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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why does he walk away like this, so suddenly

62 replies

Truthislife · 06/07/2022 21:55

I’ve been in a relationship for the last two years. According to him he feels the same as me, in that he’s never had something so amazing and feels so spiritual and special together. We never run out of things to talk about, we are alike in many ways. In some ways we are not. There is a huge double standard in the relationship in that he will never be questioned on anything and requires “blind trust”. I am pretty easygoing but I admit I do have some triggers with how open he is about his attraction to others and discussions about that. I’ve even indulged him with fantasy, but sometimes it feels a bit all consuming and invasive. It is not a problem until he seriously gives me reason to believe I am of little value to him, when he walks away. A few times over the last couple of years he has started a big fight with me and then ended it for a couple of months, resisting all attempts to heal it, and writing off all we share as “a toxic combination”. The first time it’s because he was convinced I fancy his friend who I met once in a zoom he invited me to. No matter how much I explained this was not the case, and I am intensely loyal and wrapped up in the person I love, he gave me hell about it and still brings it up. I didn’t even talk on the zoom. His reason was I was sitting too close to the camera. I haven’t spoken to this man, yet he insists I have his number and must have contacted him. He himself believes hiding stuff is not an issue in a relationship and he would tell other women he’s attracted to them but take it no further, and not tell me. This is an example of how he thinks. I am uncomfortable with any form of deceit or line crossing in a relationship. I’m sorry this is long. So he’s ended it with me again. For the last six months things have been amazing between us, we hardly ever argue. He attempts to sometimes with starting something and I back off from it. But this time my nan was dying in hospital. I’m part of a group that does charity work and having only shared my nans impending death with him for years, months, weeks, she was at a critical stage where she had only days to live. So I shared it to the group and even told him about it. A few days later he sent me a sarcastic message saying “now your big group will feel so sorry for you, at least you have their sympathy” I said not to say this, that I shared it for prayer (many are Christian’s) and to give my family comfort and to let them know why I wouldn’t make an event that week. He said he had been told by one of them I was so cut up on the group sending voice messages and everything, I said no this isn’t true, my message was to the point, I’m not someone that shares my emotions much, I said the voice messages where about an event and the details for it. He said I’m a lying manipulative b* who always twists the truth. I don’t. The truth is really important to me. I discovered the person who he said told him this in fact hadn’t spoken to him for over two weeks, so him lying really triggered me, attacking me and lying, so This time I actually lost it with him, I said some really nasty things back, called him a piece of s** and accused him of probably wanting to be with some other woman and fight starting with me. I know what I said was actually unforgivable and took it to new levels. I am frustrated by how good it is and then he starts this thing where apparently I have a problem with the truth. Anyway he has resisted all attempts to heal it and my attempts to say what I just couldn’t tolerate. He has only apologised for being nasty when my nan was dying, not the content of what he said. A few days later with harassment from him my nan died and a few days have since passed. He said I’m not the kind of woman he wants to be with and has made me feel like I want to die, I am a loyal and faithful person, I don’t seek attention or lie and he’s made me feel lower than low. How can someone go from everything being wonderful to full on unexplainable assault like this? We chat every evening usually and now he’s ignoring me apart from a few nasty messages in the day, I feel shellshocked like I just came off some kind of battlefield. He won’t acknowledge any wrongdoing and says he doesn’t care if we never speak again. I have been emotional and sent lots of messages ranging from being confused, to defensive and like I don’t care, to trying to resolve it, I know that hasn’t helped the situation, but I am incredibly messed in the head over it. It took over my thoughts those last days of my nans life. Just wondering what others thoughts are on this kind of personality type and how I get past this. Im struggling.

OP posts:
Truthislife · 07/07/2022 11:14

I said that that is not deep love, but that yes it sure felt very special, but that love is so much more than that.

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 07/07/2022 11:20

Just block him now. Honestly he's really not worth the headspace.

supermommie · 07/07/2022 11:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

HailAdrian · 07/07/2022 12:01

I think he's playing mind games with you and if he's ended it, you should just agree that it's for the best and don't contact the bastard again.

ShahRukhKhan · 07/07/2022 12:42

OP he is being horrible to you. Can't you see that? You sound guilty that you spoke back to him but there is a big difference between someone being abusive (him to you) and someone finally snapping after two years of being abused (you). Please stop allowing him to treat you this way, you are better than this and clearly too good for him.

Begrateful · 07/07/2022 13:01

What you've written describes a toxic relationship, not worth salvaging. Leave for your own sanity and self-esteem, otherwise it will get worst.

stayingpositiveifpossible · 07/07/2022 13:20

I can't read a huge post like this please put paragraph breaks in!

yellowsmileyface · 07/07/2022 13:21

I'm so sorry for you loss. You're understandably probably struggling with a lot of heavy emotions right now.

You deserve someone who will be your rock during times like these, not making things worse and causing you more stress.

I know it's difficult, but I really think you need to just block and delete him. You probably feel an urge to communicate with him to gain some closure, but you're wasting your time. You'll never get any closure from someone like that. You'll never reach a place of mutual understanding. Their minds are completely irrational.

You're likely still experiencing a trauma bond, which will make it difficult to cut him out of your life. Perhaps reading up on trauma bonds will give you some clarity? But this man really needs to be out of your life.

