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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why does he walk away like this, so suddenly

62 replies

Truthislife · 06/07/2022 21:55

I’ve been in a relationship for the last two years. According to him he feels the same as me, in that he’s never had something so amazing and feels so spiritual and special together. We never run out of things to talk about, we are alike in many ways. In some ways we are not. There is a huge double standard in the relationship in that he will never be questioned on anything and requires “blind trust”. I am pretty easygoing but I admit I do have some triggers with how open he is about his attraction to others and discussions about that. I’ve even indulged him with fantasy, but sometimes it feels a bit all consuming and invasive. It is not a problem until he seriously gives me reason to believe I am of little value to him, when he walks away. A few times over the last couple of years he has started a big fight with me and then ended it for a couple of months, resisting all attempts to heal it, and writing off all we share as “a toxic combination”. The first time it’s because he was convinced I fancy his friend who I met once in a zoom he invited me to. No matter how much I explained this was not the case, and I am intensely loyal and wrapped up in the person I love, he gave me hell about it and still brings it up. I didn’t even talk on the zoom. His reason was I was sitting too close to the camera. I haven’t spoken to this man, yet he insists I have his number and must have contacted him. He himself believes hiding stuff is not an issue in a relationship and he would tell other women he’s attracted to them but take it no further, and not tell me. This is an example of how he thinks. I am uncomfortable with any form of deceit or line crossing in a relationship. I’m sorry this is long. So he’s ended it with me again. For the last six months things have been amazing between us, we hardly ever argue. He attempts to sometimes with starting something and I back off from it. But this time my nan was dying in hospital. I’m part of a group that does charity work and having only shared my nans impending death with him for years, months, weeks, she was at a critical stage where she had only days to live. So I shared it to the group and even told him about it. A few days later he sent me a sarcastic message saying “now your big group will feel so sorry for you, at least you have their sympathy” I said not to say this, that I shared it for prayer (many are Christian’s) and to give my family comfort and to let them know why I wouldn’t make an event that week. He said he had been told by one of them I was so cut up on the group sending voice messages and everything, I said no this isn’t true, my message was to the point, I’m not someone that shares my emotions much, I said the voice messages where about an event and the details for it. He said I’m a lying manipulative b* who always twists the truth. I don’t. The truth is really important to me. I discovered the person who he said told him this in fact hadn’t spoken to him for over two weeks, so him lying really triggered me, attacking me and lying, so This time I actually lost it with him, I said some really nasty things back, called him a piece of s** and accused him of probably wanting to be with some other woman and fight starting with me. I know what I said was actually unforgivable and took it to new levels. I am frustrated by how good it is and then he starts this thing where apparently I have a problem with the truth. Anyway he has resisted all attempts to heal it and my attempts to say what I just couldn’t tolerate. He has only apologised for being nasty when my nan was dying, not the content of what he said. A few days later with harassment from him my nan died and a few days have since passed. He said I’m not the kind of woman he wants to be with and has made me feel like I want to die, I am a loyal and faithful person, I don’t seek attention or lie and he’s made me feel lower than low. How can someone go from everything being wonderful to full on unexplainable assault like this? We chat every evening usually and now he’s ignoring me apart from a few nasty messages in the day, I feel shellshocked like I just came off some kind of battlefield. He won’t acknowledge any wrongdoing and says he doesn’t care if we never speak again. I have been emotional and sent lots of messages ranging from being confused, to defensive and like I don’t care, to trying to resolve it, I know that hasn’t helped the situation, but I am incredibly messed in the head over it. It took over my thoughts those last days of my nans life. Just wondering what others thoughts are on this kind of personality type and how I get past this. Im struggling.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 09/07/2022 15:39

Think if it as loving a character in a show op. The real person doesn't exist. At least, not as the person you love.

