As someone said upthread, you need to grow a backbone and tell him. Said with kindness...