How to deal with what ex is saying about me and the baby?

[Ellesty]

Ex is highly professional, well respected and when the relationship ended a couple of months before the birth, I didn’t expect him to completely disappear from DC’s life. I thought he was fundamentally decent and would do right by his child even though the relationship was over. DC is now almost one and he has never so much as responded to any attempt to speak to him or invite to see DC.

I found out yesterday that he has been telling friends and colleagues that I’m a complete psycho, he couldn’t see DC because I am a psycho and that I have made it impossible for him to have any relationship with DC because of how I behaved in pregnancy.

We had some awful rows in pregnancy which led to the break up. Throwing pizza one night (yes, ridiculous), lots of awful things said etc. But he was very very far from blameless - I won’t list it all but there was plenty of stuff he did that was very damaging and shit. Before the birth I contacted him a few times and said let’s put this behind us for DC’s sake, let’s be amicable etc, asked after him and said I hope he’s ok etc etc.

I had to apply for CM as he wouldn’t discuss it. He has plenty of money so wasn’t a financial concer for him he just didn’t want to talk about it sensibly. I sent a card last Christmas with a photo and said you are welcome anytime to see DC. I’ve kept all communication about Dc.

I am so surprised he would do this and part of me wants to contact a couple of these people and tell them the truth. But then I don’t know if that’s a good idea either. I was willing to draw a line under things as we both did things wrong and could have focussed on DC but instead he is doing this? I am upset/hurt/cross.

I'd just enlighten the person you are close to, who in turn will be able to put your side to the colleage, then leave it at that. Too much trying to protest to too many people and you may well come across as a bit psycho, definitely not what you want.

I think it’s this idea he’s apparently scared of me that’s got people on his side. The woman who put up with all sorts of behaviour from him and supported him, cared for him and has since the split, been totally amicable. Yes I had moments of absolute meltdown but he was at the root. There’s no need for him to be like this at all.

I would make sure that people who you know and trust know the truth, and ask them to speak up if this comes up in conversation again with mutual friends (hopefully they already did when this was said the first time). I wouldn't contact them directly unless you already are close to them though.

Sadly, this is par for the course for people who have behaved badly and need to great a false narrative to distract from what they have done. It's not quite the same situation, but my mum's partner has no contact with his kids, his wife 'kept them from him' and she's also a 'gold digging psycho.' In reality, he was convicted of abusing them and they have grown up and want nothing to do with him to keep their own dc safe. My mum also has gone around telling people all sorts of crazy made up stuff about me. Some people believe it and have cut me out of their lives, but most have not. It's the only way she can explain why she has no relationship with her grandchildren without telling them the truth (her partner is a paedophile and she has turned a blind eye for an easy life).

It does make you feel crazy though. It's a form of gaslighting because even when you know you've done the right thing, it makes you question what you think really happened. Really though, there are very few mothers who refuse their children having contact with their dads. Most sensible people will know this is a tall tale. Hold your head high. It sounds like your dc has a great mum and that is better than having a flaky deadbeat father popping in and out over the years.

If somebody told me that their ex was a psycho and they were scared of them so never see their child I'd think they were a terrible person. Leaving their own child with a violent psycho! Unforgivable, or a lie. There's no way to look at this that puts him in a good light. Same as when his colleagues find out he's lying about having a child....

My ex always said he'd turn upon our son's 18 birthday and tell him what a bitch I am. He's almost 3 years late. He knows where we live or he could contact him on FB, hasn't bothered. Why would he break the habit of a lifetime!

If it’s his friends and colleagues there’s not much you can do. If they are mutual friends then you can try approaching one of them and offering your side. But fundamentally it’s how he squares it with his persona. It’s more important to him for people to think he is a victim than it is for him to be an active father. You can’t change that. He lies because it suits him and he can get sympathy instead of being judged for abandoning his baby.

