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Original poster

Don’t want to move in with boyfriend but he does

68 replies

Happyfeet82 · 11/07/2022 19:01

My boyfriend is 25 and has just started renting a flat, I am 24 and just finished university, currently still living at home with my parents. He has asked me to move in with him and initially I agreed, but now I know I don’t want to. I don’t feel ready to move out and I am still quite young, however he is convinced I am moving in. His mum is very pushy and keeps talking to me about it and out of sheer panic I keep going along with it (silly I know) I wish I never agreed. I don’t want to hurt his feelings as I am really happy in our relationship and there is nothing wrong with him at all, I just don’t feel ready and I’m still very young. I really don’t know how to tell him (and his family) that I don’t want to move in without hurting anyones feelings. It sounds silly but every time he brings it up I keep changing the subject, we just came back from a lovely holiday and I don’t want to spoil anything.

any advice?

OP posts:

ItsTuesdayToday · 11/07/2022 20:13

24 isn't young! But yes I agree with pp, if you don't want to move in don't, but if you can't discuss this with him he's not the one for you I don't think

DatingDinosaur · 11/07/2022 20:25

You can’t just bury your head in the sand and hope it miraculously goes away.

Would you like help with how to phrase the conversation with him? It HAS to happen.

I’ll throw this idea in…
Next time the topic comes up with him … yeah, can we talk about that, I’ve been thinking.. I know you’re really keen for me to move in soon and your Mum’s even keener! but I’d really like to get sorted with a job first that’s not in McD’s and I think the stress of job hunting/new job and leaving my parents all at the same time is just a little bit too much too quickly. It’s a big time of change in my life and I’m feeling a little bit freaked out/overwhelmed by it all so if we can break it down into bitesize pieces I’d feel a lot happier. I am still super keen to do this but can we delay and I’m soooo sorry for backtracking.

I’d also like to point out that it’s absolutely okay if you get upset in the middle of the conversation – it might even help highlight just how muddled up you are with it all. If he’s got a half-decent bone in his body he will be absolutely fine with this (disappointed maybe, but..)

And to his Mum – (either) .. ahh, you’ve not spoken to [boyfriend’s name] yet have you. We’ve agreed to delay this for the moment [brief explanation about overwhelm/too much too soon]. Or …Yes, we’ve agreed to delay it a bit that’s all [confirm what you’ve already discussed with him].

FKATondelayo · 11/07/2022 20:44

Why pile on the OP for saying she is young? 24 IS young for moving in and making a serious commitment to a boyfriend. It's not 1960 any more.

WorkCleanRepeat · 11/07/2022 20:53

I hope my kids dont think they are too young to move out at 24!

Seriously though. Dont do anything your not ready for, just bite the bullet and tell him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/07/2022 20:54

You need to work very hard on your assertiveness and boundaries. Very very hard.

DoingJustFine · 11/07/2022 21:05

When you tell him you don't want to move in, please don't say you'd like to get a job/save X amount money/ or any other milestone. Or he'll be waiting for that, in good faith.

Just tell the truth: "I love our relationship but I'm not ready to live with a boyfriend. I hope we can continue to date each other but I understand if you'd rather find someone who's looking for the same things you are."

Clue: he won't dump you for this. He really won't. (Unless his mum tells him to.)

DinosaursEatMan · 11/07/2022 21:06

I like @DatingDinosaur s advice.

I was in a pretty much identical situation in my early twenties and said no without having a conversation about it because I wanted to hold out for a nice 3 bed mortgage which we definitely couldn’t afford. Having a mature conversation about it would have been the sensible thing to do and I still wonder ‘what if’ to this day.

Hoolahulahoop · 11/07/2022 21:10

You know you are not too young. But his mother is very involved. So put your boundaries in place. You don't have to settle just yet.

DragonwithoutaDungeon · 12/07/2022 01:07

@Happyfeet82 You said it yourself in your OP "I'm not ready" and then hedged a little because I guess you are afraid of what not ready means?

It's ok to not want to move in together because of finances or because you are not ready, or both!

Talk to your BF, just be honest about how you feel but maybe take a little time to work out what it is you do feel first.

At 24 you are old enough for pretty much everything though

GlamorousHeifer · 12/07/2022 06:14

You're are most definitely not too young (I had my own property and a one year old at your age) so don't use that as your 'argument' against moving in.
Tell the truth, you can't afford to move out (if that's true) and next time you're in a similar situation don't just nod along until it gets to this point.

AgentJohnson · 12/07/2022 06:20

But you didn’t say you couldn’t financially afford to move out, you said you were too young.

He thinks you’re moving in with him because you said you would. Tell him that you’ve changed your mind but it sounds like your not ready for this next stage in your life. There’s no problem with not being ready but you have to question why you haven’t communicated this to your bf.

HollowTalk · 12/07/2022 06:22

His mum would probably prefer him to live with you than with his mates. It's not her choice though.

