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Original poster

He seems to be shying away from sex?

70 replies

Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 00:02

Ok I CANNOT work this guy I’m dating out at all! We’ve had 7 dates, with sleepovers on 4th and 5th date. The 6th and 7th dates were both nice, but at the end of them we didn’t spend the night together and he made an excuse why both times, e.g. he’s tired, gotta get up early the next day etc. The 7th date was last night and I felt rejected after he wanted to go home alone again. But then as soon as I got home, he texted me saying he had a fun time and started making normal conversation.

I’ve never had a guy act like this before - really affectionate in person and keen to set up dates but seemingly shying away from intimacy.

Have any of you ladies experienced this? Is this his way of slowing things down? Is he just not that attracted to me and doesn’t want to lead me on?

OP posts:
something2say · 07/07/2022 08:49

Time to do something then. Wht not be open with him, a bit sad and down, and when he asks why, say that you were looking forward to going to bed with him and are disappointed he left.

My ex would have reassured me of his interest but the proof was more in the pudding so keep eyes open after any reassurance in case it's just to shut you up...

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/07/2022 08:49

If your 4th and 5th dates ended up in sex and him staying over, maybe he doesn't want to get into that routine so early on? Maybe he wants to enjoy dating for a bit longer without it ending in staying over every time?

elipants · 07/07/2022 08:52

Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 08:38

I am worried about bringing it up as we’re very much in early stages but can’t really ignore it for much longer as it’s starting to bother me and make me feel undesirable etc

Show quote history

Its better to be frank about it and just ask, how will you feel if you ignore the issue for another month or two, get more and more attached to him then you do ask and he says something like he's just not that interested in sex or he suddenly ends the relationship due to lack of attraction or sexual compatibility. Don't waste your time.

Siameasy · 07/07/2022 08:56

Besttobe8001
It doesn't matter why he is like this. You could spend an entire lifetime Trying to Figure Out Men and it would be time wasted. All that matters is it doesn't suit you and makes you feel rubbish.

Yes! Women are always expected to “save” a man. Walk away now - you deserve someone who lusts after you

Hillrunning · 07/07/2022 08:58

Not everyone is always sex ready. I think you are over thinking this. There are a million reasons he may not have wanted sex on thoes two nights. He could have an infection, he could have tried shaving/waxing that went a bit wrong, he might be feeling a bit unwell, he might be worried that if every date turns into sex then the focus on getting to know how well your personalities match might go out the window. He might not like sleeping at yours (too cold, dog smell, awkward about needing a morning poo). There are endless reasons. If you get on well then I wouldn't obsess over a few sexless dates.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 09:21

Siameasy · 07/07/2022 08:56

Besttobe8001
It doesn't matter why he is like this. You could spend an entire lifetime Trying to Figure Out Men and it would be time wasted. All that matters is it doesn't suit you and makes you feel rubbish.

Yes! Women are always expected to “save” a man. Walk away now - you deserve someone who lusts after you

Yeah I have to say it’s making me feel as though he’s not attracted to me. :(

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 07/07/2022 09:27

Ok I CANNOT work this guy I’m dating out at all

This is your cue to end the relationship, OP. If you're trying to 'work someone out' rather than feeling comfortable asking them to clarify things, you're not compatible.

Keep leaving people behind until you meet someone who makes you feel that everything is clear and simple. That's what compatibility feels like.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 11:17

Hillrunning · 07/07/2022 08:58

Not everyone is always sex ready. I think you are over thinking this. There are a million reasons he may not have wanted sex on thoes two nights. He could have an infection, he could have tried shaving/waxing that went a bit wrong, he might be feeling a bit unwell, he might be worried that if every date turns into sex then the focus on getting to know how well your personalities match might go out the window. He might not like sleeping at yours (too cold, dog smell, awkward about needing a morning poo). There are endless reasons. If you get on well then I wouldn't obsess over a few sexless dates.

I think I’m just used to guys being interested in having sex if we are dating and so this feels very alien to me . I keep wondering whether there is something that’s not quite right re his attraction to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 11:22

elipants · 07/07/2022 08:52

Its better to be frank about it and just ask, how will you feel if you ignore the issue for another month or two, get more and more attached to him then you do ask and he says something like he's just not that interested in sex or he suddenly ends the relationship due to lack of attraction or sexual compatibility. Don't waste your time.