Easy choice for someone like that. FWIW worth my ex did similar but anyone who knows anything about us both and the situation, including his family, know the score and what he’s really like and the true situation. Random strangers (to me) he played his pity violin to? Probably think i’m the devil lol but i’ve learned to not let that bother me. They can think what they like, it’s him that’s lost out on not being a proper father. That’s the real sad part and I pity him now more than feel angry.

So according to him he abandoned his baby to the care of a psycho? Gee, father of the year right there. Does he think that makes him look like a victim?!

These men all lie, they want to blame the woman for their lack of responsibility. Anyone who believes him without question is just a misogynistic idiot who would have sided with him no matter what anyway.

He's scared of you but happy for you to bring his child up. Yeah anyone with half a brain will see through that. He's making a fool of himself

Tbh op, he is doing you a favour staying out of your lives. Do you really want your kid near a man who tells lies about you to everyone? Guarantee he would spend the next 20 years trying to turn your own child against you too if he had access. It would be hell.

I'd actually make a point of moving to the other side of the country now as soon as possible. Chances are that before the child reaches school age (past the baby crying and toddler tantrums stage) he will suddenly reappear wanting access. He might think twice though if you live far away. He'll be too lazy to travel.

Of course im sure he'll tell ppl you moved away so he couldn't see his kid. But really, who gives a fuck so long as you and your child is safe from a dickhead like him.

It's easier to make you look like the bad one than to admit to people he is a twat who can't be arsed to see his own kid. IME most people can see through it a mile away. People know that dads can go to court to obtain access to their children without needing to even speak to the mother.

I would maintain a dignified silence TBH. If people ask you about it specifically, I would set them straight. But aside from that it's not their business.

This is so common. My ex-h created a horrible false narrative to justify his affair and OW's horrific abuse of me. He literally made up a complete fairy story about what a lunatic I was, how I was dangerous and unfit to parent. He abandoned our son but allowed OW to tell me I was the worst excuse of a loving mother she'd ever seen. Ok then.

I did eventually have an opportunity to give my side, it came completely out of the blue years later and do you know what? Not a single person believed a word that came out of their mouths because they could see for themselves what sort of people they were. Also, people do not believe it when a person says the ex was a psycho but proceeds to leave their child in that psycho's care 🙄.

Your day will come. All the loss is his. By all means correct anybody who you know well enough but believe me, his words do not match his actions and that will be seen

If he's saying he's scared of you, that's a comment he's making about himself, not about you. He might be scared of yoghurts or plants, but it wouldn't make them scary.

I feel for you OP but please try not to let it bother you. I know it’s easier said than done; when exP and I broke up, he had convinced everyone he worked with that I was the one who instigated all the arguments and I didn’t let him have a life, when in reality he was a narcissistic, abusive POS who chose everything over his family. He worked in a coffee shop and whilst I maybe go in once a year, he doesn’t work there anymore but they all still ignore me or shoot me dirty looks.

you + the people who know you know the truth and try to take solace in that. You’re doing the best for your DC and no-one else’s opinion can take that away from you.

I think you should comment but in a rise above/moral high ground sort of way and let people draw their own conclusions.

Something like “I’m sorry that xxx’s dad has chosen not to be a part of his life. He knows he is able to choose to change that decision. For me it’s really important that I don’t bad mouth my DCs parent so I don’t think it’s appropriate that I comment on the past. I hope he changes his mind for DCs sake. But thankfully we are doing well”

OP, if it helps, picture to yourself the situation with thought bubbles over people's heads.
Ex: "I can't see my kid because the ex is a psycho"
Fred: ( I took my angry ex to court and secured access and he gets paid WAY more than me, why isn't he doing that too?)
Chris: (That's what my deadbeat ex-BiL says)
Jenny: (Funny, he told Mary he didn't have a kid ... How much of what is says is true at all?)
Caroline: (God that's SUCH a cliché)
Everyone, out loud "oh dear poor you" - because they don't want a row.

