Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will he ever see that he ruined my life?

70 replies

Snoop85 · 08/07/2022 02:14

Of course I know that he isn’t 100% to blame but I wish he would admit some fault.
we were in a relationship for almost 2 years. I have 2 children that lived with me.
he calls me a narcissist and tells me that everyone hates me for the way I treated him.
He used to get very angry at times and has now and then grabbed me, pinned me against the wall and tried to head butt me.
each time I apologised because he said I was to blame for making him that person.
3 weeks ago, we had an argument and my 11 year old son called the police because he was scared.
when the police came round they asked me about that night but also asked about the past and the bruises on my arms.
I told them the truth.
My children were taken by my sister that night and then picked up by their Dad the next day.
Ive seen them only for half an hour during that time when they came to collect some things.
their dad won’t let them come home because he is worried and I understand this.
The guy that I was with contacted me straight after he was questioned and asked why I hadn’t told them that I had caused everything and it was my fault that he got angry.
He even told me that he was demanding an apology from my son for getting him into trouble for nothing and that I should explain to him that it’s my fault that he gets angry.
is this right?!

OP posts:
COL1N · 08/07/2022 02:17

So you haven't seen your kids for 3 weeks but youre on mumsnet worrying about some loser ex boyfriend?! I would start by getting your priorities in order.

Musti · 08/07/2022 02:20

Your ex is physically abusive and your child was scared enough to call the police? And you’re worried about what he thinks? No wonder your kids dad has kept your kids. Get your priorities straight

hotcoldnotsold · 08/07/2022 02:23

You could phrase it differently and think that by YOU bringing this man into your life, you're ruining your son's life. He's awful - why would you waste any time thinking about him, you should feel grateful that an 11 year old helped protect you. Now do the same for your son- block this abusive loser and get your priorities in order or you may lose your son to your ex.

Bunty55 · 08/07/2022 02:24

Between you, you and he have almost ruined your children's lives OP.

Original poster
Snoop85 · 08/07/2022 02:29

Yes your all right. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Snoop85 · 08/07/2022 02:36

Your absolutely right. Thank you. I do love my children and should always put them first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snoop85 · 08/07/2022 02:38

COL1N · 08/07/2022 02:17

So you haven't seen your kids for 3 weeks but youre on mumsnet worrying about some loser ex boyfriend?! I would start by getting your priorities in order.

Your absolutely right. Thank you. I do love my children and should always put them first.

OP posts:
KyaClark · 08/07/2022 02:40

Well, good luck.

Original poster
Snoop85 · 08/07/2022 02:43

KyaClark · 08/07/2022 02:40

Well, good luck.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Whitesapphire · 08/07/2022 02:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Snoop85 · 08/07/2022 02:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Your disgusting. I’ve reported you.

OP posts:
Flangelica · 08/07/2022 03:57

Why are you still speaking to this man? He is dangerous and violent and you allowed him near your children? And now you're still in contact with him even though it means not seeing your children? 😳

Clymene · 08/07/2022 04:22

He is 100% to blame. It's never the victim's fault when they are assaulted.

What are you going to do to get your children back?

Where is he now?

Alliswells · 08/07/2022 05:46

Cut all ties with this man .
Block and delete
Then sort the situation out with your kids
Women's aid do a journey to freedom course x

ConfusedNoMore · 08/07/2022 05:50

You need to speak to women's aid and do the freedom programme. Your ex is an abuser. Nobody causes anyone to be violent. It is his responsibility.

You need to cut him out completely and do whatever it means to safely do that. You do NOT need him to acknowledge anything or understand anything. You just need him out of your life and your children's lives.

Your responsibility is to rebuilding your trust with your kids. They are better off with their other parent for a while so they can feel safe. Work on yourself and why you ended up in that relationship. Then as others have said, prioritize them to get them home when you are stronger and home is safe.

Do not be under any illusion though. Women can and do lose their kids if they continue abusive relationships.

