Page 3 | He seems to be shying away from sex?

Fallingslowly26 · 2022-07-06T23:02:30+00:00

Ok I CANNOT work this guy I’m dating out at all! We’ve had 7 dates, with sleepovers on 4th and 5th date. The 6th and 7th dates were both nice, but at the end of them we didn’t spend the night together and he made an excuse why both times, e.g. he’s tired, gotta get up early the next day etc. The 7th date was last night and I felt rejected after he wanted to go home alone again. But then as soon as I got home, he texted me saying he had a fun time and started making normal conversation. I’ve never had a guy act like this before - really affectionate in person and keen to set up dates but seemingly shying away from intimacy. Have any of you ladies experienced this? Is this his way of slowing things down? Is he just not that attracted to me and doesn’t want to lead me on?

MiniPiccolo · 07/07/2022 14:33

He has a lower sex drive, OP, and literally isn't driven by it. Run. It wont end well.

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 14:38

AmIWrongAgain · 07/07/2022 14:17

My first thought was herpes, he’s having an outbreak and doesn’t want to say. I see someone else has said this so I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks it! I also thought maybe he injured himself during your last night together and doesn’t know how to say and he’s waiting for it to heal. Vasectomy was another idea, maybe he had one planned and booked before you met and doesn’t know how to bring it up? Just seems if he’s affectionate on dates and wants more dates it’s unlikely he’s gone off you. But none of my ideas are really setting you up for a happy relationship as it means he’s not being honest with you. Sorry :(

I see you said earlier it’s definitely not ED, how do you know?

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It could be herpes … that’s a possibility .

don’t think it’s a vasectomy as he has told me he would like to have kids (he doesn’t have any at the moment)

he didn’t have any sign of ED when we were intimate before but I suppose that issue can come and go - another possibility!

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riserved · 07/07/2022 14:40

I knew someone who behaved like this. Turned out he was just casual at first and when he realised his feelings were getting more serious he backtracked a bit because he didn't want it to just be about the sex. Any chance of this OP?

AryaStarkWolf · 07/07/2022 14:45

Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 14:00

Yeah exactly . On the dates it seems like he does fancy me , kissing and being affectionate and holding hands. And always messaging me throughout the day and starting conversations. I don’t know why he would do all that if he wasn’t attracted. But it seems to be some sort of barrier around intimacy itself .

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Unless he just doesn't like sex in general for some reason?

Almostthere1 · 07/07/2022 14:49

I had a very similar experience OP, it was very confusing and made me feel rejected and undesirable. I finally decided to ask directly and it turned out he was just constantly tired, focused on work and the timing was wrong for him (read: just lost interest in the relationship and wanted out).
Seek clarity and what he says is not what you want at least you’ll not waste your time!

AmIWrongAgain · 07/07/2022 15:02

Lots of men hide it very well at certain times. There are lots of reasons you might not have noticed the times you were already intimate because he could’ve been hiding it. Maybe he’s waiting for his next prescription of viagra. Maybe he’s worried the more times you do it the more likely you are to notice. Maybe he can only get it up once a month. I can see why it’s difficult to discuss for him, and I can see why it’s difficult for you to ask!

Could also be the low sex drive thing but he’s been with you twice so he wanted it then.

Doesn’t seem like much fun for you at the moment though x

Iflyaway · 07/07/2022 17:27

Nah, couldn't be bothered with all the faffing about and speculation. He's either into me or not.

And a guy who makes me doubt myself with him I would be moving on.

Bisexual maybe. Just not so turned on by women. NOTHING to do with you OP!!

Grab the bull by the horns, and just ask. You owe it to yourself. It's all a learning curve anyway.

Whichever way, he's very wishy-washy.

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 17:30

AryaStarkWolf · 07/07/2022 14:45

Unless he just doesn't like sex in general for some reason?

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maybe a low sex drive. Im not sure. I’ve never experienced this before from someone im dating!

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Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 17:31

Almostthere1 · 07/07/2022 14:49

I had a very similar experience OP, it was very confusing and made me feel rejected and undesirable. I finally decided to ask directly and it turned out he was just constantly tired, focused on work and the timing was wrong for him (read: just lost interest in the relationship and wanted out).
Seek clarity and what he says is not what you want at least you’ll not waste your time!

it Could be that he’s lost interest .. I just don’t understand why he’d want to message me so much and set up other dates

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Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 17:32

riserved · 07/07/2022 14:40

I knew someone who behaved like this. Turned out he was just casual at first and when he realised his feelings were getting more serious he backtracked a bit because he didn't want it to just be about the sex. Any chance of this OP?

It could be that yeah. I just wish he would communicate with me rather than just acting as though we haven’t ever slept together before !

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Watchkeys · 07/07/2022 17:42

I just wish he would communicate with me rather than

Do you really want to get further involved with someone you're saying this about after a few weeks?

DatingDinosaur · 07/07/2022 18:08

Did I miss The Rule that said once you’ve had sex, you must have sex every time you meet?

“I just wish he would communicate with me”

Is there a reason you can’t talk to him about it? Communication troubles lie ahead if you can’t, so it probably would be better to call it a day now rather than trying to second-guess why he’s being a perfectly normal gentleman.

I think he sounds lovely, respectful, affectionate and to me that would indicate that he wants more than just a physical relationship. Perhaps he’d like you to get to know the person beyond the penis.

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 18:17

DatingDinosaur · 07/07/2022 18:08

Did I miss The Rule that said once you’ve had sex, you must have sex every time you meet?

“I just wish he would communicate with me”

Is there a reason you can’t talk to him about it? Communication troubles lie ahead if you can’t, so it probably would be better to call it a day now rather than trying to second-guess why he’s being a perfectly normal gentleman.

I think he sounds lovely, respectful, affectionate and to me that would indicate that he wants more than just a physical relationship. Perhaps he’d like you to get to know the person beyond the penis.

I don’t think that always has to be the case! I just am used to guys being keen for sleepovers after dates. Whether that involves sex or not.

he is really kind respectful considerate etc. But I suppose I’m viewing it as a rejection that he doesn’t seem interested in being intimate again

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DatingDinosaur · 07/07/2022 18:56

“But I suppose I’m viewing it as a rejection that he doesn’t seem interested in being intimate again”

Again? Ever again? Has he said this? Or are you assuming?

Those guys who want/expect a sleepover? How did those relationships work out?

Perhaps he’d like to get to know the person behind the vagina too…

Not being pushy for sex / sleepovers doesn’t indicate a lack of interest or attraction if other signs and “vibes” are good (I don't see it that way anyway).

To quote a book “an occasional glass of champagne is better than a bottle of vin ordinaire”.

Sorry but I think you've found a good-un here and think you should give him a chance and try to stop basing interest and attraction on sex alone. Of course, if you're not looking for a relationship and just want fun no-commitment sex then you might be singing from different hymn sheets..

I'll get off my soap-box now, lol.

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 20:20

DatingDinosaur · 07/07/2022 18:56

“But I suppose I’m viewing it as a rejection that he doesn’t seem interested in being intimate again”

Again? Ever again? Has he said this? Or are you assuming?

Those guys who want/expect a sleepover? How did those relationships work out?

Perhaps he’d like to get to know the person behind the vagina too…

Not being pushy for sex / sleepovers doesn’t indicate a lack of interest or attraction if other signs and “vibes” are good (I don't see it that way anyway).

To quote a book “an occasional glass of champagne is better than a bottle of vin ordinaire”.

Sorry but I think you've found a good-un here and think you should give him a chance and try to stop basing interest and attraction on sex alone. Of course, if you're not looking for a relationship and just want fun no-commitment sex then you might be singing from different hymn sheets..

I'll get off my soap-box now, lol.

He hasn’t said this - and I’m sure it’s not every again!

Obviously the relationships with the guys who have expected a sleepover have largely not worked out, otherwise I wouldn’t be dating!!

I definitely am not looking for just sex. But sex is important to me in a relationship / potential relationship.

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DontLookBackInAnger1 · 07/07/2022 22:28

Just ask him.

The best advice I can give, in any relationship, is to communicate. Guessing, assuming, resenting isn't going to be a good grounding for a relationship.

If you have a problem or issue, discuss it. If he can't, then it won't work as a good partner communicates.

"I'm feeling a bit vulnerable and worried that you don't want intimacy with me. I had a great time on our 4th/5th date but you seem to have cooled. Is everything ok?"

BBfifteen · 07/07/2022 22:46

@Fallingslowly26 sounds like a guy I dated. Affectionate, hand holding, the kissing was amazing..the passion..the build up…and boom nothing. It really got to me and I mentioned it. He said he wanted to take things slowly..fair enough..but it didn’t improve. I never knew when I could/couldn’t would/wouldn’t have sex. When I broached it again he slept with me that eve (his initiation) …proceeded to text me the next day saying it would have felt nice not to have felt pressured! Yeah to say it ruined us is an understatement..never felt so awful.
I’d suggest speaking to him and trying to find out the real reason ..good luck it’s hard I know.

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 22:54

BBfifteen · 07/07/2022 22:46

@Fallingslowly26 sounds like a guy I dated. Affectionate, hand holding, the kissing was amazing..the passion..the build up…and boom nothing. It really got to me and I mentioned it. He said he wanted to take things slowly..fair enough..but it didn’t improve. I never knew when I could/couldn’t would/wouldn’t have sex. When I broached it again he slept with me that eve (his initiation) …proceeded to text me the next day saying it would have felt nice not to have felt pressured! Yeah to say it ruined us is an understatement..never felt so awful.
I’d suggest speaking to him and trying to find out the real reason ..good luck it’s hard I know.

Ugh that’s awful. Did you find out the reason in the end why he didn’t want to have sex?

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Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 07/07/2022 22:57

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 07/07/2022 22:28

Just ask him.

The best advice I can give, in any relationship, is to communicate. Guessing, assuming, resenting isn't going to be a good grounding for a relationship.

If you have a problem or issue, discuss it. If he can't, then it won't work as a good partner communicates.

"I'm feeling a bit vulnerable and worried that you don't want intimacy with me. I had a great time on our 4th/5th date but you seem to have cooled. Is everything ok?"

Think it’s something I will have to bring up in person. Maybe next time I see him. It needs to be addressed but feel awkward texting him about it.

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BBfifteen · 07/07/2022 23:20

@Fallingslowly26 erm..
didnt want to rush…followed by lack of libido..followed by he may..but he may not..followed by sex texts/dick pics..followed by confusion all round..only slept with him 3 times in 4m..not for me!