How to deal with what ex is saying about me and the baby?

[Ellesty]

Ex is highly professional, well respected and when the relationship ended a couple of months before the birth, I didn’t expect him to completely disappear from DC’s life. I thought he was fundamentally decent and would do right by his child even though the relationship was over. DC is now almost one and he has never so much as responded to any attempt to speak to him or invite to see DC.

I found out yesterday that he has been telling friends and colleagues that I’m a complete psycho, he couldn’t see DC because I am a psycho and that I have made it impossible for him to have any relationship with DC because of how I behaved in pregnancy.

We had some awful rows in pregnancy which led to the break up. Throwing pizza one night (yes, ridiculous), lots of awful things said etc. But he was very very far from blameless - I won’t list it all but there was plenty of stuff he did that was very damaging and shit. Before the birth I contacted him a few times and said let’s put this behind us for DC’s sake, let’s be amicable etc, asked after him and said I hope he’s ok etc etc.

I had to apply for CM as he wouldn’t discuss it. He has plenty of money so wasn’t a financial concer for him he just didn’t want to talk about it sensibly. I sent a card last Christmas with a photo and said you are welcome anytime to see DC. I’ve kept all communication about Dc.

I am so surprised he would do this and part of me wants to contact a couple of these people and tell them the truth. But then I don’t know if that’s a good idea either. I was willing to draw a line under things as we both did things wrong and could have focussed on DC but instead he is doing this? I am upset/hurt/cross.

If it comes up at any stage with anyone, tell the truth i.e he hasn't bothered with his child and to be honest most normal intelligent people know that

a. if he thinks you are an utter psycho, he should be trying to wrestle custody from you at all costs OR

b. if he hasn't he is a total shit who can't be bothered with his own child and is covering his own failings by speaking shit about you. Anyone who can't work that out is an idiot that you shouldn't care what they think anyway.

during the relationship he was very full on about wanting to be a dad. It’s been such strange behaviour from him

Seems less strange if you are willing to contemplate the possibility that he was lying to paint himself as a great guy then and he’s lying to paint himself as a great guy now. Then it seems perfectly consistent.

@Ellesty my DD wanted to see him I don’t think he would have ever contacted her, but I can’t say about your ex. It wouldn’t have mattered what he said I don’t think, as she knew I’d brought her up without support from him so she felt he had no right to comment. He also used to say he was scared of me and I had shouted at him etc. She knew I had my own opinions about him but I’d never voiced them to her. When he told her what she thought of me straight away she thought that was pathetic and only trying to make him seem less responsible for his own actions. As PP have said if you really thought the mother of your child was a psycho wouldn’t you seek to make sure the child was safe? You can’t just say you would. Actions speak louder than words - especially to kids. Good luck!

@Justalittlebitfurther thanks, how old was DD when she spoke to him? Did he really say he was scared of you? I find it all so upsetting… I completely hold my hands up to bring part of the rows etc but he wasn’t blameless. He seems to forget that and forget all the support I gave him. We could talk and put it all behind us but he won’t ever do that.

She was about 16, I don’t know exactly what he said - she wouldn’t tell me. However, she was just cross about it and all I can say is he will never have a real father/daughter relationship with her. It’s difficult to imagine when you have a small child (I went through different stages of coming to terms with this - believe me! I have had counselling which helped me) but she knew I wasn’t perfect after all I’m her Mum and I’ve made mistakes.
However, the fact that he commented on me when he’d made no effort to be her Dad was very telling. I’m very fortunate that she and I had a good relationship because I’d been honest but not shared my opinions.

I would say try not to worry about the future at this time. You have no control over him and I would stop trying to resolve it. He is their Dad and has a responsibility to do the right thing, that’s not on you and you can’t control what he does. You can build the best relationship with your child, enjoy your time together and be as honest as you can without sharing opinion then you will be doing the best by your child.

@Ellesty
We have a guy at work who has a teenaged daughter and is divorced from his ex wife.
He regularly tells all of us that she's a witch, cow, horrible bint and tells lies for fun.
None of us believe it. We all know he's got some serious personality disorder.
We do say " oh dear poor you" when he moans about it. But only because we can't be bothered to have an argument

@Babiesandboardgames i am just shocked I think as I never thought he was like this. I’ve done so much to be nice to him since the split and he just throws it back in my face. I feel so sad for DC as wel

@Ellesty
It's not nice to hear and it's horrible for the dc to be in the middle.
But she'll be okay. I know a lot of people with acrimonious parents, it's hard on teens but adults manage and cope well. Lots of love , affection and maybe therapy when they're older.
Also I've lost count of the times some guy has called an ex a psycho. Its almost a stereotype of men 😉 or some of them. So know its not you.

I think anyone that knows you will know who you really are. As you are close to someone who is with his colleague they probably already know the truth. I don’t know how close you are to her. But maybe it’s worth putting some distance as her telling you the truth hasn’t helped you.
I think I would stop contacting him. No cards etc.
Feel lucky you escaped from this toxic relationship. Your child is better off not to be stuck in the middle also.

It’s more important to him for people to think he is a victim than it is for him to be an active father.

Bingo.

This is a great way to explain it to anyone who asks!

Hold your head up high !
You are the strong parent 24x7x365
Who cares what other people say, because you are doing the right things for your child

Spend your time & energy on yourself & your child

He absolutely looks like an xxxxx