Anyone regret their divorce or separation?

[Minty90]

I don't respect my DH. And I regret picking him as the father of my kids. He's not horrible exactly but he's small minded and feels sorry for himself for no reason

But we get on. I've spent today putting in plans in place to leave (research, paperwork etc) but then we just spent couple of hours on the sofa taking the piss and being silly.

I enjoy his company. I really do. But I also think he's a total idiot. He talks so much nonsense and is so defensive. But we also get on. There is no tension in the house because when he starts talking I think about something else. But I still want him near me.

I'm so confused. Divorce would be awful (as it would with anyone). But I'm so confused as to why I want to spend time with someone I don't even like.

Any advice. All I think about is divorce. It's exhausting.

Interested to hear what people say.
Me and dh are about the start counselling together as we are on the brink.
He's started making more of an effort and his relationship with the kids is lovely to see how he's putting the work in. We get along well, can talk, feel generally comfortable with each other, but I have no passion for him right now.
And all I can think about is how in the space of just over a month he has made significant improvements since I mentioned potential separation, yet why did he just leave me to drown for a year whilst I was screaming out for help. His small efforts 12 months ago would have saved me so much distress and stopped such deterioration in my mental health.

OP would you consider counselling? When you want to divorce you know it, there are rarely strong doubts. It might be worth a try before going down the long route of seperation

I got divorced a couple of years ago.
Divorce solves/improves some parts of your life; but it does create new issues/complications. The process is awful. And most of the time people lose our financially.
So - for it to be worth going through all this pain - I think you need to be in quite a bad place in a relationship.

I think your thinking about divorce is more a symptom of unhappiness and boredom in the relationship. You don’t sound truly unhappy. And you even said you get along and enjoy his company.
I agree with the other poster suggesting counselling before you do something drastic.

Nope. Never.

Yes..

Yes and no.

Yes - because I was basically in the relationship alone. There was no companionship, he had multiple affairs and was a rubbish hubsband. I don't miss him and now I'm in a much better place. The divorce was acrimonious, but I walked away with nearly 90% of the equity from the house and my finances weren't crippled and I'm in a better place mentally and financially.

No - because there this part of me that wishes I did it when my son was much older. It has damaged his mental health and his behaviour is unrecognisable. But I do wonder what would of happened to his mental health, living with two people who shouldn't be together.

I'm not sure if that helps you. I don't regret the divorce itself, just the impact it had on my son.

Do you still have passion for each other?

I still like my ex, he's a good person and nobody did anything wrong like have an affair but we drifted apart. We stopped making an effort and basically I realised I didn't fancy him anymore and didn'twant to be him. When I eventually spoke to him about it he agreed and said he felt the same. Since separating it went up and down. For years I asked him to make an effort and do things together but he couldn't be bothered and only after we split did he try to make an effort and then suggested councilling, but I had moved on emotionally a good six months before we split. I have bought my own place now, it's the first time living on my own (I have the children 50% of the time) but it's largely been amicable and very reasonable to ensure the children are not scarred. I don't regret it.

How old are you ? I found peri menopause did this.

Following with interest.

@KangarooKenny how do you mean the peri-menopause did this?

Constantly idealising divorce. I swing from hating him and wanting a divorce, to wanting to stay, to wanting a divorce again on a daily basis. It’s anxiety inducing, exhausting, and makes me question my sanity.

Habit

How long have you been together?

The fact you can laugh together and have fun is a good sign. When you say you don't respect him, are you being harsh? Is he steady with work, reliable with finances, kind to others?

If he has negative traits (we all do, what are yours?) is he open to some gentle feedback?

Do I regret it? Not a bit. I wanted the marriage to work & I begged & pleaded him to join me in making it better. Ultimately he wasn't interested, so I left. It's very very sad that it had to end but I couldn't do anything else.

I regret not following through with my UK divorce. XH divorced me in France after being hauled in by the police for agression. Ok, I got 80000€ after a 43 year marriage BUT I lost half his pension, estimated at £600,000 over my lifetime.
Now, due to the way mortgages are controlled in France I don't have enough to borrow to buy, nord enough income to rent somewhere better.

At least he's an 'X'.

Hell no.
I thank God everyday I'm not with his scrawny cheating arse 😂

@Fireflygal I know it sounds horrible to say I don't respect him. I just don't. His idea of a great night is playing video games until 3am. He has some weird and unfounded political opinions and often repeats things he read on the Internet. For example he told me drinking water makes us all more compliant. When I asked if he believed this why didn't we buy bottled water and also why aren't we all protesting in the streets he took it all back. He says I act superior to him but I feel like his mum.

He does go to work, is entitled faithful, spends all his time with the DC, cooks dinner every night but I manage all the money and make all the big decisions. He's like a child.

*entirely faithful

(But he's also pretty entitled too)

Yes and No.
Marriage as a concept is great if the other person is invested in that concept with you. When they are not it's easier to do it alone.
For the children, being brought up by the same parents was my ideal. But unfortunately, it wasn't to be.
I'm one of those rare men who divorced to live alone, there was no other. The process was done and dusted in 6-9 months. I'm happier, the children are settled. I do not miss her company at all, and I know I made the correct decision.

Constantly idealising divorce. I swing from hating him and wanting a divorce, to wanting to stay, to wanting a divorce again on a daily basis. It’s anxiety inducing, exhausting, and makes me question my sanity.

Yes, this has impacted me too without a doubt. But there are other issues which have aggravated everything and loss of respect as a result. The above keeps me second guessing myself and not in a place to make a drastic decision.

yet why did he just leave me to drown for a year whilst I was screaming out for help. His small efforts 12 months ago would have saved me so much distress and stopped such deterioration in my mental health.

This has happened to me too.

because there this part of me that wishes I did it when my son was much older.

This is another thing that crosses my mind. How old are your dc? I don't know if there is a right age as there are pros and cons in everything but I can't quite envisage it on many levels until my dc are older.

Watching this thread with interest.

There are other factors at play with me too, so I agree that it’s hard to make a decision.
Him drinking a bottle of wine a night, years of MH problems, him not addressing his problems in bed. Loss of respect yes, and years of resentment. Yet something keeps me here.

Divorce was the most difficult process I've ever been through. My ex went from devastated to intent on destroying me very quickly.

But that was 14 or 15 years ago and I thank my lucky stars that my younger self did it. I'm so happy that I don't ever have to see the miserable, depressing git at all !

Life is for living, if you're not happy enough then change it.

No. Not for a millisecond.

Wanted to add - I do also regret kids not being older when I divorced.

I think for the kids - it’s easiest if kids are either very small to not understand what is going on; or if they are older teenagers, or even have left home already.
Obviously waiting to leave for longer - only applies to a relationship is just stale, not abusive, etc.

Several of you sound like you are in the " not bad enough to leave/not good enough to stay" and this does describe many marriages I am sure. I know many women stay because they weigh up the financials too. Have I regretted mine? No way - in fact I realise how many years I stuck it out with him which were wasted. A recent communication with him reminded me of what a boring prick he was.

I was exactly the same, interestingly he still doesn't get how lonely I was and that we were absolutely not a team (a year later). Although he has said he is now lonely? He can't and couldn't identify that's how I felt in our relationship.