Would most people find long term single status really fucking difficult?

[Dieselfungus]

ive Been long term single (late 20s now, not had a serious relationship) and all my friends and family are happily coupled up. When they were single they were a mess! I am a bit of a mess, feel all over the place yet feel judged for it by then. I kind of want to shake them and let them know how fucking hard it is day to day to juggle everything by myself with no potential help from anyone else. Some of my coupled up friends were awful when they were single, could be emotionally cruel and were tbh a bit incapable of looking after themselves. And yet I find them quite judgemental now of me

@Mariposista

Why can't you afford to go it alone as a solo parent?? Most people settle as they're scared of missing out on parenthood but would rarely admit it in real life.

Then why are they so celebrated?

Why so many ask are in a relationship/ why not/ well when are you going to be?

Why are there so many couples?

Why is entertaiment filled with relationships?

Why do most people want a relationship?

If they really are not that great or are just about pragmatics/economics why donmt friend’s just live together etc?

Because there are societal expectations and "scripts" and "narratives" everyone gets fed as children/young people. It can't be all great when divorce rates are persistently hovering around the 50% mark.

And most people want a relationship because there are no better realistic alternatives sadly like communes.

But must most people divorce and then re-couple (sorry been watching love island ) at some point.

I feel very unusual that I didn't go into another relationship (never been single as an adult before) - my friends and colleagues were constantly asking me the first couple of years about why I wasn't dating and getting out there.
I wasn't in a rush, and having tried dating I think it's so hard to build a connection over time, it's more like date/shag/move on (I'm OLD) which is fine, and has its place, but anything more than that with someone decent seems very unlikely for me. I'm not prepared to just go along with things anymore, I'm used to my space (and I like it) and captaining my own ship.

Yes- being 'the eternal single' was as bad as being single for me. Always turning up alone to parties/weddings etc, always being the third/fifth/seventh wheel, never having a positive answer to 'are you seeing anyone?'. It really affects you!

The realisation that it is sheer luck whether or not you meet anyone really helped me. I know it sounds simple, but it lifted part of the burden.

I can't understand why people are so rude about long term single people wanting a partner and why it's seen as such a flaw in your character.

When women are in menopause rarely are they interested in striking up and maintaining romantic relationships: the desire for a romantic relationship seems to be a hormonal urge during our fertile years?

I've had relationships for the last two decades but am currently single. I've thought about how absurd it was to be "led," by the idea that a man needs to understand me, that I need "my person" etc. Even though in reality, I've done better in life without the complications of a romantic relationship, and the people who have been most supportive and stood by my side were friends and family. My relationships weren't abusive just incompatible.

I'm at a stage where I don't need a man to "procreate with" as have a child already and don't want more, own a property in an area I like living,. generally feel good about my life and don't feel the need to be coupled up. I had one relationship where the physical intimacy was off the scale but I do believe that was rare (late 30s and probably was perimenopausal, hormone surge) and sacrificing my freedom now to potentially find that again simply isn't worth the possible compromise a relationship would bring to my calm and stable home. Maybe if I'd met someone very young, almost childhood sweetheart type-like scenario and we did "life together" and had that entanglement, would I like to have a partner.

I've been single for most of my 63 years, apart from 12 years married (and single prior to age 30). I don't find it difficult, and I enjoy being single.

I could do without the single judgements and expectations.

Something must be wrong with you, never married and never had kids. Yep could have done without being cheated on after 15 years together.

Other people -Are you gay .... just because there is no man around ,

Other women- you are single so you are gagging for it and are after my husband - me- you obviously love him but he does absolutely nothing for me.

Men - you're single so you must be gagging for it and even though I have no redeeming features whatsoever you must want me so bad !!! 🤮

Colleagues - You have no kids..what do you know, you cant be stressed.

Colleagues, You can work over Christmas, because everyone else has a life you obv dont

Boss- 'Why do you need to take some time out of work to get your boiler fixed cant someone else do it?'

