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Original poster

Don’t want to move in with boyfriend but he does

68 replies

Happyfeet82 · 11/07/2022 19:01

My boyfriend is 25 and has just started renting a flat, I am 24 and just finished university, currently still living at home with my parents. He has asked me to move in with him and initially I agreed, but now I know I don’t want to. I don’t feel ready to move out and I am still quite young, however he is convinced I am moving in. His mum is very pushy and keeps talking to me about it and out of sheer panic I keep going along with it (silly I know) I wish I never agreed. I don’t want to hurt his feelings as I am really happy in our relationship and there is nothing wrong with him at all, I just don’t feel ready and I’m still very young. I really don’t know how to tell him (and his family) that I don’t want to move in without hurting anyones feelings. It sounds silly but every time he brings it up I keep changing the subject, we just came back from a lovely holiday and I don’t want to spoil anything.

any advice?

OP posts:

Babdoc · 12/07/2022 10:19

DH and I moved in together at 19 and 20. I was a hospital doctor by age 24.
This is nothing to do with your age and everything to do with your gut feeling that you are being railroaded into something you don’t want, by your BF and his pushy mother.
Listen to your gut. Stop being a meek polite, little people pleaser and find your voice, your boundaries and your self belief. You need to make the decision that is right for you, not your BF’s mother, and stick to
it. Courage, OP!

Emptyandsad · 12/07/2022 12:01

Can I just say that there is no route to happiness in life that doesn't involve learning to stand up for yourself. Once you do, you will be amazed at how much easier life becomes and how much happier you become. And, like so many things, it's not as difficult as it seems to you at the moment.

So, give it a go. Be unapologetic, while still sensitive to the effect your wishes may have on others. Be kind but honest and don't back down. "I understand that this may upset you but... I don't want to move in with you/go to Magaluf for my holidays/look after your dog while you go for a stag weekend..."

TedMullins · 12/07/2022 12:29

You really need to learn to be assertive and say no. You’re an adult, you’re definitely not too young to be moving out of your parents house but you seem to perceive yourself as an incapable child? Most people want to find jobs and live independently after university (either sharing with friends or a partner) and living at home would just be a stop gap to save money. You need to be honest with him but maybe also think about moving out into a shared place with friends to work on your independence.

2bazookas · 12/07/2022 14:19

Stop messing him about with lies and pretences.

TELL HIM you've decided to stay at home.

Irishfarmer · 12/07/2022 14:32

You need to just say 'Mike I'm sorry I've been thinking about it, and I don't feel ready to move in with you'

Did he take that specific flat hoping you would move in with him? Or knowing you would (because you said you would)? Bit bad if it's the 2nd one he may have taken something he can't afford.

How long are ye together? If not long then that's all good, if it has been a while then you may want to look at why you don't want to live with him. I moved in with a bf at 21 after uni, granted it didn't work out but we had been together a few years at that point and it was the next natural step. And no it wasn't in 1960 it was 2010s

WhenDovesFly · 12/07/2022 14:40

Tell him you've been giving it a lot of serious thought and realise you're just not ready yet for the commitment. Choose a time when it's just you and him, not when you're with his DM, so that she can't pile the pressure on.

How he reacts will tell you a lot about your future relationship. If he's accepting then it shows a level of maturity. If he piles on more pressure or gets angry, then he's not a keeper.

Living there on his own for a while will do him the world of good and teach him vital living skills. Don't be sucked into doing any of his cleaning/housework when you visit him though.

You really need to have the conversation soon though. If you can't pluck up the courage to have this chat then your relationship is definitely not in the right place to be living together.

takeitandleaveit · 12/07/2022 14:57

He and his parents are keen for you to move in because it will immediately reduce his costs by 50%.

Stay at home with your family and start saving for your own place, don't waste your money paying someone else's bills for them.

Testina · 12/07/2022 15:02

Why is his mum pushy?
You told him that you wanted to move in.
You’ve gone along with that when she talks about it.
That’s not pushy! It only feels pushy because you’ve been wishy washy.

Cheeseandlobster · 12/07/2022 15:08

KatherineJaneway · 12/07/2022 07:27

You need to start standing up for yourself and, I am sorry to be so harsh, but you need to grow up too. 24 isn't 'very young', your age is no excuse.