Hope you can get help

KatherineJaneway · 08/07/2022 05:52

Snoop85 · 08/07/2022 02:36

Your absolutely right. Thank you. I do love my children and should always put them first.

Yes you should. You can start by blocking this man out of your life forever.

Oblomov22 · 08/07/2022 06:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ConfusedNoMore · 08/07/2022 06:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

That's a really unpleasant comment to a woman who has suffered DV. Do you think it helps to berate her?

@Snoop85 needs support to make better choices.

If she lacks intelligence or common sense or emotional maturity (and I am not saying she does) do you think that is magically fixed with a telling off?

LilyMarshall · 08/07/2022 06:32

There are some appalling responses on this thread.

op, you were being abused by an aggressive and manipulative man. He has absurd you so much you came on here to ask whether him abusing you was your fault. It isnt. But that is how bad this abuse is. It has stopped you being able to know what is right.

You need to block all contact with him and report him to the police immediately if he tries to contact you.

asking for a referral to do a programme for women who have been in dv situations would help you to recognise the signs next time, as you're now vulnerable to another abusive man until you can recognise and react immediately to early red flags.

EarringsandLipstick · 08/07/2022 07:14

@Oblomov22

I've reported your post. You should be ashamed of yourself.

drlel · 08/07/2022 07:15

The responses are a bit harsh and I have sympathy for the OP as a victim of DV. She absolutely needs help to get him out her life and move on which will probably take a lot of support.

However I think the bit that is getting everyone's back up is that she has exposed her DC to this and doesn't seem to grasp the magnitude of that. She's only seen her kids for 30 mins in the last 3 weeks but rather than asking for advice on how to deal with that , regains access and to help them recover from what they've been exposed to, shes more concerned of what this arsehole thinks of her. She needs to prioritise her DC and help them heal

Her DS saw her physically abused to the point he called the police. He was then taken away from his own mum and has barely seen her since. He also likely knows he's not seen his mum since because she has chosen the man that beats her over him. He must be absolutely traumatised and it will have a lasting impact

CandyLeBonBon · 08/07/2022 07:19

Get a non molestation order and speak to the national domestic violence hotline, and look up the freedom programme for a wake up call about what's going on.

Then block him on everything. Speak to woman's aid, and work hard to repair the damage done to your children.

I was that 11 year old and it's terrifying. Social services will want to know you have cut ties with this man before allowing your children to return.

LilyMarshall · 08/07/2022 07:20

drlel · 08/07/2022 07:15

The responses are a bit harsh and I have sympathy for the OP as a victim of DV. She absolutely needs help to get him out her life and move on which will probably take a lot of support.

However I think the bit that is getting everyone's back up is that she has exposed her DC to this and doesn't seem to grasp the magnitude of that. She's only seen her kids for 30 mins in the last 3 weeks but rather than asking for advice on how to deal with that , regains access and to help them recover from what they've been exposed to, shes more concerned of what this arsehole thinks of her. She needs to prioritise her DC and help them heal

Her DS saw her physically abused to the point he called the police. He was then taken away from his own mum and has barely seen her since. He also likely knows he's not seen his mum since because she has chosen the man that beats her over him. He must be absolutely traumatised and it will have a lasting impact

You mean She has been so badly manipulated, she isnt even questioning that her children are better off without her.

bigbird50 · 08/07/2022 07:20

If you keep this man in your life ( and likely lie to your wider family) your now placing your DS at risk. Your narcissistic ex is expecting an apology. And your hand ringing about whether it’s your fault. If you choose to continue engaging with this man your DC will stay away and rightly so. I don’t think your ready to do that though as your focussed on this man and the effect your DV relationship was having on your DC. I grew up in a DV home and it was very distressing and I have terrible anxiety now as an adult at raised voices or any hint of a possible argument. Get some help and focus on yourself for a bit

aletterfromseneca · 08/07/2022 07:21

“It’s your fault you make me like this” is 100% abuser logic. Use the wake up call. Get away from him