I'd also suggest doing the Freedom Programme. It'll give you a clearer understanding of things and equip you with the tools to avoid abusive people.

lonelydad2022 · 07/07/2022 13:44

Truthislife · 07/07/2022 11:14

I said that that is not deep love, but that yes it sure felt very special, but that love is so much more than that.

The fact that you feel the need to engage, reply and explain means you are not being honest with yourself. From your description it is so obvious what he is doing. Try to block him. No.more discussion of why, what, etc. Remove him from your life. Its hard at the beginning but gets easier.

Pinkbonbon · 07/07/2022 13:55

More red flags than a communist rally.
You do know he is a psychopath right? Surely that hasn't slipped past your judgement. The second someone gives it 'I won't be questioned and require blind trust' fuck me, ruuuuuuun.

As for the 'having so much in common'. Yeah...google narcissistic mirroring. And also, live bombing.

Seriously op, he is an abuser. His whole mo is manipulation, gaslighting and publishing you for non existent indiscretions to keep you in line.

BTW, he never believed you cheated. He just wants you to believe he believed that. So that you would get stuck on the merry go round of trying to prove your innocence/goodness/loyalty.

That's what they want, you too focused inwards to recognise they are actually abusing you.

Good in you for getting free. But certainly take some time single, reading up on how to spot abuse like this before dating again. Or you'll attract another.

Pinkbonbon · 07/07/2022 13:55

*love bombing

FreudayNight · 07/07/2022 14:01

He’s a nut job sand tbe sooner you never interact with him again the better.
Just block him on everything and pretend he’s dead.

Truthislife · 07/07/2022 14:03

I won’t be dating. I was single for 7 years before him, had zero involvement with any man in that time, total avoidance, an built an amazing life. I met him naturally, obviously was about as far from looking as possible, and felt such connection. Very sad. Love to me is rare and precious and all things tied into love for me. Couldn’t have sex with someone I don’t love etc, his words have crushed me with trusting someone again this way. Thought I had 100% figured stuff out by now, people can be complex for sure, but yeah he presented himself so differently to this and I felt I knew him very well. It’s like it all crept up slowly last two years of dating. None of us are perfect by any means but yeah fight starting over made up issues that attack character is so unbelievably damaging. Yes I’ve read about narcissism and experienced it before. I think it’s a scale, everyone can be selfish on some level, but these tactics used are utter cruelty and yes I have struggled with whether he’s simply deeply insecure or calculating. Thanks

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2022 14:03

FFS, block this psycho. There is something very, very wrong with this man. He's absolutely horrible, and he'll only get worse.

Truthislife · 07/07/2022 14:04

Sorry I was trying to reply to someone’s comment but I think it’s gone on the main thread

OP posts:
newbiename · 07/07/2022 14:08

Block him now OP

Truthislife · 07/07/2022 14:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 07/07/2022 14:23

He is amazing until his facade drops. He really isn't the man he has made you think he is.

You fell for who you thought he was, who you wanted him to be. Don't let his failings deny you happiness with the right man op.
Your bar is now raised and any man who you date will be a lucky man indeed.

I am onto dh number 4. He knows I take no nonsense these days!!

Moretodo · 08/07/2022 07:47

Block him.
He will be back. (hoover)
Missing you, sorry, give it another try, love you, got such a connection.
Etc etc
Or he may demand an apology from you.
Or make some other excuse to contact you.
It's all a game. He is insincere and incapable.

He has been gaslighting and manipulating you. Try and get yourself to therapy to understand what is happening with your boundaries.

Work on self care and self esteem.

cottagegardenflower · 08/07/2022 08:06

He is a gaslighting, manipulative bastard who is moulding you to his wishes. If a relationship isn't equal it isn't a relationship

layladomino · 08/07/2022 08:28

You are absolutely right. That isn't love. There is nothing amazing or special about this man. He is controlling, maniulative, selfish, only interested in his own feelings and wants.

He will mess with your head forever, steadily getting worse, until you don't know yourself anymore.

Stay free of him. He isn't capable of a proper grownup respectful relationship of equals. I beg you don't get drawn back in. Don't try to reason or discuss it with him. Move on and be free!

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 08/07/2022 08:49

LoonyIdea · 06/07/2022 23:34

Toxic narcissist who is already messing with your head. This will not come good. Run.

Exactly.
As pp said be proud you loved whole heartedly and healthily, it’s just a shame he didn’t do the same. Every abusive person has a lovely side, otherwise people wouldn’t stay.

Don’t let him keep picking you up, abusing you and then dropping you. Make a much happier life without him.
Good luck.

Truthislife · 08/07/2022 09:35

Well I said all kinds of nasty things to him last night and hate myself now. I’m blocking him now. This is incredibly painful

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 08/07/2022 09:51

Can't be helped, it's done now. Hopefully at least he now knows you are wise to his bs. Might end up being a good thing you let him have it.

Be kind to yourself today, do something you enjoy to take your mind of things. You did good blocking him. Just keep busy doing other things and itll get easier in time.

Truthislife · 09/07/2022 14:28

Thanks, I just feel totally sick. Wrote a list of the things that have happened over the last two years and just can’t get my head around it, but grieving in a real and painful way for the love I have in me for him. Struggling badly

OP posts: