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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife expects "too much "

65 replies

ingelbybardi · 08/07/2022 16:11

I'm female and have been married for 5 years to my wife.
She is never ever happy.
Everything has to be her way.
We bought our house 3 years ago (she picked the house)
We live in a reasonably priced area and a 3bed cost us £89,000
Our mortgage is £300 a month
We both work and have 2 kids.

After bills /food we are left with around £700
We have a nice life.
We go on holiday ,are comfortable with what we have

My wife isn't happy
"Mark from work has a new build house"
"Lisa has a new build house that cost £300,000 and we are stuck here"
"I'm embarrassed by our house"

Our house is lovely ,big garden etc and she loved it till she realised her work mates had more expensive houses.
She's had us viewing new builds -going to bank finding out mortgage.
They've said it will be £800 a month
She now wants to do this -even tho the house we are in is lovely (just to show off )

We went to Gran Canaria on holiday -that wasn't good enough as her work friends went to santorini

I'm drained honestly
She's never happy
What would you do?

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 08/07/2022 16:12

Refuse to move tbh. Does she contribute equally to bills and holidays

Original poster
ingelbybardi · 08/07/2022 16:13

I work full time and she's part time.
She said she will work more hours but it's pointless as I would have to drop hours to watch kids as childcare costs would wipe out the extra hours money.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/07/2022 16:14

What does she think of your opinion on it?

CheshireCats · 08/07/2022 16:15

Where can you buy a 3 bed house for £89 000?

Original poster
ingelbybardi · 08/07/2022 16:15

My opinion doesn't count.
She won't speak to me unless I agree to move
She thinks I don't have "high expectations "
I just don't see the point in putting us in debt for a house smaller than this because it's new build and has bi fold doors
It's honestly ridiculous

OP posts:
Original poster
ingelbybardi · 08/07/2022 16:16

@CheshireCats we are in Teesside

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 08/07/2022 16:16

You compromise or go your separate ways.

CheshireCats · 08/07/2022 16:27

@ingelbybardi
I wouldn't move either in your position. As long as the house was in a reasonable/safe area, I would be staying put.

BlackbirdsSinging · 08/07/2022 16:31

Keep communicating.
Can you have some regular marriage time when you go out together? If you can’t go out because of the children, try just sitting out in the garden for a glass of wine in the entire a cuppa on a weekend morning.
Talk and strengthen your relationship for the first few times. Then, when you feel it’s appropriate, you can bring up this issue.

BlackbirdsSinging · 08/07/2022 16:31

In the evening!

Itwasntmeright · 08/07/2022 16:34

Oh God my mother is like this, never happy with what she’s got, always wanting more more more. She’s nearly 70 and she’s never changed, and in my experience people like this don’t. What invariably happens is that there rapacious greed lands them up in debt but the need to have more never goes away, so they end up spiraling.

what about if you do buy this expensive new build, then a year later John at work Buys a bigger house in a more expensive area?

don’t be bullied into making big decisions that you aren’t fully in favor of. Also keep your finances separate, and if they aren’t then separate them. A bad credit score can follow you around for a long time, and if you get divorced, which it sounds likely you will, you’ll still have half of any debt to pay off.

bitterness and jealousy really aren’t very attractive traits in a person.

offyoufuckcuntychops · 08/07/2022 16:35

What would you do?

I'd divorce her. Wanting to live in a new build should in itself be reasonable grounds for divorce.

averythinline · 08/07/2022 16:37

Maybe she should go full-time anyway as being part-time is affecting her long term pension , career etc anyway .....usually childcare costs reduce as dc get older...
Does your area have good schools ? If not why not move??

If she wants to move then you need to plan how you're going to cover all the costs/expenses of such

Or is it that she has different values... ot can really help to try and make a plan.....I'm not a materlistic but would equally not necessarily want to stay still and in one Place..

Watchkeys · 08/07/2022 16:37

My opinion doesn't count

Why are you putting up with such disrespect? Has she always been like this? Why did you marry her?

butterflied · 08/07/2022 16:44

ingelbybardi · 08/07/2022 16:15

My opinion doesn't count.
She won't speak to me unless I agree to move
She thinks I don't have "high expectations "
I just don't see the point in putting us in debt for a house smaller than this because it's new build and has bi fold doors
It's honestly ridiculous

This is why you should get the hell out. Your life will be ridiculous if you stay. I feel for you. Must be tough.

orbitalcrisis · 08/07/2022 16:46

Tell her she can buy a new build, but you're staying put. New builds are over priced, small, have little land and are VERY poorly built, they don't even bother with proper foundations nowadays. Even the expensive ones are rubbish. A former colleague spend a couple of million on a new build and it had to be completely rewired! They were weeks without power!

Wexone · 08/07/2022 16:50

Is everything else in your marriage ok ? If so i would recommend counselling if you want your marriage to survive. If not then i would separate unless she is willing to learn that the grass is not always greener and she needs to stop comparing herself to other people. Everyone's lives are different. She also needs to learn to respect what you want in life also. That saying though i do believe you should both have the same goals in life and be working towards them all be it what ever they are. If you are not then its not going to work .

TiddleyWink · 08/07/2022 16:52

There’s something seriously wrong with her perception of success if she sees being saddled with barely affordable debt as ‘winning’ just because it enables her to look showy. She sounds like an immature, silly bully and I’m not sure I would have any respect for my partner if they behaved like that. Perhaps suggest she should have a higher earning career if she wants to enjoy the spoils associated with that. Tell her she needs to grow up and try being a nicer/better person or she will lose you.

TiddleyWink · 08/07/2022 16:53

Sulky bully, that should say.

naomi81 · 08/07/2022 17:04

Personally I think it's great that she would want to better the families lives, and think it's a good example to your kids as long as you don't go silly!

naomi81 · 08/07/2022 17:05

Lol I am totally going to get shot down for that!

ApolloandDaphne · 08/07/2022 17:17

naomi81 · 08/07/2022 17:04

Personally I think it's great that she would want to better the families lives, and think it's a good example to your kids as long as you don't go silly!

Are you OPs wife?

AnnaMagnani · 08/07/2022 17:17

I'd recommend counselling as a first go before divorce.

Is she aware how much comparing she does? Is she fundamentally unhappy and insecure - would she be upset if she knew she was making others, and you specifically miserable?

My first thought is what are her parents like - she may think this is a normal way to live.

If she won't go for counselling then it is a big issue. Marriage is about what both parties want and compromise.

Is happiness really a set of bifold doors?

Pinkbonbon · 08/07/2022 17:25

What would I do?
I'd separate. I don't like narcissists and i don't want to associate with them in any way shape or form. Sod being glued to one for life. That'll drain your life away.

Of course you have to bare in mind that you will have to do your share of all the childcare ect should you leave and that that may impact your career. Worth it imo.

Pinkbonbon · 08/07/2022 17:28

Ps, she isn't hyacinth bucket is she? xD