Show quote history

You’re right , I think I need to just address this directly .and see where his head is at.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 07/07/2022 11:34

If you are prepared to have sex with him, then, please, be prepared to have a conversation about sex between you with him.

Much easier to say than to do, I know. Find a reasonably open question to get started, ask him how he feels about... and tell him how you feel when he wants to leave early.

If you can't talk to him about awkward things, then he's really not worth your time. If you can get him to talk, it could be a really great relationship.

Have at it. Good luck.

theviewfrommywindow · 07/07/2022 11:40

Are you 100% sure that he's not rushing back as he's already married, or something like that? I'm guessing that's not a concern? (not wanting to be doom and gloom)

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 11:58

theviewfrommywindow · 07/07/2022 11:40

Are you 100% sure that he's not rushing back as he's already married, or something like that? I'm guessing that's not a concern? (not wanting to be doom and gloom)

He’s definitely not already married. I’ve been to his apartment . So that’s not a concern and I know he’s been single for around 2/3 years.

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 07/07/2022 12:02

Ask him! Better to find out the reason rather than just assume wrong things. It doesn't need to be confrontational, just enquire why he doesn't seem to be keen on sex. I wouldn't take 'tired' for an answer. If he has energy for the actual dates, he is not too tired.

Albgo · 07/07/2022 12:03

Ask him if he wants to come back for sex but not stay?

Albgo · 07/07/2022 12:03

Or say let's meet earlier have sex and then go out?

Dancinginthedark01 · 07/07/2022 12:21

Can you say, hey I was disappointed we didn’t get to have sex the other night. I was looking forward to it! Say it upbeat and lighthearted not in a heavy conversation. See how he reacts.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/07/2022 12:27

maybe he really was tired and had to get up early the next day?

AmIWrongAgain · 07/07/2022 13:20

Were dates 6 and 7 close together?

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 13:47

AmIWrongAgain · 07/07/2022 13:20

Were dates 6 and 7 close together?

Date 6 was last week, date 7 was 5 days later. So fairly close together

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 13:48

AryaStarkWolf · 07/07/2022 12:27

maybe he really was tired and had to get up early the next day?

he is on annual leave at the moment so isn’t working. There was no reason for him to get up early this morning and hadn’t been working yesterday or anything

OP posts:
whatsthpoint · 07/07/2022 13:53

Not great sex the two times you've had it, then he doesn't want it the next two times you see each other? Nah, chuck him back, it won't get better.

Fidgety31 · 07/07/2022 13:56

Maybe he’s having a herpes outbreak and too shy to tell you ?!

AryaStarkWolf · 07/07/2022 13:57

Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 13:48

he is on annual leave at the moment so isn’t working. There was no reason for him to get up early this morning and hadn’t been working yesterday or anything

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ah Ok that is a bit odd then, weird that he keeps arranging more dates though if he's decided he doesn't fancy you now?

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 14:00

AryaStarkWolf · 07/07/2022 13:57

ah Ok that is a bit odd then, weird that he keeps arranging more dates though if he's decided he doesn't fancy you now?

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Yeah exactly . On the dates it seems like he does fancy me , kissing and being affectionate and holding hands. And always messaging me throughout the day and starting conversations. I don’t know why he would do all that if he wasn’t attracted. But it seems to be some sort of barrier around intimacy itself .

OP posts:
AmIWrongAgain · 07/07/2022 14:17

Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 13:47

Date 6 was last week, date 7 was 5 days later. So fairly close together

Show quote history

My first thought was herpes, he’s having an outbreak and doesn’t want to say. I see someone else has said this so I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks it! I also thought maybe he injured himself during your last night together and doesn’t know how to say and he’s waiting for it to heal. Vasectomy was another idea, maybe he had one planned and booked before you met and doesn’t know how to bring it up? Just seems if he’s affectionate on dates and wants more dates it’s unlikely he’s gone off you. But none of my ideas are really setting you up for a happy relationship as it means he’s not being honest with you. Sorry :(

I see you said earlier it’s definitely not ED, how do you know?