ASAP you need to sit your bf down and tell him you are not moving in. It is unfair to him and his family to string them along rather than have a difficult conversation not to mention the stress you feel yourself. With big life decisions like moving in with someone, you need to think them through, not just say yes to appease someone else. Yes there will be fallout once you have the conversation but you need to have it sooner rather than later. He is likely planning on your share of the rent etc.

Good luck op and sorry to have been so harsh 💐

This. Its not fair to string him along as he is probably planning the move with 2 incomes in mind. How would you feel if this were you? Go and tell him face to face today. Tell him you are happy. Its no reflection on your relationship but you are just not ready

SnowyLamb · 12/07/2022 15:12

You're not really too young to be moving out of home, but you shouldn't be moving in with someone when you feel scared to tell them how you feel.

That's your reluctance, nothing to do with your age.

Watchkeys · 12/07/2022 17:22

Happyfeet82 · 11/07/2022 19:32

I have just finished university and cannot financially move out of my parents house is what I am saying.

What you said was that you were too young.

But you're 24, old enough to be financially independent and to live with a partner. At what age will you deem yourself to be 'old enough to leave home'? Grow up and tell him.

allboysherebutme · 12/07/2022 20:15

Don't do it if you wanted to you would. Obviously something is holding you back. X

Hont1986 · 12/07/2022 20:39

however he is convinced I am moving in

I wonder if this might be because you agreed to do it and keep going along with it when it gets brought up?

Ladyof2022 · 12/07/2022 21:16

WhenDovesFly · 12/07/2022 14:40

How he reacts will tell you a lot about your future relationship. If he's accepting then it shows a level of maturity. If he piles on more pressure or gets angry, then he's not a keeper.

Living there on his own for a while will do him the world of good and teach him vital living skills. Don't be sucked into doing any of his cleaning/housework when you visit him though.

You really need to have the conversation soon though. If you can't pluck up the courage to have this chat then your relationship is definitely not in the right place to be living together.

Just wanna say that this is fantastic advice and I suggest you read it carefully several times. x

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/07/2022 12:29

Ladyof2022 · 12/07/2022 21:16

Just wanna say that this is fantastic advice and I suggest you read it carefully several times. x

Show quote history

Agree. Good advice.
Also. I find it helpful to ask - "What is the worst that could happen?" if I say how I really feel.
It's probably some or all of the following, you don't want to upset them. You don't want confrontation, you don't want his mum to think you are rude, and you don't want him/her to be angry with you or You don't want him to dump you.
Then you have to weigh up if not incurring these penalties are worth moving in when you are not ready because you've been pushed and feel resentful.
The best thing that can happen is that they respect you for being honest, and for letting them know before they make plans, that your BF takes the pressure off, that his mum backs off and that you have more freedom to make your own decisions.
I suspect that rather than being chronologically "too young" it's more that you are not ready to take on commitments that take away your freedom to make your own future plans - just at the time when you are trying to decide what they are.

billy1966 · 13/07/2022 12:45

thethoughtfox · 12/07/2022 10:03

His mum probably wants to make sure someone looks after her boy. That is not your job.They will both want someone to do the cooking and cleaning and help with the bills. This would be the worst reason to move in with someone.

I wouldn't be one bit surprised if this is a part of it.

I would have been gone if any boyfriend of mines mother was involved at all in our business.

Also if you are comfortable at home I wouldn't dream of moving from home to a boyfriend share.

Much better to move in with a couple of girlfriends.

Some of my best memories in my 20's were flatsharing with friends.

The best fun.

At 24, just finished Uni, what IS the rush to set up house with him?

You'll be doing that long enough, have some fun.

billy1966 · 13/07/2022 12:50

WhenDovesFly · 12/07/2022 14:40

How he reacts will tell you a lot about your future relationship. If he's accepting then it shows a level of maturity. If he piles on more pressure or gets angry, then he's not a keeper.

Living there on his own for a while will do him the world of good and teach him vital living skills. Don't be sucked into doing any of his cleaning/housework when you visit him though.

You really need to have the conversation soon though. If you can't pluck up the courage to have this chat then your relationship is definitely not in the right place to be living together.

This IS excellent advice.

Him going from home to a flat share with you does not make for a great partner for sharing the house work.

My husband was 8 years independently living before we moved in AND had a clean flat.

Not always a guarantee, but definitely a marker.

Friendofdennis · 13/07/2022 12:54

If you move in you may find that you drift along in this relationship for years. Also you may find yourself doing the lions share of housework. Why don’t you try to establish a career and save as much as you can while in your parents house. Then you can decide what you want to do regarding this relationship down the line

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