You know most people who hear a man refer to their ex as psycho and use it as an excuse for not seeing their kids, well they usually know it actually means they can't be bothered. Because what decent parent would leave their child with a mentally unstable person eh.

I agree most people will think he's a dick if he's saying this, not assume it's true. As I know of a number of men who spun this line and all did fuck all to try to have a relationship with their children.

As PP said, if they'd leave their children with someone they claim is a dangerous psycho they aren't exactly a decent parent themselves are they?

People will see through him.

They all claim the ex is psycho. They all claim that she's preventing them from seeing the kids. Don't think anyone is buying it for a minute.

If it was my colleague saying it, I'd be wondering why he's not terrified for the welfare of his kid he left with such a terrible person. And if he was going around pretending he doesn't have a kid half the time, people will know all they need to know.

People may not openly disagree, especially in a social situation, but most will see through his tales in time.
One of my friends was very indignant on behalf of one of his mates at the way his "psycho ex-wife" was treating him and the children, and in a social situation I met this outwardly charming man, who latched on, quite by chance, to the fact that I was teaching his children. In a social situation, I politely went along with the eulogy to his daughter ("my little angel") and his pleas to be kind to her, but once away from the social setting, I was able to set my friend straight about the reality of the ex-wife doing the grunt work of childrearing despite unreliable CM payments and inconsistent contact. Just keep reminding yourself that people are not as gullible as he likes to think.

Thanks … I know that’s right it’s just so hard to accept.

I want to scream from the rooftops.. he has a child and he is welcome any time to spend any time he likes with them and I am fully supportive and kind to him!

whilst I feel I was awful during the relationship, so was he, very very much. Neither of us should be talking about the other in such a negative way.. they were rows, people have them, it’s been a long time of me being pleasant to him and he doesn’t seem to include that in his little assessment of me.

I just feel it’s so unfair. It makes me feel awful too as I feel like people think I’ve torn his opportunity to be a dad away from him because im such a monster. It’s not true at all because I would be nothing but nice to him as I have been for the last year or so.

argh!

My sons dad had done similar. After living with us for 2 years of sons life. With a bit of CBT I accept now that, I can't control other people's actions or thoughts. I can only control my own. If he does want to see DC when they're older (doubt it) keep any evidence you have of attempting to facilitate contact. Stop giving a shit what he might say and what they might think, you're better than that.

Let him crack on. They always go with the classic line of "my ex is a psycho, she won't let me see the kid" and then if I say "well you know you can apply to the courts and get joint custody" they come out with the excuses and it's like ahhh, so you're full of shit then.

No one with half a brain will believe him. "My ex is such a psycho I left my defenceless child to be raised by them alone" is not a line that sounds any good.

My DDs dad did this and on the first time she met him as a older teen he completely slated me. Obviously I’m her Mum so it didn’t go down well. I have never badmouthed him or told her the things he did and said. I always kept communication open and she saw her grandparents so she knew it was utter crap. She still sees him but has seen his true colours and I had nothing to do with it. Do the best by your DC, file for CMS, ignore him and any drama and enjoy being a Mum. Ultimately it is his loss.

@Justalittlebitfurther @Outfoxedbyrabbits i hope not but then if he’s said things like I threw a pizza across the room once and called him a cunt on various occasions then I won’t come off well.

what upsets me is that whilst I did do things wrong SO DID HE! A lot worse on occasion actually.

what I can never get my head around is how he thinks that’s a fair reason not to see his child. He turns 41 next month for gods sake!

do you think there’s a chance he will re appear down the line? I think the longer he leaves that the worse I will find it as I have come to accept our life now and I don’t want it meddled with.

As long as he is paying, stop worrying for now.

At least you will be able to make all decisions regarding your child without going through him

His loss

You are both better off without him, he is using you as an excuse not to have to grow up and be a parent, in my opinion use this to your advantage don't contact him again, steer well clear it will save you a lot of heartache. X