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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will he ever see that he ruined my life?

70 replies

Snoop85 · 08/07/2022 02:14

Of course I know that he isn’t 100% to blame but I wish he would admit some fault.
we were in a relationship for almost 2 years. I have 2 children that lived with me.
he calls me a narcissist and tells me that everyone hates me for the way I treated him.
He used to get very angry at times and has now and then grabbed me, pinned me against the wall and tried to head butt me.
each time I apologised because he said I was to blame for making him that person.
3 weeks ago, we had an argument and my 11 year old son called the police because he was scared.
when the police came round they asked me about that night but also asked about the past and the bruises on my arms.
I told them the truth.
My children were taken by my sister that night and then picked up by their Dad the next day.
Ive seen them only for half an hour during that time when they came to collect some things.
their dad won’t let them come home because he is worried and I understand this.
The guy that I was with contacted me straight after he was questioned and asked why I hadn’t told them that I had caused everything and it was my fault that he got angry.
He even told me that he was demanding an apology from my son for getting him into trouble for nothing and that I should explain to him that it’s my fault that he gets angry.
is this right?!

OP posts:

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 08/07/2022 07:41

You need to cut ties with him or you’ll loose your kids. It’s so not fair to your kids to be expose to this…

Imagine that he’s dead. He should be dead to you. Don’t spend any more time and energy on thinking about him.

Bananalanacake · 08/07/2022 07:43

How long were you together when he moved in. You need to give a relationship a good few years when you have DC before living together. The good thing is you are no longer with him.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 08/07/2022 07:44

Get in touch with Womens Aid and tell them what you’ve told us here. You need counselling to recognise what has happened and how to put boundaries in the future.

lunar1 · 08/07/2022 07:52

He will likely never give it a thought, and that's exactly what you should be doing towards him.

Block him on every physical platform you can. Start taking legal steps to prevent him coming near you or your children again.

Engage with every service available to you, and look at getting 1:1 therapy for your children (not family therapy).

Make arrangements to see you children regularly and increasing the time.

You can only control what you do from here, you need to take ownership of that. It's not likely it's ever going to be advisable to have a relationship that involves your children until they are well into adulthood now. So look after yourself and build on the bonds with your DC.

Dacquoise · 08/07/2022 08:01

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 08/07/2022 07:44

Get in touch with Womens Aid and tell them what you’ve told us here. You need counselling to recognise what has happened and how to put boundaries in the future.

Totally agree with this.

I was brought up by two warring parents who were oblivious to the trauma they were causing to their children. I can remember sitting on the stairs, as a four year old, frozen in fear as they hit and swore at each other. It was like we didn't exist they were so caught up with each other and their 'relationship' which was thoroughly toxic.

The consequence of witnessing violence was lifelong hypervigilence around other people and a very high threshold for toxic behaviours in others which has affected most of my relationships, not in a good way. My brother has gone the other way and virtually cut off his emotions. It has made him callous towards others. I have been in therapy for over ten years to undo the damage.

It would be better to be single so your children can grow up feeling safe. Until you are able to form functional relationships with a loving partner. You don't seem to be able to recognise that and need help to sort this out for your sake as well as your children, who are innocent victims in this. 💐

Oblomov22 · 08/07/2022 08:16

@EarringsandLipstick

I'm not ashamed. pp says :

"So you haven't seen your kids for 3 weeks but youre on mumsnet worrying about some loser ex boyfriend?! I would start by getting your priorities in order."

I'm not saying anything different. Her poor fucking 11 year old. So scared he calls the police. At aged 11. His dad takes him, and she's barely seen her dc for 3 weeks.

And she's on mn asking about the abusive boyfriend 'ruining her life'. She needs to get her head straight, get her priorities right. Number one should be doing everything she can to get her kids back.

stayingpositiveifpossible · 08/07/2022 08:23

As others have said. The key is ALMOST.

Your life is not ruined YET.

But what you need to do it FORGET friendships or relationships with men ENTIRELY right now - and put your children and yourself FIRST.

If you don't the consequences are clear and you WILL lose your kids. And regret it for a lifetime.

I'm not blaming you for this situation. it doesn't sound like you are the narcissist here, what I am saying is this is the practical situation and exactly what women's aid will tell you.

stayingpositiveifpossible · 08/07/2022 08:24

You are a MOTHER. This is a leadership position.
So act like one and LEAD.

TabithaTittlemouse · 08/07/2022 08:28

He’s treated you appallingly and convinced you that it’s your fault.

