Can anyone help me with this issue? I can't stop thinking about women

[mosesb]

Hello, name changed for this. I'm in a relationship, we've been together 22 years. He is a lovely man. We have regular sex, he wants it more than I do but I do have a healthy sex drive.

The problem is that when I have sex with him I'm thinking about someone I have a crush on, who is a woman. When I masturbate (most days!) I watch only lesbian porn, I can't watch straight porn because it doesn't turn me on. I only started watching porn a couple of years ago.

I had a crush on another woman last year and obsessively thought about her.

It's actually really annoying. I don't want to split with my lovely man. He is a good dad and I can see us together when we are old. But how can I stop all this fantasising about women?

Anyone?

I don't think it's that unusual to explore the wider sexual self a bit later in life. I might suggest, for women at least, that after the procreation bit is done some yearn for a different type of relationship - one that is more specific to their needs at the time.

Why do you need to change it? It's who you are.

Honey, I think you're gay :)

Nothing wrong with this and you don't need to change.

I once heard a sexual therapist say that the gender or genders you mainly fantasise about when masturbating normally align with your orientation.

Men and women? Bi.

Only women? .....

I hope you find the answers you are looking for. The fact that you enjoy sex with your partner could also point to you sharing your preference, even if in your head you are with a woman. x

Do you think you could confide in your dh about your lesbian fantasy? It could be something that you can talk about during sex, watch the porn together and it might be enough? Talking about it in real life with your partner while you are having sex could be a real turn on for you both.

It could also shock him into leaving you, keep your fantasies to yourself, having your wife confess she thinks of women during sex would be a problem for many men.

Because it feels like a big secret and I love my partner. I don't want to split up.

Thanks. I enjoy thinking about women but I need to stop for my relationship really

He has no interest in porn and is very vanilla. This wouldn't work I don't think.

Could it be that I'm just bored?

Tell him. Do you want him to love you for who you are, or for who you wish you were?

No. I think it’s because you’re bisexual or gay. But the label doesn’t matter right now.

It’s ok OP. Your sexuality is your business. And your thoughts, sexual or otherwise belong to you.

Take a breath and remind yourself that you have done nothing wrong and that you are entitled to keep this to yourself.

It’s a private matter rather than a big secret, which would imply that you have something to be ashamed of. You don’t and privacy is something you’re entitled to, even within your marriage.

Try to stop panicking and just sit with your feelings for a few days. Big conversations, decisions, changes can wait (forever if that’s what you choose) A confession of any sort is not necessary.

Keep posting here for support.

Tell your husband.
I did and it's enhanced our sex life no end

This is really good advice. Relax. Give yourself time. At one point, you'll know either way. Don't ruin your marriage without feeling at peace with your own thoughts.

I would recommend stop watching porn as it can be addictive and unrealistic. And reduce the masterbation for a while.

Lookingoutside thank you for your thoughts. I would like to feel easy about it and just accept it. The thing is that I wrote this post after sitting with this for two years.

I would recommend stop watching porn as it can be addictive and unrealistic. And reduce the masterbation for a while.

I really think you're right. Sometimes I think I've made it stronger by watching it. I can't cum anymore with him. I have to do it myself. I am going to try.

Another thumbs up for @Lookingoutside post. What a sensible way to put it!

I think he would be okay with me saying that I fancy women but where do I even go with that. It won't change anything. I'd never tell him I think of women when we are together or about the crushes

A lot of straight women can only ‘get off’ to lesbian porn. It’s totally normal, and doesn’t make you bi or lesbian.

Regarding your situation, do you feel like you could be in a relationship with this woman you have a crush on? Or do you feel like it’s just a pure fantasy?

If you’re confused or swaying more towards you can imagine yourself in a relationship with her or someone else then this is not fair on your partner. You need to discuss your thoughts and feelings with him if this is taking over your life right now.

I hadn't heard that about lesbian porn, so you really think it's normal?.

It's a fantasy I suppose. Both women I've had these massive feelings for have been straight.

I've no idea what would happen if I was actually with a woman, perhaps I wouldn't like the reality?

Yes. Of course it’s normal.

Just took the below from a couple of articles:

1 - Is it common for straight women to watch lesbian porn?

More than you know! Shanae Adams, a sex therapist and educator, shares that "female porn watchers are 186% more likely to check out lesbian porn in comparison to male users." A recent PornHub report also shows that "lesbian" is the most popular category for female viewers of this digital porn portal.

2 - Lesbian porn centers vaginal and clitoral pleasure.
"Simply put, lesbian porn—especially porn produced by women or femme-identifying people—centers female pleasure," says Jenkins Hall. Mainstream heterosexual porn, however, is more focused on portraying women’s pleasure from the male gaze (a.k.a. what men would like to watch or feel happen during sex rather than what pleases women).

"Women are often props for the male gaze and their sexual gratification in mainstream porn," Jenkins Hall notes. "It’s basically penis and ejaculation-centric. On the other hand, lesbian porn can be more sensual, softer, and more realistic in its portrayal of sex and orgasms." Lesbian porn is also more likely to feature foreplay, sex toys, and clitoral stimulation, all of which are more conducive to producing a female orgasm than penetration-focused videos.