Doesn't make it any less painful unfortunately. But hopefully helps keep you from trying to talk to him again.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 09/07/2022 16:01

Run as fast away from this gaslighting narcissist as fast as you can. He will have your head fecked up and you won't know whether you are coming or going. Silent treatment, picking fights, controlling behaviour are all red flags and not offering you emotional support. Read up on narcissist behavior and red flags in relationships and take a long time out to heal for yourself. Block him as he is not a friend as friends do not treat you like this at all. Be kind to yourself and reach out to genuine friends if he has not isolated you from them all. Talk to a counsellor if you can also and just move on from him as he is taking up all of your head space and not in a good way.

FlowerArranger · 09/07/2022 16:21

Truthislife · 09/07/2022 14:28

Thanks, I just feel totally sick. Wrote a list of the things that have happened over the last two years and just can’t get my head around it, but grieving in a real and painful way for the love I have in me for him. Struggling badly

Something constructive you can do: read Women Who Love Too Much.

Moretodo · 09/07/2022 16:53

You got to find that love for yourself.

What you have written about the relationship has nothing to do with love.
You are focused on him.
Keep bringing the focus on to you.
Every time.
What do you need?

Journalling is good, you are coming into reality.
Keep writing it all down.
In time the fog will lift.

Where can you get some support? Self refer to talking therapies? Can you afford counselling?

Bumpsadaisie · 09/07/2022 17:05

Truthislife · 07/07/2022 11:14

I said that that is not deep love, but that yes it sure felt very special, but that love is so much more than that.

Too right.

There isn't such a thing as deep love which is toxic.

Not that love is perfect, of course not. But it's not toxic.

I fall out with my DH. Things are difficult sometimes. But I don't think I'd ever say things have been toxic.

Truthislife · 10/07/2022 21:30

Yes, thanks for these comments, I keep reading them when I’m feeling weak with it

OP posts:
Sarabbb · 20/07/2022 15:14

He is a clear cut narcisissist. No doubt whatsoever. I had that experience and trauma bond that I could not leave. Please save yourself.

knackeredagain · 20/07/2022 15:21

He is incredibly cruel. You deserve better.

Sorry to hear about your Nan 🌺

Staynow · 20/07/2022 17:20

Ticking several narc boxes there I'd say. People are useful or not useful - and when they're not useful then they find it very easy to walk away. Nothing is ever their fault and they will lie and gas light till you till the end of your days.

Stop now. No more messaging, no more confusion. This is not your person, he has at times been excellent at pretending he is and that's what hurts. But it wasn't real, it wasn't what you hoped and dreamed it would be. You haven't done anything wrong and what you've accused him of is highly likely to be true. The bottom line is that he's broken and you can't fix him.

Supercalafragalisti · 21/07/2022 07:31

Yes he’s continued with cruel messages, no apologies or accountability, making out I’m so difficult to be with. Sent a message saying we could meet to discuss one day being friends, nothing more, but that I’ll probably lecture him and if I do he’s out of there. I was asleep so I got the usual “you’re probably busy” (meaning his usual accusation I’m probably talking to someone else) I’ve decided I will never reply again. I’m not a fool, I loved him with all my heart. But he doesn’t know me as well as he thinks. I give everything all my loyalty and openness and love until that’s it’s I’m done. He’s accused me of being a liar and various other things. I’ll never be known or heard or seen and have to tolerate his little private conversations with other women while he projects and gaslights and dumps me repeatedly. Ten years ago I left a relationship I was in for 12 years. My first everything. Physical and mental abuse until one day enough was enough. I walked away with very little, never looked back, and never responded to his pleas. I no longer trusted him to protect my heart, this is how I will have to now look at this situation.

Supercalafragalisti · 21/07/2022 07:35

Yes it felt he was my best friend and the bond we had was true and deep. I didn’t lightly dare him, I felt I knew him. This is how I see him now:

There is a beautiful house, the lights are on, there is a laughter and happiness. The gardens are nurtured and there is a peaceful glow. The narcissist pretends to be a part of that, but he is making a firebomb. Suddenly out of nowhere he throws the firebomb. He stays around to stoke the flames and add fuel, saying you are the one that made it burn. Then he runs away. I’m not staying in his burning house any longer

Supercalafragalisti · 21/07/2022 07:36

I didn’t lightly date him

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