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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why does he walk away like this, so suddenly

62 replies

Truthislife · 06/07/2022 21:55

I’ve been in a relationship for the last two years. According to him he feels the same as me, in that he’s never had something so amazing and feels so spiritual and special together. We never run out of things to talk about, we are alike in many ways. In some ways we are not. There is a huge double standard in the relationship in that he will never be questioned on anything and requires “blind trust”. I am pretty easygoing but I admit I do have some triggers with how open he is about his attraction to others and discussions about that. I’ve even indulged him with fantasy, but sometimes it feels a bit all consuming and invasive. It is not a problem until he seriously gives me reason to believe I am of little value to him, when he walks away. A few times over the last couple of years he has started a big fight with me and then ended it for a couple of months, resisting all attempts to heal it, and writing off all we share as “a toxic combination”. The first time it’s because he was convinced I fancy his friend who I met once in a zoom he invited me to. No matter how much I explained this was not the case, and I am intensely loyal and wrapped up in the person I love, he gave me hell about it and still brings it up. I didn’t even talk on the zoom. His reason was I was sitting too close to the camera. I haven’t spoken to this man, yet he insists I have his number and must have contacted him. He himself believes hiding stuff is not an issue in a relationship and he would tell other women he’s attracted to them but take it no further, and not tell me. This is an example of how he thinks. I am uncomfortable with any form of deceit or line crossing in a relationship. I’m sorry this is long. So he’s ended it with me again. For the last six months things have been amazing between us, we hardly ever argue. He attempts to sometimes with starting something and I back off from it. But this time my nan was dying in hospital. I’m part of a group that does charity work and having only shared my nans impending death with him for years, months, weeks, she was at a critical stage where she had only days to live. So I shared it to the group and even told him about it. A few days later he sent me a sarcastic message saying “now your big group will feel so sorry for you, at least you have their sympathy” I said not to say this, that I shared it for prayer (many are Christian’s) and to give my family comfort and to let them know why I wouldn’t make an event that week. He said he had been told by one of them I was so cut up on the group sending voice messages and everything, I said no this isn’t true, my message was to the point, I’m not someone that shares my emotions much, I said the voice messages where about an event and the details for it. He said I’m a lying manipulative b* who always twists the truth. I don’t. The truth is really important to me. I discovered the person who he said told him this in fact hadn’t spoken to him for over two weeks, so him lying really triggered me, attacking me and lying, so This time I actually lost it with him, I said some really nasty things back, called him a piece of s** and accused him of probably wanting to be with some other woman and fight starting with me. I know what I said was actually unforgivable and took it to new levels. I am frustrated by how good it is and then he starts this thing where apparently I have a problem with the truth. Anyway he has resisted all attempts to heal it and my attempts to say what I just couldn’t tolerate. He has only apologised for being nasty when my nan was dying, not the content of what he said. A few days later with harassment from him my nan died and a few days have since passed. He said I’m not the kind of woman he wants to be with and has made me feel like I want to die, I am a loyal and faithful person, I don’t seek attention or lie and he’s made me feel lower than low. How can someone go from everything being wonderful to full on unexplainable assault like this? We chat every evening usually and now he’s ignoring me apart from a few nasty messages in the day, I feel shellshocked like I just came off some kind of battlefield. He won’t acknowledge any wrongdoing and says he doesn’t care if we never speak again. I have been emotional and sent lots of messages ranging from being confused, to defensive and like I don’t care, to trying to resolve it, I know that hasn’t helped the situation, but I am incredibly messed in the head over it. It took over my thoughts those last days of my nans life. Just wondering what others thoughts are on this kind of personality type and how I get past this. Im struggling.

OP posts:
Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 06/07/2022 21:56

He is training you to shut up and put up.. Are you happy to be that person op?
Surely not?

FOJN · 06/07/2022 22:08

I'm sorry for your loss.

I could write an essay on what's wrong with this man, it's a lot, red flags everywhere. If you want to feel even worse than you do now then stick with him, he will destroy your sense of self and any confidence or self respect you've ever had.

You hurt now but returning to the source of the pain in the hope that the person who caused it can make you feel better is a mistake.

He cannot bear you having support from others and not being the priority in your life at all times. The accusations about his friend are either paranoia or made up shit both are intended to control.

He's not a good man, walk away before he harms you even more because that's what he's training you for.?

JohannSebastianBach · 06/07/2022 22:13

I got as far as the bit about sharing to the group. Run for the hills, don't take him back. He's horrible and you deserve better.

Dery · 06/07/2022 22:14

Just withdraw, OP. Stop engaging. At the moment, you’re handing him all the power. It’s not really relevant why he behaves this way. He doesn’t think of you as his equal - he doesn’t think of you as a fully realised human being. It’s abusive behaviour and you don’t need it.

Fairislefandango · 06/07/2022 22:16

He's a nasty, manipulative man with a whole bunting-load of red flags. The question you should be asking is not 'Why does he behave like this?' but 'Why didn't I dump him as soon as he first started behaving like this?'.

Itwasntmeright · 06/07/2022 22:19

He’s an absolute twat. I only read half of your OP to be honest so I don’t actually know exactly what you’re asking, but he’s an absolute twat.

Happytap · 06/07/2022 22:24

Please leave this awful man. It will not get better, he will not change.

you deserve so much more than this. You sound like a caring, kind, loyal, supportive person and you can and will find someone who loves you and doesn’t treat you like shit.

Stop responding to his messages and ignore him when he comes crawling back.

im so sorry for the loss of your Nan

ifionlyhadacat · 06/07/2022 22:25

GET OUT!
Please!

Truthislife · 06/07/2022 22:26

Thanks for these responses as I feel like I’ve been going crazy with it, and haven’t discussed with anyone.

OP posts:
Hibiscusroses · 06/07/2022 22:27

Oh love. You deserve so much more than this manipulative piece of shit. Please walk away.

AllyCatTown · 06/07/2022 22:31

Aim higher. He’s awful.

You can do much better.

He sounds like he has no empathy, like a sociopath. Who speaks to people like that when a loved one is dying?

CousinKrispy · 06/07/2022 22:32

Oh dear OP. This relationship sounds terrible, because he sounds like a terrible, abusive man.

Please open up to others about it--call Women's Aid or talk to a therapist very honestly about how to break away from him and learn to be attracted to better partners.

You can do it!

Shouldishouldnti2 · 06/07/2022 22:39

I had 10 years of this, it’ll destroy you. I’ve had to do so much work and now I have boundaries guess what, he wants to come back again. Total stonewalling, coldness, control and emotional abuse. Don’t give this guy anymore time. Tell him you just wish for everyone to be happy, you understand that you will never make him happy, you would like to split as amicably as possible and wish him well. Kill him with kindness and then RUN. Do your healing, cry your tears, and move the hell on.

mine im pretty sure has a personality disorder, maybe read up about them and see if you recognise symptoms. But you’re not his therapist or his emotional punch bag. Get on your White horse, put on your big brave pants and ride into your future. If he changes he needs to do it for him, he’ll never do it for you.

good luck.

Truthislife · 06/07/2022 22:41

The thing I find so difficult is I knew him for years as a friend, found him to be so caring of others. I’m a very independent person and don’t rely on others for anything, I have no expectations of people. I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for most of my life from a young age and it took me being 7 years totally single to heal completely. I really fell for him and never thought I would ever fall for someone again. I’m just gutted. I clearly have no ability to see these things but seems they are so so very well hidden. He has many good qualities and is very loving and affectionate but has told me he is dominant, has moods, likes to be in control, and various other things. He is very angry I know that I spoke to him in a vile way, yet he speaks to me in a vile way now and then, sometimes all night going around the houses and I just don’t even mention it the next day. I’ve had plenty patience and tolerance with him. It’s a struggle feeling so devalued and hating myself for getting close to someone again

OP posts:
Shouldishouldnti2 · 06/07/2022 22:48

Don’t give up on love, and be proud you loved whole heartedly and healthily, it’s just a shame he didn’t do the same. Every abusive person has a lovely side, otherwise people wouldn’t stay. It’s so easy to give advice when you’re not emotionally involved, but you have to advise yourself as if you would advise your friend or daughter if she was in this situation. It’s so hard and I don’t envy you, but there is no happy ending to this until you prioritise yourself and your needs first.

Shouldishouldnti2 · 06/07/2022 22:50

I too would read up about sociopaths and personality disorders.

takeitandleaveit · 06/07/2022 22:56

Next time he walks away, shut the door behind him. Don't open it again.

Moretodo · 06/07/2022 22:56

He is gaslighting you among the scores of red flags here.
He is an abuser, like the others. He just has a different style.
Overt- obvious abuse
Covert- gaslighting/crazy making.

You need to get away from him ASAP.
Get in touch with women's services, your GP for counselling, start to understand what's going on here.

GarethKeenan · 06/07/2022 22:56

Is his house decorated in red flags or does he just wear a suit made of them?

Carrotmum · 06/07/2022 23:09

He doesn’t want to be with you? That’s good, saves you the bother of breaking up with him.
Would your lovely nan want you to be with someone who doesn’t value you and makes you doubt yourself so much? You deserve much better. You must know he’s accusing you of trying to get it on with someone else because that’s what he would do given the chance.

Mischiefofmice · 06/07/2022 23:09

Please, please read up on covert narcissism. This man sounds exactly like my ex. He cannot change and the abuse will escalate. I repeat... please read up on covert narcissism. Then no matter how much you love him...finish the relationship before he rips you apart.

Catlover1970 · 06/07/2022 23:30

Hibiscusroses · 06/07/2022 22:27

Oh love. You deserve so much more than this manipulative piece of shit. Please walk away.

Totally agree. He’s a manipulative, abusive, head wrecker. Block and move on

LoonyIdea · 06/07/2022 23:34

Toxic narcissist who is already messing with your head. This will not come good. Run.

NoNoNoooo · 06/07/2022 23:54

Just get rid of him. He’s a dud

Truthislife · 07/07/2022 11:12

I did send a message to say goodbye and good luck. He sad, sadly we have very deep love but the combination is toxic. I just said that it always will be with fight starting, no conflict resolution, or apologies, just ending things after one argument. That he will take with him the side of him that creates conflict out of nowhere, nothing to do with any combination. That I’m sorry for harsh words I spoke, And I forgave him for what he did and said.

OP posts: