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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He seems to be shying away from sex?

70 replies

Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 00:02

Ok I CANNOT work this guy I’m dating out at all! We’ve had 7 dates, with sleepovers on 4th and 5th date. The 6th and 7th dates were both nice, but at the end of them we didn’t spend the night together and he made an excuse why both times, e.g. he’s tired, gotta get up early the next day etc. The 7th date was last night and I felt rejected after he wanted to go home alone again. But then as soon as I got home, he texted me saying he had a fun time and started making normal conversation.

I’ve never had a guy act like this before - really affectionate in person and keen to set up dates but seemingly shying away from intimacy.

Have any of you ladies experienced this? Is this his way of slowing things down? Is he just not that attracted to me and doesn’t want to lead me on?

OP posts:
HoneyFlowers · 07/07/2022 00:05

Maybe he doesn't want to sleep with someone straight away, not all guys do. Give him some space to breathe and get to know each other first.

seaUrchinOne · 07/07/2022 00:09

I would think he's friend zoning you. If there's not much passion and desire for both of you and it's one sided then he can't be for you, sounds rather dull to me to carry on.

Besttobe8001 · 07/07/2022 00:22

It doesn't matter why he is like this. You could spend an entire lifetime Trying to Figure Out Men and it would be time wasted. All that matters is it doesn't suit you and makes you feel rubbish.

Joy69 · 07/07/2022 07:44

My partner was like this & I began to wonder what was going on. Turns out that after his marriage broke up he jumped straight into another disastrous relationship & didn't want to make the same mistake again. When we finally dtd it was well worth the wait & we're still together 3 years later.
Just to add he slso had ed due to confidence issues & had to take a pill ( all ok now). Could this be the problem & he's plucking uo courage to talk about it?
Hope it all works out for you 💐

Thestoppedfan · 07/07/2022 07:55

My now DH was like this and like you I found it really unusual! He told me that he was really nervous and wanted to be as respectful as possible to make sure it was what we both wanted. It was definitely worth waiting and it made it more special when we did.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 08:12

We’ve already slept together on the 4th and 5th date so that’s why I find this really puzzling - it’s not as if he just wants to wait as it’s already happened!

As soon as I got back from the last date he started messaging me as if there wasn’t anything the matter. But it felt like a rejection when he didn’t want anything physical to happen !!

OP posts:
Dancinginthedark01 · 07/07/2022 08:14

Was there an opportunity for you to have sex even without him staying over?

Hoolahulahoop · 07/07/2022 08:16

That's strange. Just cool it off quite a bit. He's bound to wonder whats wrong then you could just say that he's been quite cool too.

ColdColdHart · 07/07/2022 08:17

Was the sex good on the 4th and 5th dates?

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 08:18

seaUrchinOne · 07/07/2022 00:09

I would think he's friend zoning you. If there's not much passion and desire for both of you and it's one sided then he can't be for you, sounds rather dull to me to carry on.

He’s so affectionate when we are together, holding my hand, kissing hugging etc so it feels like there’s a good energy when we are around each other and we are into each other … but then I am surprised when he just wants to go home by himself afterwards

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 08:21

Dancinginthedark01 · 07/07/2022 08:14

Was there an opportunity for you to have sex even without him staying over?

Both of these dates were evening ones so it would have been quite late for him to leave mine afterwards or vice versa without staying over

OP posts:
HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 07/07/2022 08:26

Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 08:21

Both of these dates were evening ones so it would have been quite late for him to leave mine afterwards or vice versa without staying over

Show quote history

That might be your answer, maybe he’s not into sex and leave and prefers staying over, ?

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 08:27

ColdColdHart · 07/07/2022 08:17

Was the sex good on the 4th and 5th dates?

Definitely not mind blowing but one of those where I think it would definitely get better…

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 08:29

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 07/07/2022 08:26

That might be your answer, maybe he’s not into sex and leave and prefers staying over, ?