Me ....'You decided to have children why do I have to do your work for you because you're now late into work, or need to go home early....all- the- time. '

Sibling family .......all make xmas arrangements want to just have a lovely family Christmas.... dont bother asking you what you want to do, assume you will look after elderly parent over xmas on your own.... then they whinge for weeks about their shitty xmas.

Family - You can do x y and z because you have nothing better to do

Recently Family- tell us when youre booking/going on holiday so we can arrange to step in to look after elderly parent to give you a rest. Why ....you never worry at any other time the only person you're helping is my brother . But you dont come when he is on holiday and I'm here on my own. I have a full time busy pressurized job and commute, he has the easiest job in the world and wfh.

My brother lives locally, he isnt asked to notify anyone when he is going on holiday with his family.

Work colleague..why are you tired, you dont have a family to look after.

Family- can you look after my children animals house.

The joy of singledom. It's not always a joy.

Being so gle by choice is easy, being single when you want to be in a relationship is hard. Being in an unhappy/broken relationship is also hard, but at least you have the choice to leave in that situation.

Being in a healthy relationship is about compromise - you get out what you put in. I think most people who are happier single are so because they're too selfish to compromise at all. Or perhaps because a previous relationship left a bad taste when it failed, and they can't get over it.

Being in a healthy relationship is about compromise - you get out what you put in. I think most people who are happier single are so because they're too selfish to compromise at all

Christ. Another one for the judgements about single people bingo card.

I could just as easily say that people who are happier in relationships are so because they’re needy, dependent, insecure, pathetic people who have no sense of self-worth and are incapable of standing on their own two feet. But I wouldn’t, because it’s offensive bollocks.

Can it not just be acknowledged that different people have different wants and desires, without casting slurs such as you have done?

Single life is really fucking hard.

I think some people just find life hard and some find life much easier

nothing to do with relationship status

Single life is definitely harder when things don't go right. Before I was married, I was single for 10 years and I remember how tough it was when I got full on flu and had nobody to help. Having said that, I'm now single again and am planning to stay that way because for me, the positives far outweigh the negatives.

pointythings

with delivery from supermarkets I’d order stuff online to be delivered - worth £5 delivery etc for a dozen items

@ivykaty44 that's absolutely what I would do now - but the flu incident happened in 1989 when the internet was not much of a thing and supermarket deliveries were a futuristic mirage. I'm old!

Hmm...tbh I think it depends on the individual and what stage of life they're at.

I've been single for coming up 6 years and it's never really bothered me, but I'm now mid 40s and live with my 17yo daughter who I have a great relationship with. I imagine I'd have felt different in my 20s with no kids.

The last couple of years have made me slightly more mellow to meeting someone...there's been the pandemic, and I lost my dad after caring for him for 18 months.

It's made me think it would be nice to have a relationship with someone who really has my back (and I miss sex tbh!), but on the day to day being single doesn't really impact my life.

I was single for 15 years and honestly, I loved it. I'm an only child and really love my own company.

It's quite an adjustment sharing a house with a man and being married is no picnic.

I honestly think more women need to realise being selfish is GOOD. Not to the point you’re actively or intentionally hurting others, but putting yourself and your needs first. I had some bad relationships because I didn’t know how to nurture my own emotional needs, and I let myself be treated badly.

During my single years I lived entirely on my terms and didn’t tolerate any bullshit when dating. Well, I actually still live totally on my terms even though I’m in a relationship now. I’m not really interested in making big compromises. Small ones that don’t feel like a hardship, sure, but I’ve met someone who slots nicely into my existing life and shares most of my views and ideologies, and is probably quite a bit kinder and more compromising than I am. Even little things - my dog sleeps on the bed, for example. I let my boyfriend know this before we got serious, and that I wouldn’t boot the dog off for any man. Anyone who didn’t like that was welcome to go and find someone else without a dog. Being selfish is great, my life honestly looks pretty much exactly how I want it to.

No... and yes. I liked being single and was for 12 years. I think it's a positive thing to be comfortable alone - it means you can more honestly evaluate potential relationships and many partnered people envy the freedoms of the single.

