Will he ever see that he ruined my life?

[Snoop85]

Of course I know that he isn’t 100% to blame but I wish he would admit some fault.
we were in a relationship for almost 2 years. I have 2 children that lived with me.
he calls me a narcissist and tells me that everyone hates me for the way I treated him.
He used to get very angry at times and has now and then grabbed me, pinned me against the wall and tried to head butt me.
each time I apologised because he said I was to blame for making him that person.
3 weeks ago, we had an argument and my 11 year old son called the police because he was scared.
when the police came round they asked me about that night but also asked about the past and the bruises on my arms.
I told them the truth.
My children were taken by my sister that night and then picked up by their Dad the next day.
Ive seen them only for half an hour during that time when they came to collect some things.
their dad won’t let them come home because he is worried and I understand this.
The guy that I was with contacted me straight after he was questioned and asked why I hadn’t told them that I had caused everything and it was my fault that he got angry.
He even told me that he was demanding an apology from my son for getting him into trouble for nothing and that I should explain to him that it’s my fault that he gets angry.
is this right?!

*may choose to
*drop

Maybe have a read about trauma bonding. Also when a relationship ends there are withdrawal type symptoms that are probably clouding your judgement…

www.instagram.com/reel/Cel3nc4pez5/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Hi OP, this man will never ever accept blame and it will never be ok between you. For your own sake and for your kids you need to do whatever it takes to cut all contact with him. Please get the police involved if you need to. Do not think you can have a rational conversation with him or get him to admit anything. You will lose every argument with him. The only way to move on is to cut ALL contact. Take care x

Unless you are prepared to cut all contact and never see or contact this man again, your kids are better off with their dad full time. Maybe you can then have supervised visits on his terms. Ultimately they need to be safe. Your 11 year old should be playing football and eating sweets, not calling then police to sort out his mum’s boyfriend.

But you haven't. You let them witness violence, you let them be scared in their own home, you didn't protect them.

I'm a teacher and I've always said this to my pupils - Your behaviour is YOUR responsibility. No one can make you behave in an abusive way, if someone abuses you it's because he/she wants to and chooses to do it.

Your POS ex had several other choices; talking to you calmly about how he feels, walking away if he's getting angry and also leaving you because he's not happy in the relationship. He's chosen to attack you physically and mentally instead and that is purely on him.

Cut off all contact, he will never apologise or admit fault. Build up your self esteem so that you will never again accept abusive treatment from anyone. It might actually be good for you to stay single for a while and just focus on yourself and your children.

Don't be like my cousin and put an Abu

*abuser before your kids like she did.

Block this monster across all platforms;change your locks,do whatever you need to get him completely out of your life.

Yes I know.
they are better off with their Dad.

Have you spoken to their dad? How are they ?

I have yes. And I’ve spoken to my children.
they are confused and scared.
Their Dad has been very angry with me which I understand.
I have been trying to offer and much support to the children as I am able to from a distance.

So you're still in touch with the abusive guy?

The police inform SS that your children have been removed from you? And will your ex be charged with assaulting you?

Sorry, did the police inform SS?

OP, this man needs to be an ex-partner. Is he back living with you again? That needs to end. Who’s house is it? Who owns it/is on the lease? If it’s clearly your house just ask him to leave (call women’s aid for advice on how to do this safely first, and the police non-emergency line to warn them you may need a police call out if he takes it badly and turns violent. Have someone else with you when you tell him - brothers are good for this if you have brothers.)
Once you have cut ties completely, your kids’ dad is likely to be open to splitting the children’s time between both your homes again. In the meantime, perhaps you could take them out weekly for dinner or a Saturday morning breakfast? Arrange something regular even if it is only an hour or two once a week. The crucial rule is that your violent ex must be nowhere near these visits with your kids.

They did. I have had the social services come to my house and they are satisfied that I am taking every measure to keep them safe if they come home.
the children weren’t removed from me, their Dad collected them and doesn’t think they should come home.
no I’m not in contact with that man. He was arrested and isn’t allowed near my children or me.

I can see from other threads that you say you've been with a couple of arsehole men in the last few years and this one has been kicked out and let back in a few times.

Gently OP, is it worth you focusing on yourself and having some counselling while your kids stay with their dad so they are somewhere safe and stable?

I think that their Dad's point of view is fair for now at least as he's seen you bring a number of horrible men into their lives (you say this elsewhere) and shown that you struggle to break it off with them even after they do things like literally giving your car away to a mate (which directly affects your kids) or refusing to contribute to household income (which directly affects your kids) not to mention your son having to call the police because he was terrified.

Maybe it would be good for everyone if at least temporarily they were with their dad while you focus on your mental health and boundaries?

"Will he ever see that he ruined my life?"

No. He never will. It's just not in him. He's not even capable of pretending to understand. For men like him, nothing is ever their fault. They always have to lie and expertly manipulate the scene to justify why they were violent and why, they in fact, are the real victims here.

You have been expertly brainwashed by him, and you need to deprogramme that for yourself - Do the Freedom programme and talk to women's aid. Get yourself back on track to being the mum you know you used to be.

There's no future with this man. He's made threats to your son. Your son at the tender age of 11 is twice the man your partner could ever be.

You have been expertly brainwashed by him

He's only the latest in a long line and OP is responsible for herself. You can't blame her failure to parent on her latest terrible boyfriend.

I agree with this. I can see why their Dad is determined to ensure their safety - if the children have witnessed a number of abusive/toxic men in a short space of time, it's now time for them to heal and process what they have witnessed in a safe and stable environment, assuming that is something they can get with their dad.

OP - take your focus away from trying to prove or account for your abusive exes behaviour. Don't try and analyse it - read up on trauma bonds, do the Freedom Programme, speak to your local domestic abuse service for support. Do everything you can to re-establish and implement a set of very clear and strong boundaries for yourself to prevent this sort of thing happening again. Work with these agencies to heal from your experiences, work with your ex/children to reassure them that you understand the trauma and can provide safety moving forwards. It's so important that you take away the focus from this (and other) man and prioritise your children.