Show quote history

Both times he would have been able to stay at mine. He’s on annual leave at the moment so wouldn’t have been rushing to go back home for work

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 08:33

Joy69 · 07/07/2022 07:44

My partner was like this & I began to wonder what was going on. Turns out that after his marriage broke up he jumped straight into another disastrous relationship & didn't want to make the same mistake again. When we finally dtd it was well worth the wait & we're still together 3 years later.
Just to add he slso had ed due to confidence issues & had to take a pill ( all ok now). Could this be the problem & he's plucking uo courage to talk about it?
Hope it all works out for you 💐

We have already slept together and I know that he doesn’t have ED. It could be that he is just lacking in confidence …

OP posts:
elipants · 07/07/2022 08:34

Ask him and don't guess, he might have a good reason or he might like you but not be feeling you sexually in which case if you need that in a relationship you have a clear answer and can move on.

something2say · 07/07/2022 08:34

This is making me think of an ex of mine. I remember one morning in bed, waking up, kiss and cuddle, start ....you know...but he just stopped! We could both have had a nice orgasm but he wanted to stop. I thought, blimey, but ok I guess, and started to get up, and that time he pulled me back and we did finish, but we went on to have very little sex and sex was a sore point all the way through. It split us up. He said at the end 5 yrs later he'd been worried about sex and had deliberately avoided it.

How shit for you now. How emotionally invested in this relationship are you? That might need to guide your next move. If really invested, protect your heart a bit until you know more about why he is being like this....x

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 08:35

Hoolahulahoop · 07/07/2022 08:16

That's strange. Just cool it off quite a bit. He's bound to wonder whats wrong then you could just say that he's been quite cool too.

I plan to take a step back yeah . I was excited as I saw this going somewhere but definitely not sure anymore given the way he’s been acting

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 07/07/2022 08:37

Sex is important to me so this would turn me right off. A man I'm dating who doesn't want to have sex at every opportunity (as I do!!) isn't compatible with me, whatever his reasons might be.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 08:38

elipants · 07/07/2022 08:34

Ask him and don't guess, he might have a good reason or he might like you but not be feeling you sexually in which case if you need that in a relationship you have a clear answer and can move on.

I am worried about bringing it up as we’re very much in early stages but can’t really ignore it for much longer as it’s starting to bother me and make me feel undesirable etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 08:39

something2say · 07/07/2022 08:34

This is making me think of an ex of mine. I remember one morning in bed, waking up, kiss and cuddle, start ....you know...but he just stopped! We could both have had a nice orgasm but he wanted to stop. I thought, blimey, but ok I guess, and started to get up, and that time he pulled me back and we did finish, but we went on to have very little sex and sex was a sore point all the way through. It split us up. He said at the end 5 yrs later he'd been worried about sex and had deliberately avoided it.

How shit for you now. How emotionally invested in this relationship are you? That might need to guide your next move. If really invested, protect your heart a bit until you know more about why he is being like this....x

I do feel emotionally invested. We get on, we have fun, I feel like we have developed a really close bond but this just feels so .. off? I don’t know how to bring this issue up so early on !

OP posts:
Siameasy · 07/07/2022 08:41

Yes and it’s a bad omen. You should be with someone who lusts after you in these early stages. It will make you really angry in the long run. I have met the odd bloke like this and when you contrast it to what I class as normal guys who are gagging for it I wonder now if those reticent blokes were asexual

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 08:42

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 07/07/2022 08:37

Sex is important to me so this would turn me right off. A man I'm dating who doesn't want to have sex at every opportunity (as I do!!) isn't compatible with me, whatever his reasons might be.

I am the same. Sex is very important to me too and everything feels very PG since the 5th date

OP posts:
lozza8256 · 07/07/2022 08:47

Besttobe8001 · 07/07/2022 00:22

It doesn't matter why he is like this. You could spend an entire lifetime Trying to Figure Out Men and it would be time wasted. All that matters is it doesn't suit you and makes you feel rubbish.

This is one of the best things I've ever heard here ... because it's so true! Why oh why do we waste SO much time trying to figure out what someone else is thinking/doing/acting, rather than understanding and putting our own needs/wants/desires first. If you're confused - ask him - and then figure out what you want to do with what he tells you.

He clearly means a lot to you so I hope you get the answers you want and deserve x

ArcticSkewer · 07/07/2022 08:47

You need to talk about it. Take things from there
An alternative explanation is that he is juggling women and had just had sex with someone else
So it's either ... undersexed (no good for you) or oversexed (probably the same?)
But give him a chance first. See what he says.