Having said that - there are obviously some situations where not being single is advantageous - wanting to be a parent / book a holiday without a single supplement / eat at a restaurant and not be given the table next to the toilets / just for once to come home and find someone else has cooked dinner/ etc.

And for the past year I have been undergoing cancer treatment. My friends have been amazing but it is my partner who is there when I wake terrified at 2am. It has made me really think about how hard it must be to go through this alone.

I’m a good 10 years older than you and have been single for most of my 30’s and am happy and thriving, had relationships in my teens/twenties but just have still never met my forever person. If there has to be a reason, health issues and anxiety got in my way. Personally I’m open to the right relationship but happy to just be me. The only thing I don’t like about being single is the occasional judgement from people or pressure/pity...however only one person in my life now seems to give me a hard time about it but she is a very black and white thinker, everyone else seems to accept it. I’m surrounded by friends and family and I have a very fulfilling life, I’m not unhappy but it never fails to amaze me how people are willing to settle for unhealthy relationships to conform to societal norms!!! I’m so glad I’m not like that! I’m open to genuine love and even a family if it came my way, until then happy to live my life. The only thing I worry about is people being judgmental etc and sorry to offend but@altmember please do f the F off your comments are so nasty and judgemental! The rest of us should not have to make ourselves miserable to conform to people who think like you!!! May have offended, sorry not sorry but people with your attitude really rub me up the wrong way and are part of the reason for women forcing themselves into bad relationships and being exploited!!!!

I'm one of about 5 women I know who are single in the same group. Barring myself.... not false modesty, theyre slim, attractive, funny, and in one case in particular, a high achiever , the rest aren't low achievers at all but had good professions, now some of us are retired or semi or retiring. Really decent people too. Cant understand why they haven't been snapped up. They're not selfish at all and while most of us have had relationships I'm the only one who had a very long relationship that had a bad ending as such.

Wasnt like they didnt try to find their mate either, sociable people, I'm the hermit. I'm not fussed but the high achiever I think feels she has missed out the most. Before anyone says it, she didnt sacrifice her life for her career either. Luck has alot to do with it, but ive also seen 'loves young dream' turn into an utter nightmare and long term partners ending up loathing each other but cant separate due to finances or houses. I'm too old and set in my ways now, trust is an issue for me, but it isnt the only reason I choose not to find a man, it's not the be all and end all.

I was widowed 3 years ago and until then had lived with a man for all my adult life apart from 6 weeks after my first boyfriend left and when I moved in with my next boyfriend who later became my DH. I have been so unhappy and lonely. Initially I thought it was just grief, but as the grief eased a little the loneliness was exposed. I met a lovely man 5 months ago and we have been in a long distance relationship ever since, meeting at least once a week but talking every day, and video calling most days. Even though we live apart, my loneliness is much less of a problem now. I know I have someone I can talk to, and have a bit more confidence in going out and trying to make new friends.

I don't think I want to live with anyone again, and will never remarry, but having a boyfriend makes me happy and less anxious. I never thought I would meet anyone else after my DH died and the thought of the next 40 years on my own seemed unbearable. So I will remain single but with a committed boyfriend living apart from me. I couldn't be totally alone and remain mentally healthy.

Cant understand why they haven't been snapped up.

Because good, single, straight men are rarer than hens teeth and the rest know that an attractive, accomplished woman won't put up with their BS.

Have never had a long term relationship, although I tried (nearly 50 now). Looking back, I would have been devastated not to have children, I felt pressure to find someone 'in time' to have children.

I have 2 amazing children through adoption. They have tested me to my limits at times.

Yes, it could have been easier with an on board partner.

But I know lots of couples whose different approaches to parenting split them apart.

So, overall, I am happy to have been, and continue to be, single.

A wise mumsnetter once said it's just luck in the end, and I think that's right. You happen to meet someone and it clicks, or you don't.

I've been single a couple of years. I don't mind it. When I'm in a restaurant and see yet another married couple pretending to like each other I can't help wondering why the hell they don't try the single life! it's not so bad, even lots of fun sometimes too.