How to deal with what ex is saying about me and the baby?

[Ellesty]

Ex is highly professional, well respected and when the relationship ended a couple of months before the birth, I didn’t expect him to completely disappear from DC’s life. I thought he was fundamentally decent and would do right by his child even though the relationship was over. DC is now almost one and he has never so much as responded to any attempt to speak to him or invite to see DC.

I found out yesterday that he has been telling friends and colleagues that I’m a complete psycho, he couldn’t see DC because I am a psycho and that I have made it impossible for him to have any relationship with DC because of how I behaved in pregnancy.

We had some awful rows in pregnancy which led to the break up. Throwing pizza one night (yes, ridiculous), lots of awful things said etc. But he was very very far from blameless - I won’t list it all but there was plenty of stuff he did that was very damaging and shit. Before the birth I contacted him a few times and said let’s put this behind us for DC’s sake, let’s be amicable etc, asked after him and said I hope he’s ok etc etc.

I had to apply for CM as he wouldn’t discuss it. He has plenty of money so wasn’t a financial concer for him he just didn’t want to talk about it sensibly. I sent a card last Christmas with a photo and said you are welcome anytime to see DC. I’ve kept all communication about Dc.

I am so surprised he would do this and part of me wants to contact a couple of these people and tell them the truth. But then I don’t know if that’s a good idea either. I was willing to draw a line under things as we both did things wrong and could have focussed on DC but instead he is doing this? I am upset/hurt/cross.

Oh and then apparently with his new colleagues he’s pretends he doesn’t have a DC?!

I think a lot of people who end relationships where they haven't acted very honourably will tell lies
In this case he clearly does not want to be a dad but he's obviously not going to admit that to others so he has to make up shit so that he's doesn't look like a shit
It's very common

@fedup078 during the relationship he was very full on about wanting to be a dad. It’s been such strange behaviour from him.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this
You aren't the first and won't be the last
How do you know what he is telling people ? I think if you can you need to do damage limitation and try to avoid hearing anything about him

@fedup078 someone I am close to is in a relationship with one of his colleagues and I’ve now heard it all. Can’t believe it

My ex partner used to do this when we together!! We went out one night to meet some of his friends, one of them told me they were a bit dubious about meeting me, and surprised that I was such a nice person!! WTAF!!

My advice would be to claim CMS and then stay away from him and his network of colleagues and friends. If he wants to see his child he can contact you or go through the courts.

Most people are not interested in other people’s splits. They know there will be faults on both sides and towards the end there will be arguments.

Personally I would be skeptical of anyone making “crazy” accusations about their ex. You don’t respond to crazy or indeed narc by spreading gossip. Crazy and Narc respond to the mildest even none existent provocation.

The only people interested in “sides” and “stories” are gossips and shit stirrers. They will not make your reputation any better. I sense you are getting stories from this type of person. They are out to cause trouble.

Focus on your child and live your life well. Grey rock this man because he and anyone spreading gossip about you aren’t people you need in your life.

I don't think you can realistically do anything about his attitude and what he's saying to his colleagues. He's perhaps even convinced himself of what he's saying, as PP has said in order to rationalise to himself and others why he isn't involved in his child's life.

Anyone who knows you and him will be able to judge for themselves what you're like. I would keep minimal lines of communication open as you have been, but otherwise don't get involved with him. I'd tell your mutual friend that it's not helpful to hear about him second hand and that it's not a topic you want to discuss.

I wouldn’t go direct to these people. Surely the person you’re close to knows it’s not true? Let them tell the person they’re in a relationship with who works with your ex.

It's classic to blame the ex and call them a psycho.

In your heart you know you're not a psycho, the relationship just didn't work and you've both moved on. It's unfortunate (and irritating, I get it) to have to hear he's bad mouthing you but sadly if you try to do or say anything about it to him / his friends then it will look like he has a valid point.

Steer well clear, live your best life for yourself and your DC, his conscience will catch up with him one day.

@CrystalCoco i think there were occasions where I definitely was a bit psycho but equally he was absolutely no saint.

. I feel hurt he would take this line when I’ve done nothing but be pleasant about him seeing his DC. I’ve been patient, polite, kind to him. I feel so aggrieved by it I almost want to tell them all but then what’s the point

Yeah my ex did this. Told everyone I'd cheated, psycho, was violent etc. he did this because if I'd then told anyone the real reason I left he could then say ahhh she's just saying that because Of what I've said.

You know most people who hear a man refer to their ex as psycho and use it as an excuse for not seeing their kids, well they usually know it actually means they can't be bothered. Because what decent parent would leave their child with a mentally unstable person eh.

Just leave him to it x

What happened on the occasion of the pizza being thrown?

Absolutely this. I can the need to want to clear your name but don't get drawn into it. People will see for themselves over time. If you were so psycho, what good dad wouldn't fight to keep his child away from a psycho mother? What good dad doesn't fight to see his child? He will get caught in his own lies over time. Stop communicating with him and leave him to it, but definitely go for maintenance as that is your child's right.

My ex will tell you I stopped him seeing his kids (true-he’d think nothing of drink driving/high as a kite on drugs)

he had to take me to court (only because it didn’t cost him a penny)

he got his contact,but dumped them off on his family and spent about 15 minutes out of 5/6 hours with them each month

he then got bored of kids cramping his style and dumped them (then went to prison for 7 years)

im the psycho that refused to let him see his kids,no other reason apart from spite
he had left them for 10 minutes-once

he just happened to be holding the drugs he got sent down for,when the police burst through the door-no way would he dream of dealing them (the police had been tailing him and his mates for well over a year)

I refused to take them to got see him in prison so he missed out there

he spent so much money taking me to court he couldn’t afford to pay for them,and those costs meant he’s been unable to pay a penny from 1999 to now (can afford 4 holidays a year tho)

hes never sent them a birthday or Christmas present as I refuse to tell him when the dates are

they twist things to suit their own needs-and they are the only one who believe their lies

No don't contact these people to tell them your side of the story. It would make you look a bit odd and reinforce his version of events.

The truth will always out, your best bet is to carry on as you are and maintain a dignified silence. If anyone brings it up then tell them the truth of it, including yes this XXs child, yes definitely his, he pays me CM. Oh really is he claiming I'm lying that it's his, well that's very disappointing to hear... but don't bring it up yourself. It all plays into his narrative.

As for him, if he really is going round telling people you're a psycho, then I would seriously consider seeing a solicitor about sending him a cease and desist letter.

Look, regardless of who acted psycho in the relationship etc etc the bottom line is he is a fucking loser making excuses not to see his child.

Anyone with half a brain cell would see that. Most parents would cross hell and high water to have access to their baby, "psycho" ex or not.

I can understand why you feel so angry but ultimately he is the loser here. Dead beat no good "dad"... who, one day, will have an adult DC asking why he was such a cunt.

It's just drama he's creating. Don't get pulled in. Take an 'everybody's entitled to their own opinion' stance, and you'll keep your dignity. Calling your ex a psycho isn't dignified. He's making a fool of himself.

For what's it worth, if I worked with a man and he was saying his ex was a psycho and doing this and doing that, I'd instantly take it with a pinch of salt.

To be honest as soon as I hear anyone describe an ex as crazy I'm very dubious of the truth of the situation. 9 times out of 10 the "crazy" behaviour will have been caused by something or other.

Like someone else, the only people to enjoy hearing it, or care, will be gossips and shit stirrers - do not give these people anything more to talk about.

You know the truth. That's what matters.

It's very sad for your child. But it is what it is, so just focus on the child and it's your ex's loss.

I assume the person you're close you knows the truth. I'd say they're free to share the truth that you'd have been happy for him to be involved but he doesn't want to be - but you've never stopped him. Leave it at that and try jot to dwell on him. It must he hurtful though.

@Mally100 @CrotchetyQuaver it is so so hard not to get drawn in. He has a professional job and so that is always in his favour.

I know rationally it’s best to say nothing but it feels so unjust. I did so much for him when he wasn’t coping. I also feel sooo cross he’s pretending to some that he doesn’t have DC!! Why?? He’s not at a player and apparently hasn’t even had a date since the split so it’s just plain awful to pretend not to have a child. I can’t believe it’s him.. a man I did actually once love.

I did tell his best friend a year ago what had been happening and contemplated going to a colleague but never did. This was when he went off the radar and I couldn’t get in touch.

i hate the idea he’s painting me in this way when yes we argued but he was part of all that. Since then I’ve been nothing but bloody nice!!!

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this op. It's truly awful how some men behave my ex included. I'm also a psycho. What I will say is this. If what he is saying is impacting work prospects or career for you that classes as defamation of character . So it might be worth seeking legal advice, there are plenty of charities around who if needed will do relevant paperwork for you.

Ask yourself why, if you are as he says, a complete psycho would he not move heaven and earth to get full custody of the baby to keep it safe from you?

If I was being told his tales I would be wondering this and not believing a word he says.

@Ilosthim that’s another worry I have started to consider… if he’s doing this now then one day DC might track him down and will he give them the same version of events? Will he blame me for not ever being part of DC’s life? will DC buy into that?

Apparently he actually told one friend that he was scared of me…. I have literally done nothing but be nice for 13 months, checking in to update him on DC every couple of weeks and asking if he’s ok, saying he is welcome anytime.

I am so upset about it all. I don’t see the point in such animosity.

I have the same, DD is now 15. I've kept all signs of offers I. E messages/emails. And the 2 dna tests he insisted on. One at birth and one when I claimed CSA to avoid paying for her whilst he cut his hours. It's all in a box for her when or if she needs it.

If you find yourself in any conversation with mutual colleagues etc, I simply said, "that's interesting, that's not my version of events and I can prove it to DD when she's older" people will soon think twice. But I didn't care what he was saying per se, my goal is to ensure DD knows the truth in the event she she ever wants to meet him and he tries all the bullshit on her.