GreyCarpet · 12/07/2022 06:50

As everyone else has said, 24 isn't young. I wonder who has made you feel that it is..? But its perfectly valid to not feel ready to move out or move in with someone and perhaps you are conflating this feeling of not being ready with being too young? And that is perfectly fine!

As others have said, don't do it out of politeness or fear of standing up for yourself. It's not his mum's decision - she may well just be excited for ypu both if she feels that it's something you both want - some parents are ridiculously focused on getting their 20somethng kids partnered up and settled down! And it's not his decision either. It's yours.

But you do need to tell him because, at the moment, you're not being honest with anyone.

knickersniff · 12/07/2022 07:10

Tbh you both need to move back home and save to buy your own property. Don't get stuck like I did . It's very difficult to save when you pay rent .

justbesensible · 12/07/2022 07:14

Emptyandsad · 11/07/2022 20:12

Your not ready to move in with someone if you don't feel able to have difficult conversations with them

Full stop.

As someone said upthread, you need to grow a backbone and tell him. Said with kindness...

This

KatherineJaneway · 12/07/2022 07:27

You need to start standing up for yourself and, I am sorry to be so harsh, but you need to grow up too. 24 isn't 'very young', your age is no excuse.

ASAP you need to sit your bf down and tell him you are not moving in. It is unfair to him and his family to string them along rather than have a difficult conversation not to mention the stress you feel yourself. With big life decisions like moving in with someone, you need to think them through, not just say yes to appease someone else. Yes there will be fallout once you have the conversation but you need to have it sooner rather than later. He is likely planning on your share of the rent etc.

Good luck op and sorry to have been so harsh 💐

PeppaPigIsAnnoying · 12/07/2022 07:29

Some alarm bells here for me, bf and his bloody mother pressuring you

It's got nothing to do with her. Imagine what she would be like in the future if you had a child, telling you how to raise it, commenting on everything you do

Proceed with caution and don't move in until you're ready as once you're there it will be harder to move out

erinaceus · 12/07/2022 07:38

You’re not too young to move out, but that doesn’t mean that you feel ready to move in with him.

If finances are a barrier, that is quite a different line of reasoning. It sounds as if you just do not want to move in with him.

iIf you do not want to split with him just yet, you could suggest that he put the question on hold for six months or so and revisit it then.

Coldiron · 12/07/2022 09:00

Was your boyfriend living at home before he started renting? Was he doing his share of household chores at home or did his mum do them for him?

Emptyandsad · 12/07/2022 09:16

Don't live your life trying to please people. You're not responsible for anybody else's happiness but your own. So dont be ashamed of standing up for yourself; if you don't, who else will?

Understand yourself and what you want - and then own it!

Daleksatemyshed · 12/07/2022 09:26

You don't need an excuse Op, truth is you just don't want to live with him, not now, maybe never.
Don't be pushed into moving in, just say you've changed your mind, no excuses needed.
His DM seems a bit too keen, either she's happy to get him out of her house which doesn't sound good or she's hoping for a Grandchild, either way it's too much too soon. At 24 you're old enough to stand up for yourself, get on and do it

Pleaseletmeconfirm · 12/07/2022 09:54

It's really unfair of you to be stringing him along. You need to tell him. You don't need an excuse or a 'good' reason.
Would you have been paying rent?

thethoughtfox · 12/07/2022 10:03

His mum probably wants to make sure someone looks after her boy. That is not your job.They will both want someone to do the cooking and cleaning and help with the bills. This would be the worst reason to move in with someone.

oobeedoobee · 12/07/2022 10:06

I think you're a little immature, rather than chronologically 'young', and that's nothing to be ashamed of. We all develop 'maturity' at different ages, so I get that you still feel 'too young' in maturity, rather than in age.

That being said, you do need to grow up with regards to allowing yourself to get 'swept up' with your BF's 'plans' (although, his plan on moving in together may well be the next natural 'step' in your relationship if you've been dating for a couple of years.).

You have to 'bite the bullet' and tell him that you simply don't feel ready to move in with him. You'll also need to feel clear in your own mind exactly why this is. But a simple ''I'm sorry BF, but I'm just not ready to move in with you'' has to be the start of the discussion.

Only you know if it's because you aren't sure of him ? Or if it's because you're actually afraid of becoming a 'full' adult ? Or if you're not sure where you might end up working i.e abroad ? Or if you don't feel you've dated long enough yet ?

There's hundreds of perfectly reasonable explanations. It's up to you to acknowledge what the real reason is, and whether you want to tell him, or whether you'd rather lie to save his feelings ?

ThisBloodyWeatherIsKillingMe · 12/07/2022 10:08

It's not your age that's the cause of you not wanting to move in - it's the fact that you don't want the commitment of living with your bloke. Tell him and stop being a wimp.

I was married with 2 kids at 24.

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