Is he still in your home?

Totheweekend · 08/07/2022 08:37

To answer your question - no he won’t.
Please turn your attention to not ruining your children’s lives.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 08/07/2022 08:38

He used to get very angry at times and has now and then grabbed me, pinned me against the wall and tried to head butt me. Each time I apologised because he said I was to blame

He is an absolutely classic abuser. And unfortunately he has messed your head up so much that you blame yourself. Don’t let him near you or your children ever again. please contact Women’s Aid for help. Your first priority is to make a safe home for yourself and your children, and then have some kind of counselling to help you keep yourself and them safe from men like him.

Whatever00 · 08/07/2022 08:47

You need to decide your kids or this man. You need to choose. I wouldn't let you near the kids without you demonstrating that they are your priority and safeguarding them is your priority. Do the freedom programme, get therapy and work towards building trust with your ex so you can get your kids back.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 08/07/2022 09:11

So what practical steps do you need to do to change this?
Have you spoken to Womens Aid or similar?

Manekinek0 · 08/07/2022 09:22

I was in a violent relationship for about 10 years OP. No they don't change or see the truth, they believe they are some kind of victim and blame everyone else for their behaviour. My ex has gone on to new relationships where he has continued to be violent.

I fully recommend the freedom programme.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
It helped me to see through a lot of the manipulation that is so common with these men.

Do you have a plan in place to get your children back?

BodenCardiganNot · 08/07/2022 09:24

Will your children want to come back do you think? Will their father allow it?

SkeletonFight · 08/07/2022 09:27

There is only one thing you need to think about here "my 11 year old son called the police because he was scared" Get your act together.

StarDolphins · 08/07/2022 09:29

This man shouldn’t take up any further thoughts.

concentrate 100% on your DC because stuff like this is damaging to them. Get your DC back & start repairing damage. Poor child going through that then not seeing Mum will definitely have caused distress.

good luck :)

Iamnotamermaid · 08/07/2022 09:34

Your son actually stepped up did what you needed to do. But you followed up and told the police the truth which was brave & needed to be done. So now is the time to keep going, take a long hard look at the situation you are in and speak to your DC dad about what needs to happen for you to have access to or see them again.

Focus on that, not your (hopefully) ex partner...

KosherDill · 08/07/2022 09:38

COL1N · 08/07/2022 02:17

So you haven't seen your kids for 3 weeks but youre on mumsnet worrying about some loser ex boyfriend?! I would start by getting your priorities in order.

God, yes.

Those poor traumatized kids.

Ilosthim · 08/07/2022 09:44

I remember that fear. Mum and dad screaming and shouting, violence, plates thrown, doors punched, alcohol.... the feeling of not being "looked after" when they're like this because they are so wrapped up in the row that me and my brother could have literally jumped out the window and they wouldnt have noticed.

Lifelong implications.

You've had a terrible time and you're all over the place but, you're a mum and for that reason alone, as hard as it is, you have to step up or you will lose them.

Forget the violent abusive man, why the hell are you thinking about him. You dont have the luxury to dwell on this. Formulate a solid plan, with Womens Aid and get your kids back before it is too late.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/07/2022 09:50

You've got a choice, OP.

This abusive man or your children. Because their father is well aware of what is going to happen to your son if you ever have contact with that man again - that abuser is going to make your son pay for protecting you. And as such, your children's father is going to protect them both from that abuser and from you exposing them to him.

Hesma · 08/07/2022 09:58

No it’s not right OP. You are NOT to blame for his anger issues and violence. You need this man away from you and now to now focus and rebuilding your relationship with your DC. Take it slowly, see if you can get counselling to help them and you. You should be so proud of your 11 year old… he may well have saved your life. Sending you a hug

AngryMum69696 · 08/07/2022 10:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2022 10:32

I hope your kids dad is stable and can offer them a healthy secure home. That’s what they deserve. I hope you get the help you need to avoid future abusive relationships and learn to protect your children.

Pinkbonbon · 08/07/2022 10:34

You know what a sociopath is right op?
Well, he is a sociopath.

He will never be sorry. He .ace choose to act like it briefly if he realises intimidating you won't work to make you drip the charges. But it's all a con.

Prosecute to the full extent of the law. That's the only way to protect yourself from people like him.

Please get your children into counciling fast. This shit can really mess kids up. And do all you can to go for full custody. Abusers shouldn't be around anyone, let alone kids.

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